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Friend is getting married - not inviting SO?

emmiejayneemmiejayne member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So my friend is getting married (woopeeee!), she sent me a beautiful invitation but nothing for my SO/FH.  To put this into perspective, we were all friends together in school, we've known each other for around 5+ years. I want to be there, to support her.  I get it's rude, and he's upset (but won't admit it), too.  How do I react to this? Do I call her out on it? I don't want to be selfish, as it's their day and I still love her to bits.  I don't want to sound bratty.  I want to be there to support her.  Help?
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Re: Friend is getting married - not inviting SO?

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    emmiejayne said:
    So my friend is getting married (woopeeee!), she sent me a beautiful invitation but nothing for my SO/FH.  To put this into perspective, we were all friends together in school, we've known each other for around 5+ years. I want to be there, to support her.  I get it's rude, and he's upset (but won't admit it), too.  How do I react to this? Do I call her out on it? I don't want to be selfish, as it's their day and I still love her to bits.  I don't want to sound bratty.  I want to be there to support her.  Help?

    I'd ask her politely. If she says no, just say thank you and return your RSVP regret.
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I'm with PPs -- ask politely if he is invited, and if she says no, I'd decline. 
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  • emmiejayneemmiejayne member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Why decline? (I probably will, but just curious as to your reasoning, if it's the same as mine)
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  • emmiejayneemmiejayne member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    You're sure it wouldn't sound stroppy? Like, "you're not letting me get my own way, so mneerrr"?

    I'll probably decline, because it's upsetting, you know? Does he really mean that little to you? Do we (as in, FH and I) and our relationship mean that little to you?
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    emmiejayne said:
    You're sure it wouldn't sound stroppy? Like, "you're not letting me get my own way, so mneerrr"?

    I'll probably decline, because it's upsetting, you know? Does he really mean that little to you? Do we (as in, FH and I) and our relationship mean that little to you?


    No I don't think it would sound that way because you don't have to give her a reason why you aren't coming, or make a big deal about it.

    She is being the rude one by not inviting him.

    image
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  • emmiejayneemmiejayne member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Alright.  Thank you guys for the help :) I'm wary of hurting feelings of stepping on toes.  xxx
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    emmiejayne said:
    I'll probably decline, because it's upsetting, you know? Does he really mean that little to you? Do we (as in, FH and I) and our relationship mean that little to you?

    This is why.
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You're sweet. But if her feelings are hurt, it's not your fault.
    She has no good reason for disregarding your relationship.

    It's not that you aren't "getting your way." It's that your entire social unit was not invited to a social event and you do not like the idea of accepting the "hospitality" of someone who won't welcome your other half.


    If she does confront you and ask the reason for your decline, and if you tell her and then she tries to rationalize it and make you feel guilty... don't let her.
    "You have to understand, weddings are expensive..."
    "We only have so much room in our venue..."

    She chose to have a venue too small for everyone's SOs. She chose to have a venue too expensive to feed her guests' SOs. This is on her.


    One thing you COULD do to smooth the waters is say, "I would love to come to your ceremony if SO and I are both welcome."
    Odds are the ceremony is free. So unless there are space concerns, then you are supporting her on her day but then you get to spend the evening with your SO.
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
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    emmiejayne said:
    Alright.  Thank you guys for the help :) I'm wary of hurting feelings of stepping on toes.  xxx
    While I wouldn't advocate answering rudeness with more rudeness, it's always a good idea to stand up for yourself. Like @aurianna said, it's her own fault if her feelings are hurt that you're not coming. 
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    Agree with everyone else. She's the one offending you and disrespecting your relationship, so you have no place feeling bad about hurting HER feelings.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    It's crazy rude of her to not invite your FI. Ditto PPs - I'd ask for clarification, and if he's not invited, I would decline. She obviously didn't take your feelings into consideration when she neglected to incude to your SO. 
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  • KaurisKauris member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    When you return the RSVP envelope with a decline, there is nothing specifying why, so you aren't being rude in response. You have your reasons for not going and they are valid, just like having a previous engagement at the same time would be a valid reason. Besides, if she's daft enough not to invite SOs, then she probably won't think too much of your decline.
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  • Fran1985 Fran1985 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    emmiejayne said:
    Alright.  Thank you guys for the help :) I'm wary of hurting feelings of stepping on toes.  xxx

    But didn't she hurt your feelings and your FI feelings? I wouldn't call her screaming or anything, but she is the one that hurt you. All your doing by declining is refusing to go further in hurting your FI feelings.

    image
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Invites are not subpoenas or a summons like jury duty.  You do not have to explain why you are not attending. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'd ask for clarification first because it might be a misunderstanding, but if your SO is indeed not invited, then you should decline the invitation (no need to give a reason). This isn't about "getting your way." It's about refusing to accept the lack of respect your friend is showing for your relationship with your SO. 
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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I would double check because maybe someone else addressed them and forgot? That kind of stuff is easy to mess up. 

    If she says he's not invited, that's an automatic decline. I couldn't support someone on the union when they're completely disreguarding mine. 
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  • weddingcactusweddingcactus member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Answer
    I think your friend was very rude and you and your fiance have ever right to be hurt. You are under no obligation to attend if you do not want to (or your fiance will be hurt if you do without him). I would definitely call up your friend and ask politely "I didn't see <insert fiance's name> on the invitation. Are we invited together?" If she says "no" I'd probably pause for a minute (to insert awkward silence) and then say "Oh really?. Ok." And then leave it at that. If she wants to talk about it further, then I think it'd be fair to explain that you are hurt that your fiance is not invited to share in witnessing their union and leave it at that. She will either defend her rudeness (probably budget) or apologize and make room for your fiance. From there you can accept or decline as you prefer. Whether I would go might depend on how much I value the friendship to ignore such a rude slight. 
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    weddingcactus said:
    I think your friend was very rude and you and your fiance have ever right to be hurt. You are under no obligation to attend if you do not want to (or your fiance will be hurt if you do without him). I would definitely call up your friend and ask politely "I didn't see <insert fiance's name> on the invitation. Are we invited together?" If she says "no" I'd probably pause for a minute (to insert awkward silence) and then say "Oh really?. Ok." And then leave it at that. If she wants to talk about it further, then I think it'd be fair to explain that you are hurt that your fiance is not invited to share in witnessing their union and leave it at that. She will either defend her rudeness (probably budget) or apologize and make room for your fiance. From there you can accept or decline as you prefer. Whether I would go might depend on how much I value the friendship to ignore such a rude slight. 
    Agree with you that that's a good way to handle it. However to the bolded- I would never be able to value a friendship with someone who didn't respect my relationship while expecting me to celebrate theirs. That's not a good friend.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


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  • emmiejayneemmiejayne member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Thank you all :) I did ask (via text) she sent me one back that "she'll just go check the list", which says to me that he's not and she's thinking up how to say no.

    I'll still help her with the pre-wedding stuff (to be fair, DIY artsy fartsy stuff is my jam), but I don't think I'll be going.

    Thanks again, guys.  I'm a total people pleaser, but this has given me the balls to say "nope.  Not this time!"  FI has made it clear that it's entirely my decision, but I know he'd appreciate it if I didn't.
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  • MadHops21MadHops21 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    lovegood90 said:
    emmiejayne said:
    Thank you all :) I did ask (via text) she sent me one back that "she'll just go check the list", which says to me that he's not and she's thinking up how to say no.

    I'll still help her with the pre-wedding stuff (to be fair, DIY artsy fartsy stuff is my jam), but I don't think I'll be going.

    Thanks again, guys.  I'm a total people pleaser, but this has given me the balls to say "nope.  Not this time!"  FI has made it clear that it's entirely my decision, but I know he'd appreciate it if I didn't.

    Good for you for standing your ground!

    About the bolded, though, I think helping her with wedding stuff still kind of sends her the message that what she's doing is okay. I'd decline participating any of those "helping out" activities as well. Just send her a congrats and a gift if you really want to, but I'd steer clear of any involvement in the wedding at all.

    I second this. While you are being a really really nice friend, it could support her actions, even though she's wrong. 
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
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  • Fairyjen1Fairyjen1 member
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        Sometimes people just don't know how to address invites. Many, many years ago I was invited to a co-workers wedding sans BF or even an 'and guest'. BF at the time wasn't into weddings anyway (he was relieved at being left off) so I went without. While there the bride asked me where BF was. I told her he wasn't on the invite so we assumed he wasn't invited. Her response was 'Of course he was invited!' We thought you would know that!'. 

         In this case it sounds like the omission was deliberate and the bride is either checking to see if there's room or thinking up an excuse. If I were in the situation my husband probably wouldn't go anyway, he works a lot of weekends. If he was working anyway and I was free I might go. I don't really get insulted that easy even though I probably should. Otherwise I'd decline because with our schedules we only do things together if we have the same day off. I don't want to waste time at someone's wedding without my husband if he happens to be free that day. 
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