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Ex asking to attend my wedding.

karamelkandykrunchkaramelkandykrunch member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'll try to keep this as short and to the point as I can...

My ex and I are still friends. We've been friends for almost 8 years and have only gone out for 4 months MANY years ago.  Even though we are still friends, he is still an ex.  My fiance and I have agreed that absolutely no ex's or flings are going to be invited to the wedding.  My issue is, my ex keeps asking me when my wedding is and saying things like "don't forget to invite me."  I've already told him right after I was first engaged that we will not be inviting ex's, but he's just not getting that this rule means that he will also not be invited.

Should I be more direct even if it means hurting his feelings (he's overly sensitive) or should I just ignore it and face whatever uncomfortable email I have coming after he realizes he wasn't invited?  What would you guys do/say?
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Re: Ex asking to attend my wedding.

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Yes, I would be more direct. Not sure why you should have to be or how much more direct you CAN be if you already told him you won't be inviting exes, though. Next time, remind him of that and say that the subject is closed.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    I have a friend who had a very similar situation. She stayed friends with her fiancé. When she got married, she emailed him to let him know that he wasn't invited. The fact that she addressed this via email upset him. I'd say something to him discreetly.




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    NymeruNymeru member
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    If you've been friends for 8 years, I feel like that should trump the ex status, unless you're not really very good friends. Is your FI uncomfortable with your ex on a personal level? I understand not wanting to risk an opportunity for drama to occur on your wedding day, so the question is, do you actually want your ex there, or are you using the "no ex" rule as a way to easily not include him without getting personal? Either way, you need to address this head-on. He seems to be very happy for you and wants to share in your happiness (as any good friend would). I can understand why he thinks he should be invited if you've been friends for so long. While it's not polite for him to be pushy about being invited, it's also not going to make him feel very good about your friendship when you don't invite him. If you really are his friend, you should talk to him.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited August 2014
    If there's only friendship between you and your ex to the point that there is no danger of one or both of you wanting there to be more than that between you, and if, under those circumstances, you were friendly enough with him that he would otherwise be invited if he were not an ex, then I'd consider inviting him along with any new SO he has.  I'd only invoke a "no ex" rule with any particular ex if there's no or insufficient friendship and either hard feelings or ongoing attraction on either or both sides.

    But if you really don't want to invite him for other reasons besides his being an ex, then yeah, I think you need to be crystal clear that he's not invited: "John, I'm sorry, but it isn't possible for FI and I to invite you, so we aren't sending you an invitation."
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    H went to his ex's wedding, and she married his former roommate that she began dating a week after the break-up. Now, granted, the wedding took place some 4-5 years after that and now, 4 years later, we're all reconciled and friends.

    I'm not saying this to say you have to invite him, only to point out that being an ex doesn't necessarily dictate not getting an invitation.

    In any case, if you're not inviting him, you'll need to specify that next time he brings it up. "I'm sorry, but we were not able to invite everyone." Don't give a reason beyond what you've already said.
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    IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 member
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    edited August 2014
    He's your "ex" because you dated him for four months eight years ago? Were you engaged? Did you live together? What is the definition of "ex" these days??
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    casey8784casey8784 member
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    One of my ex's and I dated 10-11 years ago when we were in college, for MAYBE 4 months, might've been a bit shorter. Can't remember. Anyway, we became much better friends after we broke up, so much that a couple years ago I was a bridesmaid when he and his then-fiancee (who I've become good friends with as well) got married. They're both invited to my wedding in October. FI and I never made an "official rule" that exes are not invited, but it turned out that we're not inviting any with this couple as the exception. I believe it's since we think of them as good friends instead of "my ex and his wife"...
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    IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 member
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    Someone you used to be in a relationship with, and now are not. EX boyfriend/ ex significant other.

    Are you judging their 4 month relationship, 8 years ago?

    I suppose I am, but I'm also thinking there must be some statute of limitations on the term. There are likely other dating relationships in the intervening years. Is every past date an "ex"?
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    jacques27jacques27 member
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    edited August 2014
    I'm just going to go with 8 years on the dot.  That's 96 months you've known him.  92-96 months ago, you dated him for four months.  So about 4% of the time you've known him you were dating and that was 7 and 2/3rds years ago.  The other 96% of the time, you've been pretty solid friends, and presumably this isn't a friendship you have been hiding from your fiance.

    Yeah, it's a little tacky he keeps asking, but this isn't a guy who you dated for five years and was engaged to and bought a house and a cat together.  Why not honor the 96% of the time you've been solid friends and invite him?  Instead of making a one size fits all blanket judgment call on all "exes" (sorry, I barely consider people I date for four months "boyfriends", let alone refer to them as an "ex" after we've parted ways...if I refer to them at all, they are "guys I dated a long time ago"), and talk with your fiance about making an exception since clearly this is so far in the past and you've had a good friendship since.
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    lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    edited August 2014
    Be more direct with him if it comes up again. I wouldn't bring it up out of the blue. 

    And I don't see an issue with not inviting an ex (or someone you dated for a bit or hooked up with that one time). But then, I don't fully understand being wonderful friends with those people either. I guess I'm super insecure or something, but I wouldn't want my fiance to be good friends with any of his exes. Friendly? Cool. Best buds? Uh... no. Invited to our wedding? Definetely not. 
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    jacques27 said:
    I'm just going to go with 8 years on the dot.  That's 96 months you've known him.  92-96 months ago, you dated him for four months.  So about 4% of the time you've known him you were dating and that was 7 and 2/3rds years ago.  The other 96% of the time, you've been pretty solid friends, and presumably this isn't a friendship you have been hiding from your fiance.

    Yeah, it's a little tacky he keeps asking, but this isn't a guy who you dated for five years and was engaged to and bought a house and a cat together.  Why not honor the 96% of the time you've been solid friends and invite him?  Instead of making a one size fits all blanket judgment call on all "exes" (sorry, I barely consider people I date for four months "boyfriends", let alone refer to them as an "ex" after we've parted ways...if I refer to them at all, they are "guys I dated a long time ago"), and talk with your fiance about making an exception since clearly this is so far in the past and you've had a good friendship since.
    Because she is honoring her FI more.   Which would be more important to you, the FI or a friend who is an ex?

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    photokittyphotokitty mod
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    If you are willing to lose a friend over this, then don't invite your friend/ex. If you don't want to lose a friend then you need talk to your FI.

    If my friend of 8 years, who I dated a measly 4 months didn't invite me to their wedding I would probably not be friends with them after the wedding...unless it was a private ceremony with only family.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    jenajjthrjenajjthr member
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    pinkshorts27 said:
    jacques27 said:
    I'm just going to go with 8 years on the dot.  That's 96 months you've known him.  92-96 months ago, you dated him for four months.  So about 4% of the time you've known him you were dating and that was 7 and 2/3rds years ago.  The other 96% of the time, you've been pretty solid friends, and presumably this isn't a friendship you have been hiding from your fiance.

    Yeah, it's a little tacky he keeps asking, but this isn't a guy who you dated for five years and was engaged to and bought a house and a cat together.  Why not honor the 96% of the time you've been solid friends and invite him?  Instead of making a one size fits all blanket judgment call on all "exes" (sorry, I barely consider people I date for four months "boyfriends", let alone refer to them as an "ex" after we've parted ways...if I refer to them at all, they are "guys I dated a long time ago"), and talk with your fiance about making an exception since clearly this is so far in the past and you've had a good friendship since.
    Because she is honoring her FI more.   Which would be more important to you, the FI or a friend who is an ex?
    But he is barely an "ex." He's more like a male friend and the FI is using the term "ex" to exclude him. If this was an ex that she had dated longer, been friends less long than "ex's", more serious, etc, than I can give the FI more points for wanting to exclude him. 

    OP, if you really want your friend there, I would suggest sitting down with FI and have a serious conversation about why a friend is being excluded. Yes you dated for a very brief time, but that was almost a decade ago. Then listen to his reasons. Hopefully he will see that what you had doesn't really qualify as a true ex. If you don't want your friend there, then be more direct about not being able to invite everybody you want. Be aware that your friendship might suffer for it though. 
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    jenajjthr said:
    pinkshorts27 said:
    jacques27 said:
    I'm just going to go with 8 years on the dot.  That's 96 months you've known him.  92-96 months ago, you dated him for four months.  So about 4% of the time you've known him you were dating and that was 7 and 2/3rds years ago.  The other 96% of the time, you've been pretty solid friends, and presumably this isn't a friendship you have been hiding from your fiance.

    Yeah, it's a little tacky he keeps asking, but this isn't a guy who you dated for five years and was engaged to and bought a house and a cat together.  Why not honor the 96% of the time you've been solid friends and invite him?  Instead of making a one size fits all blanket judgment call on all "exes" (sorry, I barely consider people I date for four months "boyfriends", let alone refer to them as an "ex" after we've parted ways...if I refer to them at all, they are "guys I dated a long time ago"), and talk with your fiance about making an exception since clearly this is so far in the past and you've had a good friendship since.
    Because she is honoring her FI more.   Which would be more important to you, the FI or a friend who is an ex?
    But he is barely an "ex." He's more like a male friend and the FI is using the term "ex" to exclude him. If this was an ex that she had dated longer, been friends less long than "ex's", more serious, etc, than I can give the FI more points for wanting to exclude him. 

    OP, if you really want your friend there, I would suggest sitting down with FI and have a serious conversation about why a friend is being excluded. Yes you dated for a very brief time, but that was almost a decade ago. Then listen to his reasons. Hopefully he will see that what you had doesn't really qualify as a true ex. If you don't want your friend there, then be more direct about not being able to invite everybody you want. Be aware that your friendship might suffer for it though. 
    I guess I'm barely married, because it's only been 2 months. Guess what, if I were to get divorced tomorrow, my husband would still be my EX husband.

    The OP gets to define her relationships, and she used the term ex. It's not up to you.
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    JellyBean52513 said:
    @jenajjthr why is he "barely" an ex, because they only dated for 4 months? Pretty sure a 4-month relationship warrants recognition in any other context on this board... Also, the OP never indicated that this decision was entirely her FI's and that HE'S the one choosing to exclude her friend. In fact, she said "My fiance and I have agreed." I'm really confused as to why everybody is putting words in the OP's mouth and offering advice that she didn't ask for, consequently fabricating a problemthat doesnt exist! If the OP said, "My fiance and I agreed that only immediate familywould be invited but my sorority sister from college keeps asking for an invite, how do I tell her she wont be getting one?" would ANYBODY here be telling her that she needs to talk to her FI about this, and not extending an invite to a friend who keeps fishing for one could alter their friendship? Hell no! Since when do we tell posters that they should extend invites to friends who fish for them? Like, never.
    Yes all of this.

    If the OP said: "My FI doesn't want my friend of 8 years to come to the wedding because I dated him for 4 months, and we agreed no ex's would come to the wedding" I would have different advice.
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    IrishPirate60 said:
    Someone you used to be in a relationship with, and now are not. EX boyfriend/ ex significant other.

    Are you judging their 4 month relationship, 8 years ago?

    I suppose I am, but I'm also thinking there must be some statute of limitations on the term. There are likely other dating relationships in the intervening years. Is every past date an "ex"?

    ___________________________________________________________________________

    No. Every person I've dated for 3 months or more, I consider an ex boyfriend. 

    Someone I went on a couple dates with is not an ex, just some guy I went out with a couple times.

    But I get to define my relationships.

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    M1ssJM1ssJ member
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    If it helps... one of my "exes" came to our wedding. We agreed on certain people that wouldnt be invited like H's former fiance. But this ex that I date long distance during freshman year of college and have remained friends with for years including phone calls and lunch dates, was more of a friend than and ex. When I brought his name up on the guest list my FI didnt even remember he was my ex and referred to him as the "guy from Boston". My point is I think this depends more on how your FI feels about your relationship with your ex/friend. If FI is uncomfortable then he still an ex so no invite. If not, give that man a chicken plate.
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    jerkyannejerkyanne member
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    pinkshorts27 said:
    jacques27 said:
    I'm just going to go with 8 years on the dot.  That's 96 months you've known him.  92-96 months ago, you dated him for four months.  So about 4% of the time you've known him you were dating and that was 7 and 2/3rds years ago.  The other 96% of the time, you've been pretty solid friends, and presumably this isn't a friendship you have been hiding from your fiance.

    Yeah, it's a little tacky he keeps asking, but this isn't a guy who you dated for five years and was engaged to and bought a house and a cat together.  Why not honor the 96% of the time you've been solid friends and invite him?  Instead of making a one size fits all blanket judgment call on all "exes" (sorry, I barely consider people I date for four months "boyfriends", let alone refer to them as an "ex" after we've parted ways...if I refer to them at all, they are "guys I dated a long time ago"), and talk with your fiance about making an exception since clearly this is so far in the past and you've had a good friendship since.
    Because she is honoring her FI more.   Which would be more important to you, the FI or a friend who is an ex?
    THIS.

    And also, it's always talked on here about not judging relationships of 4 months when regarding inviting people's significant others (Which I agree with), why judge it in this sense?  If the rule was made between her and her fiance, there was probably a reason.

    I'm decent friends with one of my exes.  He will not be attending my wedding because my fiance doesn't want him there.  It is my fiance's wedding too. 
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    YourDogDontKnowSitYourDogDontKnowSit member
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    There's lots of weird judging on here... The OP defines the guy as an ex because they didn't just go out on a couple of dates, they were dating for 4 months. Most Knotties would agree that two people who have been dating for 4 months and call themselves "in a relationship" should be invited to a wedding together (and I agree), so why are the same two people not exes when they've broken up after those 4 months? Don't those in the know on etiquette constantly preach that no one should judge the validity of another couple's relationship? Does that only apply to wedding invites? 

    No where in the OP did she say that she wanted her ex to come or that she was upset about this rule. My FI and I have the same "rule" at our wedding, although neither of us have any exes that we're still in contact with anyway, but we've agreed that no one we've dated or hooked up with should be in attendance as we feel it's inappropriate. It works for us and we I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone else institute this rule for their wedding guest list, but if two people have agreed on it, why is it a bad thing? Different people have different limits in their relationships and as long as both halves of the relationship agree, it should be fine. 

    That said, OP - do you want to invite this ex? Or are you okay with him being excluded (as your post suggests)? If you're fine with it, I would be direct and remind him that your exes, including himself, are not invited. Apologize if there are any hurt feelings, but don't beat around the bush. If you wish he could come, talk to your FI, but honestly if my FI came to me and wanted to change our agreement, I'd have a problem with it. I guess you'd have to weigh your ex's feelings against your FI's in that case.
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    biggrouchbiggrouch member
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    edited August 2014
    OP -- I agree that it's weird and kind of silly that people are judging you for referring to him as an "ex." For one thing, if you and your fiance agreed on no exes, and then you invited him without telling your fiance and tried the "But it was only four months eight years ago" rationale to excuse it, I'm pretty sure he would be mad, and no one here would blame him.

    On the other hand, I do find it super weird to make a rule like this. If you were asking for advice on this part, I'd suggest you both agree on who is and is not appropriate to invite without making up rules for each other, based on the balance between respecting each other's individual outside friendships and respecting each other's possible feelings of jealousy. Outlawing people from each other's lives or the wedding just because you dated them seems a bit controlling and old-fashioned to me? Presumably your fiance wouldn't have jealous feelings about someone who is so clearly just your friend at this point.

    On the other OTHER hand, if your friend keeps saying "Don't forget to invite me" despite the fact that he clearly is aware of the "no exes" rule, and he's so "sensitive," aka touchy, that you're afraid to just be honest with him because he might pitch a fit, he sounds like someone you SHOULD cut from the wedding guest list. He sounds like someone who doesn't really respect boundaries. Some exes are exes for a good reason :)
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    jacques27jacques27 member
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    pinkshorts27 said:
    jacques27 said:
    I'm just going to go with 8 years on the dot.  That's 96 months you've known him.  92-96 months ago, you dated him for four months.  So about 4% of the time you've known him you were dating and that was 7 and 2/3rds years ago.  The other 96% of the time, you've been pretty solid friends, and presumably this isn't a friendship you have been hiding from your fiance.

    Yeah, it's a little tacky he keeps asking, but this isn't a guy who you dated for five years and was engaged to and bought a house and a cat together.  Why not honor the 96% of the time you've been solid friends and invite him?  Instead of making a one size fits all blanket judgment call on all "exes" (sorry, I barely consider people I date for four months "boyfriends", let alone refer to them as an "ex" after we've parted ways...if I refer to them at all, they are "guys I dated a long time ago"), and talk with your fiance about making an exception since clearly this is so far in the past and you've had a good friendship since.
    Because she is honoring her FI more.   Which would be more important to you, the FI or a friend who is an ex?
    Actually, all of my relationships are important to me.  And I'm not big on blanket one-size-fits-all rules.  The world is so rarely black and white. 

    I'm not saying this is the case of the OP, but if it were the situation where my FI said "You two used to date and I don't want him there," and I replied back "But that was almost eight years ago and for only a few months and he's been a great friend since then," and it was still a blanket "NO!" then I would probably be wondering why my FI is so insecure about it and question whether or not I want to bond myself for life to such insecurity. 

    Meanwhile, if it was a scenario of being the guy she dated right before her FI and this guy hasn't been that good of a friend, and maybe has some lingering feelings or maybe he spent some time in the early stages of her relationship with her FI trying to break them up and get back together with her even though he's over it now, then I could see why that would make someone uncomfortable and honor the wishes of my FI.

    It's not black and white and she didn't provide enough details to know for certain.  All I'm really advocating for is not having one-size-fits-all rules.  Look at the relationships individually.  She used the word friend to describe this guy.  He's clearly invested in her life with her FI and wants to see his friend get married.  Assuming she hasn't hidden this friendship from FI, there should be nothing for him to worry about.  Someone else said "We wouldn't tell people inviting significant others to judge how important the relationship is and label it", but that's what she's doing sort of in reverse.  She slapped a label "ex" on him for a few months of dating 8 years ago and is refusing to take it off despite the fact that he's had the label "friend" for 94% of their relationship.

    Now, if she legitimately doesn't want him there for other reasons "He's kind of a shitty friend" or "He always acts inappropriately at parties" or "We've already reached the fire code capacity", then by all means just provide a brief, but firm I'm sorry, but no.  But if it's just the "ex" label thing, I'm just advocating for taking off the one-size-fits-all rule and treating friendships with the common courtesy and individual consideration they deserve.  If it still results in him not being invited, fine, but at least then it's because he's been considered as a person and the role he now plays in OP's and FI's life, not because of a label slapped on him eight years ago.
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    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
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    edited August 2014
    jacques27 said:


    pinkshorts27 said:


    jacques27 said:

    I'm just going to go with 8 years on the dot.  That's 96 months you've known him.  92-96 months ago, you dated him for four months.  So about 4% of the time you've known him you were dating and that was 7 and 2/3rds years ago.  The other 96% of the time, you've been pretty solid friends, and presumably this isn't a friendship you have been hiding from your fiance.

    Yeah, it's a little tacky he keeps asking, but this isn't a guy who you dated for five years and was engaged to and bought a house and a cat together.  Why not honor the 96% of the time you've been solid friends and invite him?  Instead of making a one size fits all blanket judgment call on all "exes" (sorry, I barely consider people I date for four months "boyfriends", let alone refer to them as an "ex" after we've parted ways...if I refer to them at all, they are "guys I dated a long time ago"), and talk with your fiance about making an exception since clearly this is so far in the past and you've had a good friendship since.

    Because she is honoring her FI more.   Which would be more important to you, the FI or a friend who is an ex?

    Actually, all of my relationships are important to me.  And I'm not big on blanket one-size-fits-all rules.  The world is so rarely black and white. 

    I'm not saying this is the case of the OP, but if it were the situation where my FI said "You two used to date and I don't want him there," and I replied back "But that was almost eight years ago and for only a few months and he's been a great friend since then," and it was still a blanket "NO!" then I would probably be wondering why my FI is so insecure about it and question whether or not I want to bond myself for life to such insecurity. 

    Meanwhile, if it was a scenario of being the guy she dated right before her FI and this guy hasn't been that good of a friend, and maybe has some lingering feelings or maybe he spent some time in the early stages of her relationship with her FI trying to break them up and get back together with her even though he's over it now, then I could see why that would make someone uncomfortable and honor the wishes of my FI.

    It's not black and white and she didn't provide enough details to know for certain.  All I'm really advocating for is not having one-size-fits-all rules.  Look at the relationships individually.  She used the word friend to describe this guy.  He's clearly invested in her life with her FI and wants to see his friend get married.  Assuming she hasn't hidden this friendship from FI, there should be nothing for him to worry about.  Someone else said "We wouldn't tell people inviting significant others to judge how important the relationship is and label it", but that's what she's doing sort of in reverse.  She slapped a label "ex" on him for a few months of dating 8 years ago and is refusing to take it off despite the fact that he's had the label "friend" for 94% of their relationship.

    Now, if she legitimately doesn't want him there for other reasons "He's kind of a shitty friend" or "He always acts inappropriately at parties" or "We've already reached the fire code capacity", then by all means just provide a brief, but firm I'm sorry, but no.  But if it's just the "ex" label thing, I'm just advocating for taking off the one-size-fits-all rule and treating friendships with the common courtesy and individual consideration they deserve.  If it still results in him not being invited, fine, but at least then it's because he's been considered as a person and the role he now plays in OP's and FI's life, not because of a label slapped on him eight years ago.


    _________________________________________
    Her reason is legitimate. She made an agreement with her FI. She didn't once seem upset about not inviting him. If this is her agreement (she doesn't seem like she was strong armed into it), then we should respect that.

    She may have used friend to describe the guy, but she also used ex to describe him.

    You may not fucking like it, but since she doesn't seem upset about it, you should get over it.

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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    Well if "not inviting exs" trumps "8 year friend", then, OP, you should just tell that to this "friend".  Next time he fishes for an invite (which is rude of him), be direct again.   Of course, if you are having a small wedding with say, just your BFFs, then omitting him (and other friends) is acceptable.  But otherwise, I could understand why he would be hurt if all your other friends are invited.  It may ruin the friendship, but it sounds like you're ok with that since you and FI set such unbendable rules and you are not fighting to have him there anyway.
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    IrishPirate60 said:

    He's your "ex" because you dated him for four months eight years ago? Were you engaged? Did you live together? What is the definition of "ex" these days??

    Ex meaning no longer together means a person you were formerly in a romantic relationship with, in this instance, and are now no longer seeing.

    How is the length of their relationship even relevant?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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