Getting the Side Eye from Friends on Reception

olviabean_23570442

Hi all.

My FI and myself are paying for our wedding entirely. We're inviting around 75 or so people to attend our cake/punch reception.  The ceremony is starting at 2:00, should be over by 2:30 and guests walk a block to our reception venue.  Our menu is finger sandwiches, a fruit and vegetable tray, cake, punch and other sweet treats.  We might add something like meatballs or another kind of meat.  We are also not providing any alcohol as to not upset our families who oppose to any kind of drinking.

Members of our bridal party have been giving FI and myself crap for not providing a meal or alcohol and want to sneak in their own drinks.  To the few friends we've mentioned that we're going down the dry wedding cake/punch reception, they have expressed to us how they may not have as much fun since we aren't providing full meal and alcohol.

FI and I think we're being good hosts.  We're not mentioning any other details to friends except for including the cake/punch line on invitations so everyone knows to not expect a full meal.  Are cake/punch receptions unheard of?  Is having a dry wedding that big of a deal?

slothiegal

I think it's incredibly rude that your friends are giving you a hard time, particularly about the alcohol situation, and even went so far as to suggest they would sneak in drinks.  That's very disrespectful.  Dry weddings aren't uncommon at all, especially since it's an afternoon affair.  

You and your FI are doing everything right.  If your friends think they can't have fun, they can decline and miss out on yummy finger sandwiches, CAKE, and celebrating their friends.

olviabean_23570442

Thank you, both!  All of these friends who have said something to us had the big sit-down dinner, open bar receptions at their weddings so for them, having a simple reception and no alcohol is putting a damper on the wedding fun.  I personally don't think it has to be that way.  I think they just want someone to pay for their drinks. 

Thanks for settling my worries! 

MandyMost

If given the choice I would choose to attend a party with a full meal and an open bar over a party with just cake and punch and no booze. If given the choice I would also spend a week at a luxury spa in the Caribbean over a long weekend in a cottage in New Hampshire. 

Doesn't mean I wouldn't still have a blast! 

olviabean_23570442

Thanks everyone.  This makes me feel better.   It's going to wrap up after 5:00 and chances are that I may be walking down the street in my dress to get a glass of wine somewhere! So, if they want to come with us to the wine bar to unwind that's fine by me.

lyndausvi

 It sounds like you are hosting them properly and your friends are being rude.

BMoreBride6

There is nothing wrong with your plans. Your friends are being rude. I also don't think there is anything wrong with saying "after the reception we are going to ___ bar if you'd like to join!"

daria24

Your plan sounds perfectly lovely and etiquette-approved. Your friends are wrong.

[Deleted User]

You're not doing anything wrong at all.  Not having reception at mealtime?  Check.  Yummy sounding food? Check. Ending the reception in time for guests to have their evenings free.  Check.  No one says you have to serve beer and wine.

KatieinBkln

Blame the wedding-industrial complex. It has brides and guests alike thinking that ALL weddings have to cost tens of thousands of dollars and include fancy full dinners and open bars. They don't.

Your friends need a reality check and an etiquette check. Complaining about the nature of a party you're invited to is mad tacky.

simcal18

How incredibly tacky of your friends.  Your reception sounds lovely and well-hosted.  Don't let anyone convince you that your cake-and-punch reception is any less meaningful than a dinnertime open-bar blowout.  There are LOTS of wonderful ways to celebrate a wedding.

olviabean_23570442

Thank you everyone!  I have to agree with a poster who mentioned that the wedding industry is responsible for couples in thinking they have to have these blow out receptions.

This has made me feel immensely better about our reception plans which are exactly what FI and I want.

southernbelle0915

They're sneaking alcohol into a 2:30pm reception? Wow....

You're following etiquette and there's nothing wrong with it - it sounds lovely and like you're executing the non-meal time reception like a badass. Good for you!

lyndausvi

KatieinBkln said:

Blame the wedding-industrial complex. It has brides and guests alike thinking that ALL weddings have to cost tens of thousands of dollars and include fancy full dinners and open bars. They don't.

Your friends need a reality check and an etiquette check. Complaining about the nature of a party you're invited to is mad tacky.

Okay, that is not always the case. My family has ALWAYS had large full meals and alcohol flowing at weddings regardless of the time of day. I've never attended a wedding that didn't have those things and I'm old and have been going to weddings since I was 6 or 7. Even my grandparents did back in 1930. My extended family is not even rich, but that is how they host ALL events. 

 So, I will admit in my family they would be a little... IDK?... miffed if there was not a full meal and alcohol. It would be like not have turkey at Thanksgiving. It's all that has ever been done, so it's all they know. 

That all said, we were brought up with manners. No one would ever be as rude as the friends of the OP. We would be gracious guests and would still have a good time. More than likely they would hit up a bar afterwards.

JoanE2012

Your friends are rude jerks. What you're hosting sounds perfect!

AddieCake

Your friends are being assholes.

KatieinBkln

lyndausvi said:

KatieinBkln said:

Blame the wedding-industrial complex. It has brides and guests alike thinking that ALL weddings have to cost tens of thousands of dollars and include fancy full dinners and open bars. They don't.

Your friends need a reality check and an etiquette check. Complaining about the nature of a party you're invited to is mad tacky.

Okay, that is not always the case. My family has ALWAYS had large full meals and alcohol flowing at weddings regardless of the time of day. I've never attended a wedding that didn't have those things and I'm old and have been going to weddings since I was 6 or 7. Even my grandparents did back in 1930. My extended family is not even rich, but that is how they host ALL events. 

 So, I will admit in my family they would be a little... IDK?... miffed if there was not a full meal and alcohol. It would be like not have turkey at Thanksgiving. It's all that has ever been done, so it's all they know. 

That all said, we were brought up with manners. No one would ever be as rude as the friends of the OP. We would be gracious guests and would still have a good time. More than likely they would hit up a bar afterwards.

Your family sounds fancy and fun! But I still think that expectation is far from what was once "the norm," at least countrywide in the US. I'm sure lots of families did the blowout (especially wealthy ones, but of course some like yours who just like to do things up), but from what I've read about traditions of yore, there were a hell of a lot more "punch in the church basement" receptions not so long ago, and no one thought they were odd.

JCbride2015

Your wedding sounds lovely.  Have fun!

MNVegas

Your friends are being quite rude. They are not being supportive friends. If they keep giving your crap then tell them they don't have to attend if the reception is not up to their standards. Personally I would not want "friends" like that with me on my wedding day.

annathy03

Your friends are being crazy rude.  Your plans sound great, although I'd make sure to have a non-sugary drink in addition to the punch (even if it's just water).

Jen4948

Your friends are rude and acting entitled, especially if they're planning to sneak in alcohol.  I think your plans sound fine.

bunnyprincess2014

Your friends are totally in the wrong and you should not feel the least bit bad about your lovely sounding wedding plans.

aurianna

Assuming you have chairs for everyone despite there not being a sit down meal, you are golden.

Though... I gotta be a bad guy and ask:
Is your wedding on a weekday and/or at a location that a lot of guests (especially the many complainers) will need to travel more than an hour by car? If so, as bad as it sounds, I understand a guest being disappointed in taking off work and/or spending time/money to travel to a wedding and not even get a meal (I know the true purpose of going to a wedding is sharing a special time with people you care about... but it's a side effect).

Even if that is the case, this is NO excuse for your friend's behavior. Your wedding sounds perfectly nice and completely polite.
But perhaps that would shed some light, at least, on why they are being so nasty.

I'm really sorry they are taking your joy away over this. It's not nice of them at all. The day you planned sounds nice, and while I enjoy night time party weddings, I also enjoy pleasant daytime weddings that give me my evening to do whatever I want.

I

jacques27

I just wanted to add in to help you feel better - I think your wedding sounds lovely and if I were your friend I would be more than happy to attend.  Your "friends" are being jerks.

I may be in the minority, but I look at shows like Four Weddings and some of the weddings I've attended in the last couple years and the standard full meal full of standard banquet hall food with a bunch of strangers (depending on your relationship to the bride and groom), everyone getting drunk, loud DJ with partying into night just gets boring and seems unappealing to me after awhile. 

olviabean_23570442

aurianna said:

Assuming you have chairs for everyone despite there not being a sit down meal, you are golden.

Though... I gotta be a bad guy and ask:
Is your wedding on a weekday and/or at a location that a lot of guests (especially the many complainers) will need to travel more than an hour by car? If so, as bad as it sounds, I understand a guest being disappointed in taking off work and/or spending time/money to travel to a wedding and not even get a meal (I know the true purpose of going to a wedding is sharing a special time with people you care about... but it's a side effect).

Even if that is the case, this is NO excuse for your friend's behavior. Your wedding sounds perfectly nice and completely polite.
But perhaps that would shed some light, at least, on why they are being so nasty.

I'm really sorry they are taking your joy away over this. It's not nice of them at all. The day you planned sounds nice, and while I enjoy night time party weddings, I also enjoy pleasant daytime weddings that give me my evening to do whatever I want.

I

Definitely got the chairs covered for the reception.  

Not being a bad guy at all!  Our wedding is in June 2015 on a Saturday.  For our guests, most will have less than an hour and half drive in, maybe two hours depending if those guests RSVP.  All of our wedding party is local and won't have more than a 20 minute drive in.  The main reasons behind a cake/punch reception is that are very simple people who are happy as clams to have cake, punch and maybe a sandwich.  While we both enjoy a great cocktail, we may drink once a week or every two weeks with friends.  When looking at our wants/budget, we realized a cake/punch reception sounds awesome and by not having any alcohol, no one is getting the lecture from either side's family.  We both come from religious families so it's important to us to not be disrespectful to them.

Thank you very much for your responses. I agree our friends are being rude when they give us crap about "what are we taking shots of? Lemonade?!"   I think since they all had big blow out receptions that they feel it's the norm.  They all also drink every weekend, and probably were looking forward to free wine and beer, honestly.

lyndausvi

KatieinBkln said:

lyndausvi said:

KatieinBkln said:

Blame the wedding-industrial complex. It has brides and guests alike thinking that ALL weddings have to cost tens of thousands of dollars and include fancy full dinners and open bars. They don't.

Your friends need a reality check and an etiquette check. Complaining about the nature of a party you're invited to is mad tacky.

Okay, that is not always the case. My family has ALWAYS had large full meals and alcohol flowing at weddings regardless of the time of day. I've never attended a wedding that didn't have those things and I'm old and have been going to weddings since I was 6 or 7. Even my grandparents did back in 1930. My extended family is not even rich, but that is how they host ALL events. 

 So, I will admit in my family they would be a little... IDK?... miffed if there was not a full meal and alcohol. It would be like not have turkey at Thanksgiving. It's all that has ever been done, so it's all they know. 

That all said, we were brought up with manners. No one would ever be as rude as the friends of the OP. We would be gracious guests and would still have a good time. More than likely they would hit up a bar afterwards.

Your family sounds fancy and fun! But I still think that expectation is far from what was once "the norm," at least countrywide in the US. I'm sure lots of families did the blowout (especially wealthy ones, but of course some like yours who just like to do things up), but from what I've read about traditions of yore, there were a hell of a lot more "punch in the church basement" receptions not so long ago, and no one thought they were odd.

I get irrationally annoyed when people blame the wedding industry on something my economically poor family has been doing forever.     Our family weddings were mostly held in church basements or VFW halls.  They had kegs, random cheap booze and were catered by a small family type-businesses.  Money was not put into big CPs or fancy dresses or all the other stuff people seem to needs these days.   They were not "fancy" at all. 

Having moved around the world my family's way of celebrating hardly unusual. We all come from different cultures and traditions. I don't like it when others say their way is tradition countrywide either.  

OP - back to you.  Your friends are jerks.  As I said before my family might be surprised at a C&P receptions simply because it would be so unusual for our circle, but we were brought up with  manners, Your friends are being mean and hurtful.  Rest assure you seemed to be hosting your guests prfectly for the time of day.   

aurianna

Well that cements it then. Your friends are being insensitive and disrespectful. You are hosting your guests with a nice event and it is so rude to tell the hostess of an event that it isn't good enough.

They could just be kidding around and not realizing how bad they are being. If you feel up to it, if it happens again you could say something like, "Friend, I know you don't mean to, but this kind of talk hurts my feelings. This is the wedding day FI and I can afford and that we want to have. We've done our research and know this is a completely appropriate way to host a 2pm wedding, so it hurts when you say things that make me feel like we are lacking in how we plan to treat our guests. I do not expect you to be as excited about our wedding as my FI and I are, but I'd appreciate if you stopped ripping on it. Thanks. Oh, hey, btw, I found the most awesome bean dip recipe!"

But it's up to you on if that would cause a confrontation you're prepared to handle.

CMGragain

"I am so sorry you don't like my wedding reception plans.  We will miss you on our special day."

scrunchythief

What your friends are saying is ridiculous, especially about the alcohol.  I have heard of some pastors in certain faith traditions who will refuse to perform a wedding if there will be alcohol served at the reception.  Sandwiches, fruit and veggies, stuff to drink and multiple kinds of dessert?  Sounds awesome (and actually a lot like my friend's wedding last October, though they had wine and home-brewed beer.  It was a great time.)

Only because you mentioned to us wanting to add more food, one suggestion I have is to have pasta salad.  It's inexpensive, easy to make ahead of time (if you want to) and doesn't require the extra equipment and set up that hot foods do (chafing racks, dishes, sterno cans).  Or perhaps a meat and cheese tray?  

zitiqueen

olviabean said:

Hi all.

My FI and myself are paying for our wedding entirely. We're inviting around 75 or so people to attend our cake/punch reception.  The ceremony is starting at 2:00, should be over by 2:30 and guests walk a block to our reception venue.  Our menu is finger sandwiches, a fruit and vegetable tray, cake, punch and other sweet treats.  We might add something like meatballs or another kind of meat.  We are also not providing any alcohol as to not upset our families who oppose to any kind of drinking.

Members of our bridal party have been giving FI and myself crap for not providing a meal or alcohol and want to sneak in their own drinks.  To the few friends we've mentioned that we're going down the dry wedding cake/punch reception, they have expressed to us how they may not have as much fun since we aren't providing full meal and alcohol.

FI and I think we're being good hosts.  We're not mentioning any other details to friends except for including the cake/punch line on invitations so everyone knows to not expect a full meal.  Are cake/punch receptions unheard of?  Is having a dry wedding that big of a deal?

Can you expand on that bolded sentence? You specify that 75 are invited to the reception; how many are invited to the ceremony?

STARMOON44

I mean, I agree, open bar and dinner would be more fun. But you don't owe your guests maximal fun, you owe them hosting appropriate for the time of day they are there!