Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse

nkoesterphoto · May 2012

Hello Lovelies -

I'm having the hardest time with this topic. My fiance + I have decided to keep the ceremony intimate -- with just our parents, siblings, grandparents + our bridal party {which consists of 3 on each side... half of that party being sibilings, the other half - our closest childhood friends}. A formal sit-down dinner will follow the ceremony for these guests... The reception will begin later that evening with just drinks, deserts + dancing {no sit-down dinner + pizza being served later on} and our guest lists is about 200 people.

Now....... I want my OTHER girlfriends to all be involved more than just coming to the reception as guests -- so I came up with the concept of having a Posse in addition to the Bridal Party. {My fiance is still on the fence if he wants to put together one since he claims that "he doesn't have that many close guy friends"}.

My "Posse" will consist of 8 girls. They will get ready with me at the hotel {Hair, Makeup, etc.} and are all asked to choose a grey above the knee dress to wear {my actual bridesmaids are wearing mint green alfred sung dresses chosen for them} so that they stand out from other guests at the Reception. They will also ride the party bus following the sit-down dinner after the ceremony, but will not be at the actual ceremony or sit-down dinner {they will have reservations to eat at the resturant in the ceremony/reception venue} since we will JUST be sharing that moment with immedate family.

Does this seem totally hodge-podge?

Has another else done anything similar to this?

Thoughts? Comments? Tips?

Thanks in advance - xox

monkeysip · May 2012

Not trying to be harsh, but this is all wrong.

First, you are doing a tiered reception, which is just plain rude. Anyone invited to the reception should be invited to the ceremony, and vice versa. The only exception is if you are having a TRULY intimate ceremony, with JUST immediate family.

But even then, the reception is ONE event... not split into different events for which some are invited and others aren't.

It's so rude to do this. It tells people that they are not important enough to come to the ceremony or even the dinner.

Now, as for the "bridal party" and "bridal posse," I'm sorry, but this too just sounds kind of insulting to the girls who are in the posse who aren't even invited to the ceremony or dinner. You are requiring that they give up time to come watch you get ready, that they wear (and buy?) a special matching dress, and they're not even bridesmaids?

Just wrong, sorry.

Either let them come as just guests (to the ENTIRE reception) or make them all bridesmaids.

SKPM · May 2012

In Response to Re:Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse:[QUOTE]Hello Lovelies nbsp;I'm having the hardest time with this topic. My fiance I have decided to keep the ceremony intimate with just our parents, siblings, grandparents our bridal party which consists of 3 on each side... half of that party being sibilings, the other half our closest childhood friends. A formal sitdown dinner will follow the ceremony for these guests... The reception will begin later that evening with just drinks, deserts dancing no sitdown dinner pizza being served later on and our guest lists is about 200 people.Now....... I want my OTHER girlfriends to all be involved more than just coming to the reception as guests so I came up with the concept of having a Posse in addition to the Bridal Party. My fiance is still on the fence if he wants to put together one since he claims that "he doesn't have that many close guy friends".My "Posse" will consist of 8 girls. They will get ready with me at the hotel Hair, Makeup, etc. and are all asked to choose a grey above the knee dress to wear my actual bridesmaids are wearing mint green alfred sung dresses chosen for them so that they stand out from other guests at the Reception. nbsp;They will also ride the party bus following the sitdown dinner after the ceremony, but will not be at the actual ceremony or sitdown dinner they will have reservations to eat at the resturant in the ceremony/reception venue since we will JUST be sharing that moment with immedate family.Does this seem totally hodgepodge?Has another else done anything similar to this?Thoughts? Comments? Tips?nbsp;Thanks in advance xox Posted by nkoesterphoto[/QUOTE]
This should be good...

RebeccaB88 · May 2012

No, you aren't going to get crucified for this or anything. Not at all...

Look, either you want a small, intimate wedding, or you don't. You can't have both at once. It's fine to want just family at your ceremony, but if that's the case then you need to keep the whole thing just to that small guest list. If you want to see the whole 200 person guest list on your wedding day, then the polite thing is to include them in the entire celebration. If they aren't important enough to include in your ceremony, then it's just better to keep the whole thing small. Tiered weddings (which is what you're doing) aren't polite and are guaranteed to lose you some friendships. Many people also see them as greedy gift-grabs. Plus, the reception is the thank-you for your guests who attended your ceremony. Why say thank you to someone when you didn't allow them to attend the main event? IMHO, if you don't want me to be there for the important part, then I don't need to be there at all.

monkeysip · May 2012

So, this isn't even a wedding? This is a vow renewal ceremony?

You don't think weddings should look like a "show," yet, you are having a faux wedding ceremony (you're already married), you're having a tiered reception, and you're having a "posse" in addition to your bridal party. That sounds like a big fat show to me.

If you really want a vow renewal ceremony, it should be a little lower key. I'm not saying you can't have a big fun party celebration, but the posse on top of the bridal party is a little much.

Also, people may not tell you that your ideas are rude to your face, but that's why we're here. We'll be honest with you when your friends and family might just bite their tongues and not tell you how rude your plans are.

If you're willing to do all of this for your "posse", why not just make them bridesmaids? And why can't you invite all of your guests to the dinner part? Why separate them out and make some feel less important?

Etiquette is not about a bunch of made up rules. It's about treating your guests with kindness. I don't know why you don't see how it's not very nice to separate guests out into the ones that can come to dinner and those that can't.

misssunshine17 · May 2012

OP, please take a step back and realize that these ladies are trying to help you create an event that doesn't offend... everybody. I am sorry that you were unwell, but you are married. Your wedding was at the courthouse and you shouldn't discredit that. You were a real bride the day you got married.

Your bridal posse is ridiculous. It's slapping your 'friends' in the face by saying you're not special enough to be in your bridal party.

bonge · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:419d61af-2505-44de-9b24-61bce33b9360">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, please take a step back and realize that these ladies are trying to help you create an event that doesn't offend... everybody. I am sorry that you were unwell, but you are married. Your wedding was at the courthouse and you shouldn't discredit that. You were a real bride the day you got married. Your bridal posse is ridiculous. It's slapping your 'friends' in the face by saying you're not special enough to be in your bridal party.
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this. </div><div>
</div><div>Cancer sucks, most of us have been there with a loved one, but you could have had the wedding of your dreams then. </div><div>
</div><div>You could have had the ceremony & dinner with your immediate family & had this "tiered" reception now. 5 months is not a long time so if you can afford the dress now you could have then. </div><div>
</div><div>I see you are defensive & not wanting in any way to understand what anyone is saying because you don't agree with it but if 10 ppl think one thing & 1 person thinks another don't you think there is a reason for it? It certainly is not mob mentality, it is because some of these people actually care if strangers are offensive. </div><div>
</div><div>IDC if you want to be rude & have a tiered vow renewal reception but DON'T have the "posse" that gets to be "included" in the getting ready but then has to say bye to you as you walk out the door with your "real" friends & family. If you thought of them as close to you as your siblings then you would want them there as well, they can just be guests you know?</div>

bonge · May 2012

btw you set yourself up on this one when you lied & said FIANCE, fyi when you had your courthouse wedding he became your husband. If you lurked at all you would see calling down a courthouse wedding can be really offensive to those that chose to have one (just as you did) but did it the way they wanted to the first time. They had a "real" wedding & you demeaning it is pretty offensive to some.

Viczaesar · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:64be2b55-82b4-4192-812b-6b354d9b8a1a">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]Not a wedding? Exuse me but that's just down right rude. Now I am offended. I'll make it simple so you can understand. I was diagnosed with cancer. So my loving man of 2 years popped the question + we went to the courthouse the next day. Reason behind this - well, honestly, it's personal and I don't find any reason to explain our actions. We didn't HAVE a weddnig. No dress, no suit, no flowers, no exchange of the rings, no family, no friends, no celebrating --- just paperwork and a 5 minute ordeal - THE END. The cirumstances sucked + EXUSE ME for wanting to have all of the above. EXUSE me for wanting to walk down an aisle and seeing my man in a suit at the end of it. EXUSE me for wanting to celebrate the day with friends and family. EXUSE ME for not being able to afford a "typical wedding". EXUSE ME for wanting to do things differently. EXUSE me for wanting to feel like a real Bride.
Posted by nkoesterphoto[/QUOTE]
A wedding is where you get married. It's not defined by what you wear or how many people are there or how long it takes or how much money you spend.

You got married 5 months ago. This is a vow renewal. You cannot get married twice to the same person, unless you get divorced in between.

And what you're planning for your vow renewal is rude and inappropriate.

Sephiroth · May 2012

Wow. What a trainwreck.

I'm not going to touch the 'we're having a BWW even though we're already married', or even the tiered wedding issue. It's just too much.

But the bridal posse idea is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. It sounds like you're asking these girls to get ready with you before your 'ceremony' and private dinner....and then, what, go sit with their thumbs up their noses while you say your vows and eat dinner with the truly important people? But they better not stray too far, because they'll be required to be on the bus on the way to the second reception. At which they have to wear a dress they had to shell out new money for in a color and style they may not like. For what? So that people can point them out as being special?

Special enough to have to buy a special color dress, and give up their time before the party, but not nearly special enough to actually witness the vows or have dinner with you...

Why would you ask them to do this? It's like all the bad parts of being a bridesmaid without any of the benefits.

elldee333 · May 2012

I agree with Sephiroth (and all the PPs, but like Sep I'm not even going to touch that). To be honest, I consider myself extremely laid back, and have been to my share of etiquette-breaching ceremonies/receptions. For the most part, did it bother me? Eh, not really. (is it something I'd do myself? no WAY).

Anyway, that being said, I still think what you're doing with the "posse" is really rude, and even being really laid back and geniunely happy for my friends, I'd be offended if a friend didn't want me there to witness her Vow Renewal (ceremony, whatever), and I wasn't good enough for dinner, but she still wanted me to feel special while I snacked on pizza. I"m a grown up. I don't need to play dress up and stick out from the crowd. Who cares.

Also, the rudest part is that you apparently already asked your friends to do all of this and they're allegedly excited, but you just now decided you should get some other opinions on it. No matter what you do, you're going to be really rude.

Like a PP said...make them ALL bridesmaids or scratch the posse thing altogether.

Congratulations on your marriage!

msuprincess04 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:e7034ef2-cea2-4160-8a81-86e878a0b307">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]Now I am really angry!!! I am a cancer survivor. Three years. Never, ever would I use cancer as an excuse for bad manners and terrible etiquette. You have had your wedding. Lucky you! You are alive! Lucky you! A fancy party with a big white wedding dress, and not ONE bridal party, but TWO?? Lady, get over yourself. Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Me too. Except not stage 3 and I'm 10 years out. Either way, no excuse. You are married. You just want a PPD.

Asking a "posse" to be with you, get up early, watch you get ready, spend money and time on hair, makeup, and a dress just to then sit around while you have a ceremony and dinner that they aren't special enough to be invited to is not the way to treat a friend. Just sayin.

Meghannsix · May 2012

Ugh, this is a really bad idea, and I'm with CMGr, using cancer as an excuse for bad etiquette is appalling. And btw, you'll probably blame it on angry ranting, but it's "excuse" not "exuse".
Congratulations on your recent marriage, I wish you good luck and good health in the future

frantastic12 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:d5cec827-bc23-4488-9e6c-0965287974a6">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as my orginal question on the Posse goes --- I'm just not sure what do about this. Which is the exact reason why I decided to reach out on this board. The girls in the potential posse are all super laid back + when I mentioned this idea to them, they were estatic that I wanted them to be a part of the big day and understood the concept of the whole situation {being that we want just immediate family}. <strong>Well of course they would--do you think that if they found it to be rude, they'd say it to your face? Probably not. </strong> - Asking them to buy a dress? They have to wear something to the event anyways -- posse member or not. <strong>And they probably already have something suitable to wear to a wedding--do you actually think they'd all be going out and buying new dresses for your wedding if there wasn't a "posse"? </strong> I don't find this rude, nor do they... they are actually looking forward to doing a big shopping day to find something. <strong> Again, do you really think they'd call you rude to your face? </strong>Maybe I could just skip this "grey dress" thing to avoid hurt feelings of the other guests... not that I foresee anyone getting upset over it. - Asking them to set time aside? All of them would get their hair + makeup done anyways... this way they are getting it done free of charge as I would be paying for it. <strong>Do you really actually think they'd all be getting their hair and makeup done anyways, as wedding guests? How often do you get your hair/makeup professionally done for a wedding that you're not in? </strong> - The dinner? I highly doubt they could care less. They know that I'm not a tradition bride + they also know the circumstances behind how/why we are doing things the way that we are. But this is something I could talk with them about. In my personal opinon, the world of Weddings is becoming too much of a show. I'm IN this industry as a photographer, so I know first hand. Sometimes I feel that people forget what the true meaning of it is, and sometimes I feel that the day is more for everyone else than the Bride and Groom. You cannot please everyone, nor do I intend to put MORE stress in my life by trying to do so. *Just a sidenote, but no worries mokeysip, no offence was taken to your reply - we are obviously two totally different people with different views and I appreciate that.
Posted by nkoesterphoto[/QUOTE]

In addition to the above, tiered receptions are rude, plain and simple. And you have a husband, not a fiance. Courthouse marriages are marriages. My parents' courthouse wedding is just as valid as a 300 person church wedding, thanks.

elldee333 · May 2012

I just realized in my comment above I said make them all BMs or scratch the idea altogether...yea I'm an idiot and was forgetting that since it's a vow renewal, you shouldn't have a WP anyway. So go with the latter! (not that I think you'll listen to what me or anyone else thinks anyway)

OBX2011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:d71f8c21-5788-4c5b-aaa2-6837fd82b0c1">Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello Lovelies - I'm having the hardest time with this topic. My fiance + I have decided to keep the ceremony intimate -- with just our parents, siblings, grandparents + our bridal party {which consists of 3 on each side... half of that party being sibilings, the other half - our closest childhood friends}. A<strong> formal sit-down dinner will follow the ceremony for these guests... The reception will begin later that evening with just drinks, deserts + dancing {no sit-down dinner + pizza being served later on} and our guest lists is about 200 people. Now</strong>....... I want my OTHER girlfriends to all be involved more than just coming to the reception as guests -- so I came up with the concept of having a Posse in addition to the Bridal Party. {My fiance is still on the fence if he wants to put together one since he claims that "he doesn't have that many close guy friends"}. My "Posse" will consist of 8 girls. They will get ready with me at the hotel {Hair, Makeup, etc.} and are all asked to choose a grey above the knee dress to wear {my actual bridesmaids are wearing mint green alfred sung dresses chosen for them} so that they stand out from other guests at the Reception. They will also ride the party bus following the sit-down dinner after the ceremony, but will not be at the actual ceremony or sit-down dinner {they will have reservations to eat at the resturant in the ceremony/reception venue} since we will JUST be sharing that moment with immedate family. Does this seem totally hodge-podge? Has another else done anything similar to this? Thoughts? Comments? Tips? Thanks in advance - xox
Posted by nkoesterphoto[/QUOTE]

This is wrong in so many ways. It is very rude to do this to your guests. You need to find a way to be able to serve dinner to every single one of your guests. This seems very rude, selfish and most of all, gift grabby that you are willing to have a "pizza reception" for the 200 but not include them at you formal dinner. If I were a guest, I would not be coming to your wedding for the simple fact that I am only good enough to come to a pizza reception and bring you a gift but not able to witness your vows and be served a proper dinner.

The bridal posse could be one of the craziest things I have yet to see on TK. Seriously?? So, you want 8 girls to buy a dress of your choosing, but not be invited to your ceremony OR your sit-down dinner? These 8 girls are not puppets or Barbie Dolls that you dress up and take wherever you want them to go.....they are supposedly your friends. Please don't do this to them.

I am really left just shaking my head at how idiotic all of this sounds.

<strong>ETA: and again, this is MY advice. Don't want anyone to think I don't "own" what I have to say ;)</strong> <strong>Eye-roll worthy enough for ya? Yea....thought so ;)</strong>

LesPaul · May 2012

The majority of your guests know you're already married? So you're only deceiving the minority. Good to know. How are you going to handle it when the rest of your family and friends find out you lied to them?

Your wedding was the ceremony at which you became married. Five months ago. You don't get two weddings (unless you get divorced inbetween). Be honest with people if you're going to have a vow renewal (although it is way too soon to be having a vow renewal anyway).

Everything you're describing about your 'posse' is absolutely ridiculous. Please reconsider all of what you're doing.

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

It's like you tried to put every possible bad or rude idea into one post.

I call MUD.

kaos16 · May 2012

you can't have a bridal anything if you aren't a bride. Maybe if you have a wife-al party and a wife-al posse it would be less offensive. . . . . . . . . . . . nope, still no good. If you want an exCuse to have a party that's fine. If you want an exCuse to celebrate with friends and loved ones, terrific. Have an appropriatly titled vow renewal ceremony, an open house, a summer party, a whatever you want to call it. . . . but you can't have another wedding, and you shouldn't have a tiered reception. Best of luck to you and your HUSBAND. I wish you nothing but good health and happiness.

pkontk · May 2012

Everything about your event is terribly rude, OP. You said you weren't looking for pity, but you keep bringing up your cancer. I'm sorry you went through a rough time, but that doesn't excuse your poor etiquette.

FWIW, my FI went through some major health issues a few months ago (he's fine now) and I went through my brain thinking about how we could still politely host a wedding if we needed to rush it.

rlavach · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:35947853-2a57-4689-9316-4d6c68a0cfa7">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]It's like you tried to put every possible bad or rude idea into one post. I call MUD.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
I wonder if this is an extension of the WW 'experiment'?

Fluffernut · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:35947853-2a57-4689-9316-4d6c68a0cfa7">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]It's like you tried to put every possible bad or rude idea into one post. I call MUD.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

That's what I was thinking.

graysquirrel · May 2012

I'm not going to touch on the posse thing, but I will explain to you why the idea of a tiered reception is rude. The purpose of a wedding reception is to thank your guests for coming to witness your marriage. People took time out of their days and drove to come see you, so you thank them by offering food and drink. If they did not come to the ceremony then there is no reason for a reception of any kind. The main is the ceremony, not the reception. Do you want a wedding or a party?

If I were you I would do a vow renewal or just have a big old party to celebrate your lives together and your recovery. By having the fake wedding and the posse and everything it looks a little AWish. You can still have a great time with family and friends without pretending to get married again.

SSaltzman87 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:b7195da9-62b7-4062-a2e5-f8fc505f96eb">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't think you're putting on a show now, OP? Really? You're having a tiered reception, with only the most important people first, then the less important. You're having a bridal party and a bridal posse afterward, as kind of a consolation prize?
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
Couldnt've said it better myself.

mcskatcat · May 2012

Okay, I'm sorry but I don't think the cancer was a good reason to go out and get married THE NEXT DAY. Anyone who has dealt with cancer can tell you that often there is quite a period before you have a good solid diagnosis and treatment plan, but you heard cancer and ran. That's on you. Unless he told you that day "you have cancer..... and one week to live," then you should own up to the fact that it was a bad plan and now you're trying to make up for it. And if seeing your man in a tux was so important, then you should have waited.

What you're doing is rude and will certainly make some people in your life feel like crap. Good luck with that.

mbcdefg · May 2012

All other ridiculousness aside ... it's pointless and rude to ask your friends to spend their time getting ready with you and spending their money on specific outfits, only to tell them they're not welcome to your do-over ceremony. I would be pissed as hell if a "friend" asked me to do this. It's such a waste of time and a huge slap in the face.

If they're THAT special, then invite them to your fake ceremony. If not, then don't. Don't halfass it or try to offer them a consolation prize.

I'll also be sure to tell my widowed FIL that his courthouse ceremony to my late MIL wasn't a real wedding. So, thanks for the giant insult.

sarahmack36 · May 2012

In my opinion, without being overly critical and crappy, I think this is a bad idea over all. If anything, you would be better off inviting EVERYONE to a low key bbq or small get together and forgo the whole wedding and wedding party idea. This way, everyone is together, they all get to celebrate with you and its not singling everyone out.

jemmini6 · May 2012

I really hope this is MUD, because this is just all kinds of wrong....

Just in case it's not - OP, an unexpected/tragic life event is still no reason to be rude (and please seriously consider the reasons PPs have given you, what you are planning to do is in fact, extremely rude, no matter how you try to justify it in your head).

I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your cancer treatements and hope that you can plan an appropriate celebration for your marriage.

spartybride3 · May 2012

Your bridal posse is your wedding party. Having an additional one is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If you want them involved, add them to your wedding party.

Pipesqueak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:2f316262-1699-4bd4-abc3-b301299d601a">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]Your bridal posse is your wedding party. Having an additional one is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If you want them involved, add them to your wedding party.
Posted by spartybride3[/QUOTE]

I second this. I do not and refuse to try to understand what a bridal posse is. I have never heard of this.

blahblah85 · May 2012

OP, it sounds like you already made up your mind before you posted. So, why would you even ask?

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