Am I a jerk if I skip favours?

amelisha

I'm having a small destination wedding with immediate family and 16-20 friends. They're all staying in hotels of their choosing (it's Vegas, and most of our guest list has strong preferences for accommodation there, so no room block was going to be possible for the 10-14 rooms we'll need total), so welcome bags would be nearly impossible to organize, and I've decided not to do it (especially as we'll only be there for 4 days and are bringing carry-ons only, and some of our guests will arrive days before we will.) But with no welcome bags are people going to be unhappy that I don't want to do favours either?

It's not the cost of them, it's just transporting to Vegas in the first place, then distributing,then forcing everyone to carry whatever it is around all day and all night as we go from chapel to restaurant to party bus. But is it rude not to do them? I just don't think anyone going is going to want to carry around even, like, a souvenir shot glass with some chocolate in it or whatever, and I don't think even carting around a bag of mini-champagne bottles to give out after dinner seems necessary when I've booked a bus already stocked with it for after dinner.

I just want everyone to be comfortable, obviously, and I don't think having to stuff a favour into a little purse or a pants pocket all night is going to help with that. Nor is handing out warm champagne or even 2oz bottles of hard alcohol that they may or not even like (especially with the amount of drinking that's already going on...it's Vegas). But is it ungracious not to give out a favour of any kind? Especially because there's no logistical way to make a welcome bag work?

The only other thing that's occurred to me is to call all the hotels ahead of time and have chocolate covered strawberries or something in everyone's room on arrival? I'm happy to do it if it is the polite thing to do, but that's going to be a bit more expensive than a typical favour. Thoughts?

climbingsingle

IMO, it's totally fine to skip the favors. I do like the idea of having the hotels put something in their room. If you can swing it, that would be nice. 

kmmssg

Doing nothing is absolutely fine, but I would be freaking thrille to find the berries in my room.

martha1818

Honestly, if there were no favours I wouldn't even notice. IMO people notice things like gaps or cash bars; I don't think not getting a little trinket at the end of the night would be something people would worry about

huskypuppy14

Favors and gift bags are optional. I didn't do favors, but I did do gift bags for the hotels. Don't worry about it.

dcbride86

I don't think it's a big deal, but I do think a small favor would be nice, particularly since everyone is flying in.  I've seen some destination wedding favors that play on where the wedding is, so something Vegas related could be really cute.  You could check with your hotels and see if they will store a box of favors there - they might be willing to do so, as long as they aren't too big. 

 

Again, though, I really don't think it's a big deal not to do favors.  If you think they're more trouble than they are worth, don't do them!

peachy13

Honestly, I think I would be kind of annoyed if I was your guest, not regarding favors, but regarding the lack of a welcome bag. Normally I don't think it's a big deal, just a nice touch, but for a destination wedding, I feel like that changes things a bit. I think the strawberries would be a really nice touch.

Sorry, I'm extra snarky on this matter because I went to a DW this year and it sucked. Everyone spent a small fortune to go celebrate the B&G and they did nothing to thank their guests (except sent TY cards four months later...).

[Deleted User]

I have a novelty poker chip that I got in Vegas.  The center image is the Vegas sign, and the whole thing is a magnet on my fridge.  I love it.  It's small, it's silly, it's Vegas, and it's a remembrance of your wedding.

Though I have to agree with PPs that if you don't have anything, I don't think anyone is going to notice.  I'm more likely to notice that my purse was four times heavier than necessary because I had two candles and a couple bags of melted M&Ms than I would notice that I got nothing.  As long as you buy me a nice meal and some delicious beverages, I'll be fine.

cowgirl8238

Favors and welcome bags are never necessary.  We didn't have "favors" at our wedding, just an awesome dessert bar (pastries/candies/cake/etc) and had doggie bags people could fill to take stuff home in if they wanted.  It worked out well and we had very little left over.  If you go favor/welcome gift go edible...that is always a favorite of most people!

huskypuppy14

peachy13 said:

Honestly, I think I would be kind of annoyed if I was your guest, not regarding favors, but regarding the lack of a welcome bag. Normally I don't think it's a big deal, just a nice touch, but for a destination wedding, I feel like that changes things a bit. I think the strawberries would be a really nice touch.

Sorry, I'm extra snarky on this matter because I went to a DW this year and it sucked. Everyone spent a small fortune to go celebrate the B&G and they did nothing to thank their guests (except sent TY cards four months later...).

They didn't have a reception?

peachy13

huskypuppy14 said:

peachy13 said:

Honestly, I think I would be kind of annoyed if I was your guest, not regarding favors, but regarding the lack of a welcome bag. Normally I don't think it's a big deal, just a nice touch, but for a destination wedding, I feel like that changes things a bit. I think the strawberries would be a really nice touch.

Sorry, I'm extra snarky on this matter because I went to a DW this year and it sucked. Everyone spent a small fortune to go celebrate the B&G and they did nothing to thank their guests (except sent TY cards four months later...).

They didn't have a reception?

It was at an all-inclusive resort, and the reception was at one of the on-site restaurants, so we had already paid for our own food and drinks....

ohsoridiculous

Skip it.  At the last wedding I went to, the bride and groom left cards at each place setting saying that in lieu of favors, a generous donation had been made to the local Humane Society.  I love that all the money went to a good cause rather than to favors.

amelisha

peachy13 said:

Honestly, I think I would be kind of annoyed if I was your guest, not regarding favors, but regarding the lack of a welcome bag. Normally I don't think it's a big deal, just a nice touch, but for a destination wedding, I feel like that changes things a bit. I think the strawberries would be a really nice touch.

Sorry, I'm extra snarky on this matter because I went to a DW this year and it sucked. Everyone spent a small fortune to go celebrate the B&G and they did nothing to thank their guests (except sent TY cards four months later...)

I get this perspective, but if we're providing limo transportation all day, dinner and open bar at a restaurant, and a limo bus tour of the Strip with more alcohol, does that qualify as "nothing" as a thank you? I was under the impression that the reception is the thank you.  Dinner and drinks will be well taken care of and it's not like your example, at an all-inclusive resort where we don't actually pay for it, you know?

We chose Vegas specifically so that no one was obligated to spend a week at the same resort doing the same things as the entire group (and no one was obligated to stay a specific length of time or spend a specific amount of money). Everyone has been before, some people more than once and some people more than once a year, and they don't need or want maps or the tacky souvenirs that they're already purchased on previous trips. I just can't see that giving them playing cards or commemorative glasses is going to be more of a "thank you" than dinner/drinks/limo tour already is...but this is why I posted this, because I wanted to make sure my guests wouldn't feel like you feel, and it's given me something to think about, anyway.

I don't think there's any possible way to do the bags as we'll have 10-14 rooms in at least 6 different hotels at this point, and some of our guests will arrive long before we do. If I do anything Vegas-themed, it would have to wait until we got there (defeating the purpose of the bag), and with all the different hotel policies on this sort of thing, trying to mail them ahead of time and risking breakage/non arrival/the things just not being placed in the right room on the right day seems like a disaster waiting to happen to me. It would be different if we were all going on the same flight on the same day and staying in the same place, I know, but as things are I really don't know how I would ensure that everyone actually got what I'd intended.

Not trying to be unnecessarily argumentative and I want to host my guests properly, but to me part of that is being sensitive to all these factors I've mentioned. And I hate junk/knick-knacks of any kind, personally, so I don't want to foist that stuff on people if it's not strictly necessary, which all you other posters seem to reassure me it isn't.

mimivac

The welcome bag doesn't have to have trinkets or a bunch of stuff they would have to take home. I would do things that they would consume there. A mini bottle of sparkling wine, snacks for when they get back to the room, gourmet tea if the rooms have a coffeemaker, a nice body lotion to use, water bottles, etc. When my boyfriend and I got back to the hotel after his sister's wedding, we stayed up late and were starving. A goodie bag with some cookies, and drinks would have been great.

amelisha

mimivac said:

The welcome bag doesn't have to have trinkets or a bunch of stuff they would have to take home. I would do things that they would consume there. A mini bottle of sparkling wine, snacks for when they get back to the room, gourmet tea if the rooms have a coffeemaker, a nice body lotion to use, water bottles, etc. When my boyfriend and I got back to the hotel after his sister's wedding, we stayed up late and were starving. A goodie bag with some cookies, and drinks would have been great.

I do understand that, but I think it's logistically prohibitive for all the reasons I mentioned, from luggage space on our end to early arrivals to multiple hotels, plus time constraints or shipping issues. The welcome bag is just not an option. There is just no possible way to make it happen unless we arrive days earlier than planned, which we cannot do thanks to vacation time constraints.

The favours are the thing that's up for debate here - something small to give out on the day of the wedding when we actually have everyone in one place. But like I said, I just can't see it as polite to make people carry something around for 8 hours plus.

mimivac

I hear you. I don't think they are necessary given all your other accommodations, just wanted chime in that welcome bags don't have to be useless stuff!

amelisha

I'd like to be able to do them as I do think they make more sense and are more useful than favours, and actually your post did give me a bit of a lightbulb moment - would it maybe be nicer to have something like the chocolate-covered strawberries or similar be placed in everyone's rooms on the actual day of the wedding, so they can return to the room at the end of the night and have them there, or would that be weirder?

Knowing our friends and Vegas, something like that might be lost on them as they stumble in at 6AM the next morning with Gatorade and pizza clutched in their drunk arms, but I wonder if it would be a thoughtful addition for the parents at least....

mrstrevor3

Not really! Favors are not required for guests comfort...it's just an extra thing to do if you want. You are all good

amelisha

That gif! YES.

jacques27

Favors are not required.  It is not a breach of etiquette to not have favors, so you are perfectly fine.  Plus, just like you don't want to transport them there, your guests likely don't want to have to travel back with them.

Ditto with welcome bags.

Your chocolate covered strawberries idea is lovely though, if your budget permits, but certainly is not necessary if it's going to be a financial hardship.

I would not recommend "in lieu of favor" donations though, as one PP suggested.  It can be seen as tacky to brag about your charitable giving and rude to tell someone that you thought about spending money on them, but opted not to instead. 

XrebeccaX

Skip it. We had a DW and did not do favors (there were welcome trays in the rooms with tea/coffee, chocolate biscuits, water, etc courtesy of the venue, and we paid for parents'/wedding party accommodations) because it just didn't make sense to tote stuff on a plane.

The berries would be delightful if you want to do them, but if it's cost prohibitive I wouldn't stress about it!

huskypuppy14

ohsoridiculous said:

Skip it.  At the last wedding I went to, the bride and groom left cards at each place setting saying that in lieu of favors, a generous donation had been made to the local Humane Society.  I love that all the money went to a good cause rather than to favors.

No don't do this. You never say sorry guys we donated the money we would have spent on you.  How come no one ever says, instead of a wedding dress, the bride donated money to X?

Viczaesar

ohsoridiculous said:

Skip it.  At the last wedding I went to, the bride and groom left cards at each place setting saying that in lieu of favors, a generous donation had been made to the local Humane Society.  I love that all the money went to a good cause rather than to favors.

Donations are awesome.  Donations in lieu of favors are inappropriate.  Announcing that you did a donation in lieu of favors is attention whore-ish.  If you want to make a donation to your favorite cause feel free!  Just don't do it in lieu of favors for your guests, and definitely don't tell them you're doing it in lieu of favors.  Favors are not required, so just don't do favors and do your donation out of the goodness of your heart, unrelated to your wedding.  If you really want to make a donation related to your wedding do it in lieu of something that actually affects you, not your guests - like instead of buying a wedding dress, or instead of flowers.

larrygaga

Give me edible favors or give me death (nothing)!!!

God I hate when I get garbage as favors. 

amelisha

scribe95 said:

Look if you don't want to do favors then don't but you are kind of stretching for excuses. I mean if there is a limo all night they can put it in there. Or make it an edible favor and then they don't have to carry it around. Voila! Done!

Not the same limos. Different ones to the restaurant, to the chapel, and for the tour.

I don't really think it's stretching to think it might be annoying for someone to have to keep track of something for 8+ hours over three different locations in dressy clothes. I'd be annoyed, personally, even if it was food, which not everyone is going to eat immediately.

Would you really think it wouldn't be annoying to have to do that?

abbyj700

Honestly most favors I've got at weddings I've left on the table or tossed. That's the main reason we're not having favors - they're a waste of money. I'd rather spend another dollar or two a person to have better food and booze to thank my guests instead of something cheap and non personal that they'll stick in a drawer, throw away or not take with them.

amelisha

scribe95 said:

Look, you clearly don't want to do them and have all your sound reasons not to. So why did you post this again? I personally would provide them - especially since they are low cost. But you don't have to. That has been covered. 

I posted to make sure it wasn't a breech of etiquette. If my replies had indicated it was, I would provide favours even if I think they're irritating and silly. I don't know much about wedding etiquette at all, so I didn't know until I posted it...which is, clearly, why I posted it.

I'm not sure why you seem to be so put out that I've since replied to some of the comments regarding my post even though I've received a general consensus, though. I dunno, I feel like if you say I'm "stretching for excuses", it's not surprising that I might want to respond to that.

Thanks to everyone for their input and for reassuring me they aren't necessary.

hellohkb

Favors are never necessary. Only do them if you'd like. They were historically done so that rich party throwers could further show off their wealth by giving their guests small gifts.

wrigleyville

Vegas bride here!

We didn't do actual favors, since nobody wants a drink koozie or useless trinket with your name and wedding date on it. Plus, as you said, people only have so much room in their carry-ons.

Instead, we had our baker bake some extra cupcakes, and we had cupcake boxes (provided by the baker at no charge) set out by the table so people could take cupcakes back to their hotel room. We also had a candy buffet with cellophane bags. One of the candy bowls was filled with gold-wrapped chocolate coins, to keep with the Vegas theme, and we even found some chocolate poker chips wrapped in tin foil that looked like a poker chip design. So we grabbed some of those too.

Everyone likes food. You can't go wrong with food.

Bottom line: you don't have to have favors, but if you still feel weird about it, hopefully those suggestions will help you.

Ndelible

I never even considered favors for our DW in Vegas.... yes, I did, in the beginning matchbooks or playing cards.  Then I thought that's lame to have our names on those things.  And what a waste of money.  Almost all of our guests will be flying in. Everyone these days is trying to carry on their luggage.  No need to give them anything more to worry about.  

Strawberries in the room by the hotel won't run under $25/room.  That's crazy money.  Spend it elsewhere..

Skip them.  Don't feel guilty.  Your day sounds fantastic.  Rock it.

Or serve some jordan almonds.  Everyone loves those.  Right?

amelisha

Thanks, Vegas ladies! We're not doing anything in-suite or in any private space at all with anywhere to set anything up, just a regular restaurant and ordering off the menu (so no cake or anything or anywhere to put candy), but that does sound good. If we had somewhere to put it that would be the perfect solution.

Even at $30/room for strawberries,though, for us that'll be max, what, $400? Considering how much money we're saving having such a small destination wedding, I might still spring for it, as I think the entire thing is still well under $5000.

I'm pretty torn. Maybe I'll just walk around with my dad's insulated cooler backpack the day before and hand out booze to all our guests if we run into them. Haha.