Is it rude...

[Deleted User]

to invite someone to the bachelorette party that is not invited to the wedding? Or to invite someone to a bachelorette party that the bride to be doesn't know? Two of my friends (bridesmaids) are doing this for my b-party. It's an overnight event, but they are coming up just for the evening (a dinner and club I think, or maybe just the club part). I get that they are not required to participate in anything, but it kind of sucks that they do not feel comfortable coming alone (they do each know about 3-4 other girls who will be there). Also, it seems as if all the girls are putting in for bottle service and these girls are not. If they aren't participating in the bottle service, they shouldn't be allowed to partake in the drinking is what I would say if I were the MOH or an outsider looking in. But does that mean they should be called out if they do? I hope things don't get dramatic because I shouldn't be the one to deal with it but I'm worried about arguments or girls coming to me and whining about stuff.

Jen4948

Yes, it's rude to invite anyone to a wedding-related event who isn't related to the wedding.

Also, you aren't the one who is supposed to be hosting your b-party.  Get the guest list from the hostess of the party and check that nobody is on it who isn't on the wedding guest list.  Leave the drinking issue in her hands and don't be further involved in the planning.

CMGragain

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

[Deleted User]

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

JasperandOpal

I would just talk to the MOH (it sounds like she is the one planning it? or talk to the person planning it), ask to see the guest list and then ask about the extra invites.  If they aren't invited to the wedding they really shouldn't be a part of the b-party.  Its not rude to bring up the topic and its not rude to say they shouldn't been invited or inquire as to why they are being invited. 

Also, I can't understand why anyone would want to go to the b-party of a person they don't know.  I would be so uncomfortable.

edited to add:

as to your second question- yes, if the women are planning it and have agreed on a way of splitting the bill, that is their choice and none of your concern.  But I totally agree that they might get uncomfortable paying the bottle service for other people who shouldn't really have been invited.

Jen4948

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

thisismynickname2

Yes, it's rude to invite people to any pre-wedding event that isn't invited to the wedding.

That being said, I was twice a tag-along friend. One was before a DW of someone in my general outer social circle. The second was for a coworker of my best friend's that I'd met several times before. I didn't go to the personal, at home stuff, but I showed up at the clubs for dancing, bought my own drinks and whatnot. Both times it was a) public venue but b) because my friend barely knew other people going and wanted my company. I knew full well I wasn't invited to the wedding. No one *seemed* to mind (drunkity drunk!).
Was it rude of friends to invite me? Yeah, in retrospect, and we weren't thinking about etiquette back then. I shouldn't have gone. Live and learn?

[Deleted User]

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

So are MOHs and whoever else is hosting the parties supposed to cover the cost of the guests' lodging as well? Since a b-party is not a gift-giving event, I see it very similar to a girls night out, wherein each person is responsible for their consumption and food. Maybe I'm mistaken but most b-parties seem to be a night out or weekend event. In these cases, do the hosts pay for everyone's accommodations for the entire event?

Additionally, I am not organizing my own party at all and I'm not sure why you assumed I was.

CMGragain

jaragon007 said:

to invite someone to the bachelorette party that is not invited to the wedding? Or to invite someone to a bachelorette party that the bride to be doesn't know? Two of my friends (bridesmaids) are doing this for my b-party. It's an overnight event, but they are coming up just for the evening (a dinner and club I think, or maybe just the club part). I get that they are not required to participate in anything, but it kind of sucks that they do not feel comfortable coming alone (they do each know about 3-4 other girls who will be there). Also, it seems as if all the girls are putting in for bottle service and these girls are not. If they aren't participating in the bottle service, they shouldn't be allowed to partake in the drinking is what I would say if I were the MOH or an outsider looking in. But does that mean they should be called out if they do? I hope things don't get dramatic because I shouldn't be the one to deal with it but I'm worried about arguments or girls coming to me and whining about stuff.

We can only go by what you post.  Who is hosting your party?  Why are they not dealing with this?  You should not be in the position of worrying about this question at all!  It's their problem, not yours.
When I was a bride, my FMIL did some horribly rude things at the Rehearsal Dinner.  I actually threatened to not attend unless she solved the issue.  A good friend advised me, "You planned your wedding, and she planned the RD.  If she screws it up, it's on her, not you."  Great advice. 

Maggie0829

OP, for what it is worth I did not get that you were throwing your own b-party from your post.  

Also for b-parties, the person or persons organizing it do not cover the costs of everyone invited.  This type of event is completely different then a bridal shower.  B-parties do not have hosts per se but rather organizers of the nights events.  And typically those organizers should be consulting those invited in regards to the costs of things prior to anyone making any kind of commitment in attending.

As for those two girls your BMs are inviting, I do not see the harm in speaking with your BMs and letting them know that you do not feel comfortable inviting these two individuals since they are not invited to the wedding and that you do not really know them.  Even though your BMs are organizing this party you, as the bride, should have final say over the guest list.

As for any arguments or disagreements that may occur during the nights festivities, you just need to be prepared to bean dip the whiners.  Unfortunately when drinking is involved whining and complaining or arguments are bound to happen.  If someone comes to you and starts complaining say something like "I love this song!  Lets go dance."  Then grab a friend and go dance.  Or "oh my gosh, I am so thirsty.  I am going to run to the bar."  But whatever you do, do not get pulled in.

Oh and if these girls do come and partake in the bottle service that they did not contribute to, you just need to let it go.  Do not call them out.  If someone else does, then that is their issue to deal with but you just need to ignore it and just have fun.

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto Maggie. I also got, from reading your OP, that you aren't hosting your own b-party AND that the rudeness is on the part of your BMs, not on you.

So no strikes for you on those counts.

It's always rude for anyone to assume or imply that participants should pay for anything, and it seems like you think if they don't pay, they shouldn't get to drink, and that is rude.

But that is also not your problem. That's something your MOH and BMs need to work out among themselves. If these other girls don't pay, then they don't, and that's something for the people who do pay to worry about.

Jen4948

jaragon007 said:

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

So are MOHs and whoever else is hosting the parties supposed to cover the cost of the guests' lodging as well? Since a b-party is not a gift-giving event, I see it very similar to a girls night out, wherein each person is responsible for their consumption and food. Maybe I'm mistaken but most b-parties seem to be a night out or weekend event. In these cases, do the hosts pay for everyone's accommodations for the entire event?

Additionally, I am not organizing my own party at all and I'm not sure why you assumed I was.

You didn't indicate that anyone else was organizing it on your behalf.

You are not required to cover the travel and lodging costs for your guests to make it to the area where your party is taking place, but your hosts should be covering the costs of the party provisions.  They should not be passing those costs on to your guests.

Bubblegum5586

Maggie0829 said:

OP, for what it is worth I did not get that you were throwing your own b-party from your post.  

Also for b-parties, the person or persons organizing it do not cover the costs of everyone invited.  This type of event is completely different then a bridal shower.  B-parties do not have hosts per se but rather organizers of the nights events.  And typically those organizers should be consulting those invited in regards to the costs of things prior to anyone making any kind of commitment in attending.

As for those two girls your BMs are inviting, I do not see the harm in speaking with your BMs and letting them know that you do not feel comfortable inviting these two individuals since they are not invited to the wedding and that you do not really know them.  Even though your BMs are organizing this party you, as the bride, should have final say over the guest list.

As for any arguments or disagreements that may occur during the nights festivities, you just need to be prepared to bean dip the whiners.  Unfortunately when drinking is involved whining and complaining or arguments are bound to happen.  If someone comes to you and starts complaining say something like "I love this song!  Lets go dance."  Then grab a friend and go dance.  Or "oh my gosh, I am so thirsty.  I am going to run to the bar."  But whatever you do, do not get pulled in.

Oh and if these girls do come and partake in the bottle service that they did not contribute to, you just need to let it go.  Do not call them out.  If someone else does, then that is their issue to deal with but you just need to ignore it and just have fun.

This sums up what I was thinking.

I agree that Bparties are organized and everyone pays their own way. The hosts/organizers cover anything additional that they want to add. I do not think it is unreasonable to ask the guests to cover their own lodging, food and alcohol. If its out of your budget then you need to decline attending. This is happening to me in a few weeks. I just can't swing extra costs at this time so I am declining the Bparty (of my future cousin in law).

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

So are MOHs and whoever else is hosting the parties supposed to cover the cost of the guests' lodging as well? Since a b-party is not a gift-giving event, I see it very similar to a girls night out, wherein each person is responsible for their consumption and food. Maybe I'm mistaken but most b-parties seem to be a night out or weekend event. In these cases, do the hosts pay for everyone's accommodations for the entire event?

Additionally, I am not organizing my own party at all and I'm not sure why you assumed I was.

You didn't indicate that anyone else was organizing it on your behalf.

You are not required to cover the travel and lodging costs for your guests to make it to the area where your party is taking place, but your hosts should be covering the costs of the party provisions.  They should not be passing those costs on to your guests.

I'm sorry but I disagree with this.  If bottle service is discussed with everyone before hand as something that can be done and everyone agrees to the price then the hosts should not be the ones that have to cover the costs.  B-parties are always a pay your own way thing, even for the bride (unless the attendees want to step up and pay for her drinks or dinner).  I have never been to a b-party and expected things to be covered for me.  I always paid for my part of the limo or my part of the bottle service or my part of dinner, etc.

MairePoppy

My daughter's MOH organized her bp - sent out emails with the details and cost of the activity. Each person paid her own way directly to the vendor. I have never heard of a bp that was 'hosted.' Maybe this is a regional thing? 

OP, your bms shouldn't have invited friends who aren't invited to your wedding. But this is their problem, so you don't have to say anything about it. FWIW, I think it would be pretty cheap to drink without chipping in for the bottle. Again, let your bms deal with the situation. You should only be concerned with having a great night out.

kmmssg

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

Jen4948 said:

jaragon007 said:

CMGragain said:

It is rude to organize and throw your own bachelorette party.  It is rude to invite anyone who has not been invited to the wedding.  It is rude for the hosts of a party to expect guests to contribute money or refreshments.  Three strikes, you're out.

I am not organizing or throwing my own party. I'm not sure where you got that idea, except for the fact that I know that two other girls were invited that were not on my guest list. The event consists of an overnight stay (girls who want to stay over are paying for their room) dinner (I think) and a club or bar (I think, it's all a surprise). I believe this was outlined in the emails my MOHs sent out to the girls, and if the girls were okay with contributing, isn't that their prerogative?

Actually, no.  It is not the guests' prerogative ever to pay for the costs of their provisions.  That's the hosts' job, and for any guest to be "okay" with it perpetuates the idea that hosts can get away with making other people shoulder burdens that they should be taking on.  In other words, if you issue the invitations, it's your job to pay the bills.  Don't pass it on to to the guests no matter how "okay" they are with it.  It's not always polite for one to assume responsibilities that are not one's own.

So are MOHs and whoever else is hosting the parties supposed to cover the cost of the guests' lodging as well? Since a b-party is not a gift-giving event, I see it very similar to a girls night out, wherein each person is responsible for their consumption and food. Maybe I'm mistaken but most b-parties seem to be a night out or weekend event. In these cases, do the hosts pay for everyone's accommodations for the entire event?

Additionally, I am not organizing my own party at all and I'm not sure why you assumed I was.

You didn't indicate that anyone else was organizing it on your behalf.

You are not required to cover the travel and lodging costs for your guests to make it to the area where your party is taking place, but your hosts should be covering the costs of the party provisions.  They should not be passing those costs on to your guests.

I'm sorry but I disagree with this.  If bottle service is discussed with everyone before hand as something that can be done and everyone agrees to the price then the hosts should not be the ones that have to cover the costs.  B-parties are always a pay your own way thing, even for the bride (unless the attendees want to step up and pay for her drinks or dinner).  I have never been to a b-party and expected things to be covered for me.  I always paid for my part of the limo or my part of the bottle service or my part of dinner, etc.

Absolutely agree with everything Maggie has said and I have NO clue why anyone jumped to the conclusion that she was organizing her own bach party.  I have never heard of anyone covering the cost of the guests at a bach party - it is always pay your own way.

I think OP is worrying about how these extra guests will be perceived regarding the bottle service as well as the fact she realizes that they should not be invited to the bach party since they are not on the guest list.