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How far is too far?
Etiquette
How far is too far?
No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.
I was discussing my wedding with my parents (yes, I know it's a long way off, but I have my reasons) and my father had an issue with how far away my intended location is. My dream would be to get marr
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Etiquette
How far is too far?
No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.
I was discussing my wedding with my parents (yes, I know it's a long way off, but I have my reasons) and my father had an issue with how far away my intended location is. My dream would be to get marr
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Forums  >  Wedding Boards  >  Etiquette  >  How far is too far?
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How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:33 PM EST on theknot.com
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I was discussing my wedding with my parents (yes, I know it's a long way off, but I have my reasons) and my father had an issue with how far away my intended location is.

My dream would be to get married at BIltmore Estate in Asheville, NC. If I can't get married there, I would still like it to be in western NC/upstate SC. I'm a mountain girl, I just like the mountains. 

For my family this is a 3 to 4 hour drive, for my FI's family it's 9 to 10. His family is six different kinds of gung ho about having it in Asheville. As is my mom (my dad proposed in the Biltmore gardens). But my dad doesn't like how far away it is, and is worried about the cost to family memebers because neither I nor my FI come from money.

My parents have offered to pay for the wedding, so I know they have a say about it. 

But who is "right" in this? Am I aiming too far away for a wedding?

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:39 PM EST on theknot.com
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I think you should have your wedding where you and your FI want.  If you parent's money comes with strings, I would pay for it yourselves.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:39 PM EST on theknot.com
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You are right, since they are paying, they get a say.  This is far enough a way that it's really almost a destination wedding.  Definitely for your FI's family and it's doubtful that your family will drive back 3-4 hours the same night.  There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with a DW.  You just have to be prepared that some people, even ones you might really really want to be there, will not be able to attend due to the time/expense involved.  

Since, as you sa, neither family is made of money, you need to decide if it's more important ot have it convenient to one family or the other vs. far away from everyone with the possiblity that some people you really want to be there won't be able to attend.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:47 PM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: How far is too far?:
You are right, since they are paying, they get a say.  This is far enough a way that it's really almost a destination wedding.  Definitely for your FI's family and it's doubtful that your family will drive back 3-4 hours the same night.  There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with a DW.  You just have to be prepared that some people, even ones you might really really want to be there, will not be able to attend due to the time/expense involved.   Since, as you sa, neither family is made of money, you need to decide if it's more important ot have it convenient to one family or the other vs. far away from everyone with the possiblity that some people you really want to be there won't be able to attend.
Posted by Loopyseven


Yeah...about that. 

If I'm being completely honest, and I know I'm gonna sound like a horrible person, I'm kinda hoping the distance keeps some people away. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But I'm not really close to them, never have been. 

So to be honest, I don't have a problem with the distance keeping people away. 

I know, I'm horrible. I'll go die in a hole now. 

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:50 PM EST on theknot.com
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Not horrible.  It's good that you realize that.  The worst thing would be if you expected everyone to make the trip and then be totally hurt and disappointed when they don't.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:52 PM EST on theknot.com
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Have it where you want.  The people that can and want to be there, will be there.  Those that can't, can't.  Oh well.  You can't please everybody.

However, since your parents have offered to pay and if they are demanding to have it where they want it, I would decline their offer.  If you pay for it yourself, they really have no say.  
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Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:53 PM EST on theknot.com
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I agree...if you want a DW and can swing the funding yourself, then do it.  Biltmore is amazing (I lived by there for a while and I loved going there!)  Anywho...you're correct in saying your parents $$ comes with strings.  They have a say, it sucks, but the do.  So, if you REALLY want this DW and your parents say no, then you will need to pay for it yourself.  It sucks, but it's true...

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:54 PM EST on theknot.com
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I think you're fine to have it that far away so long as you realize that not everyone will be able to make the trip. If you and your FI pay for the wedding, I don't think anyone else can really say too much about it.
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Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 10:57 PM EST on theknot.com
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They're not really demanding that I have it in a particular place of their choosing, my dad and I are just butting heads over how far away it is. I've already told him it's going to be in the mountains come hell or high water, so the distance is kinda a moot point.

But, bless his heart, he's a stubborn man. As he says, he has to "wade in to an idea, not just jump in". So hopefully my mother can bring him around to the idea, thus why we're discussing it so far in advance.

Gotta love Southern daddies.

Oh, and without their funding, Biltmore is out. Cry

But I think my FI and I can swing something else less...grand. 

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 11:51 PM EST on theknot.com
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I remember this place being mentioned a few days ago by some spoiled brat that took the money and didn't invite anyone including her own parents. Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k? 

Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party.

I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/10/2012 11:57 PM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: How far is too far?:
Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k?  Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party. I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.
Posted by mollyehren


You have absolutely no idea what her parents' financial situation is. That could be a drop in the bucket for them. It's not up to you (or anyone but them) to say what is or isn't a reasonable price for a wedding.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/11/2012 12:01 AM EST on theknot.com
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I remember this place being mentioned a few days ago by some spoiled brat that took the money and didn't invite anyone including her own parents. Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k?  Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party. I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.
Posted by mollyehren

Are you referring to Biltmore? 

If so, I agree with you $50,000 is way to much to spend on a reception site.

That said, I've already contacted their wedding people and have gotten some basic quotes (wanted to have all my ducks in a row before talking to my father). The estate has many different ceremony/reception sites, and the one I've chosen was one of the cheaper ones.

After figuring everything up (and this includes just about everything but the bridal party attire) it came to about $10,000. Yes this is a large number, but I don't see it as being outrageous for such a memorable location.

Now, with all that said...my issue isn't about price, it's about distance from family. Even if the wedding is not at Biltmore, it will still be in the same general area and the same distance from family members.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/11/2012 12:11 AM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: How far is too far?:
I remember this place being mentioned a few days ago by some spoiled brat that took the money and didn't invite anyone including her own parents. Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k?  Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party. I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.
Posted by mollyehren

Um, what? It depends on the room and package you choose. My friend had her wedding there last fall, and it was around $15,000, all-inclusive.

Barring your complete lack of knowledge about Biltmore, that was horribly judgmental of you. If someone wants to pay $50,000 for their wedding (which the OP is not), it's not like they're taking the money out of your personal bank account. Calm down.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/11/2012 12:13 AM EST on theknot.com
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Shadowkat, it's good that you're discussing things now so your father has time to adjust. I'd say keep Biltmore in mind, but maybe consider some areas that are closer to family too. Would that still keep you in the mountain area, if you were closer to the guests? I'm not sure where everyone is driving from, so I'm just curious.

Biltmore is lovely, so I do hope he comes around. :)

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/11/2012 12:15 AM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: How far is too far?:
I remember this place being mentioned a few days ago by some spoiled brat that took the money and didn't invite anyone including her own parents. Are you aware that weddings at this location run about $50k?  Forget the distance aspect, $50k for a reception site is freaking ridiculous for a one day party. I could never do that to my parents even if they where willing to pay unless I would pay for it in the event that they didn't and I'm way to practical for that.
Posted by mollyehren


Just because your parents say that they will pay for your wedding does not mean that they are from then on held at gunpoint to pay for whatever the bride and groom want. For a lot of people, their parents will offer to help pay up to X amount. What if her parents had given her a budget above $50k to work with? You don't know anybody else's financial situation, and it is incredibly presumptious to act as if you do.
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Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/11/2012 12:24 AM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: How far is too far?:
Shadowkat, it's good that you're discussing things now so your father has time to adjust. I'd say keep Biltmore in mind, but maybe consider some areas that are closer to family too. Would that still keep you in the mountain area, if you were closer to the guests? I'm not sure where everyone is driving from, so I'm just curious. Biltmore is lovely, so I do hope he comes around. :)
Posted by burntofferings


Unfortunately getting married closer to family would take me out of the mountains. My family lives in eastern SC, while FI's family is in eastern VA. 

To even split the difference would be a 3 to 4 hour drive for both parties. So I'm kinda confused about the distance thing. Undecided

Maybe the price *is* the issue, and he just doesn't want to admit it.

I'm open to having it somewhere else. ButI haven't looked at other places in the mountains yet because I wanted to go in asking for the Ferrari, figuring he'd say no, then come back later and say well how about this ford? Laughing  

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/11/2012 12:29 AM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: How far is too far?:
I haven't looked at other places in the mountains because I wanted to go in asking for the Ferrari, figuring he'd say no, then come back later and say well how about this ford?    
Posted by shadowkat08

Ha! I used to do that with my dad when I wanted to do stuff as a teenager. ;)

3-4 hours isn't so bad. True, people can't turn around and go home after the wedding, but at least it splits the difference, and that isn't as tedious a drive as 9-10 hours.

To be honest, though, I imagine having the wedding at Biltmore would be worth the longer drive for some people. When my friend got married there, we drove all the way from Michigan simply because it looked so gorgeous and we were dying to see it. It took us around 12 hours and was worth every minute.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/11/2012 12:35 AM EST on theknot.com
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Fi's family (who have to drive *farther*) are loving going to Biltmore. Probably has something to do with Asheville being the Wicca capital of the east coat, but I'll just pretend it's all about me XD

We've only talked about the wedding location once, before Christmas. I haven't been home since (I'm in college), and it's really a conversation I feel needs to happen face to face.

I'll be going home in a couple of weeks, so hopefully by then he's had enough time to ruminate on the idea. 

And plus the wedding is a good year or two off, so I've still got time.

Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/11/2012 1:13 PM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: How far is too far?:
They're not really demanding that I have it in a particular place of their choosing, my dad and I are just butting heads over how far away it is. I've already told him it's going to be in the mountains come hell or high water, so the distance is kinda a moot point. But, bless his heart, he's a stubborn man. As he says, he has to "wade in to an idea, not just jump in". So hopefully my mother can bring him around to the idea, thus why we're discussing it so far in advance. Gotta love Southern daddies. Oh, and without their funding, Biltmore is out.  But I think my FI and I can swing something else less...grand. 
Posted by shadowkat08


I LOVE the Biltmore.  I can see the draw.  If you end up having to go elsewhere, try Lake Lure.  It's breathtakingly beautiful.    My friend got married there at sunset on the lake.  The mountains were behind there and the sky was purple.   It was the most amazing scene ever.

They chose that place because it was close to the Biltmore.  They too were engaged there.

Plus, your older friend my love the fact "dirty dancing" was filmed there.  :)
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Re: How far is too far?

posted at 2/12/2012 8:59 AM EST on theknot.com
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This happened to me.  I wanted to get married in North GA.  My mom kept carrying on about how no one would show up since it was too far out of the way.  I caved and had it in Fort Lauderdale (my hometown).  I love my venue and it's going to be a gorgeous wedding but a tiny piece of me wishes I had done it up there in the mountains.


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