Tell me if I'm overreacting

anrforanr

Looking for honesty here...I can handle it. But also advice.

I want to preface this by saying that I know I cannot technically dictate what anyone but BD wears to the wedding.

FMIL went dress shopping without my knowledge, even after her and my mom had made unofficial plans to go together, and I had expressed interest in going together (not so I could dictate, just something fun). That's not really the part that makes me mad. She texted me after the fact saying she found her dress for the wedding (great!). I asked to see it...so she sends me pictures. It is a very very light blush color, with a white lace overlay. Everyone who has seen the pictures (about 5 people) have said it looks like a wedding dress...so it's not just me. It does. And it's final sale. 

Things have transpired that I would prefer not to get in to. Just want to know all your opinions and what you would do. Thanks in advanced!

lovegood90

I would do nothing. You are still the bride. Everyone knows it's you getting married. Just let it go and don't say anything. If it truly does look identical to a wedding dress, she will be the one who looks slightly silly.

People on these boards always say "you can't control the actions of others; you can only control your reactions." I would take that advice.

.defunct635833965868395700

Do you have a link to the dress?

huskypuppy14

If it does look like a wedding dress, she'll look ridiculous, and you'll still be the bride.  There is nothing you can do.

anrforanr

I've tried to adopt the mentality that she'll look ridiculous. But my mom, my sister, and FI are all furious at her, so it is getting hard for me to keep calm. They are all completely against her wearing it to the wedding. My addiction to the knot has helped me be a little more calm about it, but since when isn't it common etiquette to not wear white to a wedding?

And FI did make a comment to her (not super gracefully I'll add)...and her "justification" was "It's ivory, not white, so it's ok".

Also, I'd post a picture but it is not flattering on her, so I don't want to embarrass her by posting it all over the internet. There will be enough at the wedding.

Dreamergirl8812

Knottie21498222 said:

I've tried to adopt the mentality that she'll look ridiculous. But my mom, my sister, and FI are all furious at her, so it is getting hard for me to keep calm. They are all completely against her wearing it to the wedding. My addiction to the knot has helped me be a little more calm about it, but since when isn't it common etiquette to not wear white to a wedding?

And FI did make a comment to her (not super gracefully I'll add)...and her "justification" was "It's ivory, not white, so it's ok".

Also, I'd post a picture but it is not flattering on her, so I don't want to embarrass her by posting it all over the internet. There will be enough at the wedding.

Do you know where she got it so we can see it on a rando model?

MairePoppy

Would I wear and ivory dress to my son's wedding? NO! It's still a thing with everyone I know that only the bride wears white. And sorry, ivory is white.

Is there anything you should do about it? NO! You can't tell another adult what to wear. Your fi already made a comment (not that he should have, but I'm glad he did) and she isn't listening. Let her make a fool of herself.

Tell everyone,  your mom included, that you don't want them to bring it up again because it upsets you when you're trying to rise above. 

On your wedding day, everyone will know who the bride is. And if you pretend not to notice the MIL is wearing a white dress, they will think you're a very classy, gracious bride.

 

SP29

Good advice to tell those around you to stop bringing it up, because it is upsetting you and you would rather like to just let it go. 

You really can't do anything about it- she can and will wear what she wants. If the dress does look bridal, she'll be the one who looks silly and everyone knows you are the bride.

Deep breath, glass of wine. 

.defunct635833965868395700

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Knottie21498222 said:

I've tried to adopt the mentality that she'll look ridiculous. But my mom, my sister, and FI are all furious at her, so it is getting hard for me to keep calm. They are all completely against her wearing it to the wedding. My addiction to the knot has helped me be a little more calm about it, but since when isn't it common etiquette to not wear white to a wedding?

And FI did make a comment to her (not super gracefully I'll add)...and her "justification" was "It's ivory, not white, so it's ok".

Also, I'd post a picture but it is not flattering on her, so I don't want to embarrass her by posting it all over the internet. There will be enough at the wedding.

Do you know where she got it so we can see it on a rando model?

Yes, that is what I was asking. Picture of the dress, not the picture of her wearing the dress.

SammiNJonni

I would never wear any shade of white to another persons wedding. Having said that there is nothing you can do about it and she will look ridiculous. Ask your family to stop bringing it up so you can move past it. 

anrforanr

Thanks everyone. 

@dreamergirl8812 and @sj613 - I couldn't find the dress. I don't know where she got it, or what brand it is.

banana468

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but I do judge those who wear bridaly dresses to a wedding. And a mom should know better.

AddieCake

Just let it go. You are all wasting energy on caring about it.

drunkenwitch

I honestly can't wrap my head around people being "furious" over a dress. It's.A.Dress. if an adult wants to dress like a jackass, then that reflects poorly on them. I also don't buy this outshine the bride bullshit. Your guests are there to see you get married, someone's dress is not going to stop them.

allispain

MairePoppy said:

Would I wear and ivory dress to my son's wedding? NO! It's still a thing with everyone I know that only the bride wears white. And sorry, ivory is white.

Is there anything you should do about it? NO! You can't tell another adult what to wear. Your fi already made a comment (not that he should have, but I'm glad he did) and she isn't listening. Let her make a fool of herself.

Tell everyone,  your mom included, that you don't want them to bring it up again because it upsets you when you're trying to rise above. 

On your wedding day, everyone will know who the bride is. And if you pretend not to notice the MIL is wearing a white dress, they will think you're a very classy, gracious bride.

 

All of this - particularly the bolded. 

lyndausvi

allispain said:

MairePoppy said:

Would I wear and ivory dress to my son's wedding? NO! It's still a thing with everyone I know that only the bride wears white. And sorry, ivory is white.

Is there anything you should do about it? NO! You can't tell another adult what to wear. Your fi already made a comment (not that he should have, but I'm glad he did) and she isn't listening. Let her make a fool of herself.

Tell everyone,  your mom included, that you don't want them to bring it up again because it upsets you when you're trying to rise above. 

On your wedding day, everyone will know who the bride is. And if you pretend not to notice the MIL is wearing a white dress, they will think you're a very classy, gracious bride.

 

All of this - particularly the bolded. 

this, this this.

I would never wear a white dress to a wedding.  That said, I didn't get mad when someone wore white at my own wedding.  it's so not a big deal.

Getting upset over a color of a dress is very much a First World Problem.  It's a dress. Seriously, let it go.

Unpopular, but I do not think these mom's look tacky.  I think they all look confident in their chosen attire.

[Deleted User]

danamw

If the dress, or the picture is not flattering to her, all the better!

I feel your pain, but I promise, I guarantee you, no one is going to mistake her for the bride. Everything the ladies say is true. She will be the one side-eyed, if at all, for wearing white at a wedding.

[Deleted User]

Yeah, you're over-reacting. As PPs have said, no one is going to look at her and become confused as to whose wedding it is. You are going to be the beautiful bride and it will be very clear. Let FMIL wear whatever she wants. My grandmother (dad's side) wore white to my parent's wedding. My mom STILL talks about it and I think it's kind of petty of her. 

jacques27

Pretty much agree with everyone else.  Also...

According to your sig, you have six plus months to go.  She might decide she hates the dress.  She might gain weight and it won't fit (more than it already doesn't fit). She might be out shopping and find a completely different dress that she falls in love with and changes her mind and buys that.  Or none of that happens and she does end up in this dress after all.  The point is, things can change and even if they don't, that's a really long time to think about/stew/worry about something as inconsequential as someone else's clothing choice.

Kahlyla

Maybe it's really blue and black and she only thinks it's ivory!

redwoodoriginal

My MIL wore an off white dress to our wedding. My Aunt-IL wore a true white dress to our wedding. It never occurred to me to be upset about it or to think that ppl may not know who was getting married.

Tell your angry ppl to calm down and let it go, as you have done, and let her be.

Jessie42613

lyndausvi that those moms look nice.  But I also have a feeling that at some point a quick conversation was had, and it went a little something like this:

Mom: Hey bride, what do you think of this outfit?

Bride: It's white

Mom: Yeah, but I really like it and feel great in it.. would you mind?

Bride *has typical, "no one else should wear white" thoughts for a hot minute, then comes to her senses*: Not at all, you look beautiful.

OP, I think the girls here have it covered.  What's done is done.  But I sympathize with you because if I thought I was going to have a fun girl's day with my mom and FMIL, then FMIL suddenly went off to do her own thing, and ended up with a white ivory lace dress that you only found out about after the fact, I'd be bummed.

Edited for clarity

wrigleyville

I think a blush dress with an ivory overlay won't look quite as bridal as you're thinking. As you can see by those other pictures, it's obvious that one is a bride and one is the MOB wearing a very pretty dress.

southernbelle0915

Overreacting.

I always do a double take on people wearing white to weddings. I know people can wear whatever they want but I do kind of side eye it. And I'm not alone. You can bet a lot of people would side eye an MOG wearing a dress that looks like a wedding dress. It'll reflect best on you if you say nothing. People will make comments to you - smile and say it doesn't bother you.

jenijoyk

This exact thing happened to me. Exact. Thing. FMIL wore a floor length, "light blush" dress. And really, it was fine. She looked and felt great, no one noticed, our family pictures from the day look great. 

But I totally understand you - at first I was annoyed. Because.... really? But what can you. This will not be the last thing about your wedding that will go wrong. 

As the wedding approached I actually started to get nervous because I was worried about how other people would react (I had already mentally moved it into the "things I will not expend energy worrying about" column). So I mentioned it to my mom ahead of time, because I didn't want her to overreact on my behalf. Same with my bridesmaids. And I figured no one else would notice. And if they did, they didn't tell me about it. Which is good. And if they had, I would have just shrugged, laughed, and changed the subject, because in the end, it's your FMIL and you don't want to be pulled into a vortex of gossip and shit talking even if you're a little annoyed. 

Your mom and everyone else will take their cue from your reaction. If it doesn't bother you, and you make sure to calmly point out when they bring it up that it really, really is fine (and it will be... I promise) then that ends up calming them down and making you look like the calm, beatific, saintly bride that you want to be. 

People do weird shit. And people do extra weird shit when it comes to weddings. There's no way around it. You're not overreacting, but you have to just feel the feelings, and then realize in the scheme of things, it's all fine. It will all be fine. 

climbingsingle

I can understand being irked. I'm totally one of those people that judges other guests for wearing white. But in the grand scheme of things, it's not worth being upset over. Just accept it and move on. The day of the wedding, you probably won't notice what most people are wearing.

bride2b71614

I don't think you're over reacting. I think you're reacting to the over reactions of the people who seem to care about FMIL wearing this dress which you didn't really make into a huge deal about in the first place. Ditto with PPs on the telling people that you don't want to talk about it anymore. Having people bring it up is making you upset and it's nothing to dwell on. You don't know if shes going to buy a new dress, and if she doesn't who cares?! You're the bride, she's not. That will be clear to the guests.

As long as your FMIL feels beautiful that's what matters (even if she chose to buy a final sale dress that doesn't fit). Don't let this minor thing get to you!

Also where'd she buy the dress? I am with PPs who want to see it on a rando model.

downtondiva

The dress sounds kind of inappropriate to me, but I agree with others that this isn't a hill you should die on. Everyone will know you are the bride, and if they disapprove of her dress, that will be a reflection on her. Nobody will think worse of you for it.

JellyBean52513

If it makes you feel better. this is the dress my boss's mom wore to her wedding. She loved it, felt like she looked great in it, but literally every single person she showed the picture to before the wedding day was saying behind her back that it looks like a freaking bridal gown.

A little context for those comments: all she would talk about at work is how "I feel like it's MY big day coming up!" and on the day of, as she was doing my boss's hair, she said again that she feels like it's her wedding day. My boss replied (let's pretend her husband's name is Scott), "Haha I know, right? Scott who!" It was a little repulsive.

photokitty

I would try and let it go. She's going to look like the ass, not you. I still vividly recall and snark about the MOG who wore a pale silver dress with a train. We all knew who the bride was and who was the sad attention whore.

As to those photos posted above, my guess is that those moms their attire with the help of the bride. Otherwise the bride wold probably look annoyed...or they are staged.