So I did something terrible... and now my mother isn't speaking to me

jenijoyk

Hi everyone. I've got myself into a terrible situation, which I realize is 100% my fault and I'm desperate to fix it. I'm recently engaged, and in the excitement of it all, my fiance and I ran full steam ahead on wedding planning. We've been together for a long time, but recently got some bad medical news and realized we are short on time in the babymaking department. So in a rush to get it all together and move on to the next chapter of our live together, we started booking wedding things immediately. I've had the attitude that our wedding should be this fun, fantastic party that we are hosting and just want all our friends and family to come and enjoy themselves. I also assumed that no one would really be happy to take on "work tasks" - because wouldn't it be more fun for everyone if they didn't have to worry? So, long story short, I never sat down with my mom and asked her what her expectations were and how she'd like to be involved. Being a polite, hands-off mom, she never said anything like, "Gee, I have so many thoughts on what I'd like!" Or "I can't wait to go wedding dress shopping with you!"

So (you probably see where this is going), my best friends visted a week after I got engaged, and we went dress shopping on a whim. I had no intention of buying anything, but the second dress I tried on was pretty, and was discontinued, and was about 50% off. So I bought it. I didn't think much of it, because I wasn't sure I was enamoured, and figured that it would just be a good backup.

Anyway, my mom found out I bought a dress without her, and she was DEVASTATED. She hasn't spoken to me in the three days since. I can tell she is just brokenhearted. I feel so, so, so terrible. I've apologized about 10 times, each sincerely, and she's having none of it.

The worst part is that I would have loved to shop with her! She lives far away, doesn't like to travel, and never mentioned it, and so I figured I wouldn't trouble her with it. The other worst part is I don't even know if I love the dress I purchased! I had every intention to keep looking. But if I tell her this, she won't believe me.

I miss my mom, I feel terrible that I hurt her, and I have no idea how to make it better. Anyone else been here? Said or did something in the heat of engagement that hurt someone you love? I need to fix this, STAT. But just have no idea how.

emmyg65

Eh, I think your mom is in the wrong here. How were you supposed to know she wanted to go dress shopping? You misjudged, and you apologized for it. That should be enough.

OliveOilsMom

jenijoyk said:

Hi everyone. I've got myself into a terrible situation, which I realize is 100% my fault and I'm desperate to fix it. I'm recently engaged, and in the excitement of it all, my fiance and I ran full steam ahead on wedding planning. We've been together for a long time, but recently got some bad medical news and realized we are short on time in the babymaking department. So in a rush to get it all together and move on to the next chapter of our live together, we started booking wedding things immediately. I've had the attitude that our wedding should be this fun, fantastic party that we are hosting and just want all our friends and family to come and enjoy themselves. I also assumed that no one would really be happy to take on "work tasks" - because wouldn't it be more fun for everyone if they didn't have to worry? So, long story short, I never sat down with my mom and asked her what her expectations were and how she'd like to be involved. Being a polite, hands-off mom, she never said anything like, "Gee, I have so many thoughts on what I'd like!" Or "I can't wait to go wedding dress shopping with you!"

So (you probably see where this is going), my best friends visted a week after I got engaged, and we went dress shopping on a whim. I had no intention of buying anything, but the second dress I tried on was pretty, and was discontinued, and was about 50% off. So I bought it. I didn't think much of it, because I wasn't sure I was enamoured, and figured that it would just be a good backup.

Anyway, my mom found out I bought a dress without her, and she was DEVASTATED. She hasn't spoken to me in the three days since. I can tell she is just brokenhearted. I feel so, so, so terrible. I've apologized about 10 times, each sincerely, and she's having none of it.

The worst part is that I would have loved to shop with her! She lives far away, doesn't like to travel, and never mentioned it, and so I figured I wouldn't trouble her with it. The other worst part is I don't even know if I love the dress I purchased! I had every intention to keep looking. But if I tell her this, she won't believe me.

I miss my mom, I feel terrible that I hurt her, and I have no idea how to make it better. Anyone else been here? Said or did something in the heat of engagement that hurt someone you love? I need to fix this, STAT. But just have no idea how.

I'm sorry that your mom is acting this way.  But I don't think that you have done anything wrong here.  You are an adult paying for your own wedding.  She is also an adult and could have picked up the phone to tell you she would have liked to go wedding dress shopping with you.  Your mom is probably throwing a pitty party for herself right now.  Just give your mom some time, she will come back around.

Also, if you like/love the dress you bought, just stop looking.  Looking at different dresses will only make you second guess yourself.  You got a great bargain!  So skip over wedding dresses in any bridal magazines you have.

Jessicamarie24

You didn't do anything wrong.  It's also understandable that she feels a little bad, but you didn't hurt her on purpose and her not speaking to you is taking it a bit far.  I would just tell her something along the lines of you wanting her to go with you for the fittings to make sure it looks right and that you want her to approve of how you look, but don't punish yourself.  This should be the happiest time of your life and when you find the dress you find the dress.  It doesn't happen the same way for everyone and having crazy expectations of how the moment should be almost always end up in disappointment.  Your mom will get over it.  In time she'll bee way too excited that her baby is getting married to be upset. 

MairePoppy

From an MOB perspective: When my daughter was planning her wedding, I had very few expectations. We gave her $$ and stayed out of the planning. But I would have been hurt if she hadn't included me in shopping for her wedding dress. I know this sounds sappy, but some of us think about that day from the time our daughters are babies. So I do understand where your mom is coming from. What's done is done. You've apologized to her and she should accept your apology and move forward. 

I'd suggest you call your mom and tell her you miss her. If you want to hear her ideas about the wedding, ask her when she can set aside some time for the two of you to talk about the wedding plans. I tried not impose my thoughts on my daughter because I didn't want to be like my own mother, who took over my wedding planning. I waited until I was asked for opinions, because I thought that was a respectful way to treat my daughter.

delujm0

You bought a dress...stop looking now.  If it was seriously discounted, i doubt that it's returnable.  You'll drive yourself crazy if you second guess your decision.  Don't think that the way it's done on "certain TV reality wedding shows" is real life...i didn't start crying when i found my dress.  It was just a nice, affordable dress that i liked and looked good in.  That is enough.  It's just a dress that you're only going to wear once after all.

 

Your mom is in the wrong here.  If she wanted to shop with you she should have mentioned it.  I'm sure she'll come around.

kmmssg

OK - I'm a MOB so I'll get that out of the way. You had no INTENTION of hurting your mom. It was unintentional but, unfortunately, she is quite hurt. Intent is a big thing in my book. I think it is important to note that you bought the dress a week after you got engaged. It isn't like your mom even had TIME to tell you she would want to go. I don't think it is fair for pp's to say "she could have told you if she wanted to shop with you." As a 4 time MOB I never felt I had to call dibs on that within the first 7 days or play suck it up buttercup. You even said she is a polite hands-off kind of mom so that tells me she isn't intrusive, but she is welcome. I have to say that the dress shopping was something I dreamed of their entire lives. I was not disappointed in the experience either. Those times are some of the most treasured I have. And it is ok to feel that way. My girls wanted me their and they got my full support to choose the dress of their dreams (not mine). I have to be honest here - I would have to find a way to put it in the past, but I would always feel cheated if I were your mom. The saddest part of the whole thing is that you had NO intention of hurting her feelings. I truly do understand that! I just truly understand how she feels too. Give her some time, then do whatever you have to do to talk to her and make her understand you had no intention of hurting her and that you were trying to make this easy for everyone. See if she can come to visit for other planning. You can't change it, she is going to have to find a way to deal with it, and you guys need to move past it. I wish you much luck moving forward!

Jen4948

You didn't do anything wrong.

There is no etiquette requirement that you ask your mother or anyone else to go dress shopping with you.  Nor can you read minds, so how the heck were you supposed to know your mother wanted to go with you?

She needs to grow up and accept your apologies-or at least stop trying to make you feel guilty.

jenijoyk

Thanks for your thoughts, kmmssg. Reading how much shopping with your daughters meant to you definitely started the waterworks going, but I suppose it is what it is. I'll try calling again tonight, but I don't have high hopes. I really cannot believe I was this dumb. 

My mom raised me to be a very independent, strong, feminist, and self-reliant young lady. She's never mentioned, my entire life, that she was excited for my wedding day. I certainly thought in her list of mother-daughter milestones, my law school graduation would have been the top day. I seriously had no clue my wedding would mean so much to her. If I could take it all back, I definitely would. Like you said, it was so, so unintentional. But regardless, she is really hurt and I shouldn't have assumed anything.

jenijoyk

Also, thanks everyone for trying to assuage the guilt a little.

Maggie0829

You didn't do anything wrong.  But then again, you know how your Mom is and instead of just assuming that she wants to not be bothered with wedding stuff you should have talked to her about it to see what if anything she wanted to be involved in.

I know that you are an adult and can plan your wedding without in put from anyone, but like kmmssg said many Mothers think about their daughters wedding day from the day that they are born.  Even though your Mom may not outwardly tell you things you should still try and share things with her instead of just assuming she doesn't care.

At this point all you can do is move forward.  Your Mom will eventually get over her hurt feelings, but at least you now know that she does want to be involved.

And as for buying a dress that you weren't even sure about just because it was on sale and can be used as a back-up.  IMO, that was a huge waste of money.

jenijoyk

Thanks for your input Maggie. Yes, I messed up by buying this dress. I think that is clear to all now. I'm just making this up as I go, and clearly, making a lot of mistakes.

MsVeronicaG

I agree with the other posters, you were not really in the wrong and you stepped up and apologized.

Keep trying to get in touch with her, I'm sure her anger and disappointment will subside over time. To extend an olive branch in your mom's direction, maybe invite her to do other wedding related tasks with you. I know she's not nearby but maybe she can spend a weekend with you visiting venues, purchasing bridal accessories, attending a dress fitting, picking out flowers or going to a cake tasting. I would also make it a point in the future to keep her in the loop regarding your wedding plans, like emailing her pictures or discussing things over the phone to let her know you care about her and value her opinion.

Good luck!!

CMGragain

Your Mother isn't speaking to you?  How childish.

gm5

MOB here (daughter getting married late this year) - I went with her to pick out her dress, we actually did most of the shopping and looking just the two of us (first two times it was her, me, sister, and 2 sister in laws.  When it became too stressful for her due to all the strong opinions, she asked if just her and I could go together until she found one, THEN everyone was invited out to view THE one).  I actually didn't ask to go, though I REALLY wanted to :-) I understood how stressful the appts were turning out to be and I didn't want to add anymore stress.  The fact she wanted me to go meant a lot and it's an experience I will never forget. So, having explained that - I don't think this is a case of right or wrong, it's the hurt feelings you have now and your Mom has because of this.  You don't want to feel this way, and I'm betting neither does she.  The best thing to do is to get this resolved before too much time passes.  She's not talking to you, some might say this is childish, but her feelings ARE hurt, and if we are honest with ourselves there are many times we get our feelings hurt and it makes no sense to anyone but ourselves, so there you go.  Saying it's childish, not against etiquette means nothing in this case.  It sounds like you want to make things better so... Is there any way you can go her?  You mentioned she is far away, but is there an opportunity for you to visit her and just hug each for a minute?  As a Mom I can say there is nothing better or more healing when my daughters or I get in a disagreement then when we hug it out.  Just a suggestion.   

jenijoyk

Ok. First, thank you everyone for your words of encouragment and good ideas as to how to include my mom in everything moving forward. We talked on the phone last night, and I apologized not just for the "dress moment" but also for not talking a breath after I got engaged, sitting down with her, and finding out what all her expectations were. I apologized for completely misjudging her thinking she wouldn't be all mushy over this, and apologized for not considering that I absolutely should have asked her. I told her I would be really really sad if this ruined my wedding for her, and she assured me it wouldn't. She's obviously still really hurt, but said she just wants to move on.

Was she being being silly for not talking to me for several days? Maybe. But her feelings were really hurt. We all do the best we can with our emotions.

I will definitely, 100% make sure she is with me for all my fittings, and make sure she is the person in charge of my bustle. I'll make sure she's with me to pick out my hair do-dads. And make sure we get our hair done together on my wedding day. In a few weeks when she's feeling a little less hurt, I'll ask if I can come visit to go shopping for her dress. She's probably going to think she forced me into all this, but of course that isn't the case at all.

And the next time one of my girlfriends gets engaged, I will be sure to remind them of the obvious - it isn't all about you! (Some of us need reminders.)

singinchick13

I'm sorry, but if you are close enough that she is severely missing having gone shopping with you then it is extremely immature for her to stop speaking to you over this. She is supposed to be your mentor, and having raised such a strong-minded, independent daughter she should not question your ability to make decisions for yourself, or even without consulting her. There was not much time to discuss dress shopping, sure, but most mothers who look forward to this and their child's wedding day have mentioned it at least once prior to them becoming engaged. While I think it is great that your mother values these things (speaking as someone whose mother could care less even if I created a cure for cancer), it is not your job to interpret her feelings. You should not feel guilty at all. There is plenty of opportunity for your mom to be involved in your big day, and if she would rather spend the time ignoring you than supporting you then that is her loss.

MairePoppy

That's great that you acknowledged your mom's hurt feelings, jennyjoyk. I think that's the most important thing that you could have done at this point. You and your mom still have plenty of time to make memories and decide which traditions you want to honor. You sound like a caring daughter. Have fun planning.

AshleyP42

It's sad that your mom won't accept your apology or be willing to talk this situation out.  I know that must really hurt     If she's not ready to talk about what happened, maybe send her an email or a hand-written note.  So that it doesn't sound impersonal maybe start it by saying something like "I understand you're not ready to talk to me about what happened but it's really important to me that I be able to apologize and explain why everything happened as it did.  I decided to write this to you so you can read it and think about it on your own time, and talk to me when you are ready."  I had awful communication issues with my mom when I was younger, and sometimes this helped.  Is it the ideal way to communicate?  No.  But it's better than not speaking at all and it sounds like you did your best to address this directly.

kmmssg

AshleyP42 said:

It's sad that your mom won't accept your apology or be willing to talk this situation out.  I know that must really hurt     If she's not ready to talk about what happened, maybe send her an email or a hand-written note.  So that it doesn't sound impersonal maybe start it by saying something like "I understand you're not ready to talk to me about what happened but it's really important to me that I be able to apologize and explain why everything happened as it did.  I decided to write this to you so you can read it and think about it on your own time, and talk to me when you are ready."  I had awful communication issues with my mom when I was younger, and sometimes this helped.  Is it the ideal way to communicate?  No.  But it's better than not speaking at all and it sounds like you did your best to address this directly.

Look 3 posts up from yours.  OP and her mother talked and they are moving forward.

zitiqueen

An important lesson to take from this -- everybody likes to be included, even if they have to say no. Let it be their decision, not one you make for them.

MelodyRN

Glad to see things have worked out!

xxBrittanyLB

I'm glad things have worked out! My Mom and I have a REALLY close relationship as I was diagnosed with a rare medical condition when I was younger and was a single Mom. She was there for me through numerous surgeries, etc. I know for one she would have been DEVASTATED if she wasn't there with me to get my wedding dress.

With that being said, just a thought, I had originally wanted to wear my Mom's wedding dress that she married my father in. My FI thought it was bad ju-ju before they got divorced. Maybe if you wanted to do something special and if she was willing if she has been married...I saw on Pinterest how you could take one of your Dad's tee-shirts and sew a bit of it in your dress if he passed away, etc. 

If your Mom is still upset and giving you trouble...maybe you can somehow incorporate her dress into hers by sewing a piece of her's to yours underneath or something? Just a thought and you could tell her that even though she wasn't there, she had great taste with her dress and you'd be honored to "wear" hers too. That might mean a lot to her... Again, just a thought.

But I really hope things work out for you and take some time to breathe during wedding planning. I know you are trying to get it done in a hurry but I'm afraid you won't really enjoy the experience if you are just like a little energizer bunny.  

Good luck!

jenijoyk

xxBrittanyLB - Genius idea!!! Thank you!!!

Mom is actually flying down to see me in a few weeks so we can go shopping for hair accessories and invitations. I am SO GLAD that she seems to have forgiven me and is excited about my wedding. In a way, maybe it's good this whole thing happened, because it showed me how much she cares and is excited about this wedding. And made me so much more cognizant of how important this is. Plus she has never visited me on her own before, so I'm REALLY excited.

Thanks again everyone for all your nice words.

osarto

I'm so happy for you that things worked out.  Happy wedding planning!

ktjanesmom

You may have done something a little bit wrong but I think if you give her some time, she will be fine.  Include her in other things.  Ask her to join you for other things.

Jen4948

ktjanesmom said:

You may have done something a little bit wrong but I think if you give her some time, she will be fine.  Include her in other things.  Ask her to join you for other things.

She did nothing wrong.  She has no more ability to read minds than anyone else so her mother getting pissed about not getting asked to go on a dress shopping trip is stupid and childish, but not the OP's fault.  MOBs are not "entitled" to be asked to go anywhere if they're not paying.

gm5

@Jen4948 - I hestitate to respond to this because it seems like you might have some issues that you are projecting through this thread.  I think the "MOBs are not "entitled" to be asked to go anywhere if they're not paying" comment is what struck me the most though.  There are plenty of Mother's (parent's in general) out there that can't afford certain things for their children but it doesn't mean they love them any less. And to have a stipulation that if no money is forked over then basic human decency can be thrown out the window is wrong.  

MairePoppy

My thoughts, exactly @gm5. Thank you. 

jenyjoyk didn't mention the word 'entitled.' She is worried about her mom's hurt feelings and was looking for suggestions on how to approach her mom because she is hurt, too. Thankfully, her mom got over it and is looking forward to helping out with the wedding planning. 

lc07

Maybe I'm lucky but there is no way in Hell my mother would not speak to me for three days. About anything. Hurt or not. Whether I was a total bitch or if it was an accidental hurting of feelings. Life is short, folks. That is beyond immature. I'm glad the relationship is healing and moving forward, OP. You did the right thing by acknowledging her feelings and apologizing even though it was not your intent to hurt her. I'm glad your communication is improving!

Jen4948

gm5 said:

@Jen4948 - I hestitate to respond to this because it seems like you might have some issues that you are projecting through this thread.  I think the "MOBs are not "entitled" to be asked to go anywhere if they're not paying" comment is what struck me the most though.  There are plenty of Mother's (parent's in general) out there that can't afford certain things for their children but it doesn't mean they love them any less. And to have a stipulation that if no money is forked over then basic human decency can be thrown out the window is wrong.  

If going with the OP on a dress shopping trip really mattered, the OP's mother could have simply spoken up and asked to go along.  Instead, she decided to get butt hurt and guilt trip the OP because she expected her mind to be read without her having to express herself directly, unlike the rest of the human race.  That's what really bothers me.  It's not an acceptable way to express "love."