MOH - Sister or Friend = Event Planner v. Oldest Childhood Friend

mim29

Help!!! I really feel like my sister is more of a "wedding planner" than someone I want as my Maid of Honor. I'm feeling really conflicted in that sense. She's convenient geographically and skill set wise. There's just something in me that doesn't see her as the MoH. I don't quite know how to explain it, other than that she can be manipulative and discouraging if it isn't something she would want... She also plays devil's advocate and sometimes undermines if it means she can be in my mother's good graces. Something just doesn't feel right when I picture choosing her. I would ask my oldest friend, but she is moving to NY and we live in MD. She might not be as reliable when it comes to helping plan events, meetings, etc. in detail... but she is very supportive and kind. I feel at ease with her. I don't want my sister (or mom) to be offended if my sister ends up being the main PLANNING support system instead, I also don't want my sister to back off with helping plan if she isn't chosen. Am I being ungrateful or making the wrong choice if I choose my friend over my sister and, do you think it will backfire? Could I ask "Will You Be My Wedding Planner?" to my sister, or is that kind of rude? Soooo conflicted right now!!

manateehugger

MadeleineFoster said:

Help!!! I really feel like my sister is more of a "wedding planner" than someone I want as my Maid of Honor. I'm feeling really conflicted in that sense. She's convenient geographically and skill set wise. There's just something in me that doesn't see her as the MoH. I don't quite know how to explain it, other than that she can be manipulative and discouraging if it isn't something she would want... She also plays devil's advocate and sometimes undermines if it means she can be in my mother's good graces. Something just doesn't feel right when I picture choosing her. I would ask my oldest friend, but she is moving to NY and we live in MD. She might not be as reliable when it comes to helping plan events, meetings, etc. in detail... but she is very supportive and kind. I feel at ease with her. I don't want my sister (or mom) to be offended if my sister ends up being the main PLANNING support system instead, I also don't want my sister to back off with helping plan if she isn't chosen. Am I being ungrateful or making the wrong choice if I choose my friend over my sister and, do you think it will backfire? Could I ask "Will You Be My Wedding Planner?" to my sister, or is that kind of rude? Soooo conflicted right now!!

Ok, back up here. First of all, it is not your MOH's job to help you plan anything. That's your FI's job. All your MOH has to do is order the appropriate dress and show up on time dressed and groomed. No other jobs, no other planning responsibilities. So keep that in mind.

You should not be picking your MOH the way you would pick a personal assistant. That's not their job. You chose a MOH based upon the person you want standing next to you as you get married. That sounds like your friend, not your sister.

ETA: I have two big sisters, one of which is the ultimate planner, and three very close friends. I just went with no MOH because I didn't want to pick among them. It's not a big deal. I would NOT ask your sister to be your wedding planner formally, that's insulting. If you want to casually say, "I'm planning on looking at venues soon, I'd love your guidance if you're feeling up for it," I think that's fine. But in my family's dynamic, asking a sister to be "my wedding planner" would be a slap in the face.

[Deleted User]

Pick your bridal party by who you would trust if you needed to bury a body at 3am.  Your sister can still help you plan your wedding if she wants to, but if she has such different taste than you, you might not want that.

My sister had no attendants, but I got in trouble with her for not showing enough interest in her wedding planning.  Thing is, I didn't care about her wedding planning.  I'm just not that girl.  She has girlfriends with similar taste to her.  Once we got settled that it wasn't that I disapproved of her wedding or whatever shit she thought was my problem, she kept me out of the planning and we were both happier.

AddieCake

You pick the one who is uglier than you so she won't upstage you on your special day.

HisGirlFriday13

The only people who are required to plan your wedding are you and your FI. Anyone else needs to be paid for those services. 

delujm0

how many times can we answer a question like this before newbies bother to just DO A SEARCH FOR SIMILAR THREADS?

 

Your MOH has zero planning responsibilities.  It doesn't matter if she's "long distance."  You pick whoever you want to be standing next to you.  Done and done.  This is not complicated.

 

If you need someone to help you plan your wedding, and your FI isn't going to be that person, hire a professional planner.  My FI is just as into the planning as I am (which is admittedly not that much), so we hired a planner, and it's the best money we ever spent.

HisGirlFriday13

delujm0 said:

how many times can we answer a question like this before newbies bother to just DO A SEARCH FOR SIMILAR THREADS?

 

Your MOH has zero planning responsibilities.  It doesn't matter if she's "long distance."  You pick whoever you want to be standing next to you.  Done and done.  This is not complicated.

 

If you need someone to help you plan your wedding, and your FI isn't going to be that person, hire a professional planner.  My FI is just as into the planning as I am (which is admittedly not that much), so we hired a planner, and it's the best money we ever spent.

The answer is eleventy-bazillion because NO ONE EVER USES THE EFFING SEARCH FEATURE.

ei34

PPs have covered it, but just to reiterate: your MOH should be the person you're closest to.  If it's a stress-causing decision, you can also just not have one.  Under no circumstance should you expect your MOH or any member of your bridal party to help you plan anything.  That's an important thing to nail down now, otherwise you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  You have your FI, and of course, you can hire professionals (a wedding planner, DOC, etc.) if you feel you need extra help.

climbingsingle

Oh for God's sake. 

Maggie0829

I think we should rename MOH from 'Maid of Honor' to 'Must Offer Help' because apparently brides today only think that their MOH is their free laborer who should be the best planner they know rather then their nearest and dearest.

princessleia22

Yeah, it sounds like you should have friend as MOH.  Another option would be to have 2 MOH's.  I didn't want to choose between my sister and sister-in-law/best friend, so I chose both as MOH.  We all live in different states and wedding is in another state entirely, so I figured it may be nice to have two of them that can help coordinate showers/bachelorette party if they choose to host them, which is optional.  As far as helping planning, they have both sent me suggestions on pinterest or we've had a couple discussions, but I've really done all the planning myself. 

grumbledore

For the love of fuck.

vsgal

It is not that they don't use the search feature.  They think their situation is different because they are special.

mim29

My apologies for having offended/upset so many of you!!! I have been to a total of 1 wedding, and have been a bridesmaid in a total of 0. Having watched my brother's fiancée and her bridal party, it seemed like there was a LOT of planning help that came from her MOH - graciously offered I'm sure, as my sister has done (not by request, only by offered support). I'm in no way saying he MOH would be OBLIGATED. My sister has just been very helpful thus far in terms of that kind of support, so I didn't want to offend/upset her in any way. I completely understand what all of you are saying but really, was it necessary to jump all over my back for asking? I think it's ridiculously rude to be judged or attacked by people who have no idea who I am. There are a million and one ways that this could have been answered with more etiquette and pleasant demeanor. 2. I don't think I'm special in the least; a bride is a bride is a bride. I did search, and couldn't seem to find what I saw was "match" to my question/situation. I will now ask that no one respond to this post any further, as it has been both insulting and aggressive beyond measure. Your opinions have been noted however, and I appreciate the... honesty. 

manateehugger

MadeleineFoster said: My apologies for having offended/upset so many of you!!! I have been to a total of 1 wedding, and have been a bridesmaid in a total of 0. Having watched my brother's fiancée and her bridal party, it seemed like there was a LOT of planning help that came from her MOH - graciously offered I'm sure, as my sister has done (not by request, only by offered support). I'm in no way saying he MOH would be OBLIGATED. My sister has just been very helpful thus far in terms of that kind of support, so I didn't want to offend/upset her in any way. I completely understand what all of you are saying but really, was it necessary to jump all over my back for asking? I think it's ridiculously rude to be judged or attacked by people who have no idea who I am. There are a million and one ways that this could have been answered with more etiquette and pleasant demeanor. 2. I don't think I'm special in the least; a bride is a bride is a bride. I did search, and couldn't seem to find what I saw was "match" to my question/situation. I will now ask that no one respond to this post any further, as it has been both insulting and aggressive beyond measure. Your opinions have been noted however, and I appreciate the... honesty. 




_____________________________________________________________ No, we don't know you, so we can only post based of what you posted - which makes it sound like you wanted a MOH who would be your wedding planner. And this topic (who to pick, MOH duties, planner vs. closer friend) comes up A LOT, so people get a little jaded and blunt in their responses. Basically, people post all the time asking about MOH duties...to which the response always is that there aren't really any in existence. 

I say either make them both MOH, neither MOH, or examine your family dynamic and see if it wouldn't be a big deal to ask your friend. 

mim29

I apologize for the confusion. I can see how the post could be misconstrued. Thank you for your input. In hindsight my sister has provided feedback in earlier conversations that says to me/alludes to "a bride is not obligated to do anything she doesn't want to do." As the "newbie" on this thread I can tell you that those "jaded" brides might want to consider the fact that not everyone is as "vetted". There's no point in biting someone's head off for the sake of proving an opinion. It's arrogant and misleading, especially if the "newbie" is supposed to trust the advice.

MyNameIsNot

MadeleineFoster said:

I apologize for the confusion. I can see how the post could be misconstrued. Thank you for your input. In hindsight my sister has provided feedback in earlier conversations that says to me/alludes to "a bride is not obligated to do anything she doesn't want to do." As the "newbie" on this thread I can tell you that those "jaded" brides might want to consider the fact that not everyone is as "vetted". There's no point in biting someone's head off for the sake of proving an opinion. It's arrogant and misleading, especially if the "newbie" is supposed to trust the advice.

No, not everyone is jaded, but everyone is able and encouraged to read through the board before posting a question.

If you'd taken 10 minutes to do a little reading before posting, you could have had your question answered by one of the thousand other posts on this topic.  If you can't be bothered to do some background, don't be surprised that the posters responding can't be bothered to sugar coat things for you.  

zitiqueen

MadeleineFoster said:

I apologize for the confusion. I can see how the post could be misconstrued. Thank you for your input. In hindsight my sister has provided feedback in earlier conversations that says to me/alludes to "a bride is not obligated to do anything she doesn't want to do." As the "newbie" on this thread I can tell you that those "jaded" brides might want to consider the fact that not everyone is as "vetted". There's no point in biting someone's head off for the sake of proving an opinion. It's arrogant and misleading, especially if the "newbie" is supposed to trust the advice.

What was your opinion of the FAQ!!! New Here? Read this first!! thread that's pinned to the top of the Wedding Party board? Did you find the information in it to be helpful?

mim29

I'm not asking for things to be "sugar coated" but a more respectful response would have been far more appropriate. The fact that they bothered to post something so nasty tells me they really just have nothing better to do. If you don't care or simply just don't like it, don't respond. I DID look at the thousands of "who should I make my MOH?" -- (not just on this site). What I found didn't address the more specific/identical issue of having a sister who was so eager to help until she wasn't given that role. Seriously, find something better to do with your time and if you aren't going to be nice or helpful? Keep it to yourself and keep planning your own weddings; don't waste your time on me if it's not helpful.  Nobody likes an unjustified bitch rant

I will not be answering further posts on this site unless I've deemed them worthwhile.

zitiqueen

MadeleineFoster said:

I'm not asking for things to be "sugar coated" but a more respectful response would have been far more appropriate. The fact that they bothered to post something so nasty tells me they really just have nothing better to do. If you don't care or simply just don't like it, don't respond. I DID look at the thousands of "who should I make my MOH?" -- (not just on this site). What I found didn't address the more specific/identical issue of having a sister who was so eager to help until she wasn't given that role. Seriously, find something better to do with your time and if you aren't going to be nice or helpful? Keep it to yourself and keep planning your own weddings; don't waste your time on me if it's not helpful.  Nobody likes an unjustified bitch rant

I will not be answering further posts on this site unless I've deemed them worthwhile.

LOL

AddieCake

Yes, Ma'am. eye roll

manateehugger

MadeleineFoster said:

I'm not asking for things to be "sugar coated" but a more respectful response would have been far more appropriate. The fact that they bothered to post something so nasty tells me they really just have nothing better to do. If you don't care or simply just don't like it, don't respond. I DID look at the thousands of "who should I make my MOH?" -- (not just on this site). What I found didn't address the more specific/identical issue of having a sister who was so eager to help until she wasn't given that role. Seriously, find something better to do with your time and if you aren't going to be nice or helpful? Keep it to yourself and keep planning your own weddings; don't waste your time on me if it's not helpful.  Nobody likes an unjustified bitch rant

I will not be answering further posts on this site unless I've deemed them worthwhile.

Oh man, come on!!! I even tried playing the nice card with you. Point is, there are thousands of posts on here stating that the MOH has no special role except she stands closet to the bride, so the planning/helping part of your question is irrelevant. THAT'S what people are trying to get at.

mim29

I'm not blind, I read the posts and that part was made evident. PDKH you were actually the only person who posted something relatively "nice". Like I said, it's the age-old rule "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it all." I'm not going to blast anyone because I don't agree, nor would I post something for the sake of boredom and random outburst.

AddieCake

Awwww, P! You're the nice one now. I proudly pass you the torch.

zitiqueen

MadeleineFoster said:

I'm not blind, I read the posts and that part was made evident. PDKH you were actually the only person who posted something relatively "nice". Like I said, it's the age-old rule "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it all." I'm not going to blast anyone because I don't agree, nor would I post something for the sake of boredom and random outburst.

You never did respond to my post.

jonesjly07

I am new to this site as well and am appalled by the rudeness of the responses to your initial post. If people do not want to answer questions or give advice to "newbies" then they should not read the post in the first place! I will remember this as I plan my wedding and remember to never use this as an outlet for questions because of the rude people and their comments.

Viczaesar

jonesjly07 said:

I am new to this site as well and am appalled by the rudeness of the responses to your initial post. If people do not want to answer questions or give advice to "newbies" then they should not read the post in the first place! I will remember this as I plan my wedding and remember to never use this as an outlet for questions because of the rude people and their comments.

If you do not want to get advice in whatever way the advice giver decides to deliver said advice, don't ask for it in the first place.

NYCMercedes

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it all." Was this on bingo card one or bingo card two?

manateehugger

AddieCake said:

Awwww, P! You're the nice one now. I proudly pass you the torch.

What do I win?!?! Is it a puppy?! Or a lifetime supply of cake!?

Emmy1493

MadeleineFoster said:

My apologies for having offended/upset so many of you!!! I have been to a total of 1 wedding, and have been a bridesmaid in a total of 0. Having watched my brother's fiancée and her bridal party, it seemed like there was a LOT of planning help that came from her MOH - graciously offered I'm sure, as my sister has done (not by request, only by offered support). I'm in no way saying he MOH would be OBLIGATED. My sister has just been very helpful thus far in terms of that kind of support, so I didn't want to offend/upset her in any way. I completely understand what all of you are saying but really, was it necessary to jump all over my back for asking? I think it's ridiculously rude to be judged or attacked by people who have no idea who I am. There are a million and one ways that this could have been answered with more etiquette and pleasant demeanor. 2. I don't think I'm special in the least; a bride is a bride is a bride. I did search, and couldn't seem to find what I saw was "match" to my question/situation. I will now ask that no one respond to this post any further, as it has been both insulting and aggressive beyond measure. Your opinions have been noted however, and I appreciate the... honesty. 

OP, I am sorry you feel that way, but we PP's were not attacking. They are "Responding." Attacking would be more on the lines of this.....

theartistformerlyknownas

MadeleineFoster said:

I'm not asking for things to be "sugar coated" but a more respectful response would have been far more appropriate. The fact that they bothered to post something so nasty tells me they really just have nothing better to do. If you don't care or simply just don't like it, don't respond. I DID look at the thousands of "who should I make my MOH?" -- (not just on this site). What I found didn't address the more specific/identical issue of having a sister who was so eager to help until she wasn't given that role. Seriously, find something better to do with your time and if you aren't going to be nice or helpful? Keep it to yourself and keep planning your own weddings; don't waste your time on me if it's not helpful.  Nobody likes an unjustified bitch rant

I will not be answering further posts on this site unless I've deemed them worthwhile.