Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:2aaaf7e3-7a1b-4003-bcd9-6651c5d2f4f7">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse : I'm sure you can figure out WHY she did it the next day. She is a free lance photographer. She needed her FI's medical insurance to cover her. My insurance was billed for about $500,000.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

This was my thought.

I can't imagine going to a hotel room, getting dressed, getting my hair done, watching the bride get dressed and done up only to be told "Okay, thanks so much for coming, guys. Now, you do off and do your own thing for five hours and we'll see you at the reception after the ceremony and private dinner." I don't care how "excited" your friends seemed to be - they were tiiiiiicked.

EDIT: Also? You said you were a wedding photographer. I believe this means that you can't post here anyway since you are a vendor.

Legu · May 2012

My FI and I plan to get married in Sept. 2014. He had a cold last week... I'm now thinking we should run down the nearest registry office and sign a bit of paper like, today 'cause, y'know... Everyone needs to sign a bit of paper, right? Then if I go buy my dress and rings and flowers and all, then, I can still have my wedding, right? I mean, I wouldn't actually be married... By law I'd be Mrs FInowH, but, I won't have had a party so it's not like I'll actually be married or anything... OP... Can you honestly not see how crazy this is? If you were to come back in a bit and say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment and then felt attacked so I went on the offensive. I've calmed down again now, and realised I was wrong, and that you ladies were just trying to help. I still would like a celebration party, how would I correctly go about this?" the ladies here would more than understand. Don't go asking for help then immediately shout down anyone that tries to explain what what you're planning is so far past wrong there's not even a word for it. Please just... Think about it, okay? And good luck.

katehar01 · May 2012

"My FI and I plan to get married in Sept. 2014.

He had a cold last week... I'm now thinking we should run down the nearest registry office and sign a bit of paper like, today 'cause, y'know... Everyone needs to sign a bit of paper, right?"

I get the point you're trying to make, Legu, but this is a little bit offensive. All OP is going to see in that you you comparing a cold to a cancer diagnosis, and ignore everything else. Which is a shame, because I (and everyone sane) would agree with what you're saying.

OP, it's obvious you didn't really want advice, just validation, and you threw a fit when you didn't get it. I hope you'll calm down and really think about what was said here. To add my 2 cents:
1) The Bridal Posse is just a truly awful idea. Your friends are good friends and they were just being nice when they said they liked it. It's rude and insulting. Althought I'd encourage you NOT to do the tiered reception, these "Bridal Posse" girls would at the very least need to be invited to the ceremony and dinner. You want to make them feel special, but not special enough to make the ceremony cut. It just doesn't make sense.
2) I might be alone on this, but I understand your desire to have a "redo" wedding. If you got married because of insurance issues (which makes sense, so I'm assuming you did), I don't think you're having your vow renewal too early. I was almost in this situation with some of my fiance's health issues (I'm a teacher, so I have great insurance), and I probably would have done by vow renewal at the planned wedding time, which would have been about 5 months later. Some will say it's a "choice" you make to do the JOP wedding, but if the alternate choice is going thousands or tens of thousands of dollars in debt, it's not much of a choice. So I get it, OP. I really do. I wouldn't even begrudge you the white dress, or the bridal party, since they've already been asked. I think it's fine to have the ceremony is it's important to you to have your marriage blessed in your faith. But PLEASE, tell all your guests you're already married. Don't lie to them.
3) Please reconsider the tiered reception. I would suggest that if the larger group aren't people you want at your wedding, maybe you don't need them at the party. Just have a kickass reception for your close family and friends. Or, do a more low-key reception for everyone. I think you could keep your ceremony private, even with the friends-siblings in there, since it's still very small. Just be prepared that may offend a few people. But right now you're having 2 receptions, and that will offend everyone. Stop ranking your guests into important and less important. Figure out who you really want there, and host them appropriately.

RamonaFlowers · May 2012

Let's recap:

-WP-that already has even sides.
-Planning for a ridiculously large second-string WP with a ridiculous name... that apparently also must have even sides (Nobody else noticed that the FI is "having trouble coming up with 8 people"?)
-JOP wedding 5 months ago, that "wasn't a real wedding"
-Cancer diagnosis as justification for all rudeness
-PPD is going to be a tiered reception

... I think the only thing this is missing is the cash bar and goldfish center pieces to have a post that literally contains every single cliche volatile post on TK. Congrats, OP, I await you announcing how sorry you feel for our husbands followed by a DD of all of your posts any moment now.

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

Ramona, You forgot the dollar dance and registry in the invitation. But I'm sure OP can come up with a way to incorporate those things.

RamonaFlowers · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:330897eb-daa4-40fe-b045-1d9011f87e46">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]Ramona, You forgot the dollar dance and registry in the invitation. But I'm sure OP can come up with a way to incorporate those things.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

And that it's a HM registry. Because they "deserve" a vacation. D'oh! I'm slipping in my "old [TK] age"

blgrout · May 2012

Joy--Happy Anniversary!

OP, if you are for real, you are ridiculous. Having cancer isn't a free pass to do whatever the eff you want, including having a second wedding.

I've had cancer like some of the other women who have posted here. H and I didn't run down to the courthouse to get married, we fought the battle and we won because I'm healthy, and we had the wedding we wanted ONE TIME.

Quit pulling the cancer card to do things that are in poor taste.

Legu · May 2012

I in absolutely no way would EVER genuinely compare anything as horrific as cancer with a common cold. I'd also never use any of my personal "issues" as an excuse to shout people down when I don't get my own way. I've had an event in my life that was extremely difficult to get through, and I'm sure a great many others have too. My point is that you don't see the rest of us running around offending hundreds of people. You added some good points... I only hope she listens.

katehar01 · May 2012

Legu - I totally agree, and for what's it worth, I knew you were just using hyperbole and not making a genuine comparison. I don't think OP will get it though, haha. I don't think she's coming back anyway...she'll have her tacky, offensive event and convince herself it's ok because she has cancer. Oh well. We tried.

Kimmyznc · May 2012

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? This is weird.

banana468 · May 2012

I can't imagine that this is real.

If a friend of mine beat cancer, I'd happily attend her vow renewal.

But I would not take kindly to being told, "You're almost as good as a BM so buy a dress in this color and help me get ready. Then go off and do.......something. I'll get back to you later."

spiment · May 2012

Bet you're regretting calling everyone Lovelies now, aren't you?

I personally wouldn't ask them to come the morning of because it'd be a pain for them to come in the morning and then have to hang out all day and wait for the reception, but at the end of the day it's your wedding day. Everyone else's opinion on whether it's actually your wedding be damned. I also hate the phrase Posse but that's my own problem. At the end of the day these are YOUR friends and YOU are the only one who actually knows them. If they understand your reasons and HONESTLY are excited, honor them the way you'd like to.

I'd also consider a "no gifts" thing for people only invited to the reception because it COULD look like a gift grab and no one wants to deal with crabby guests.

banana468 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:69082601-92e5-4d32-bc17-f4419012b549">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]Bet you're regretting calling everyone Lovelies now, aren't you? I personally wouldn't ask them to come the morning of because it'd be a pain for them to come in the morning and then have to hang out all day and wait for the reception, but at the end of the day it's your wedding day. Everyone else's opinion on whether it's actually your wedding be damned. I also hate the phrase Posse but that's my own problem. At the end of the day these are YOUR friends and YOU are the only one who actually knows them. If they understand your reasons and HONESTLY are excited, honor them the way you'd like to. I'd also consider a "no gifts" thing for people only invited to the reception because it COULD look like a gift grab and no one wants to deal with crabby guests.
Posted by spiment[/QUOTE]

Well no. At the end of the day it's not her wedding day. It can't be unless she gets divorced and then gets married on that day. She's already married. The day can be her vow renewal day, Saturday or even 'the day her friends and family are irritated that they were treated poorly and lied to' but it can't be her wedding day.

Also, it's never appropriate to mention gifts at all. The point is that the tiered event isn't appropriate at all and it gives a very poor impression to those invited to the 'after event'. Gifts are only on the icing on the fake-wedding cake.

ootmother2 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:86f7a6ae-3e4e-4bf8-bcc1-1894d98f149a">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]Vow renewals do not usually involve gifts at all. They are not second weddings. They are an opportunity to pledge your love and renew marriage vows. Sometimes there is even a religious blessing. They are very special and meaningful celebrations, but they are not second weddings.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

VRs can be great fun parties as well!

(<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" /> I couldn't figure out why she wanted p*ssies)

mbrischoux · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:e7034ef2-cea2-4160-8a81-86e878a0b307">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]Now I am really angry!!! I am a stage 3+ cancer survivor. Three years. Never, ever would I use cancer as an excuse for bad manners and terrible etiquette. You have had your wedding. Lucky you! You are alive! Lucky you! A fancy party with a big white wedding dress, and not ONE bridal party, but TWO?? Lady, get over yourself. I have seen ladies who had to go through chemo and radiation completely alone, with nobody to help them through it. You had a fiance/husband who stuck by you. I am sorry that your real wedding wasn't enough for you. You can have a perfectly proper vow renewal or celebration of your marriage if you want, but it is not possible for you to have a wedding. That ship has sailed. Vow renewals, especially after a long illness, are appropriate. That means no bridesmaids - NONE!!! No big white wedding dress. No wedding related traditions like a bouquet toss, cake cutting ceremony, "first dance". No bachelorette parties, no showers, either, because you are already a married woman. You can have a beautiful formal party with you and your husband renewing your vows for your friends and family. You can have dancing, open bar, catered food, formal dress. There is nothing wrong with this. Go for it. If you try to have a re-do wedding, you will look ridiculous, ignorant, tacky and greedy. Thousands of ladies have had courthouse weddings just like you had. They consider that their wedding day, and cherish it. You are insulting them by saying it wasn't really a wedding. Then you pull up the cancer excuse to try and say it is OK to completely go against etiquette. It makes me furious! You should get down on your knees and thank God that you are one of the survivors. I know I did. I still do. I will until the day I finally die, whether from cancer or something else. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm going to stop before I say something that I want to say, but isn't lady like.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

This.

Your friends/supposed "bridal posse" would be honored to come to your wedding (sorry, vow renewal) as a guest, because seeing someone have their "big day" after surviving cancer is an honor in and of itself. To give them such a role would actually make them appear less special to you than inviting them to share the day with you and your husband.

You should definitely take the advise given my many of these ladies here.

However, wishing you a safe and healty marriage.

paluczak83 · May 2012

I just want to say I had a friend from college get married and she had separate invitations to the ceremony, dinner and then dance/cocktails. some of us were invited to all 3, some not and to be honest when another friend found out she wasn't invited to all she didn't go at all, she thought why should I go to a dance/cocktails and get them a gift when I'm not good enough to be at the ceremony or served a meal? I agree it is rude and not right to have some invited to some parts of the wedding and some not. It will cause issues in the end.

riva_cherese · May 2012

I have a feeling that ppl aren't really grasping what the concept for this wedding is:

A) She's not "using" her cancer as an excuse. She's saying the reason she got married without a ceremony is because she was diagnosed with cancer and in the moment of emotions and uncertianty her and her husband decided to get married in a courthouse. How many of you would want to get married in a courthouse? Im pretty sure not many because otherwise you would not be on this forum.

After being married for 5 months and becoming settled with her life situtaion she and her husband has decided to have a "real" wedding where her family (and friends who they consider family) will be there. They want an intimate cermony and dinner with family.

C) After the dinner they have an official reception with all of their friends. This wouldnt be any different than having a small ceremony and dinner one night and then having a reception another night for everyone else. Or a destination wedding and then a party when you get home. Why get married away from home when you know everyone can't be there?

There is nothing wrong with having an "After Party"

I think where the explanation of plans went wrong is the idea that the girl will get ready with the bride then sit around for 2-3 hours until the party bus comes to pick them up laterto go to the reception. It was also unclear as to whether the posse had reservations at the venue that the intimate dinner would be (would they be sitting to the side paying for their own food while your family and friends were to eat and drink on you?).

I think a better idea (if possible) would to have the intimate ceremony / dinner one day and then the recepton another to avoid confussion/ hurt feelings. Even if they say theyre cool about it one day, wiat until you have them get all dreesed up with you and then say "okay bye Im going to get married see you guys later!" It will be a case of 'All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go' x8 bitter women. Or arrange to have them get ready at a hotel while you're getting married/ eating so they can have fun together (having them wear the same color is a great idea because asking them to do that tells them that they are spececial to you...and I'm sure they know your situation better than we do) and then have the party bus pick them up on the ay to the all inclusive reception.

See, simple advice. No need to jump down anyones throat. If she doesn't feel her guests will be offended then why should anyone on here be? Anyone who says "Its all for show" "Its a fake wedding" "just do a vow renewal and then a reception" blah blah blah

A) All weddings are for show unless you get married in a courthouse or your wedding is completely no frills (no decoration, no special attire, no rings, etc.)
B)Calling it a fake wedding is offencive to even me and I don't even know this woman. How do you know that she's not religious and wants to be married infront of God. A wedding ceremony is supposed to be a declaration of vows infront of your friends and family and for many a promise to God.
C)Whats the difference between what she's explaining and a "vow renewal"? 'A rose by any other name...'

Anyways, I'm done. Ppl are getting to hung up on what's "rude" and didnt even bther to read to see what shes really asking...she wanted suggestions to make her situation reasonable and do-able...

jbarry524 · May 2012

I'm really shocked at everyone's responses to this post! I agree that I don't love the idea of a bridal posse in addition to bridesmaids - especially if not all of your friends are going to be in the bridal posse - but choosing some people to be bridemaids and others to be "just guests" has the same effect: There are people who are good enough to be bridesmaids, some who are good enough to be in the posse but not good enough to be bridesmaids, and some who are just guests. This is just three tiers instead of two, no?

However, that said, I don't think there's a problem with having a small ceremony and a big reception - I've seen that a lot, especially if someone's having a religious ceremony and there are strict rules about who can bear witness in the church or if you want to get married in "your" church but it's very small or something. I also don't think it's a big deal if she's already legally married: I live in France and a lot of my friends are ex-pats who get married in one place and have a second ceremony somewhere else to accommodate their guests who can't travel back and forth. To me, the legal and religious/cultural parts of the wedding are separate, and couples can and should recognize them differently, if they want to. If anything, I think allowing as many people as love you to celebrate with you is considerate, rather than not - why not give your family and friends the opportunity to witness your vows, which might be more personal and important to you that what's written on the marriage license?

greenwoodheights · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:62ab2a79-e20e-4f54-a03c-baeb5936f4c8">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a feeling that ppl aren't really grasping what the concept for this wedding is: A) She's not "using" her cancer as an excuse. She's saying the reason she got married without a ceremony is because she was diagnosed with cancer and in the moment of emotions and uncertianty her and her husband decided to get married in a courthouse. How many of you would want to get married in a courthouse? Im pretty sure not many because otherwise you would not be on this forum. B) After being married for 5 months and becoming settled with her life situtaion she and her husband has decided to have a "real" wedding where her family (and friends who they consider family) will be there. They want an intimate cermony and dinner with family. C) After the dinner they have an official reception with all of their friends. This wouldnt be any different than having a small ceremony and dinner one night and then having a reception another night for everyone else. Or a destination wedding and then a party when you get home. Why get married away from home when you know everyone can't be there? There is nothing wrong with having an "After Party" I think where the explanation of plans went wrong is the idea that the girl will get ready with the bride then sit around for 2-3 hours until the party bus comes to pick them up laterto go to the reception. It was also unclear as to whether the posse had reservations at the venue that the intimate dinner would be (would they be sitting to the side paying for their own food while your family and friends were to eat and drink on you?). I think a better idea (if possible) would to have the intimate ceremony / dinner one day and then the recepton another to avoid confussion/ hurt feelings. Even if they say theyre cool about it one day, wiat until you have them get all dreesed up with you and then say "okay bye Im going to get married see you guys later!" It will be a case of 'All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go' x8 bitter women. Or arrange to have them get ready at a hotel while you're getting married/ eating so they can have fun together (having them wear the same color is a great idea because asking them to do that tells them that they are spececial to you...and I'm sure they know your situation better than we do) and then have the party bus pick them up on the ay to the all inclusive reception. See, simple advice. No need to jump down anyones throat. If she doesn't feel her guests will be offended then why should anyone on here be? Anyone who says "Its all for show" "Its a fake wedding" "just do a vow renewal and then a reception" blah blah blah A) All weddings are for show unless you get married in a courthouse or your wedding is completely no frills (no decoration, no special attire, no rings, etc.) B)Calling it a fake wedding is offencive to even me and I don't even know this woman. How do you know that she's not religious and wants to be married infront of God. A wedding ceremony is supposed to be a declaration of vows infront of your friends and family and for many a promise to God. C)Whats the difference between what she's explaining and a "vow renewal"? 'A rose by any other name...' Anyways, I'm done. Ppl are getting to hung up on what's "rude" and didnt even bther to read to see what shes really asking...she wanted suggestions to make her situation reasonable and do-able...
Posted by riva_cherese@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

All of this. Thank you for the level-headed response that actually addresses the question. I was rather taken aback to see posters flame a woman on the grounds of wanting to have what a lot of women want in a wedding– white dress! Flowers! Everyone there! etc.- it’s no different than what many of them wanted (and given the “siggys”, in fact had). It’s all presentation. If you put on a white dress and a veil, you put on a show. If you had colors for your wedding, had special dances, etc., you bought into “the show”. And so on. Cite all the courthouse stories you have, but the fact is if you post on The Knot, there's a good chance that either you or someone close to you found it necessary to participate in "the show". But that’s what a ceremony IS. It’s presentational, it’s a show- rituals are done to illustrate the rite of passage the “initiate” is taking. The show existed long before the law ever got involved. So in the legal sense, she jumped the gun. She was diagnosed with cancer (which was not “an excuse” but rather as you said, there for clarification) and was probably uninsured; I personally can’t judge someone for essentially going forward with a legal procedure for the protection of their health. And that’s what it was. A legal procedure. They are legally married, but there’s more to getting married than paperwork. Marriage isn’t just a legal procedure (which from what I can tell, is the only part of the process this couple engaged in). If it were, there would be no INS interviews to suss out green card marriages (which can indeed be found “fake”, despite having filed the paperwork!). There’s more to it, like intention, like the spiritual commitment and the social commitment- your circle bearing witness to reinforce that. There are religious communities where the legal aspect is totally ignored; in their mind, what matters is that they are married in the eyes of their god- THAT’S married. When an officiant speaks about marriage, they talk about things like spiritual intention, the family and friends being there, etc. They don’t bring up legalities, and I think that’s very telling with respect to what the heart of “being married”. And I doubt this is solely about "the big show" for this couple. I think additionally, this couple feels the need to go through the traditional steps, state their vows in front of their family and closest friends- and celebrate with their loved ones- to feel as if they’ve truly completed the rite of passage. Not RENEWED vows, as quite possibly they never really stated their vows in the first place. They may have recited words they were required to legally, but never stated the true ones in their hearts. So, the true vows, for the first time. The spiritual marriage, for the first time. And re: the problems with the OP: I also found your post on the mark with respect to the awkward lag time between the “getting ready” and the actual festivities that the “posse” is invited to. It is the best so far in terms of addressing the obvious problems and offering a solution- the separate days. I get anyone seeing this as an "uh-oh". You have proven it can be confronted without all the overblown Pearl Clutching. That being said, I gotta admit, if the Girls-in-Grey are ok with the decision, what’s the problem? If they are hypothetically secretly super miffed? Then they need to communicate like grownups should, and say as much.

MrsBradshaw2014 · May 2012

I don't completely agree that anyone can't have more people come to a reception than what come to the ceremony. I'm going to a wedding next weekend, well a reception, where their wedding parties and immediate family are the only ones going to the ceremony and they have invited everyone to the reception to "celebrate" their nuptuals. This didn't at all hurt my feelings or make me feel like I wasn't important enough.

I don't agree, however, with the three different parts that the OP has planned. Why do you need a formal dinner? Why not eat pizza and party with your guests at the reception? We are bbqing for our reception! We are all eating the same thing.. to save money.. but I am including everyone in it.

Technically, this is a vow renewal ceremony. If you want the wedding dress and the wedding party, that is your choice. I don't agree on the bridal posse. If you want them there when you are getting ready, then have them there, but don't make them all buy the same color dresses and get their hair and make up done. That's what the wedding party does. If you want them to be a part of that then have them be part of your wedding party. At the end of the day, its all up to you. Have the small intimate wedding(vow renewal) like you want it, but then go straight to the reception and cut out the formal dinner.

frantastic12 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:62ab2a79-e20e-4f54-a03c-baeb5936f4c8">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE] B)Calling it a fake wedding is offencive to even me and I don't even know this woman. How do you know that she's not religious and wants to be married infront of God. A wedding ceremony is supposed to be a declaration of vows infront of your friends and family and for many a promise to God. C)Whats the difference between what she's explaining and a "vow renewal"? 'A rose by any other name...' Anyways, I'm done. Ppl are getting to hung up on what's "rude" and didnt even bther to read to see what shes really asking...she wanted suggestions to make her situation reasonable and do-able...
Posted by riva_cherese@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

I find the fact that OP referred to her husband as her fiance quite offensive, as it implies that she thinks a marriage in a courthouse is fake.

The difference between what she's explaining and a vow renewal is that what she's explaining is being presented as a wedding when they're already married. OP stated that not all the guests even know that she and her husband are already married, which is quite deceptive. In a vow renewal, it is known (by everyone) that the couple has already been married.

Jennzibel · May 2012

I completely understand wanting to have the big dress, the flowers, walking down the aisle -- the whole shebag -- and THAT part I have no issue with. Do your thing.

However, it *IS* rude to tier your day -- either invite everyone to everything or keep the entire day small and intimate.

The Bridal Posse idea is positively offensive. I would be so hurt if a friend of mine asked me to be involved in something so ridiculous.

Go, enjoy your day -- but remember that you're going to hurt a lot of people if you continue on the path you're on.

Zazulak · May 2012

Awe, the Bitchy Brides are at it again! Fancy that.

Seriously ladies, I don't think you need to be SO RUDE with someone who isn't blessed enough to understand wedding etiquette like you all do. I'd post something helpful and POLITE but I, too, lack the thorough understanding of the rights and wrongs of weddings.

Maybe if you all would show a little more tact, just a little tiny bit, these women coming here looking for advise would actually LISTEN to you, and make the changes needed for a proper, polite event. How many times have I seen brides post on here only to be chased away by the Bitchy Brides who can't help but tear these poor girls apart.

And besides, all you ladies with 200+ guests, big white dresses, and huge expensive rings - if simply being wedding to the man you love is what marriage is, in fact, all about, then why the extravagance? Who cares, it's just a piece of paper, you're gonna be together forever anyways! If a ceremony of sorts is needed to proclaim your marriage to your god or whatever, you still don't need all that wedding related crap. I doubt your god cares about what you're wearing or your ring that screams "engagement".

Here's my spin on the Golden Rule: If you don't have anything CONSTRUCTIVE to say, don't say anything at all!

DeannaCW · May 2012

^ this makes me laugh. I'm sorry... but exactly HOW do you tell someone that they have the most horribly rude idea you've ever heard without upsetting them? It's the internet, any time you disagree with someone, somebody will get mad and huffy.

Now, there are a few posts from girls correcting that have shocked me. None are on this thread. By OP basically saying that her courthouse wedding wasn't a "real" wedding, she told lots of people here that their weddings weren't real by extension. Why should people not be offended by that?

I get wanting a party after the courthouse wedding. But be honest about it, and don't call your legal wedding fake, even if you don't fully consider yourself married. It's just as real as any other

I'll be honest... I'm the person who goes on the E board for the laughs at some of the arguments that break out. But even I was Horribly Appalled by some of the stuff OP said here. I'm fine with the vow renewal and big party. But tiered receptions? Bridal posse who has to buy a dress in a color they may not like, and have to get ready at a certain time and place, then aren't even allowed at the ceremony or formal dinner? Wrong. Tiered reception? Wrong. And costs more, I don't get why you would.

Zazulak · May 2012

I don't know, maybe instead of saying "this is a horribly rude idea", why not "I see where you are coming from, but something to keep in mind is that weddings are generally done like this *insert normal wedding stuff here* and you could very well end up offending your guests if you choose to do things the way you are thinking of doing them". What's wrong with that!? I don't see that as sugar coating, it's still honest, but it is respectful and tactful and would be much better received by the OP. Or maybe "it's great that you want to include your friends in your big day, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it. It's unreasonable because the girls might feel like they're being treated as props, or not important enough to be present at the ceremony and formal dinner. I think you the best thing to do at this point would be to include them as guests in your ceremony and formal dinner, because having a tiered reception is a big no-no".

I think being tactful goes alot further than simply being blunt. I've been on forums for years, and the saying "you attract more bees with honey than vinegar" has been proven to me over and over again.

All these brides that come on here with wierd ideas, their intentions are good, they really are. They just don't know better. There is no need to rip people off just because they have some unconventional ideas that may or may not work!

Keep in mind that you may have been disgusted with her...but I'm sure she's disgusted with alot of the responses she received. She was asking questions, plain and simple as that.

I just think alot of these members could get their points across alot better if their posts were a little more thought out and tactful.

And really, what's it to you what this random girl on the internet thinks of courthouse weddings?

OBX2011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:e22d3441-876c-4816-ad49-c56868ecc7a7">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know, maybe instead of saying "this is a horribly rude idea", why not "I see where you are coming from, but something to keep in mind is that weddings are generally done like this *insert normal wedding stuff here* and you could very well end up offending your guests if you choose to do things the way you are thinking of doing them". What's wrong with that!? I don't see that as sugar coating, it's still honest, but it is respectful and tactful and would be much better received by the OP. Or maybe "it's great that you want to include your friends in your big day, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it. It's unreasonable because the girls might feel like they're being treated as props, or not important enough to be present at the ceremony and formal dinner. I think you the best thing to do at this point would be to include them as guests in your ceremony and formal dinner, because having a tiered reception is a big no-no". I think being tactful goes alot further than simply being blunt. I've been on forums for years, and the saying "you attract more bees with honey than vinegar" has been proven to me over and over again. All these brides that come on here with wierd ideas, their intentions are good, they really are. They just don't know better. There is no need to rip people off just because they have some unconventional ideas that may or may not work! Keep in mind that you may have been disgusted with her...but I'm sure she's disgusted with alot of the responses she received. She was asking questions, plain and simple as that. I just think alot of these members could get their points across alot better if their posts were a little more thought out and tactful. And really, what's it to you what this random girl on the internet thinks of courthouse weddings?
Posted by Zazulak[/QUOTE

Thanks mom

greenwoodheights · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-and-a-bridal-posse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bbc783d4-efbd-43d0-bddb-d397709535b9Post:e22d3441-876c-4816-ad49-c56868ecc7a7">Re: Bridal Party AND a Bridal Posse</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know, maybe instead of saying "this is a horribly rude idea", why not "I see where you are coming from, but something to keep in mind is that weddings are generally done like this *insert normal wedding stuff here* and you could very well end up offending your guests if you choose to do things the way you are thinking of doing them". What's wrong with that!? I don't see that as sugar coating, it's still honest, but it is respectful and tactful and would be much better received by the OP. Or maybe "it's great that you want to include your friends in your big day, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it. It's unreasonable because the girls might feel like they're being treated as props, or not important enough to be present at the ceremony and formal dinner. I think you the best thing to do at this point would be to include them as guests in your ceremony and formal dinner, because having a tiered reception is a big no-no". I think being tactful goes alot further than simply being blunt. I've been on forums for years, and the saying "you attract more bees with honey than vinegar" has been proven to me over and over again. All these brides that come on here with wierd ideas, their intentions are good, they really are. They just don't know better. There is no need to rip people off just because they have some unconventional ideas that may or may not work! Keep in mind that you may have been disgusted with her...but I'm sure she's disgusted with alot of the responses she received. She was asking questions, plain and simple as that. I just think alot of these members could get their points across alot better if their posts were a little more thought out and tactful. And really, what's it to you what this random girl on the internet thinks of courthouse weddings?
Posted by Zazulak[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I mean, just for the sake of getting someone to actually listen and do the thing you hope they'll do. Shaming is tricky; it can drive an OP to do the exact thing they shouldn't, and it's pretty clear that's what's up if they respond defensively. So in this case, for the sake of Girls-in-Grey (and other guests) if anything, why not try a different tack to get an OP to "get it"? Assuming a poster's intention is to actually help, of course (although I can't help but think, what if everyone really IS cool with it? It's not outside the realm of possibility. In that case, where's the problem? Know Your Crowd.).

I don't buy the conclusion either that her not wanting a courthouse wedding = she thinks all courthouse weddings are bogus. I don't know how it went down at the courthouse, but I'm guessing only the legal bare minimum was covered, and she probably just wants the ceremony witnesses and celebration to feel like she's completed the spiritual/social commitment part. You can want the thing you see in every other Siggy and all over this site, and certainly not think less of anyone who personally doesn't, at the same time.

grafixgrl81 · May 2012

I just saw this post and while I haven't read all of the responses the ones on the first page led me to feel the need to respond.

I do not think it's fair to put her down for wanting a wedding. Sometimes, things happen. For instance, when you have 3 months to get married once your partner gets his fiance visa approved. A lot of people with this situation do someting in a courthouse to apease the law but then plan a wedding, WP and all. I think this is fine.

Also, the tiered reception thing is done abroad all of the time. I lived in England for 3 years and most of the weddings there have a dinner (called a wedding breakfast) for a small amount then a party later. I think it's weird because it is not what we do here but I understand and it does save money.

Now the bridal posse thing, I agree that is not a good idea. You can't have people help you get ready and then tell them they can't even see the ceremony. I would just invite them to the party and that's that. If they are helping you plan and stuff maybe get them a little gift or say thank you to them during the party.

Zazulak · May 2012

OBX2011 - I take it you're either completely unwilling or unable to speak decently to others.

DeannaCW · May 2012

grafix - I get that tiered weddings over there are typical (my FI is English too). But that's changing; more and more they're beginning to be seen as rude there. And just because something's accepted in one culture doesn't make it ok in another.
Personally, in the case of immigration, I am ok with a couple doing a legal wedding then the one they actually want for later. And most of the time when a family member or one of the couple is ill. But the way this bride is going about it is just rude. Yes, sometimes things happen, but she (apparently) didn't consider all options before rushing into marriage the very next day, and is now trying to backpedal and have a redo wedding. That's what's rude about it.

zaz - your post was condescending. That's why she responded the way she did.

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