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megso16

So, earlier today, BF dropped on me that he'd like to buy a house in ~2 years. We've talked about how, made a plan for money, but I didn't know the time frame he was looking at. Now I do. I'd like to get married first. The idea of putting two different last names on a mortgage is and always has been pretty scary to me.

This isn't really an issue, I'd just like to get opinions. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, nothing serious or bad, I just want him to know where I'm coming from. I know plans are not concrete and I'm flexible, but I also feel a house and marriage are easier to plan than babies.

TL; DR Am I weird/wrong for wanting to get married before we purchase a house together? Or have I totally lost it and am now BSC?

CLoGreenEyes

Nope, you're not crazy. This is truly a personal preference thing. I feel similarly to you - I don't think I'd feel comfortable buying a house with someone I wasn't at the very least engaged to, and preferably married to already. But others feel differently, and that's perfectly reasonable too. Definitely talk to him about it and let him know your stance.

buddysmom80

megso16 said:

So, earlier today, BF dropped on me that he'd like to buy a house in ~2 years. We've talked about how, made a plan for money, but I didn't know the time frame he was looking at. Now I do. I'd like to get married first. The idea of putting two different last names on a mortgage is and always has been pretty scary to me. This isn't really an issue, I'd just like to get opinions. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, nothing serious or bad, I just want him to know where I'm coming from. I know plans are not concrete and I'm flexible, but I also feel a house and marriage are easier to plan than babies. TL; DR Am I weird/wrong for wanting to get married before we purchase a house together? Or have I totally lost it and am now BSC?

To me, it didn't make any difference. The market was excellent for a buyer and my interest rate for my mortgage was great so I wasn't going to wait to get married or engaged before buying a house.

FI was there with me during the whole process but honestly, I felt more comfortable with just the house being in my name. I pay the mortgage and he pays the utilities and groceries. Once we're married, the house is legally 50% of his anyway so I'm not at all weirded out with having the house in just my name.

labro

You aren't wrong or weird for wanting to get married before buying a house together. If you're planning to put money into a downpayment together (and have BOTH names on the mortgage) then you need to think very very seriously about whether this is a decision you want to make now or later. There are some serious implications if you break up or he just walks away/stops paying bills/whatever.

With that said. FI and I bought a house last summer before we were engaged. I say he and I, but it really should just be him. The money for the downpayment came from him, and he is the sole person on the mortgage and the deed. We were careful to select a house that one of us could afford if the worst happened, or if one of us lost our jobs. We needed to be able to subsist on a single income and still afford the mortgage. After we are married, my name will be added to the deed to the house, but we can't change the mortgage I think.

I don't think you are being BSC for thinking about these things. Maybe it's time for you and your BF to have a timeline discussion. However, I think if you're both planning to pay in to a downpayment and BOTH be on the mortgage, then I'd wait until you're married to buy.

KeptInStitches

buddysmom80 said:

megso16 said:

So, earlier today, BF dropped on me that he'd like to buy a house in ~2 years. We've talked about how, made a plan for money, but I didn't know the time frame he was looking at. Now I do. I'd like to get married first. The idea of putting two different last names on a mortgage is and always has been pretty scary to me. This isn't really an issue, I'd just like to get opinions. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, nothing serious or bad, I just want him to know where I'm coming from. I know plans are not concrete and I'm flexible, but I also feel a house and marriage are easier to plan than babies. TL; DR Am I weird/wrong for wanting to get married before we purchase a house together? Or have I totally lost it and am now BSC?

To me, it didn't make any difference. The market was excellent for a buyer and my interest rate for my mortgage was great so I wasn't going to wait to get married or engaged before buying a house.

FI was there with me during the whole process but honestly, I felt more comfortable with just the house being in my name. I pay the mortgage and he pays the utilities and groceries. Once we're married, the house is legally 50% of his anyway so I'm not at all weirded out with having the house in just my name.

I'm the reverse of this situation - the house is in his name, while I pay whatever utilities and groceries he'll let me pay (like it matters whose account the money comes out of anyway, we're combined in all but name).

But it is a matter of personal preference, and I would not have been comfortable getting the house if I didn't know there was an engagement and marriage on the way. We started seriously house-hunting when he got a side job this winter and we decided to use that money to get a ring.

joy14bw

I would say this is normal. I won't move in with SO until he proposes. I did it in the past and completely regretted it (way too soon!). We haven't discussed getting engaged but he knows my stance on it from sharing my past in casual conversation.

I would suggest mentioning that you prefer to be a "Mrs." before becoming a co-homeowners.

lmcooper86

I don't think you're crazy, it's really a personal preference thing. FI and I are looking for a house right now, and the house will be purchased under his name; it's HIS money and we aren't married yet, and neither of us is okay with it being under both of our names yet. Once we get married we will change that, but until then it'll be his house, and I'll be living in it. We haven't come to a final decision about who will be paying for what, but based on our previous conversations I will either contribute toward the mortgage, or he'll pay the mortgage and I'll take care of bills and groceries, or some combination of the above.

[Deleted User]

@megso16 - I am in the EXACT same boat as you. Except BF keeps making it all complicated. Essentially, his parents are divorcing, and we want to buy a house that they own (that we're renting from them) before they decide to sell it on the market. We could get a wicked good deal, and it has become our home! But I have ALWAYS known I wanted to be married before I put my name on a deed/mortgage with someone. I've watched my siblings make the mistake of buying homes together then breaking up. I'm not worried we'll break up, but it's the principle of the thing as well. I told him he could buy it himself and I would pay him rent, but he thinks that if the down payment is coming from both of us then that isn't fair. Plus he wants us to buy it together anyways. So now I'm asking myself, do I give up on something I've felt so strongly about for so long? Or do I give in and say something like, "Well, I'll do it if we get engaged first and have a date set." . . . It's so rough! . . You've got to decide what you can live with and tell him what that is. I am on the fence, so I haven't had any more conversations with BF about it since I told him I wanted to be married first.

luckya23

I definitely don't think you are wrong to want to be married first.  If one of you buys the house alone, it's a pain in the ass to get the other's name on the mortgage later.  I also made the mistake of thinking I was buying a house with my ex, but in reality it was all his, and I had nothing but problems from closing until I finally got out of there... most of that was problems with the ex, but you still end up feeling used. 

I don't know what I will end up doing about the house I already owned when I met my SO.

Peaseblossom55

We started looking at home at the start of our 3rd year together we had already decided we wanted to get married.  I did say before we began looking, I'd really feel more comfortable being engaged whenever we close on a home, since we were planning to put the house in joint names.  I also said we could delay looking at homes if he wanted but he agreed and we continued our home search. We got engaged about a month or so before we closed.

 I would feel uncomfortable if there was not at least an engagement or marriage before going in on a huge joint purchase together.  That's just me though.

phira

You're not wrong to want to be married first, but I'd think about what it means to you. Why is it important to you to get married first?

While we're nowhere near close to buying a house (I hear you need money for that), I would want to be married first. Not because it's the correct order, but because I wouldn't be up for the commitment of owning a house with someone I wasn't married to. That said, I wouldn't be opposed to my non-spouse partner buying a house in his name, with his money, and then moving in with him and paying half the mortgage payments.

I think it would be worthwhile for you to find a way to verbalize why you're uncomfortable with buying a house when you're not married yet. I assume that your comment about two last names on the mortgage was your way of saying, "buying a house together while unmarried," and not your actual, specific fear (since many married couples have different last names), but besides that, there's no indication in your post about why you're uncomfortable with it.

That's not to say that unless you have a good enough reason, you HAVE to be comfortable with it. It's just that, "It's the wrong order," or, "Buying a house together when we're not married yet is scary," is not going to be helpful to you or your boyfriend if you sit down and talk about this. Think about what actually scares you, and whether there's any room for compromise in the timeline. Find out from him how he sees this going--would he buy a place, or would you buy one together? When does he see you getting married?

eilis1228

I agree with everything PPs have said. I feel the same way about a mortgage in general. If both of your names end up on the mortgage and then you break up... it can get messy very quickly. A house is a huge, long-term investment, and you want to be sure your partner in that investment will be there for the duration. I would sit down and talk with him about your timelines for marriage, house, kids, etc., and explain to him WHY you feel the way you do about a house. Many couples have bought houses together with both names on the mortgage prior to marriage, and they're fine. It really depends on what's right for you guys and what you're both comfortable with.

loves2shop4shoes

I've been reasonably vocal about this here.  It's an unpopular opinion, but I would personally never purchase a home with someone I was not married to. 

I've seen it go wrong many, many times.  And to me, if you're serious enough about someone to buy a house with her/have kids with her, you're serious enough to get married.  So why not just do it in an order that is safe and protects everyone?

Just my .02.

megso16

@phira‌ I think it's important to me because that kind of a commitment before marriage is uncomfortable and, if you're ready for buying a house together, I don't see why you wouldn't be ready for marriage. It's hard to accurately put it into words.

We've talked about both of us putting money in towards the down payment, so it would be us buying the house together, as opposed to one of us being the sole owner money wise. He should be home soon, it's definitely worth a talk.

minskat30

I've been in situations where an ex bought a house without me on the deed while we were together and where I bought a home without an ex on the deed while we were together and I've been fine with that situation (and moving in to the ex's home or the ex moving in to my home).  I would never buy a home where both my SO and I were on the deed if we weren't engaged at least...too much risk. 

500days

I'm with @loves2shop4shoes- I will never buy a home with a friend, fiance, boyfriend, lizard, whatever. My cousin and his GF (at the time) bought a house "together"...but only my cousin's name was on the mortgage. Shit hit the fan when she wanted to make deductions on the interest she had been paying on the mortgage come tax time. Oops, she wasn't on the deed or the mortgage. I don't really know how difficult the process is to add someone's name to the deed or mortgage, but it ultimately strained their relationship and it ended. 

Not everyone's situations go this way, but I just feel like it's a biiiiig commitment (flippin' 30 years in most cases) to make when buying a house. I would like the same 30 year commitment made to me too.

phira

Yeah, @loves2shop4shoes, I think you've really hit the nail on the head. Which is why I'm curious about OP's BF's timeline--does he adamantly want to buy a house before getting married, or does he just have a timeline for the house and he hasn't thought about one for marriage?

OP, yeah, definitely see what happens when you talk when he gets home. Like I said, I agree, and I wouldn't want to buy a house with someone unless we were already married or at least engaged.

megso16

We talked, briefly because the girls are about to get dropped off, but he agreed that marriage before a house was important and seemed 100% on the same page as I am. So I guess that means marriage somewhere in the next 2 years? For some reason, the words "when do you want to get married?" can never actually manage to come out of my mouth.

morphemes

I think you have legitimate concerns, OP, and you should be able to communicate them to your BF. Have you two talked about marriage? He may have considered his time-line for the house without really thinking about a time-line for your relationship and how buying a house might change/impact your relationship. I think this is completely personal preference. I could see myself buying a house with my partner without us being married. But that is specific to my relationship with him and every relationship is different. I can understand wanting the "extra" commitment of marriage prior to the financial commitment of a house. It's also entirely possible that your BF has also thought about this, but hasn't raised it with you. If you haven't talked about marriage before, that can be a hard conversation to raise for the first time and he might not want to freak you out over it (the first time my partner raised the idea of getting married I almost had a heart-attack! . ETA: TK ate my paragraphs

joy14bw

megso16 said:

We talked, briefly because the girls are about to get dropped off, but he agreed that marriage before a house was important and seemed 100% on the same page as I am. So I guess that means marriage somewhere in the next 2 years? For some reason, the words "when do you want to get married?" can never actually manage to come out of my mouth.

Just sit back and enjoy the time....At least you know he is serious.

BreMR

I would have disagreed with @loves2shop4shoes about 8 years ago, I worked in the mortgage industry and thought "why should I help pay for bills on a house I don't own?"  At the time my Fi and I bought our house we were 20 (gulp!) and had been together 4 years already, however, the house and the stress of it is what helped us break up for 8 months and we ended up having a huge hassle of renting out the house and going our separate ways, it was a disaster.

Now I'm a full advocate for being married before you buy a house.. not even engaged... MARRIED.  

[Deleted User]

@BreMR - Thank you for what you just said. . . Honestly, it's how I feel, but I haven't gotten any reassurance lately that I should stick with my initial instinct and not buy a house together until we're married. Not having anyone agree with you after talking to multiple people about it can really start to make you question your gut. Just having one person agree with me was enough to make me go, "Hey, it's how I feel, and it's how I want it. He'll have to deal with it, because yes, I feel that strongly about it."

BreMR

Honestly, my job is still in the mortgage industry, I read divorce decrees daily because it helps determine who gets to keep the house and what not. That doesn't exist in a relationship, at least in the event of a divorce you have courts involved to help protect your rights.

I obviously don't see my fiance and I breaking up again and know that we will get married, but we won't be buying a house until that happens.

loves2shop4shoes

The worst case I've ever personally seen was my cousin's.

She and the guy were together 5 YEARS before they bought a NYC condo together.  Two months after they bought the condo, he decided he no longer wanted to work.  So he quit his job, and she tried to float the mortgage on a social worker's salary while he spent the next 5 years working as he felt like it.  Needless to say, she ended up having to file for bankruptcy because of HIM.  While SHE did everything she could to keep up on the payments, there's only so far you can stretch a social worker's salary.

He ended up leaving her after 10 years for a stripper.  No, I'm not kidding.

Lesson learned:  If they're willing to "commit" to buying a house, they should be willing to put a couple rings on it.

BreMR

Yep!  That is about as perfect as a bad  good example gets! Your poor cousin.  What a d-bag.

Blue & White

My mortgage came out better because we were married for some absurd reason.

And our renters insurance when we weren't married (in Florida, Virginia could give two shits) couldn't be in my name because we weren't married. So we just put all that in SO's name for the whopping 4 months we weren't married

One thing I was really personal preferencey about the house was that we were definitely haven't a prenup if we weren't married. Most of the savings is mine while most of the income is H's so we will even out eventually but not initially.

We ended up moving before buying a house in VA and now we are buying one here (after the wedding). Yay house!

Dignity100

I purchased my house when I was with my ex.  I put the downpayment down, I paid the mortgage, he was to pay the utility bills.  He never put 1 penny toward the house (an honestly him paying the utilities was somewhat shaky, I typically had to pick up at least 1 because he wanted to go out and have fun).  Our relationship was one I was not happy in and I thought I was helping him and figured I could deal with not being happy for the rest of my life.  We broke up - he moved out, I still live in the house.  It honestly ticks me off that I let him have so much say on which house I purchased because I do not LOVE my house and I think I paid too much for it (thanks to the market crash, I owe more on my house than what it's worth and I don't want to destroy my credit so I make my payments and just grin and bear it).

FI owns his own home.  His brother lives with him; his brother pays nothing towards the house and utilities (their agreement). 

If FI would have come home a year ago (before we were engaged) and said 'hey, I found this perfect house - let's buy it!' I probably would have been on board; but this relationship is so much different than my previous one.

LizzyTish88

I am in the minority here but I just bought a house with BF. While talking about buying a house, I had told him that we would at the very least have to be engaged and he was fully on board.

Fast forward a bit of time, and we had a discussion (Bf, his mom, and myself) and we decided to get a puppy. BF's mom was totally on board with the idea of getting a puppy and come with us to pick her out. Fast forward again a few months and his mom decided that having a puppy was too much work for her and she hated having to take care of the puppy and she wanted the puppy and me (I was basically living there to help with the pup) out. 

I was going to just get a pet friendly apartment but BF didn't want me to "waste my money" because he feels apartments are money holes. We sped up the process of looking. I reminded him of our conversation. He told me that his plan was to buy the house and propose at the same time. 

About a month ago, a month after buying the house this came up again. He said that while it was his original plan, he didn't think we would be buying so soon and that he felt really rushed into the house because of the puppy and didn't want to also get rushed into marriage. A fight ensued because he knew what I was comfortable with and he totally went against that. 

From all this, we were able to sit down and come up with a concrete timeline. He is going to propose in the next year and hopefully by the end of this year. 

I don't regret anything, I know that BF is the one I will spend the rest of my life with and nothing makes me happier then coming home to BF and Tessie every day. I know this life isn't for everyone but it works for us and I wouldn't have it any other way.

TD:LR; We were supposed to get engaged at the same time we bought the house, but we got rushed a bit because of the puppy and that's been pushed back. I don't think there is anything wrong with it and you should do what feels right for you and your relationship. 

joy14bw

I think in the worst cases some women look for the next big step to justify their (maybe not so great) relationship. So in the end it still doesn't work out and dealing with a house is just a mess.

In the case of same sex couples. I believe that its a matter of not being able to get married....not that they don't want to. Some guys just don't want to get married or are not ready. <- If they don't want to get married then I would just put some time and thought into it before taking that large of a step.

doubleSS07

Dignity100 said:

I purchased my house when I was with my ex.  I put the downpayment down, I paid the mortgage, he was to pay the utility bills.  He never put 1 penny toward the house (an honestly him paying the utilities was somewhat shaky, I typically had to pick up at least 1 because he wanted to go out and have fun).  Our relationship was one I was not happy in and I thought I was helping him and figured I could deal with not being happy for the rest of my life.  We broke up - he moved out, I still live in the house.  It honestly ticks me off that I let him have so much say on which house I purchased because I do not LOVE my house and I think I paid too much for it (thanks to the market crash, I owe more on my house than what it's worth and I don't want to destroy my credit so I make my payments and just grin and bear it).

FI owns his own home.  His brother lives with him; his brother pays nothing towards the house and utilities (their agreement). 

If FI would have come home a year ago (before we were engaged) and said 'hey, I found this perfect house - let's buy it!' I probably would have been on board; but this relationship is so much different than my previous one.

Sort of off topic but I just wanted to throw out there that getting out from under a house doesn't destroy your credit as much as you would think.  When H and I short sold his home in CA before moving to TX for his job, we thought the same thing.  He had great credit to begin with and it only dropped about 100 points.  A year and a half later we are building a new home and his credit is right back to well over 750.  It's not ideal but he did everything right and got screwed in the downturn.  It was what had to be done to move on financially. 

loves2shop4shoes

TwoDimes said:

loves2shop4shoes said:

The worst case I've ever personally seen was my cousin's.

She and the guy were together 5 YEARS before they bought a NYC condo together.  Two months after they bought the condo, he decided he no longer wanted to work.  So he quit his job, and she tried to float the mortgage on a social worker's salary while he spent the next 5 years working as he felt like it.  Needless to say, she ended up having to file for bankruptcy because of HIM.  While SHE did everything she could to keep up on the payments, there's only so far you can stretch a social worker's salary.

He ended up leaving her after 10 years for a stripper.  No, I'm not kidding.

Lesson learned:  If they're willing to "commit" to buying a house, they should be willing to put a couple rings on it.

I appreciate the point you are making, but I respectfully disagree with the bolded. 

Plenty of couples are together for years and make lifelong commitments to one another without ever planning to marry. I don't think a couple in that situation should avoid buying house just because they choose not to marry. 

Another way to look at this: how would a same-sex couple buy a house together in a state where same-sex marriage isn't legal? The couple might very well be committed, even if they haven't "put a ring on it." I doubt you would tell that couple not to buy a house together, right? And it's basically the same thing.

I guess my point is: you CAN buy a house to someone without the legal state of marriage. Just make sure you do it intelligently, and protect yourself from the worst-case-scenario.

The same sex couple point is a completely different situation.  If the couple WANTS to get married, but cannot legally do so, then their lack of a marriage is in no way due to a lack of commitment.  It's due to religious and political nonsense going on in the government.  In that situation, of course I would tell them to buy the house, as long as they WOULD be married if they could.

As far as the "lifelong commitment" without a marriage thing, I would be hesitant to agree with you that that couple should just buy a house.  If you are REALLY committed to someone and you are legally able to do so, yet you choose not to get married, I think that is indicative of an underlying mistrust, relationship concern, or commitment issue.  Which is fine.  Different strokes for different folks.  But if my longtime partner REFUSED to marry me, I wouldn't be comfortable buying a house with him.