Financial Issues Advice

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:d100ff03-16d5-4ed1-a006-804205851d14">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : This is probably the worst advice I've ever heard.  Enable him to not have any motivation and not do anything for himself?  YES PLEASE! 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Exactly what I thought. Applying for jobs for him is not a solution.

ErinG93

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:fa26fe70-aeb7-4207-b0c3-3ba42da28a3e">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I am sort of in a similar place. My fiancee works about 35 hours a week, he is a full time employee but they are always trying to cut back on hours at his job. He's been there for 5 years. He has paid his half of all our household bills and stays on top of his credit card bills, of course not paying them off every month but keeping them in good standing. My problem is, hes been at this job for 5 years with no raise and is treated like complete dirt. A couple months back his boss called him on a Monday morning and told him he was being suspended from work for 3 days (which was actually 5 due to his days off) and didnt really even tell him why. Then when he went back to work he was basically told "you need to comunicate more" which i think is a bs excuse because they needed a reason to suspend him. He works the evening shift and is the only one there in his department, who would he communicate better with! ANYWAY, i've tried and tried and tried to get him to apply for other jobs and see what else is out there. I found a similar posiiton to his with a different company that paid almost $5 more an hour!! Are you kidding me, $5 more an hour plus 40 hours plus realllly good health insurance and your not jumping up and down with excitement? I've talked with a close friend about this and we have decided that we just think his crappy employer has spent 5 years de-grading him, knocking him down, etc so he has no confidence in applying for something else and he would be mortified of having to go on a job interview, because lets face it a job interview you are there to sell yourself and when you have no confidence thats pretty rough!<strong> I started applying for jobs for him and making him go on the interviews, so jobs we knew he wouldnt get, or didnt want but the interview process was good practice!! I know this is a a horrible no no to do for him, but honestly its easy to do, and if it helps him and helps boost his confidence then ill do it!! Maybe you could try this? and maybe if it doesnt help or he doesnt go for the interviews that will help you make your decision.</strong> best of luck and pm me if you need anything!!
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I would advise against doing this. This is probably the worst thing you could do for someone who lacks motivation.

</div>

angelstar975

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:67ed043f-4774-44b7-bf2f-c96b19dc913c">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : Oh, Aryn.  I'm sorry dear, because I'm really quite fond of you and I know that this is probably tearing you apart as it is, <strong>but if he can't get his act together for the military, I'm seriously concerned about his motivation to do it for himself or anyone.</strong>
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

I have to agree with this. It's a pretty huge deal to be kicked out of the military. Was he kicked out of boot camp or had he already graduated? My FI got discharged from the Navy at the end of boot camp because they found out he had ADD and hadn't told them about it. This was when he was 18 though... did it happen when your FI was younger or more recently?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:d100ff03-16d5-4ed1-a006-804205851d14">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : This is probably the worst advice I've ever heard.  Enable him to not have any motivation and not do anything for himself?  YES PLEASE! 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
...Yeah.  I was thinking the same thing.

The only person you can control is yourself.  If you keep enabling him to rely on you, applying for jobs for him, pushing him to go to interviews, that's only going to decrease his motivation, not increase it.

As my therapist said, "You don't want to become a mother figure to your spouse.  Nobody normally wants to have a sexual relationship with a mother figure."  It's 100% true.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:fa26fe70-aeb7-4207-b0c3-3ba42da28a3e">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I am sort of in a similar place. My fiancee works about 35 hours a week, he is a full time employee but they are always trying to cut back on hours at his job. He's been there for 5 years. He has paid his half of all our household bills and stays on top of his credit card bills, of course not paying them off every month but keeping them in good standing. My problem is, hes been at this job for 5 years with no raise and is treated like complete dirt. A couple months back his boss called him on a Monday morning and told him he was being suspended from work for 3 days (which was actually 5 due to his days off) and didnt really even tell him why. Then when he went back to work he was basically told "you need to comunicate more" which i think is a bs excuse because they needed a reason to suspend him. He works the evening shift and is the only one there in his department, who would he communicate better with! ANYWAY, i've tried and tried and tried to get him to apply for other jobs and see what else is out there. I found a similar posiiton to his with a different company that paid almost $5 more an hour!! Are you kidding me, $5 more an hour plus 40 hours plus realllly good health insurance and your not jumping up and down with excitement? I've talked with a close friend about this and we have decided that we just think his crappy employer has spent 5 years de-grading him, knocking him down, etc so he has no confidence in applying for something else and he would be mortified of having to go on a job interview, because lets face it a job interview you are there to sell yourself and when you have no confidence thats pretty rough! <strong>I started applying for jobs for him and making him go on the interviews</strong>, so jobs we knew he wouldnt get, or didnt want but the interview process was good practice!! I know this is a a horrible no no to do for him, but honestly its easy to do, and if it helps him and helps boost his confidence then ill do it!! Maybe you could try this? and maybe if it doesnt help or he doesnt go for the interviews that will help you make your decision. best of luck and pm me if you need anything!!
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh wow. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry, but that's not a good thing. Do you really want to be his mom for the rest of your life?

</div>

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:3eb18dab-47ad-4717-b1e6-0dcd80dce842">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : He's never really said why. He agreed to it once when I was having an "OMG get your shiz together now, I'm so stressed!" moment <strong>but when I brought it up again later he denied agreeing to it. </strong> And thanks guys, I feel like deep down I know it'd be better for me if I did leave. I guess I've been hoping he will get things together. 
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

This raises a huge red flag for me.  Communication is the most important thing in a marriage, IMO, and if he is unwilling to communicate/only agrees to it when yor'e upset, that's not good.  It's worrysome when he doesn't even seem to want to make the effort to see what is going on or fix it.
At least go to counseling on your own at first, and hopefully he will agree to go with you. If he doesn't, it could be very foretelling to hw he will handle conflict in the future as well.

ArynBaker

Bay, YGPM

Thanks ladies for all of your advice, I really appreciate it! 

I think if I were honest with myself (which I'm being tonight) I would realize that the main reason I've stayed is because my dog Sasha has such bad anxiety that moving out means paying for all the damages she's put on the place and finding a doggie day care that I can afford. Since FI is always home I haven't had to worry about it. My parents love her though so maybe I can ask them to watch her for a few weeks while I find somewhere else to stay. 

ski2play

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:f8e06b83-b285-4b90-b67f-3a3ac4fa706b">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Financial Issues Advice : I would advise against doing this. This is probably the worst thing you could do for someone who lacks motivation.
Posted by ErinG93[/QUOTE]

This x1000, please do not enable him any farther.  Aryn, big hugs, I like you.  I am glad you are thinking about this and your future.  Only you can decide what you need, good luck.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:9069b800-4272-409d-8516-9d9955d597ad">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Bay, YGPM Thanks ladies for all of your advice, I really appreciate it!  I think if I were honest with myself (which I'm being tonight) I would realize that the main reason I've stayed is because my dog Sasha has such bad anxiety that moving out means paying for all the damages she's put on the place and finding a doggie day care that I can afford. Since FI is always home I haven't had to worry about it. My parents love her though so maybe I can ask them to watch her for a few weeks while I find somewhere else to stay. 
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm really, really sorry that you are going through this Aryn. I know it's hard on you. But it sounds like you know what you need to do :(</div>

chelseamb11

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  *hugs*

ski2play

Take care of yourself first Aryn, lean on your parents.  damages done by the dog can be paid for and repaired. 

ArynBaker

Oh my goodness! I didn't even read shanlian's post because the writing was so bad but seriously? No thank you. I don't want to be that controlling. 

J&K10910

I think asking your parents to watch her for a few weeks is a good plan.  I just think you  need some time to figure out what you want, and for him to figure out what he's going to do with his life.  He won't bother if you're there, keeping his head above the water.  I know you're not paying his rent (at least it doesn't sound like it), but you paying yours is keeping him out of trouble for now, which is good for you too, of course....but why does he need to change anything? 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. We postponed our wedding once and while it was absolutely awful at the time, and I had so many petty concerns about it, it was the best decision we could have made, and I'm so glad we did.  Sometimes just taking some extra time can make a big difference, if that's what you decide to do.

angelstar975

I'm so sorry Aryn... I wish you didn't have to go through this

pokepoke27

I'm so so sorry Aryn, this is so hard. You can always PM me if you ever need to talk about anything. You're such a sweet person, and you need to do what is best for YOU.  *hugs*

angelstar975

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:6659e7f5-1a07-4d01-8b8f-b74f00a359d1">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I think asking your parents to watch her for a few weeks is a good plan.  I just think you  need some time to figure out what you want, and for him to figure out what he's going to do with his life.  <strong>He won't bother if you're there, keeping his head above the water.</strong>  I know you're not paying his rent (at least it doesn't sound like it), but you paying yours is keeping him out of trouble for now, which is good for you too, of course....but why does he need to change anything?  I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. We postponed our wedding once and while it was absolutely awful at the time, and I had so many petty concerns about it, it was the best decision we could have made, and I'm so glad we did.  Sometimes just taking some extra time can make a big difference, if that's what you decide to do.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Another excellent point. Aryn, so much of your post and the responses remind me of what I'm dealing with, and it really sucks. I wish I could make this go away for you. Nobody should have to be so close to their wedding and dealing with these things. No matter what you end up doing, we'll all be here to support you. *Hugs*

baystateapple

Aryn, YGPM back.

ArynBaker

J&K, FI actually asked me to start controlling his finances a few weeks ago since he's so bad with them. 

I think I'm starting to get extra stressed about it because my dad said from the beginning that the day I get married he stops paying my rent (which was obvious to me). So I work 2 jobs so I can start saving but even though I keep reminding FI that w/o my dad's help we can't live here he seems unconcerned about it. 

Today I suggested we move to a cheaper apartment and his response was "why?". Um, because we can't afford this place now, we def won't be able to come October. 

LetsHikeToday

Does your rental company ever bring up the 1/2 unpaid rent?

baystateapple

I don't think that one person being primarily responsible for the finances is a bad thing -- if both parties are contributing.  A lot of people in our parents' generation and before had one person who primarily dealt with the bills.  That being said, it is an awful lot of pressure to put on you, especially if he's not contributing and you're not okay with the role of primary bill payer.

And the fact that he is unconcerned about being financially unable to pay the rent on your apartment is really unbelievable.

ArynBaker

Thanks yall, if I do leave FI don't be surprised if I join Chrissy and Stlrz in the single but still love this place club. 

angelstar975

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:f983a33f-983f-439f-a191-7f93ee379ada">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks yall, if I do leave FI don't be surprised if I join Chrissy and Stlrz in the single but still love this place club. 
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

Haha I had to laugh because that's my intention as well.

ArynBaker

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:829d0d06-5513-4442-bde2-c74e1ef18dd3">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Does your rental company ever bring up the 1/2 unpaid rent?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

<div>Yea, they send letters each month. They called today which is what sparked this argument again. </div>

[Deleted User]

Aryn, are you a student? I'm wondering why you're also unable to cover your half of the rent (your dad does it). If you're a student that makes perfect sense, but otherwise I'm not sure how you'd have the moral high ground? I do agree with the majority that there are red flags here regarding your fi, but I'm a little confused as to your role in the situation.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:c7133e19-8249-4f9f-aecf-709208a93438">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Aryn, are you a student? I'm wondering why you're also unable to cover your half of the rent (your dad does it). If you're a student that makes perfect sense, but otherwise I'm not sure how you'd have the moral high ground? I do agree with the majority that there are red flags here regarding your fi, but I'm a little confused as to your role in the situation.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]
I THINK (?) she's graduating this semester.  I could be wrong, but I think that's the case.

angelstar975

She's definitely a student. I believe she plans to nanny full time after graduation, but I could be wrong about that.

[Deleted User]

Cool, her being a student is perfectly reasonable in this situation.

ArynBaker

Yup, I'm a student, which is why my dad pays my rent. I cover all my other living expenses. I'm done in August and one of the lady's I babysit for has already told me starting in the middle of June she wants me to work full time. 

baystateapple

Okay, I'm shot from being gone all weekend and sleeping an average of maybe 4 hours a night Friday - Sunday, so I'm off to bed so I can maybe put in a halfway decent showing tomorrow at work.

Night all.  And good luck, Aryn.  Please do stick around.

ArynBaker

Night Bay, thanks again! I'll talk to my parents in the morning to figure out details and will update yall tomorrow night.