Addressing STDs vs Invites: same rules... right?

destinationtake2

A cousin is getting married in another state so we will be traveling (flying) to attend. We received the STD over the weekend. It's addressed to H and I only.  No problem for us- our kids are young and travel is easier, not to mention cheaper, without them. And every wedding we've attended since we had kids has been adult only. The only exception was when they were in a wedding (that still didn't allow other kids).

I happened to mention to my mom that the kids aren't invited but my ILs can keep them, no problem. The conversation:

Her: Wait, how do you know they aren't invited?

Me: Well, the STD card is just addressed to Mr. and Mrs. DestinationTake2.

Her: That might not mean that. It's just the save the date.

Me: Yes, but I assume the invite will match the STD. If the kids were invited, it would have their names or "& family."

Her: (checks wedding website) There isn't anything on the website that says it is "Adults Only"...

Me: Maybe not but maybe they trust people to pay attention to their invites in terms of knowing who is invited.

Her:  But the family never gets to see all of you. I hope you're wrong.

Me: It's their wedding, not a family reunion.

Her: Well, I will call and find out for sure. You need to know before the invites arrive so you know how many tickets to purchase."

Me: No, please don't. We're fine.

I convinced her not to ask but I did not convince her that the kids aren't invited. She is "hoping" that their names will be on the invite. Am I right or wrong to assume that the invite will match? I have not paid this much attention before... we usually know through word of mouth about adult only weddings well before the STD arrives.

She then found something through a Google search that told her the names don't have to match. So how does this work... can you send STDs out before/without knowing for sure if kids, plus ones, etc will be included later?

(If I am wrong, she is still going to be upset because chances are that we will still go without the kids. It will be much easier if it's the couples' choice. lol)

marie2785

I'm not 100% the rule, but I did make sure it was clear who would be invited on my STD since I know many people use the STD to book travel. For OOT guests where the kids are invited, the STD went to "The Doe Family", for in town guests where kids were not invited, it went to "Jane and John Doe". I also mentioned to the few people whose kids were invited that the invite included the little ones. Because of this I'm tempted to say if your kids were not on the STD, assume they wont be on the invite.

I also addressed STDs informally for all but military people senior to my FI, whereas the actual invites will be formally addressed to everyone. 

lovegood90

Why is your mom so concerned about this? If YOU'RE concerned, then call them up and ask. But if you're not, just continue to tell her to let it goooo. To answer your question, yes I would assume that if an invite/STD does not include the names of someone's children, or "and family," that they are not invited.

I will never get why people get their panties in a bunch just because an event does not include their kids. So good on you OP for handling it well in that conversation with her!

photokitty

What you can hope happened: They have already figured this guest list out and they addressed them to all invited guests int he household.

Etiquette wise what could happen - they could still invite the kids on the invite.

Anyone who receives an STD must be invited. That's why we recommend only sending them to people you are certain you are inviting. So they could be certain they are inviting you, free up some room in the budget or whatnot, and find they can invite your kids and invite them on the invite.

You an always add people after the STD on the invite. You just can't delete people (unless it was a SO and the relationships ended, then you don't have to invite them as they were invited bc of the relationship with your guest).

destinationtake2

Thanks to you both!

@lovegood90 I know, I know... it must sound awfully annoying. It IS. She is concerned because the wedding is in her hometown (where neither of us live) and she wants everyone to see her grandkids. That is what it boils down to. I haven't been there since her dad died, when my oldest was 2 and the youngest wasn't even born. (They are 8 and 5 now.)

On top of that, she is pretty "old school" and in her day there were no adult only weddings. She doesn't think it's "fair" to have a couple travel without their kids.

None of this bothers me but our norms are just different. For us, it won't be inconvenient to leave them since my ILs are local. I don't know how often grandparents get upset about this when the parents are not but... this is the case for me.

In the end, I got sort of stuck when she said that STDs are "new" anyway and I couldn't really tell her what the rules were, just what I assumed based on what I know about invites.

destinationtake2

photokitty said:

What you can hope happened: They have already figured this guest list out and they addressed them to all invited guests int he household.

Etiquette wise what could happen - they could invited the kids on the invite.

Anyone who receives an STD must be invited. That's why we recommend only sending them to people you are certain you are inviting. So they could be certain they are inviting you, free up some room in the budget or whatnot, and find they can invite your kids and invite them on the invite.

You an always add people after the STD on the invite. You just can't delete people (unless it was a SO and the relationships ended, then you don't have to invite them as they were invited bc of the relationship with your guest).

This makes sense. Thanks!

banana468

It's possible that your kids WILL be included but that they aren't yet.   It's also possible that they addressed the invitation incorrectly.

However the rules still apply.