Different Size Families - Guest List of Horrors

annathy03

steph11814 said:

I would suggest splitting the guest list four ways. One quarter for each set of parents, and one quarter each for you and your FI. It doesn't have to be a quarter each, but either way I suggest giving the parents a set number to fill that doesn't add up to 100% of the guest list. Just make sure that each set of parents gets the same number of guests, and you get the same number as your FI. You should be able to keep some spaces available for your and your FI's friends. If you want to use some of your spaces for additional family members, that should be your call, and your call only.

Since it sounds like you and your FI are also contributing to the wedding costs, you should absolutely get a say in the guest list. It's not fair for the parents to have complete control over the guest list when they're not the only ones paying.

Wedding planning is full of hard decisions. If parents have contributed money and want to be involved in the planning process, they have to be willing to make hard decisions too. That includes limiting their guest lists, within reason.

Since your FI and FILs seem so set on numerical fairness, I'd see if this works.  Split 4 ways you'd each get 60 invites (I'd leave the other 10 for singles who start dating someone- you don't need to extend an "and guest" to singles, but if they start dating someone before invites go out their gf/bf needs to be included).

If FI is willing to include your mutual friends (and maybe even some of your friends he knows) in his 60 so you can put your family that exceeds your parents list in your 60 without cutting out all your friends, that may help you with space.

Failing that, my advice would be to change venues and do an afternoon cake and punch reception.  They're a lot cheaper, and would probably allow you to invite everyone you'd like.  It's one thing to invite FILs mailman, it's another thing to invite FILs mailman over my close friend- sorry you're dealing with this.

MuppetOverlord

Ok, I'll take a different stab at this. I don't necessarily think it has to be 50/50, but I also don't think it's unreasonable for him to want a numer of invitations that he can allocate to people as he wishes, that aren't necessarily as close as you are to some of your guests. I'd suggest some exercises for the two of you to each get say 65-75 people that you can't live without at the wedding and then work to compromise from there, either by allotting some to parents or to each other. My husband and I ended up having a budget for around 60 guests (when you take out the ones who had already declined) so 30 a piece. I couldn't get my list below 40. 10 of those were a group (all or nothing). I waited for my husband, and 10 of his people were fillers who were people he was acquaintances with at work or family he doesn't interact with. I wanted those slots, he didn't want to give them to me and I accepted that because I think it was fair to divide it with so few guests.

ambercge

In FI's defense, his mother is sick. She has MS and we honestly have no idea how long she's going to be with us. That's a HUGE reason he doesn't want to butt heads with her and tries to make her happy in whatever way possible. She has ONE son (two step-sons, but only him as a biological son) and he hates upsetting her just as much as he hates upsetting me.

steph861

ambercge said:

mimivac said:

I don't think your FMIL is being at all fair. 50/50 does not work in this situation and applying this as "logic" results in strange outcomes, ie. someone no one has ever met is prioritized over a long-time friend or family member. How is that logical? You can't just apply a principle without thinking about the spirit of it. Your FMIL gets everyone she wants without the extra "and guests" anyway, so why insist on filling a spot with strangers? Just to get her money's worth?

I would totally understand (and think it's fair)  if she wants to contribute less to the wedding because their side has fewer guests. This is the way I would go, but you are probably too far along in the process for this.

I've told her numerous times that she will NOT be expected to pay for my guests. My parents money will go towards their guests and hers will be prioritized elsewhere (like on the DJ she's demanding I get, or the wedding cake she just NEEDS me to have so she can have a picture of us cutting it - neither of which we planned on having during our original meetings where we were doing a backyard "fun time" wedding with milk and cookie bar and ipod playlists)

Obviously the whole thing has been taken out of my hands at this point.

There's a difference between giving parents input, and giving parents control. It sounds like you prefer the former, while your FI prefers the latter. Initially, they each gave you the money with no strings attached, so logically speaking, there's no reason to give either side control. 

mimivac

ambercge said:

Trust me, I've certainly felt this way. I couldn't understand when we were talking in the car and I mentioned that I had to get one of my long-time friend's addresses (who moved away post-college and we keep up with daily fbook talks and texting), why he rolled his eyes at me. He said "Really, you're inviting Trish?" and I said ".... Do you even know Trish?" and he said "No, that's the point."

... Yet he's okay with his mother inviting a man (who he has never met) who is literally stuck in a hospital bed for the next 9 months after an accident, and when he declines, allowing his brother (who nobody in the family knows) the invite and an "and Guest" so he won't be lonely. No I'm not making this up. She really said this to me the other day.

FI has almost nothing to do with the wedding planning because it's not his area, and I'm fine with that. But this is one of those times where we simply don't mesh on our ideas. No two people always agree, so I'm okay with it, but i wish I could make him understand.

His logic doesn't make sense. So you can't invite someone you are close to because FI doesn't know her, but his mom can have strangers that nobody knows because of the way the numbers work out? Plus, you made it clear that her contribution is not going toward your guests (it's all going toward the whole wedding, but I understand what you're saying). This is wrong and I'm incredulous that your FI doesn't understand this. I would think he just doesn't want to tangle with his mother because he knows what she's like. He needs to step up and support you on this or you'll have a future mama in law up in all your business the rest of your life, especially if she knows her son is ready to acquiesce to her to avoid conflict.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

steph861

ambercge said:

In FI's defense, his mother is sick. She has MS and we honestly have no idea how long she's going to be with us. That's a HUGE reason he doesn't want to butt heads with her and tries to make her happy in whatever way possible. She has ONE son (two step-sons, but only him as a biological son) and he hates upsetting her just as much as he hates upsetting me.

Evidently, that's not true in this case. It's one thing to take his mother's feelings into account, but it's another thing to do so out of guilt. It seems like he's trying to placate her because he wants her to enjoy the time she has left and feels like it will be his fault if he does anything to upset her. She can still enjoy the time she has left without getting her way 100% of the time. If one disagreement is going to change that, that's on her, not him. He shouldn't hold himself accountable for her reactions.

southernbelle0915

ambercge said:

In FI's defense, his mother is sick. She has MS and we honestly have no idea how long she's going to be with us. That's a HUGE reason he doesn't want to butt heads with her and tries to make her happy in whatever way possible. She has ONE son (two step-sons, but only him as a biological son) and he hates upsetting her just as much as he hates upsetting me.

I'm not insensitive... well, ok I'm kind of insensitive, but this reason is stupid. Her illness has NOTHING to do with your guest list. Literally nothing. People with MS can live for many, many, many years - even with a dreary prognosis. It's not like her last dying wish is to have the mailman and her gardener at her son's wedding. Seriously.... 

This reason sounds like an excuse for your FI to avoid pulling up his big boy tights and standing up to his mother. Time to grow up, Peter Pan.

mimivac

ambercge said:

In FI's defense, his mother is sick. She has MS and we honestly have no idea how long she's going to be with us. That's a HUGE reason he doesn't want to butt heads with her and tries to make her happy in whatever way possible. She has ONE son (two step-sons, but only him as a biological son) and he hates upsetting her just as much as he hates upsetting me.

I'm sorry she's sick and I'm sure it's very hard on your FI. But that still doesn't mean she can be completely unreasonable and dictate that your close friends and family cannot come to your wedding. I had cancer as a young woman and my "cancer friends" and I frequently talk about playing the "cancer card," which none of us really does. I don't know how long I'll be around either (planning on the next 40 years or so), but that doesn't mean I get to make other peoples' lives harder.

PrettyGirlLost

ambercge said:

AprilH81 said:

Is there enough room in the venue and/or money in the budget to invite everyone that both families want? If the list isn't getting split 50/50, who from your FI's side won't be on the invite list?

Room isn't as big of a deal anymore because we switched venues. Money, however, is a different matter, almost 2/3 of our budget is being spent on food right now and this is after we switched to an off-season date on a Sunday.

Nobody. They're inviting everyone they know including step-dad's business partners, mom's friends, kids of married couples and their high-school prom dates etc. Only people they haven't invited are their gardener and hair-dresser.

That's how a correctly calculated wedding budget should be, though.

No matter if your total budget is $500 for 300 people or $50,000 for 300 people, 50%-60% of your budget should be allocated to the reception cost, which includes food, alcohol, any site rental fees, taxes, surcharges, set-up/break down fees, table/chair rental, etc.

ambercge

PrettyGirlLost said:

That's how a correctly calculated wedding budget should be, though.

No matter if your total budget is $500 for 300 people or $50,000 for 300 people, 50%-60% of your budget should be allocated to the reception cost, which includes food, alcohol, any site rental fees, taxes, surcharges, set-up/break down fees, table/chair rental, etc.

Maybe that's true, but then I'm not sure how we're going to possibly afford to decorate 30 tables, get the cake FMIL wants and the DJ, pay for a photographer, go on a honeymoon, etc. Four grand isn't going to go that far.

KatieinBkln

ambercge said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

That's how a correctly calculated wedding budget should be, though.

No matter if your total budget is $500 for 300 people or $50,000 for 300 people, 50%-60% of your budget should be allocated to the reception cost, which includes food, alcohol, any site rental fees, taxes, surcharges, set-up/break down fees, table/chair rental, etc.

Maybe that's true, but then I'm not sure how we're going to possibly afford to decorate 30 tables, get the cake FMIL wants and the DJ, pay for a photographer, go on a honeymoon, etc. Four grand isn't going to go that far.

IT'S NOT HER WEDDING. 

annathy03

ambercge said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

That's how a correctly calculated wedding budget should be, though.

No matter if your total budget is $500 for 300 people or $50,000 for 300 people, 50%-60% of your budget should be allocated to the reception cost, which includes food, alcohol, any site rental fees, taxes, surcharges, set-up/break down fees, table/chair rental, etc.

Maybe that's true, but then I'm not sure how we're going to possibly afford to decorate 30 tables, get the cake FMIL wants and the DJ, pay for a photographer, go on a honeymoon, etc. Four grand isn't going to go that far.

I spray painted wine bottles (me and my invited friends didn't recycle them for a bit) and stuck a single (fake, on sale) flower in each and put 3 to a table with some tealights around them for our centerpieces.  20 tables cost me around $200.  The girls on the DIY and budget board have some really great ideas they're happy to share.

Do a small 2-3 tier cutting cake and a sheet cake for volume, that cut our cake cost almost in half.  FMIL does not get to dictate your cake!  DJ and photographer are tougher, but there should be some available in a variety of price ranges. 

Wedding budgets do not include the honeymoon, that's separate.  Lots of couples take it later for budgeting purposes and the girls I know that have don't seem to regret it.

KatieinBkln

I mean, I really feel for you, honestly. But your situation underscores just how much "adulting" brides have to learn when throwing a wedding. It's hard because saying "no" to parents and other authority figures has been Not Allowed for many years, but unfortunately now is the time when you get to learn how to do it. Try to see your FMIL as a fellow adult. Not your FMIL, not a sick lady who might not be with us for long (yikes, that is a guilt trip NO one deserves, btw), and not a person you have to placate. She's just a peer. She wants some things, you want some things. But it's your wedding. And if you absolutely had to decline all the money she gave, get a parks department permit for $100 and throw yourself a $4,000 punch-and-cake wedding, you not only COULD do it, you are ALLOWED to do it. I understand all the reasons why you might not want to! But try not to frame standing up for yourself as "causing drama." It isn't.

Kauris

I feel like all the PPs have covered all the bases, so I really just wanted to offer support to you on the logical FI thing. 

My FI is an engineer, (dad is one too, so I knew what I was getting into), love him dearly, but sometimes I just have to tell him to take off the robot head and think like a human, with feelings and all. AND to think about my feelings and how his robot actions are affecting my human feelings. Most of the time it works. 

So hugs to you for dealing with this. I'm sure your FI is a great guy, otherwise you wouldn't marry him, but sometimes they just need to let go of logic and understand that feelings matter too.

chibiyui

Seriously, fuck the cake your FMIL wants.

Save up and go on a bitching vacation for an anniversary. Keep decor simple, check out the budget boards. You've got options.

ambercge

kasmith1 said:

I feel like all the PPs have covered all the bases, so I really just wanted to offer support to you on the logical FI thing. 

My FI is an engineer, (dad is one too, so I knew what I was getting into), love him dearly, but sometimes I just have to tell him to take off the robot head and think like a human, with feelings and all. AND to think about my feelings and how his robot actions are affecting my human feelings. Most of the time it works. 

So hugs to you for dealing with this. I'm sure your FI is a great guy, otherwise you wouldn't marry him, but sometimes they just need to let go of logic and understand that feelings matter too.

Glad someone gets it, haha.

thisismynickname2

mimivac said:

I don't think your FMIL is being at all fair. 50/50 does not work in this situation and applying this as "logic" results in strange outcomes, ie. someone no one has ever met is prioritized over a long-time friend or family member. How is that logical? You can't just apply a principle without thinking about the spirit of it. Your FMIL gets everyone she wants without the extra "and guests" anyway, so why insist on filling a spot with strangers? Just to get her money's worth?

I would totally understand (and think it's fair)  if she wants to contribute less to the wedding because their side has fewer guests. This is the way I would go, but you are probably too far along in the process for this.

STUCK IN BOX

This. I agree with this.  I have a tiny, overseas family and FI's family is huge. He and I did agree that we wanted a small wedding.  As it turned out, when he talked with his mom, they came back and said, "We'll contribute x amount but we want x guests."  Fine.  My parents contributed significantly less and they're getting fewer guests.  I'll have one set of blood relation besides my parents and sister, and the majority of FI's side is blood-related.  My friends are my "family" so, there you have it.  

If each "side" (excluding you and FI) is contributing identical amounts, in that case I'd say identical numbers of guests are allowed. THEN, you use your own budget and FI's own budget to supplement those numbers however YOU want.  That comes out to, say, 40/40/10/10 split.  Hope that makes sense.

Good luck....

PrettyGirlLost

ambercge said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

That's how a correctly calculated wedding budget should be, though.

No matter if your total budget is $500 for 300 people or $50,000 for 300 people, 50%-60% of your budget should be allocated to the reception cost, which includes food, alcohol, any site rental fees, taxes, surcharges, set-up/break down fees, table/chair rental, etc.

Maybe that's true, but then I'm not sure how we're going to possibly afford to decorate 30 tables, get the cake FMIL wants and the DJ, pay for a photographer, go on a honeymoon, etc. Four grand isn't going to go that far.

Sadly, It is true. . . which I why I wanted to elope but FI wanted a huge ass frigging party ><

Feeding your guests and renting the space to do it in is going to be the largest part of your budget.  If you don't budget that way, you will run into trouble.  I have seen the lamentations of many a bride here who did not allocate enough money to their reception costs, and then scramble to try and safe money by doing things like having a cash bar, a pot luck reception, etc.

When we got engaged, we made a rough guest list that represented everybody we would like to invite, plus possible SO's of single family and friends.  We also figured out our budget range- "We aren't going to spend more than X, but we'd like to keep it around Y."  And we knew that we'd be having a 2+ year engagement in order to save money for the wedding we wanted, and to be able to secure a Saturday in the month we wanted. . . venues/vendors book 1.5-2 years out in my area for peak wedding months. 

So then we started looking at venues that could hold our guest list, and getting quotes for those places.  Many venues went right off our list for consideration due to the per plate food costs and other constraints- cake cutting and plating fees, etc.

After seeing a few places and getting quotes, we realized that for the wedding that we wanted, where food and drink of the highest quality was our highest priority, followed by a great DJ and photographer, we realized that we'd have to increase our budget to be more towards the top end of our range.

Some things you may need to consider if $4000 is your total budget:

• Finding a cheaper venue/caterer.
• Having your reception at an off- meal time and having a cake and punch reception.
• Having a Friday night reception.
• Having your wedding/reception in an off-peak month for the venues.
  
• Skipping favors, centerpieces, chair covers, etc.
  
• Trimming down your guest list.
• Lengthening your engagement to save up more money for the reception.
  

MGP

ambercge said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

That's how a correctly calculated wedding budget should be, though.

No matter if your total budget is $500 for 300 people or $50,000 for 300 people, 50%-60% of your budget should be allocated to the reception cost, which includes food, alcohol, any site rental fees, taxes, surcharges, set-up/break down fees, table/chair rental, etc.

Maybe that's true, but then I'm not sure how we're going to possibly afford to decorate 30 tables, get the cake FMIL wants and the DJ, pay for a photographer, go on a honeymoon, etc. Four grand isn't going to go that far.

Are you saying that your total budget is $4000, or that $4000 is your remaining third which makes your budget $12,000?

Honeymoon and rings are separate line items by the way.

jenijoyk

I am in a similar situation as your fiance - "my side" of the guest list is about 60, while "his side" of the guest list is more than twice that. And it is what it is, but part of me is selfishly kind of worried that the wedding is going to end up being a huge "Smith Family Show." (Smith is not his last name, but you get it.) Maybe that is the hangup that his mothier has and they just haven't articulated it? Because it sounds ridiculous? But it's a real thing. My worry is that I will get up to the alter, look out, and not even be able to spot the people closest to me, in a sea of faces I don't know. For this reason, my supportive fiance has agreed that the ushers can stack the first few rows with my favorite people, and we can make sure that the tables closest to the front of the reception go to my (pretty small) family. If you have to cut the list, make sure he understands that his people are super super important, and won't be lost in the sea of your many many first cousins. Be gentle. This is a big day for his people too, even if there aren't as many of them.

ambercge

PrettyGirlLost said:

ambercge said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

That's how a correctly calculated wedding budget should be, though.

No matter if your total budget is $500 for 300 people or $50,000 for 300 people, 50%-60% of your budget should be allocated to the reception cost, which includes food, alcohol, any site rental fees, taxes, surcharges, set-up/break down fees, table/chair rental, etc.

Maybe that's true, but then I'm not sure how we're going to possibly afford to decorate 30 tables, get the cake FMIL wants and the DJ, pay for a photographer, go on a honeymoon, etc. Four grand isn't going to go that far.

Sadly, It is true. . . which I why I wanted to elope but FI wanted a huge ass frigging party ><

Feeding your guests and renting the space to do it in is going to be the largest part of your budget.  If you don't budget that way, you will run into trouble.  I have seen the lamentations of many a bride here who did not allocate enough money to their reception costs, and then scramble to try and safe money by doing things like having a cash bar, a pot luck reception, etc.

When we got engaged, we made a rough guest list that represented everybody we would like to invite, plus possible SO's of single family and friends.  We also figured out our budget range- "We aren't going to spend more than X, but we'd like to keep it around Y."  And we knew that we'd be having a 2+ year engagement in order to save money for the wedding we wanted, and to be able to secure a Saturday in the month we wanted. . . venues/vendors book 1.5-2 years out in my area for peak wedding months. 

So then we started looking at venues that could hold our guest list, and getting quotes for those places.  Many venues went right off our list for consideration due to the per plate food costs and other constraints- cake cutting and plating fees, etc.

After seeing a few places and getting quotes, we realized that for the wedding that we wanted, where food and drink of the highest quality was our highest priority, followed by a great DJ and photographer, we realized that we'd have to increase our budget to be more towards the top end of our range.

Some things you may need to consider if $4000 is your total budget:

• Finding a cheaper venue/caterer.
• Having your reception at an off- meal time and having a cake and punch reception.
• Having a Friday night reception.
• Having your wedding/reception in an off-peak month for the venues.
  
• Skipping favors, centerpieces, chair covers, etc.
  
• Trimming down your guest list.
• Lengthening your engagement to save up more money for the reception.
  

We're already doing a Sunday wedding in April to do the off-season and non-saturday. Not doing favors. 24 dollars a plate for the venue (includes everything from open bar (his parents won't give money without open bar) to linens and basic decorations).

I honestly understand where everyone is coming from with cutting the food out completely or cutting the guest list, but the whole point of the post was trying to come up with a way to explain to FMIL and even FI how I feel about the guest list situation. Not ruining the rest of my wedding in order to accommodate her guest list. Every guest she adds to "get even" on the list is 24 dollars coming out of the rest of my budget.

I had another few paragraphs written, but I'm tired of hearing people tell me that I need to be a bitch to my FMIL and that my FI needs to "stand up" to his dying mother. I'm clearly not getting the help I was hoping for this morning.

Thanks anyway, though.

jenijoyk

Also, are there other ways you can soften the blow of asking them to cut their list? Maybe other things you can do to spotlight his family? For example, I held my tongue about my worries over the unequal guestlist because I felt stupid for being bratty about it. Then we were starting to pick our officiant, and his family really wanted his great uncle to officiate. And I kind of just lost it. First, I've never met this great uncle, and never once seen him at any family holiday gathering for the decade that I've been dating my fiance. But beyond that, I think I lost it because I was like, "For the love of god, this is not your family reunion! Your family cannot dominate every single aspect of this wedding!" If I wasn't already secretly freaking out about the guest list, I probably wouldn't have reacted that way. So, long story short, maybe don't look at the guest list in a vacuum. There could be other things troubling them, or making them feel like they must absolutely have as many people there as you. And maybe there are non-guest list related ways to assuage whatever they are feeling.

morphemes

Eeesh this sounds like a mess! I'm sorry this is so hard, family can be tough to deal with because it can be hard to say no to them. You might have to just do that.

If paying for the wedding yourselves isn't an option, and if you choose to accept money from your parents and FMIL, then they do have a say in who gets invited. I honestly think your best option is the 40/40/10/10 that a PP suggested. Giving both sets of parents 40% of the guest list and 10% to each of you and your FI. 

I understand that you have a larger family, but I don't think it follows that you should have 75% of the guest list. I don't think the 50/50 split is necessarily the fairest option either, but this is your FIs wedding too and honestly he should be able to fill his "half" of the guest spots. Now, I'm sort of logical-minded myself, but this is what I would suggest. Invite everyone's family members. All of yours and all of his. If your family makes up more than 50% (which is sounds like) then any "extra" guest spots (room left over after family) goes to your FI to invite whoever he wants, without judgment on your part that someone on your side is "more important". 

ambercge

jenijoyk said:

Also, are there other ways you can soften the blow of asking them to cut their list? Maybe other things you can do to spotlight his family? For example, I held my tongue about my worries over the unequal guestlist because I felt stupid for being bratty about it. Then we were starting to pick our officiant, and his family really wanted his great uncle to officiate. And I kind of just lost it. First, I've never met this great uncle, and never once seen him at any family holiday gathering for the decade that I've been dating my fiance. But beyond that, I think I lost it because I was like, "For the love of god, this is not your family reunion! Your family cannot dominate every single aspect of this wedding!" If I wasn't already secretly freaking out about the guest list, I probably wouldn't have reacted that way. So, long story short, maybe don't look at the guest list in a vacuum. There could be other things troubling them, or making them feel like they must absolutely have as many people there as you. And maybe there are non-guest list related ways to assuage whatever they are feeling.

This actually makes a bit of sense. It's just strange since his mother is usually SO open to me. I mean, she doesn't hold back to talk shit about my mom when my mom does something wrong, she never lies about how she's feeling. But I can see her not wanting to get lost in a crowd. Just strange she won't mention it.

I think I'll sit down and talk with FI soon about this and see if he has any insight that he's been hesitant to bring up. He knows that I'm not the sort of person to get up in someone's face about something, but he also knows that his mom can come on kind of strong as well. 

PrettyGirlLost

ambercge said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ambercge said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

That's how a correctly calculated wedding budget should be, though.

No matter if your total budget is $500 for 300 people or $50,000 for 300 people, 50%-60% of your budget should be allocated to the reception cost, which includes food, alcohol, any site rental fees, taxes, surcharges, set-up/break down fees, table/chair rental, etc.

Maybe that's true, but then I'm not sure how we're going to possibly afford to decorate 30 tables, get the cake FMIL wants and the DJ, pay for a photographer, go on a honeymoon, etc. Four grand isn't going to go that far.

Sadly, It is true. . . which I why I wanted to elope but FI wanted a huge ass frigging party ><

Feeding your guests and renting the space to do it in is going to be the largest part of your budget.  If you don't budget that way, you will run into trouble.  I have seen the lamentations of many a bride here who did not allocate enough money to their reception costs, and then scramble to try and safe money by doing things like having a cash bar, a pot luck reception, etc.

When we got engaged, we made a rough guest list that represented everybody we would like to invite, plus possible SO's of single family and friends.  We also figured out our budget range- "We aren't going to spend more than X, but we'd like to keep it around Y."  And we knew that we'd be having a 2+ year engagement in order to save money for the wedding we wanted, and to be able to secure a Saturday in the month we wanted. . . venues/vendors book 1.5-2 years out in my area for peak wedding months. 

So then we started looking at venues that could hold our guest list, and getting quotes for those places.  Many venues went right off our list for consideration due to the per plate food costs and other constraints- cake cutting and plating fees, etc.

After seeing a few places and getting quotes, we realized that for the wedding that we wanted, where food and drink of the highest quality was our highest priority, followed by a great DJ and photographer, we realized that we'd have to increase our budget to be more towards the top end of our range.

Some things you may need to consider if $4000 is your total budget:

• Finding a cheaper venue/caterer.
• Having your reception at an off- meal time and having a cake and punch reception.
• Having a Friday night reception.
• Having your wedding/reception in an off-peak month for the venues.
  
• Skipping favors, centerpieces, chair covers, etc.
  
• Trimming down your guest list.
• Lengthening your engagement to save up more money for the reception.
  

We're already doing a Sunday wedding in April to do the off-season and non-saturday. Not doing favors. 24 dollars a plate for the venue (includes everything from open bar (his parents won't give money without open bar) to linens and basic decorations).

I honestly understand where everyone is coming from with cutting the food out completely or cutting the guest list, but the whole point of the post was trying to come up with a way to explain to FMIL and even FI how I feel about the guest list situation. Not ruining the rest of my wedding in order to accommodate her guest list.   I didn't read every comment, but I personally wasn't suggesting you ruin your wedding or add every one of your FMIL's guests.  Every guest she adds to "get even" on the list is 24 dollars coming out of the rest of my budget.

I had another few paragraphs written, but I'm tired of hearing people tell me that I need to be a bitch to my FMIL and that my FI needs to "stand up" to his dying mother. I'm clearly not getting the help I was hoping for this morning.  Your FI needs to be on the same page as you, though.  And if you both feel like his mother is railroading you, then you have to have a discussion with her and find a compromise. . . I'd tell you the same thing even if she wasn't dying.  and I'm sorry to hear that she is unwell

Thanks anyway, though.

What is your total budget, and in an ideal world, what is the total number of people you want to invite?

ambercge

morphemes said:

Eeesh this sounds like a mess! I'm sorry this is so hard, family can be tough to deal with because it can be hard to say no to them. You might have to just do that.

If paying for the wedding yourselves isn't an option, and if you choose to accept money from your parents and FMIL, then they do have a say in who gets invited. I honestly think your best option is the 40/40/10/10 that a PP suggested. Giving both sets of parents 40% of the guest list and 10% to each of you and your FI. 

I understand that you have a larger family, but I don't think it follows that you should have 75% of the guest list. I don't think the 50/50 split is necessarily the fairest option either, but this is your FIs wedding too and honestly he should be able to fill his "half" of the guest spots. Now, I'm sort of logical-minded myself, but this is what I would suggest. Invite everyone's family members. All of yours and all of his. If your family makes up more than 50% (which is sounds like) then any "extra" guest spots (room left over after family) goes to your FI to invite whoever he wants, without judgment on your part that someone on your side is "more important". 

So I don't get to invite any friends and his mom can invite the mailman? I don't understand this logic at all anymore.

I gave in to her wanting a cake when I didn't. I gave in to an open bar instead of beer and wine only on a Sunday afternoon wedding. I gave in to a DJ and I gave in to 100 other things. This is THOUSANDS of dollars of "giving in" that we're talking about here. WHY do I have to give in on the guest list as well in order to get help in financing it?

AddieCake

You should slip her a mickey.

southernbelle0915

ambercge said:

We're already doing a Sunday wedding in April to do the off-season and non-saturday. Not doing favors. 24 dollars a plate for the venue (includes everything from open bar (his parents won't give money without open bar) to linens and basic decorations).

I honestly understand where everyone is coming from with cutting the food out completely or cutting the guest list, but the whole point of the post was trying to come up with a way to explain to FMIL and even FI how I feel about the guest list situation. Not ruining the rest of my wedding in order to accommodate her guest list. Every guest she adds to "get even" on the list is 24 dollars coming out of the rest of my budget.

I had another few paragraphs written, but I'm tired of hearing people tell me that I need to be a bitch to my FMIL and that my FI needs to "stand up" to his dying mother. I'm clearly not getting the help I was hoping for this morning.

Thanks anyway, though.

No one is telling you to be a bitch to your FMIL. You do need to level with her - adult to adult. Presumably you are one and this is your wedding, so that's not a far fetched concept. And yes, your FI does need to be able to level with her, too - her medical condition aside. Trust me, both my parents had cancer - I know what it's like first hand to have sick parents. Medical issues and controlling your guest list are not even remotely related and need to be separated. 

People are trying to help you see other perspectives. You've gotten a ton of helpful advice from many different angles - poo pooing on it because it's not what you wanted to hear is kind of a slap in the face for people who spent time considering your situation and responding.

scrunchythief

I ditto what PPS said about needing to talk to your FI about this.  The two of you need to be making your guest list together, not being told what to do by other people.  

When it comes to inviting family, I don't really think the exact details of who's paying matters.  If you pay you get some say in who comes, but I think that should be specific people, not random numbers regardless of who gets left off because of it.  Since my DH's family didn't pay at all does that mean we shouldn't have invited any of them?

Our wedding was paid for by my family (Grandpa and parents) for the most part.  They had a few specific requests of who to invite which we happily put on the list.  However, we were in a similar situation family wise to you and your FI.  I've got around 25 people in mine if you go out to first cousins.  DH has nearly 80, and most of them live on the street he grew up on, so they're very close.  We knew if we wanted our whole family there, we would need to plan for a large wedding, so we kept that in mind through the whole thing.  If someone who was paying told me to cut my soon to be family members to add random people just for the sake of the numbers, I would have returned their money.   

ambercge

PrettyGirlLost said:

What is your total budget, and in an ideal world, what is the total number of people you want to invite?

Our total budget is about 7K from each of the parents. so 14K. We're attempting to stay within this range as MUCH as possible because any leftover money the parents have agreed to give as a gift to us. We pay for various things ourselves as we go, such as my dress, gifts for the attendants, etc. But, as said, any leftover money is a gift, so we'd get it.

In an ideal world I'd like to invite OUR A List which comes to 253 (100 are his and includes some extended family that I'm not fighting since I know his family IS smaller.) I'd like to use those 18 "and Guests" that she's attached (not included in the 253 count) t0o invite a handful of my friends.

Instead of this happening, however, she presented me with a modified list that included another 40 some guests with even more "and Guests" bringing our list up well over 300 and increasing our venue budget nearly 2K (which, we obviously lose for other budgeted things).