To be (a giant bitch) or not to be...

jenna8984

My brother and I were always really close forever. When his first child was born I was the first to know and practically helped raise him for two years.

Since he got remarried 2 years ago its like my brother has dropped off the Earth. I never see or hear from him, despite living 2 miles away and me extending invites.

Their first child together was born 9 months ago and I got a text AFTER she was born. I didn't even know they were in labor. I told him that it hurt my feelings and that I'd like to be kept updated on these things because I love them.
Cut to right now on lunch break, I just found out after 200 people on Facebook that they are expecting. I know its not the adult thing to do but I so badly want to comment on it something like "thanks for letting the family know first". I know it would only cause drama but dammit I'm pissed off. And I'm just hurt that he's not my same brother as a fee years ago, who called me with everything and always stopped by my house. Ugh.

doeydo

Unless anything happened, it sounds like he might be in a controlling and potentially abusive marriage.  Abusers cut their SO off from their friends and family.  IDK what to really do though, other than being there for him.

sarawifenow

I'm sorry. This really sucks. I would maybe send him a text so that it is not public. Say something like, "Congratulations on the great news! I do feel bad that I had to find out on facebook, though."

KatieinBkln

That sucks.

I would probably express your displeasure to him personally, rather than on FB (don't want to start a shitshow among strangers, I'm thinking). But honestly, if he didn't take it to heart when you told him how you felt about not knowing about his wife's labor, I doubt he'll change much this time. I'm sorry, that is a shitty feeling. 

lacqueredlover

Don't post the comment.  It sucks but all it will do is cause drama for you.  Be upset because it's shitty that he's changed so much with getting remarried and maybe try to find a time for just the two of you to talk.  Be honest with him, don't attack him but more of a "I would really love to be involved with your life again and be a part of your family."

Sorry you have to deal with this, that sucks.

southernbelle0915

If you actually want to change things going forward, a passive aggressive post on Facebook is probably the worst way to make that happen. 

Try talking with your brother about your feelings - when you aren't mad. What it boils down to is that you miss him in your life. That's the message.

ETA: the conversation should be in person and private. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Don't start a fight in public. You'll end up looking like the asshole, not him. I would say something in person though.

It sucks that he seems to have forgotten that family still wants to be involved, even if they're not needed as badly as before. It happens a lot though.

esstee33

jenna8984 said:

My brother and I were always really close forever. When his first child was born I was the first to know and practically helped raise him for two years. Since he got remarried 2 years ago its like my brother has dropped off the Earth. I never see or hear from him, despite living 2 miles away and me extending invites. Their first child together was born 9 months ago and I got a text AFTER she was born. I didn't even know they were in labor. I told him that it hurt my feelings and that I'd like to be kept updated on these things because I love them. Cut to right now on lunch break, I just found out after 200 people on Facebook that they are expecting. I know its not the adult thing to do but I so badly want to comment on it something like "thanks for letting the family know first". I know it would only cause drama but dammit I'm pissed off. And I'm just hurt that he's not my same brother as a fee years ago, who called me with everything and always stopped by my house. Ugh.

I wouldn't call him out on FB about it, but I'd absolutely text him and be like "WTF, dude?"

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs. FB isn't the place to do it, but I think you should address this with him. 

Vivandiere8

jenna8984 said:

My brother and I were always really close forever. When his first child was born I was the first to know and practically helped raise him for two years. Since he got remarried 2 years ago its like my brother has dropped off the Earth. I never see or hear from him, despite living 2 miles away and me extending invites. Their first child together was born 9 months ago and I got a text AFTER she was born. I didn't even know they were in labor. I told him that it hurt my feelings and that I'd like to be kept updated on these things because I love them. Cut to right now on lunch break, I just found out after 200 people on Facebook that they are expecting. I know its not the adult thing to do but I so badly want to comment on it something like "thanks for letting the family know first". I know it would only cause drama but dammit I'm pissed off. And I'm just hurt that he's not my same brother as a fee years ago, who called me with everything and always stopped by my house. Ugh.

I understand your frustration with the facebook announcement. People do that a lot know and it feel so impersonal, especially when it comes to close family. If we had to do it the old fasioned way the phone calls would go to family first, then friends, etc.

But... if by coment you mean comment on his status with those words? Don't do it! As much as you want to! Because another problem with facebook is issues and problems that should stay between two or three people are aired for the world to see, and it becomes far more embarrassing, over blown, and gets too many people involved. Just say something in private if you must, but I would drop it and just be happy for them.

Second, I know it's hard for you haveing your brother become more distant, but it's actually the natural course of things. Mothers, sisters, brothers, the world over have felt a distancing when there brother/sister has gotten married and things changed. It sounds like with the first child maybe he wasn't married? so he depended more on the help and advice of his sister. But when you are married and have your best friend you love right there with you... naturally that changes, as it should. So many brides have come on here complaining that the man's mother/sister is upset because she feels she has been replaced, and is now causeing issues showing her jealousy. I'm not trying to say you have no reason to feel a little hurt. He might be a little more considerate, and I agree announcing a pregnancy for the first time on face book before telling people you are close with is a litle tacky but the other things.. not so much. I know whenever my mother went into labor the last thing my parents were worrying about was making sure everyone knew she was in labor. They always contacted everyone after the baby was born. My dad was more concerned about being there with her rather than stepping out and making phone calls (of course before the time of cell phones that wasn't as convenient). I don't believe anyone is owed a phone call when someone goes into labor. That's a personal desision between the father and mother.

doeydo

Also, if I was in labor, I wouldn't want my SO telling people because I don't want them showing up at the hospital or anything.  

lovegood90

That must be so frustrating to feel so disconnected to him when you were once so close! I agree with PPs about fighting the urge to make a snarky comment on FB. A call or a text to talk it out/find out what's up would be better.

RebeccaFlower

Don't post a comment because like PPs said, it only makes you look bad. 

I would ask him to dinner and tell him you need to talk. Sending a bitchy text will only help the small issue here rather than the much larger issue of lack of relationship. I would also be upset, but maybe since it's the second child they're just throwing it out there. Plus, some people just aren't thoughtful about stuff like that. My grandmother found out thru me that my cousin was engaged because I saw it on facebook and mentioned it. 

bethsmiles

That really sucks, but I agree with PPs that you are much better off addressing this in person (and in private) than airing out your family's dirty laundry on Facebook. It's unfortunate that your brother has distanced himself from you but causing drama on Facebook isn't going to bring him back. It will only make you look bad and is unlikely to make him reconnect with you. People don't usually respond well to being guilted into things.

jenna8984

Thanks everyone! I did send the "wtf" text and all he had to say was "we didn't tell anyone". Ok that doesn't make me feel better but whatever.
I won't say anything on FB but I won't be congratulating them on there either. I know I probably sound immature for not being excited about the news. I'm just honestly bitter at where our relationship has gone in the past two years. I know things change when you get older and get married but you shouldn't go from seeing your sister twice a week to twice a year.

Sugargirl1019

I would not say anything on FB, it is childish to be passive aggressive in such a public place. I agree to send a private message and ask to come visit - and then you could have a private discussion with your brother about not telling the family first and how hurtful it is. Try not to get argumentative though, you'd only push him farther away. I can't quite put my finger on why he's become so distant, but maybe he's just so absorbed into this new life and his family comes second now. I might ask if there's anything wrong, because it's a little purposeful that he did not tell the family first.

novella1186

I'm sorry  

As an adult, he should know better. You don't let your family find out huge news along with hundreds of strangers via social media. He should have had the sense to call you and tell you first. If I did this to my family they would be so sad. 

I agree with PPs, it seems like the best way for you to move forward would be to have a very honest, private conversation with him. What's his wife like? Do you think she's the one influencing him to be distant from you? Do you get along with her? 

esstee33

jenna8984 said:

Thanks everyone! I did send the "wtf" text and all he had to say was "we didn't tell anyone". Ok that doesn't make me feel better but whatever. I won't say anything on FB but I won't be congratulating them on there either. I know I probably sound immature for not being excited about the news. I'm just honestly bitter at where our relationship has gone in the past two years. I know things change when you get older and get married but you shouldn't go from seeing your sister twice a week to twice a year.

I'd probably respond with something like "why WOULDN'T you tell your family??" 

I mean, it's kind of a major life event, so you'd think that he would realize how important it would be to you, but I guess he's just totally oblivious. 

climbingsingle

My feelings would be really hurt too. I'm sorry. 

jenna8984

scribe95 said:

My feelings would be hurt as well that family was treated the same as acquaintances on FB.

But overall I'm not surprised that after getting married he has developed a stronger relationship with his wife and is spending less time with his sister. That seems natural. I do think it's natural to blame the wife but your brother is an adult. These are his choices too.

I agree. I never said it was wife's fault or anything. She seems nice to me in person and doesn't seem abusive or like she's "keeping him away" or anything like that. The both of them just have VERY flakey personalities. It's not that they are doing these things on purpose, they just honestly don't think of people other than themselves.

They thought each other invited me to nephew's birthday so neither of them double checked or invited me! They have stood up my grandparents on Christmas and other things because they just felt like going to the movies instead or something ridiculous. My family members are constantly asking me if he is coming to events because the both of them just suck at returning phone calls or emails, and if they do show up they waltz in late because they just don't feel like they have obligations to anyone. He was always sort of like this but his first wife was better about keeping him in line and keeping plans. Now that this wife matches his flakiness, it has just taken over.

novella1186

jenna8984 said:

scribe95 said:

My feelings would be hurt as well that family was treated the same as acquaintances on FB.

But overall I'm not surprised that after getting married he has developed a stronger relationship with his wife and is spending less time with his sister. That seems natural. I do think it's natural to blame the wife but your brother is an adult. These are his choices too.

I agree. I never said it was wife's fault or anything. She seems nice to me in person and doesn't seem abusive or like she's "keeping him away" or anything like that. The both of them just have VERY flakey personalities. It's not that they are doing these things on purpose, they just honestly don't think of people other than themselves.

They thought each other invited me to nephew's birthday so neither of them double checked or invited me! They have stood up my grandparents on Christmas and other things because they just felt like going to the movies instead or something ridiculous. My family members are constantly asking me if he is coming to events because the both of them just suck at returning phone calls or emails, and if they do show up they waltz in late because they just don't feel like they have obligations to anyone. He was always sort of like this but his first wife was better about keeping him in line and keeping plans. Now that this wife matches his flakiness, it has just taken over.

I was just asking because I was curious to know if something had caused him to start acting different towards you, or if it was just one of those things that kind of happens over time. Again, I'm sorry you found out via facebook. I would feel bad too in your place. 

jenna8984

When I get pregnant I will tell you all before him JK....maybe! lol

Thanks for all the advice as always!

ashley8918

doeydo said:

Unless anything happened, it sounds like he might be in a controlling and potentially abusive marriage.  Abusers cut their SO off from their friends and family.  IDK what to really do though, other than being there for him.

I don't think that anything in her post indicated this. What a weird conclusion to jump to.

PrettyGirlLost

jenna8984 said:

Thanks everyone! I did send the "wtf" text and all he had to say was "we didn't tell anyone". Ok that doesn't make me feel better but whatever. I won't say anything on FB but I won't be congratulating them on there either. I know I probably sound immature for not being excited about the news. I'm just honestly bitter at where our relationship has gone in the past two years. I know things change when you get older and get married but you shouldn't go from seeing your sister twice a week to twice a year.

This.

Something is up, that is apparent.  What it is, I can't speculate.  When was the last time you have seen your brother?  The last time you were able to get together with him without his wife?

I come from a very close  family and I don't agree with PP's that it's the natural order of things for children and siblings to drift apart.  Nope, not if everyone was always close and made an effort to remain so.

Do you think you'd be able to get together with just your brother and find out what the deal is?

ETA: Oh if he and his wife are both flakey, then that just might be it, plus having kids.  But you shold still try and talk to him and let him know you'd like to make an effort to see him a little more.

theartistformerlyknownas

I'll totally tell you first when I get KU.

beethery

Your brother sucks.

Apparently, he also has humongous balls. Nervy as fuck to not let you know first as family, and then a couple months ago he asked you to engage in insurance fraud?

Fuck that dude.

theartistformerlyknownas

beethery said:

Your brother sucks.

Apparently, he also has humongous balls. Nervy as fuck to not let you know first as family, and then a couple months ago he asked you to engage in insurance fraud?

Fuck that dude.

Ohhh yeah I forgot about that. Way to only come around when you need something, bro.

I think we might have the same brother.

OnionBreath

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I agree that I wouldn't make a snarky comment on facebook, but I'd try to fit it into a future conversation with him. What about a letter at Christmas time just telling him you miss being close and hope 2015 brings a lot of family time again?

lc07

It sounds to me like your brother doesn't understand your concern.

Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you didn't necessarily expect to know the second THEY knew, but you wanted to be told personally before it hit FB. Even if that was only 10 minutes prior to FB knowing.

My best friend is pregnant and had this happened in another relationship or years ago I think she would have told me right when she found out. But her and her H decided they weren't going to tell anyone about the pregnancy until they cleared the first trimester. I respect their decision. She told me in a group text with two other close friends and before it was FB public. 

I think it's natural that the dynamic has changed between you and your brother now that he is married to someone else and has to take their wishes into consideration first and foremost particularly when it comes to something so personal. 

Obviously, it sounds like there are other issues between you and your brother and I would make sure I was clear in addressing what you'd like your relationship to be in ways that still allow them to maintain their ability to have a private life.

jenna8984

@lc07 Exactly! I didn't need to know 2-3 months ago when they found out but seriously call me 5 minutes before you're about to post that shit on FB is not too much to ask. lol 

@prettygirllost Yes, you totally get where I'm coming from. I try to invite him over for dinner and stuff all the time and he just blows me off. On Saturday I went out to breakfast near his work and hadn't seen him in 2 months since my wedding so I decided to stop by his work with an egg sandwich for him. Well he was out on a test drive with a customer so I left it on his desk. Didn't get a thank you text or anything.

@beethery Dude yes- he seriously sucks. He doesn't hang out with me anymore because he's so busy with his 8 sports leagues and being a flake yet he asks me to babysit all the time, and to do things like insurance fraud! Maybe in his mind, asking me to babysit IS his way of thinking he's asking me to hang out...but to me it's a slap in the face. I offered to babysit on their wedding anniversary so they could have a romantic dinner. I showed up and his best friend and BF's wife were sitting there ready to go to dinner. I was like WTF dude, I wouldn't have offered so you could go hang out with your buddies. Because if that was the case, why not have invited me and my husband along? Grrrrr.

smalfrie19

Btw, i went back and read the insurance thread. I mean WTF. and to then be MAD about you not wanting to break the law?!?! yeah no. I know you were close, but I would start not caring that much. But that's just me.