FI thinks TK turned me into the etiquette police

afox007

But I'm pretty sure I'm just surrounded by a whole lot of tacky. The past few days has just been a wave of crazy and he just rolls his eyes as I complain.

1. Got an invite to his friends wedding. The bride wants to make a scrapbook so instead of providing RSVP cards she requested we RSVP by sending back a postcard showing te location we live.

2. My cousin is having her second baby in 2 years and is throwing her own shower.

3. One of his coworkers is eloping in a few weeks and just had a huge couples shower and joint bachelorette party that she threw herself.

4. A good friend of mine is 8 weeks pregnant and sent me a pic of her ultrasound along with a text that I better start planning her shower and she would prefer it not be at my house since she doesn't want to drive half an hour.

There's just too much nope going on and all FI can say is that no one follows etiquette anymore and at least me and my little Internet friends can sleep knowing we aren't tacky.

bethsmiles

It does seem like a lot of people don't follow etiquette anymore. Thankfully my SO does realize that just because people do rude things doesn't mean they should and that we should follow etiquette even if they don't. But he also isn't as annoyed by it as I am.

lc07

Keep fighting the good fight.

lookame3639

I've mentioned some tacky/rude things to FI~a friend put her registry over Facebook after her family threw her a babyshower, a cousin is having a girls baby shower and a guys baby shower~the guys have to bring a pack of diapersfor a drink cup and their own chairs. Stuff like that he rolled his eyes and told me that iI'm the etiquette police

phira

I misread the first faux pas and was like, "That's kind of cool!" until I realized that you were supposed to go out and purchase your own postcard. Fuck that shit.

Peaseblossom55

Some of the things ettiquette wise that are rude and bug me, really don't seem to bother FI as much.  He doesn't why some things are so rude. I refused to let good ettiquette and manners die...

HisGirlFriday13

phira said:

I misread the first faux pas and was like, "That's kind of cool!" until I realized that you were supposed to go out and purchase your own postcard. Fuck that shit.

Me, too! I thought the postcard was included. Reading fail. 

DH and I not infrequently butt heads about what is and isn't rude. I always win, even when he doesn't quite understand why.

I will usually re-frame the etiquette blunder outside of a wedding or baby shower event, and say to him, 'OK, so if we invite our friends over for dinner on Saturday, we're going to charge them for drinks?' He'll say, 'Of course not! That's rude.' And I'll say, 'So why is a cash bar at a wedding not rude? Same principle. You've invited people to an event you're hosting.' 

The lightbulb then goes off for DH. It's a process.

Keep fighting the good fight, though! We're here in the trenches with you.

phira

HisGirlFriday13 said:

phira said:

I misread the first faux pas and was like, "That's kind of cool!" until I realized that you were supposed to go out and purchase your own postcard. Fuck that shit.

Me, too! I thought the postcard was included. Reading fail. 

DH and I not infrequently butt heads about what is and isn't rude. I always win, even when he doesn't quite understand why.

I will usually re-frame the etiquette blunder outside of a wedding or baby shower event, and say to him, 'OK, so if we invite our friends over for dinner on Saturday, we're going to charge them for drinks?' He'll say, 'Of course not! That's rude.' And I'll say, 'So why is a cash bar at a wedding not rude? Same principle. You've invited people to an event you're hosting.' 

The lightbulb then goes off for DH. It's a process.

Keep fighting the good fight, though! We're here in the trenches with you.

Yep! Sounds like what J and I go through. When it came to the bar, he and I were butting heads over what to do when our tab maxed out, and whether or not to limit the selection of alcohol. We want to have a limited open bar, which means no top shelf liquor. One of J's brothers is pretty wealthy; J wanted his brother to be able to purchase the top shelf liquor, and he thought it would be rude if his brother couldn't. I said, "So if your brother came over to our apartment for dinner, and all we had was not-top-shelf whiskey, would that be rude? Should he offer to give us money to run out and get some liquor that he wanted?"

That worked pretty well.

blabla89

A whole lot of tacky, indeed.

FI doesn't understand why it was rude of his dear friend from college to not invite me to his wedding. I don't really want to go to the wedding, but doesn't the friend care enough about FI to know he's been in a relationship for the last 2 years? I also had to explain why I refused to have a HM registry.

tesgirl123

afox007 said:

1. Got an invite to his friends wedding. The bride wants to make a scrapbook so instead of providing RSVP cards she requested we RSVP by sending back a postcard showing te location we live.

That sounds really cute the first time you read it and then its like "WTF."    I wonder if there is anyway to make it work without being rude, but I can'tcome up with anything it right now.

 I honestly wouldn't even know where to buy a postcard showing where I am from.  

Kauris

FI does chuckle when I go off on a tangent about something I read on here and relate it to our life/wedding. 

My dad is quite proud of me though when I mention different etiquette things, like making sure to invite my cousin's BF by name and ensuring him that out of town guests will be extended a plus one to travel with.

KRD2014

ha! i had to laugh at first sight of the title of this post, knowing i would relate.... FI and i just argued last week on this exact issue!! we're close to our venue capacity, regarding seating for both ceremony and reception, and i'm worried about it. my solution is to rent more tables and chairs. he made the suggestion that "if we have too many people show up, whoever gets there late can stand". he made the typical comment "it's our wedding and we can do it how ever we want." ~ OHHH NOOO... we went around and around on this for a while. it ended with me saying, "just because YOU don't care about certain points of etiquette, doesn't mean we are going to ignore them. we WILL have enough chairs and i'm not going to LET our wedding be a diorganized mess. these types of things WILL reflect on us as a couple, and we can't possibly know who we've offended. and because they love us, we'll likely never hear about it." UGH

sofakingmad

Being on TK and specifically on the Etiquette board definitely helps you to understand why the current trends can be rude to your guests.

I think that everyone should spend a day over here while planning their wedding.  I wish I had!

afox007

phira said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

phira said:

I misread the first faux pas and was like, "That's kind of cool!" until I realized that you were supposed to go out and purchase your own postcard. Fuck that shit.

Me, too! I thought the postcard was included. Reading fail. 

DH and I not infrequently butt heads about what is and isn't rude. I always win, even when he doesn't quite understand why.

I will usually re-frame the etiquette blunder outside of a wedding or baby shower event, and say to him, 'OK, so if we invite our friends over for dinner on Saturday, we're going to charge them for drinks?' He'll say, 'Of course not! That's rude.' And I'll say, 'So why is a cash bar at a wedding not rude? Same principle. You've invited people to an event you're hosting.' 

The lightbulb then goes off for DH. It's a process.

Keep fighting the good fight, though! We're here in the trenches with you.

Yep! Sounds like what J and I go through. When it came to the bar, he and I were butting heads over what to do when our tab maxed out, and whether or not to limit the selection of alcohol. We want to have a limited open bar, which means no top shelf liquor. One of J's brothers is pretty wealthy; J wanted his brother to be able to purchase the top shelf liquor, and he thought it would be rude if his brother couldn't. I said, "So if your brother came over to our apartment for dinner, and all we had was not-top-shelf whiskey, would that be rude? Should he offer to give us money to run out and get some liquor that he wanted?"

That worked pretty well.

FI also usually comes around eventually, but only if I take the wedding out of the equation. Luckily his first wedding was such an etiquette cluster fuck that there are a lot of things he is adamant about this time like no cash bar.

thisismynickname2

I think the first one is a cute and thoughtful idea.  I totally get what everyone is saying that you have to buy your own postcard to reply, and it's the cost to the guest that makes it rude.  I get it, I do!

But.

Don't we, as brides, provide RSVP cards with SASEs these days because having one's own stationary is a personal etiquette thing that's fallen by the wayside?  Is sending a post card of where you live totally different from using your own embossed, personalized stationary (that costs a lot anyway) to RSVP?  

And you're going to buy a greeting card to bring to the wedding anyway....?

Look, I'm not going to run out and steal this idea, but heck, if I was asked to do it, I would without batting an eye. It's way better than some traditional guestbook you'll never read again.  

theartistformerlyknownas

Man, I would think it was rude enough to have to use my own stamp to mail back an RSVP, let alone go out and buy the postcard! 

And I'm SO OVER the whole multiple baby showers thing. So many of my friends say shit like "well it's just not fair that Baby 1 was honored with a shower, and Baby 2 gets jack diddly. Don't we love Baby 2 enough for little precious to get its own shower?" NO because the shower isn't meant to honor the BABY, it's meant to honor the person becoming a parent for the first time, which happens precisely ONCE. Doesn't matter how far apart your kids are, or whether you're having a different gender. You are already a parent. If someone thinks it's just so unfair and wants to bring you a present, they will. You don't get another shower!

tammym1001

But I'm pretty sure I'm just surrounded by a whole lot of tacky. The past few days has just been a wave of crazy and he just rolls his eyes as I complain. 1. Got an invite to his friends wedding. The bride wants to make a scrapbook so instead of providing RSVP cards she requested we RSVP by sending back a postcard showing te location we live. 2. My cousin is having her second baby in 2 years and is throwing her own shower. 3. One of his coworkers is eloping in a few weeks and just had a huge couples shower and joint bachelorette party that she threw herself. 4. A good friend of mine is 8 weeks pregnant and sent me a pic of her ultrasound along with a text that I better start planning her shower and she would prefer it not be at my house since she doesn't want to drive half an hour. There's just too much nope going on and all FI can say is that no one follows etiquette anymore and at least me and my little Internet friends can sleep knowing we aren't tacky.

I read the bolded as she is throwing her own shower for a baby she is going to have in 2 years. I was like how the hell can she even know that? LOL Reading comprehension fail!

Cookie Pusher

Do they make postcards for "Super-Secret Old Money Town in Northern NJ" because I have never, in 20+ years of living in my town, found a postcard. I'd have to drive out into one of the nature reserves (without getting lost since they apparently don't believe in signs) and hope to find an appropriate post card there. During their normal business hours, which are incidentally the same business hours I work. Nope. Just so much nope.

Sars06

My fiance doesn't worry as much about being correct as I do, but he did read "Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding" and liked it.

He claimed not to be offended when he got invited to a friend's engagement party "instead of" her wedding, but he definitely thought it was...off.

SharedJoy

I would totally send them a postcard with old dudes in Speedos or something. It would look fab in their scrap book.

FI is pretty certain I am the only one in our family and group of friends that knows proper etiquette so I shouldn't worry about it. Thanks but no thanks.

afox007

SharedJoy said:

I would totally send them a postcard with old dudes in Speedos or something. It would look fab in their scrap book.

FI is pretty certain I am the only one in our family and group of friends that knows proper etiquette so I shouldn't worry about it. Thanks but no thanks.

We live in a pretty snall townso I doubt our town has postcards unless I drive 40 minutes to the closest city. Since there is a lot of pot usage around here I'm toying with the idea of designing my own postcard with scantily clad women and weed leaves since I know the brides conservative family would love it.

huskypuppy14

Lolo8383 said:

Man, I would think it was rude enough to have to use my own stamp to mail back an RSVP, let alone go out and buy the postcard! 

And I'm SO OVER the whole multiple baby showers thing. So many of my friends say shit like "well it's just not fair that Baby 1 was honored with a shower, and Baby 2 gets jack diddly. Don't we love Baby 2 enough for little precious to get its own shower?" NO because the shower isn't meant to honor the BABY, it's meant to honor the person becoming a parent for the first time, which happens precisely ONCE. Doesn't matter how far apart your kids are, or whether you're having a different gender. You are already a parent. If someone thinks it's just so unfair and wants to bring you a present, they will. You don't get another shower!

It's not rude to not include RSVP cards. It actually used to be gauche to do so, because everyone had their own stationary and knew how to respond to an invitation.  Nowadays, it's just easier for the couple to include them, because people wouldn't RSVP otherwise.

jalyndani

Ah, someone else who's been accused of being a member of the Etiquette Police Force. I canNOT get my FI to understand some etiquette breaches that his mother has been suggesting. He gets his feathers all ruffled when I try to explain how a particular idea is rude or tacky, we get in a huge argument with him insisting that "nobody really cares" and I have a panic attack that our shower or wedding is going to be a clusterfuck. Two very nice ladies that are friends of his mother are co-hosting a shower for us, along with his aunt, and his mother has been far too involved for my liking. To the point that she has invited all of their "old neighborhood" neighbors that saw FI grow up, all of the groomsmen's parents, the adult children (w/ spouses) of some friends of FI's parents....none of which are invited to the wedding. None. I have preached and preached and preached. Begged. Pleaded. He just gets angry and says to just let his mom's friends (who ARE invited) plan what they want, and that his parents want those friends there. I'm cringing already. Declining the shower is not an option. That would be perceived as more of an insult to these people than having the non-invited "friends" at the shower. 

I've also had to convince my own mother to abandon certain ideas like B-lists, "uninviting" people who received a Save the Date, demanding that all BMs have their hair & makeup done a specific way, etc. She has the attitude of "well, this is situation is different." Thankfully I've been able to shoo her away from all of these bad ideas so far. 

afox007

laurynm84 said:

Lolo8383 said:

Man, I would think it was rude enough to have to use my own stamp to mail back an RSVP, let alone go out and buy the postcard! 

And I'm SO OVER the whole multiple baby showers thing. So many of my friends say shit like "well it's just not fair that Baby 1 was honored with a shower, and Baby 2 gets jack diddly. Don't we love Baby 2 enough for little precious to get its own shower?" NO because the shower isn't meant to honor the BABY, it's meant to honor the person becoming a parent for the first time, which happens precisely ONCE. Doesn't matter how far apart your kids are, or whether you're having a different gender. You are already a parent. If someone thinks it's just so unfair and wants to bring you a present, they will. You don't get another shower!

It's not rude to not include RSVP cards. It actually used to be gauche to do so, because everyone had their own stationary and knew how to respond to an invitation.  Nowadays, it's just easier for the couple to include them, because people wouldn't RSVP otherwise.

If you don't wanna include an RSVP card fine. i have plenty of stationary laying around, but don't expect me to go out of my way to buy a postcard so you can have a cute little scrap book.

SewInLoveWithDMB

thisismynickname said:

I think the first one is a cute and thoughtful idea.  I totally get what everyone is saying that you have to buy your own postcard to reply, and it's the cost to the guest that makes it rude.  I get it, I do!

But.

Don't we, as brides, provide RSVP cards with SASEs these days because having one's own stationary is a personal etiquette thing that's fallen by the wayside?  Is sending a post card of where you live totally different from using your own embossed, personalized stationary (that costs a lot anyway) to RSVP?  

And you're going to buy a greeting card to bring to the wedding anyway....?

Look, I'm not going to run out and steal this idea, but heck, if I was asked to do it, I would without batting an eye. It's way better than some traditional guestbook you'll never read again.  

I agree - I actually get excited when a couple doesn't include an rsvp card cause it means that they know that I know how to properly respond.

Asking to get a post card from my location? Eh, it's a bit more of a request than using my own stationery, but it's not a biggie.

The other scenarios are far more annoying, however!

grumbledore

thisismynickname said:

I think the first one is a cute and thoughtful idea.  I totally get what everyone is saying that you have to buy your own postcard to reply, and it's the cost to the guest that makes it rude.  I get it, I do!

But.

Don't we, as brides, provide RSVP cards with SASEs these days because having one's own stationary is a personal etiquette thing that's fallen by the wayside?  Is sending a post card of where you live totally different from using your own embossed, personalized stationary (that costs a lot anyway) to RSVP?  

And you're going to buy a greeting card to bring to the wedding anyway....?

Look, I'm not going to run out and steal this idea, but heck, if I was asked to do it, I would without batting an eye. It's way better than some traditional guestbook you'll never read again.  

Right, but you can't tell the guest what kind of stationery to purchase.  That's insanely rude.

MayDay513

I feel your pain. My SILs think just because they've been to a shower once where something happened it, makes it ok. I'm like, "nope, nope, nope".

These somethings include: Throwing your own shower, demanding money, honeyfund blah blah blah.

JCbride2015

Oh, me too.  It's interesting though: so many people who can't put their finger on what exactly is wrong, know that something is off when etiquette is broken.  For example, upcoming family wedding features: invites over capacity, B list, HM fund, bride throwing her own destination bach, bride pushing groom's friends to take him to Vegas, request for cash gifts on the website, and some other horrors I'm probably forgetting.  

FSIL, fresh out of college with no special etiquette knowledge, called me up and said, "This stuff is just really weird and I don't know how to feel about it.  Bride really shouldn't be involved with the bach, but now she wants this destination thing, and I was excited to plan something for her at home, and now what do I do?"

You don't have to be etiquette police to recognize rude when you see it!

RedJacks25

Yep, we had this argument this weekend -- that just because internet strangers make up rules doesn't mean everyone needs to follow them.

This was in response to me saying it was rude for his friend to have a small ceremony and then invite everyone she knows out to dinner at a restaurant where we will pay for ourselves (we're not invited to the ceremony).

ETA: Forgot to add that we will be given a limited menu at the restaurant where we must then pay for our own meal. For crap's sake, if you're making is pay then at least give us the option to choose whatever we want!

grumbledore

RedJacks25 said:

Yep, we had this argument this weekend -- that just because internet strangers make up rules doesn't mean everyone needs to follow them. This was in response to me saying it was rude for his friend to have a small ceremony and then invite everyone she knows out to dinner at a restaurant where we will pay for ourselves (we're not invited to the ceremony).

The thing is, it's not "made up by internet strangers" - it's just information that is available from MANY sources that we happen to share here.

RedJacks25

grumbledore said:

RedJacks25 said:

Yep, we had this argument this weekend -- that just because internet strangers make up rules doesn't mean everyone needs to follow them. This was in response to me saying it was rude for his friend to have a small ceremony and then invite everyone she knows out to dinner at a restaurant where we will pay for ourselves (we're not invited to the ceremony).

The thing is, it's not "made up by internet strangers" - it's just information that is available from MANY sources that we happen to share here.

Oh, I know that. He doesn't. That was his argument.