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Self-invited?

Hey all,
My fiancee and I were recently invited to a big blow out wedding.  She was bridesmaid to the bride, and bride is bridesmaid in our upcoming wedding.  Let's call her Kate.  Kate's parents are very big on entertaining, limit Kate's friends, and invite the full families of all the groomsmen and bridesmaids instead.  FI's parents and siblings are invited, who admittedly barely know Kate's parents beyond a "We used to chat a little after we dropped you off at their house" type of thing.  FI does not feel especially close to them either.

Our wedding is a more intimate affair.  Nobody in the bridal party's parents are being invited (with the obvious exception of relatives). 

Kate's parents went up to FI's family at the reception and mentioned that, "We see Kate got her Save the Date, we are so excited to receive ours given that our families will be at each other's weddings" type of thing, thinly veiled threat.  FI's parents felt threatened and embarrassed about this "gaffe" on their part (both sets of our parents handed us a list, very reasonable I might add, of "required" friends and Kate's parents were in nobody's mind then) and have instructed us to take off two close friends off the guest list for them, which unfortunately we did (they had not yet received Save the Dates, thankfully). 

Our question is this.  The damage is done, but is there an implication that if one family is invited to the wedding, the other's entire family must be as well?  Is this etiquette?  We are drawing the line at parents (Kate has grown siblings).

Re: Self-invited?

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    Hey all,
    My fiancee and I were recently invited to a big blow out wedding.  She was bridesmaid to the bride, and bride is bridesmaid in our upcoming wedding.  Let's call her Kate.  Kate's parents are very big on entertaining, limit Kate's friends, and invite the full families of all the groomsmen and bridesmaids instead.  FI's parents and siblings are invited, who admittedly barely know Kate's parents beyond a "We used to chat a little after we dropped you off at their house" type of thing.  FI does not feel especially close to them either.

    Our wedding is a more intimate affair.  Nobody in the bridal party's parents are being invited (with the obvious exception of relatives). 

    Kate's parents went up to FI's family at the reception and mentioned that, "We see Kate got her Save the Date, we are so excited to receive ours given that our families will be at each other's weddings" type of thing, thinly veiled threat.  FI's parents felt threatened and embarrassed about this "gaffe" on their part (both sets of our parents handed us a list, very reasonable I might add, of "required" friends and Kate's parents were in nobody's mind then) and have instructed us to take off two close friends off the guest list for them, which unfortunately we did (they had not yet received Save the Dates, thankfully). 

    Our question is this.  The damage is done, but is there an implication that if one family is invited to the wedding, the other's entire family must be as well?  Is this etiquette?  We are drawing the line at parents (Kate has grown siblings).

    I'm sorry but I really could not follow your post.

    Are you saying that you attended a wedding for Kate and at this wedding her parents went up to your FI parents and basically was like "you better invite us or else?"  And now your FI parents are going a long with this dumb shit because?  Why?

    Look you invite who you want.  The whole idea of inviting every single family of every single wedding party member is completely crazy unless of course you all are super close friends or are family yourself.

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    Sort of where I stand...but even worse, they didn't assume Kate's "Save the Date" (not the best term to use an acronym for, huh) was for the family, they were thinly hinting they thought it was rude that only Kate/Kate's husband were to be invited, not them. So a passive aggressive "we can't wait for ours" as in, "how dare you not send one to us as well after we invited your whole family to our blow out affair". Parents are mortified and they are paying for a portion of it, so unfortunately the invitation mandate has come down from them and we are stuck. I was trying to see if maybe we had made a mistake by not thinking of them earlier...
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    Hey all,
    My fiancee and I were recently invited to a big blow out wedding.  She was bridesmaid to the bride, and bride is bridesmaid in our upcoming wedding.  Let's call her Kate.  Kate's parents are very big on entertaining, limit Kate's friends, and invite the full families of all the groomsmen and bridesmaids instead.  FI's parents and siblings are invited, who admittedly barely know Kate's parents beyond a "We used to chat a little after we dropped you off at their house" type of thing.  FI does not feel especially close to them either.

    Our wedding is a more intimate affair.  Nobody in the bridal party's parents are being invited (with the obvious exception of relatives). 

    Kate's parents went up to FI's family at the reception and mentioned that, "We see Kate got her Save the Date, we are so excited to receive ours given that our families will be at each other's weddings" type of thing, thinly veiled threat.  FI's parents felt threatened and embarrassed about this "gaffe" on their part (both sets of our parents handed us a list, very reasonable I might add, of "required" friends and Kate's parents were in nobody's mind then) and have instructed us to take off two close friends off the guest list for them, which unfortunately we did (they had not yet received Save the Dates, thankfully). 

    Our question is this.  The damage is done, but is there an implication that if one family is invited to the wedding, the other's entire family must be as well?  Is this etiquette?  We are drawing the line at parents (Kate has grown siblings).


    Kate's parents sound pushy and presumptuous. You shouldn't have had to bump friends from the guest list for them. But, no, the entire family does not need to be invited.
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    Sort of where I stand...but even worse, they didn't assume Kate's "Save the Date" (not the best term to use an acronym for, huh) was for the family, they were thinly hinting they thought it was rude that only Kate/Kate's husband were to be invited, not them. So a passive aggressive "we can't wait for ours" as in, "how dare you not send one to us as well after we invited your whole family to our blow out affair". Parents are mortified and they are paying for a portion of it, so unfortunately the invitation mandate has come down from them and we are stuck. I was trying to see if maybe we had made a mistake by not thinking of them earlier...
    Yeah, no you did not make a mistake. Kate's parents are being completely ridiculous and asses actually.

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    I'm sorry but I really could not follow your post.

    Are you saying that you attended a wedding for Kate and at this wedding her parents went up to your FI parents and basically was like "you better invite us or else?"  And now your FI parents are going a long with this dumb shit because?  Why?

    Look you invite who you want.  The whole idea of inviting every single family of every single wedding party member is completely crazy unless of course you all are super close friends or are family yourself.
    You have it perfectly right.  We attended Kate's wedding, and it was there that Kate's parents coerced their way on to our list, since FI's parents were invited (FI's parents and Kate's parents are not close on that level either, they just invited the families of local bridal party members, including siblings).  As a sad note, Kate and Kate's husband seemed to get very few friends, outside of the bridal party, at their wedding because of this.
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    beetherybeethery member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014

    I'm sorry but I really could not follow your post.

    Are you saying that you attended a wedding for Kate and at this wedding her parents went up to your FI parents and basically was like "you better invite us or else?"  And now your FI parents are going a long with this dumb shit because?  Why?

    Look you invite who you want.  The whole idea of inviting every single family of every single wedding party member is completely crazy unless of course you all are super close friends or are family yourself.
    You have it perfectly right.  We attended Kate's wedding, and it was there that Kate's parents coerced their way on to our list, since FI's parents were invited (FI's parents and Kate's parents are not close on that level either, they just invited the families of local bridal party members, including siblings).  As a sad note, Kate and Kate's husband seemed to get very few friends, outside of the bridal party, at their wedding because of this.
    Kate's parents are dicks and that is not your responsibility or problem to deal with.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
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    You do not need to invite Kate's parents to your wedding. They can talk all they want, but that is their problem if they feel they should have been invited. Take off Kate's parents from the guestlist and restore the two friends who were removed. When you send out invitations, just explain to Kate, if she RSVPs for 4, that the invitation was for her and H alone. I did invite my BFF's parents to my wedding. But they were like a 2nd set of parents to me. I did not invite any other parents of WP members though.
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    I invited my bridesmaids parents, but that's because I wanted to. We were college roommates, so I knew her parents and family well. My sister had 6 in her wedding party. I think she only invited the parents of one of her bridesmaids, and that's only because they are very close family friends.

    Kate's parents are not entitled to be invited.
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    Kate's parents are completely out of line.

    With that said, if your Fiance's parents are paying for the wedding and they want to put Kate's parents on the list in place of one of their other friends who has not yet been invited, they have the right to do that. If I were your FIs parents I wouldn't let people push me around like that but it's ultimately their call.
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    Kate's parents have no right to expect an invitation.

    Your FI's parents should not have demanded that you take two people off your guest list to make room for them.  I'd handle it by asking them which two of their friends or relatives they want to remove from the guest list but make clear that none of your friends or relatives will be removed to make room for these people.
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    I think in the some parts of the south it is traditional to invite the parents of the WP members, so maybe that is why they are assuming they are invited. Still, you shouldn't make assumptions like that, and demanding to be invited is pretty rude. I would let Kate know that her parents won't be invited and figure she will let them know. You aren't obligated to invite them.
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    I think in the some parts of the south it is traditional to invite the parents of the WP members, so maybe that is why they are assuming they are invited. Still, you shouldn't make assumptions like that, and demanding to be invited is pretty rude. I would let Kate know that her parents won't be invited and figure she will let them know. You aren't obligated to invite them.
    That's interesting.  I will see if they are from the South.  We live in California, though, so if they are holding us to Southern etiquette that seems a bit misguided...
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    I think in the some parts of the south it is traditional to invite the parents of the WP members, so maybe that is why they are assuming they are invited. Still, you shouldn't make assumptions like that, and demanding to be invited is pretty rude. I would let Kate know that her parents won't be invited and figure she will let them know. You aren't obligated to invite them.
    That's interesting.  I will see if they are from the South.  We live in California, though, so if they are holding us to Southern etiquette that seems a bit misguided...
    They might be unaware that it isn't common practice everywhere, sort of how some people have never been to a wedding without a dollar dance. Which highlights my second part. Tradition is not the same as etiquette. Etiquette says you do not rudely demand invitations and that invitations are not tit for tat.
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    This will depend on the person. One of my friends is currently going through a divorce, and she was posting pics yesterday regarding her FSIL's shower (her brother is engaged) and genuinely looks happy for her. I agree with PPs, though. Give it some time; you don't need your bridal party picked out yet.
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    This will depend on the person. One of my friends is currently going through a divorce, and she was posting pics yesterday regarding her FSIL's shower (her brother is engaged) and genuinely looks happy for her. I agree with PPs, though. Give it some time; you don't need your bridal party picked out yet.

    SITB and too lazy to fix: @sarahbear31, letting you know that somehow TK decided to put your post about a divorced bridal attendant on a thread about bridesmaid's parents self-inviting. It made me LOL.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    Or it just might be that my brain is shut off for the weekend, *snort*
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