.

futurekeach

Anytime I say something when asked my opinion, she stops talking to me for several days. I just don't know what to do. I feel like our friendship is severely strained, and I don't know how to fix things with her.

holyguacamole79

futurekeach said:

Okay. So I'm getting married in May. Well my best friend has been dating her fiance for four months. They got engaged a week ago. She's planning on getting married on December 27th. She's been my best friend for six years. In the past week since she got engaged, I feel like my stress level went from zero to a thousand. Her expectations in such a short time period are a little ridiculous. On top of the ordinary stress that comes with a wedding, I feel like I'm drowning due to her expectations. For instance, she expects us to go on an out of town bachelorette party next month. She asked me advice since that's what we're doing for mine. I've given my BMs seven months to save up for it though. It will be in March. When I expressed financial concerns, she stopped talking to me. I just don't know how I'm supposed to attend an impromptu bachelorette party, buy her a bridesmaid gift, buy something for the lingerie party, etc. Not to mention, I need to save money for Christmas, my own engagement pictures, my own wedding, etc. I just don't think giving your BMs three months to save the money necessary to be in a wedding is fair. Especially when it's two days after Christmas. I couldn't say no though. For starters, I wasn't given that option. Secondly, she's in my wedding. Thirdly, she's been my best friend for six years. She's the first girl in my life up after my sister. That's how close we are. Anytime I say something when asked my opinion, she stops talking to me for several days. I just don't know what to do. I feel like our friendship is severely strained, and I don't know how to fix things with her.

Why can't you say no? If you can't afford the OOT bachelorette party, simply let her know that you can't attend.

lurkergirl

futurekeach

I did, and she sent me an email saying I'm the only one who doesn't think it's a good idea/not on board. Then she literally stopped talking to me. That's been her way of dealing with things so far. She just stops communicating which stresses me the hell out. That's how she always has been when she starts dating someone new. She just disappears.

holyguacamole79

futurekeach said:

I did, and she sent me an email saying I'm the only one who doesn't think it's a good idea/not on board. Then she literally stopped talking to me. That's been her way of dealing with things so far. She just stops communicating which stresses me the hell out. That's how she always has been when she starts dating someone new. She just disappears.

She sounds like a peach. I would just not attend.

futurekeach

Since everything is so last minute, her mom and dad are buying our BM dresses. That's how she's trying to rationalize it. Since mom did X, we should have the money to do Y. I didn't have the money to do X in the first place! Ughhhhhhhhhh.

holyguacamole79

futurekeach said:

Since everything is so last minute, her mom and dad are buying our BM dresses. That's how she's trying to rationalize it. Since mom did X, we should have the money to do Y. I didn't have the money to do X in the first place! Ughhhhhhhhhh.

That's very generous of her parents. But it still doesn't mean that you need to attend an event that you can't afford. What is she going to do - kidnap you and force you to come to the party??

futurekeach

True! I just don't want her to be mad at me. I don't want our friendship to suffer. I just feel like she's being incredibly inconsiderate. And I know this is going to seep into my own bachelorette party. Honestly though, if she doesn't want to go to mine because I can't afford hers, then don't. You know? I hate that it has to be that way, but it is what it is.

Not to mention, planning a "Christmas wedding" in three months time? Ugh. I didn't have any holiday plans or anything...

chibiyui

futurekeach said:

True! I just don't want her to be mad at me. I don't want our friendship to suffer. I just feel like she's being incredibly inconsiderate. And I know this is going to seep into my own bachelorette party. Honestly though, if she doesn't want to go to mine because I can't afford hers, then don't. You know? I hate that it has to be that way, but it is what it is. Not to mention, planning a "Christmas wedding" in three months time? Ugh. I didn't have any holiday plans or anything...

Your friend is being unreasonable. say. "Friend, I love you, and I would love to be able to attend your OOT B. Party, BUT, I can not financially afford it at this time. I have my own bills and wedding to pay for, and when I budgeted this all out, your b party didn't exist. I am sorry, but I will not be able to attend." Send her a bottle of champagne or something to their hotel room with a cutesy note. She seems like the easily distracted type.

wrigleyville

futurekeach said:

Since everything is so last minute, her mom and dad are buying our BM dresses. That's how she's trying to rationalize it. Since mom did X, we should have the money to do Y. I didn't have the money to do X in the first place! Ughhhhhhhhhh.

I've always hated that reasoning, for the exact reason you mentioned.

"Well, we bought that $200 thing you couldn't afford, so now you should have $200 laying around, since our purchasing that dress magically put money in your bank account like some 401K match program."

futurekeach

chibiyui that's a good idea! And it will cause let stress on her. And you hit the nail on the head. Very easily distracted.

wrigleyville Lol right? So frustrating! Sorry I didn't have the money to buy your BM dress the same week I found out you're getting married!

Kauris

futurekeach said:

True! I just don't want her to be mad at me. I don't want our friendship to suffer. I just feel like she's being incredibly inconsiderate. And I know this is going to seep into my own bachelorette party. Honestly though, if she doesn't want to go to mine because I can't afford hers, then don't. You know? I hate that it has to be that way, but it is what it is. Not to mention, planning a "Christmas wedding" in three months time? Ugh. I didn't have any holiday plans or anything...

And as long as you are not acting in a manner to make your friendship suffer, you're good. SHE is the one that is acting in a way that can/will affect friendships, not you! If the friendships suffer because she is being a demanding crazy person then that's on her. Good luck!

abbyj700

Just a few things. 

-If you can't afford to be in this wedding, or you feel it's too stressful for you - you have every opportunity to say no. She can't force you. So make the decision and stand by it. Don't complain once you make the choice and move forward.

-Being in a wedding does not dictate you go to the bachelorette party. One of my BM's couldn't attend mine, and that is fine. 

-How quickly she plans her wedding is up to her. You may not approve of it, but luckily you don't have to. 

-Having a holiday wedding isn't convenient for everyone, but this is the date they picked. They probably will have poor attendance so close to the holiday - but again, this is their choice, not yours.

novella1186

kasmith1 said:

futurekeach said:

True! I just don't want her to be mad at me. I don't want our friendship to suffer. I just feel like she's being incredibly inconsiderate. And I know this is going to seep into my own bachelorette party. Honestly though, if she doesn't want to go to mine because I can't afford hers, then don't. You know? I hate that it has to be that way, but it is what it is. Not to mention, planning a "Christmas wedding" in three months time? Ugh. I didn't have any holiday plans or anything...

And as long as you are not acting in a manner to make your friendship suffer, you're good. SHE is the one that is acting in a way that can/will affect friendships, not you! If the friendships suffer because she is being a demanding crazy person then that's on her. Good luck!

This is exactly what I was gonna say. Keep being a good friend. If your friendship suffers, it's her fault and her problem. 

futurekeach

Thanks, guys! Here were are at day two of her not speaking to me. She asked me a week ago how I felt about things, and I was honest once she insisted I tell her the truth. I told her I thought she was rushing into things. There's been tension between us since she got engaged, but that's because she assumed I thought she was stealing my thunder. Really? Because that's it. It has nothing to do with the fact that my best friend just got engaged and is getting married out of the blue. Either way, it's none of my business. I voiced my concerns once pushed and told her I didn't want the subject to come up again. Now I feel like she's twisting everything I say or do. I'm trying to be excited and participatory, but again finances prevent some of it. I'm just stressed. Every day with her, it's something different.

climbingsingle

I've had bras for longer than 6 years. The length of your relationship should mean nothing. 

You always have the option to say no. And at this point, I'd just tell you can't do it. If she's a real friend, she'll understand. 

beethery

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I've had bras for longer than 6 years. The length of your relationship should mean nothing. 

You always have the option to say no. And at this point, I'd just tell you can't do it. If she's a real friend, she'll understand. 

For real. I wore a pair of shorts a couple nights ago that I got probably a week after I moved to NH.

When I was 12. 

I'm 28 now. Length of time works out differently for different people, so you need to let that go.

If she gets mad at you for saying no, it's on her. You do what you can with your funds and concern yourself with that.

futurekeach

Thanks, ladies!

[Deleted User]

abbyj700

pinkrevenge said:

I would just make sure you're phrasing it right. "You're rushing" sounds more like "Your marriage is a mistake" than "Because this is happening so fast, I don't have time to save a very big budget. I'm going to have to miss out on things because I can't financially swing it" you know?

This. Wording is everything. You don't get to judge her relationship because YOU think it's too fast. What if she looked at you and judged your relationship because it "took so long" for your FI to want to marry you? Doesn't feel good does it?

@pinkrevenge has it right - be sure to let her know the timeframe is just hard for you to come up with the money, not that you are judging her marriage. If you are such good friends - you smile and don't judge she and her future husband meanly to their faces as the play their wedding.

futurekeach

No , no. I didn't tell her anything negative until I was asked. And when I say I was asked, I mean she insisted I tell her because she said it hurt her feelings because she felt I wasn't being honest with her. That's the only time I've told her to make sure that she's getting married for the right reasons and that she's not rushing into this. I feel that if I was asked my opinion in the beginning, I am allowed to voice it. Hence what I said earlier, "Either way, it's none of my business. I voiced my concerns once pushed and told her I didn't want the subject to come up again. " Every time we have spoken since our initial conversation, the only thing I've said is that I feel that the timeline of her wedding is preventing me to financially participate as much as I would like to. I feel like that has gotten misconstrued somehow. If I wanted to know what she thought of my FI and I, I should be prepared for an honest explanation on her part. I did not just rudely announce my opinion as if it mattered somehow.

[Deleted User]

holyguacamole79

I'm curious - the title of this post says Shotgun wedding.  Is she pregnant? 

futurekeach

I've always heard the shotgun wedding just means it's going super quickly. Like the planning and what not. Very short engagement. So, not pregnant. Perhaps that should have been worded differently.

@pinkrevenge‌ I don't see how it's me "screwing up" . I was asked my opinion, which I kept to myself until then. Also surely she sees that I'm planning a wedding, paying for Christmas, etc. That was my problem to begin with. If it was a matter of me disapproving, I would have just said no when she mentioned being a BM.

futurekeach

I guess I've always assumed that being a best friend meant not blindly agreeing with everything that friend does. I thought being a friend meant trying to protect them/be honest with them when you see them doing something out of character. I don't consider giving my opinion when asked, judging her.

holyguacamole79

No worries.  I have a friend who had a shotgun wedding.  She announced her pregnancy to her family on Fathers Day and they were married by Labor Day.  I believe her son was born around Christmastime.

My husband & I got engaged after 3 months of dating.  We had an 8 month engagement.  We got a few comments about rushing it from a few people.  I'll admit, it hurt.  But, we went through marriage prep and discerned things prayerfully.

I'd cut her some slack.  If you can't afford the bachelorette party, don't go.  It's a bit odd that you are upset with her for having an OOT bachelorette party when that's what you are doing.  I get that yours is a bit further out and you have given them "more time to save up", but it still comes across as a double-standard. 

futurekeach

I agree. But I'm not asking my girls to go around Christmas or a month before it's time. If she couldn't afford to go, I'd honestly be okay with it. I just wouldn't drop off the planet and stop speaking to her. She's been my friend forever, so it's not like she's oblivious to my financial situation. I'm also not upset with her for having an oot party. I'm upset because she's acting out of character. Aka: not talking to me because of my inability to pay for something that takes quite some time to afford. Problem solved though, if it comes down to it, I just won't be able to go. I can't make money that doesn't exist.

holyguacamole79

If she asked for your opinion and you gave it lovingly, then I see no issue with that.  I didn't stop talking to my friends who told me that we got engaged too fast.  I may have limited the wedding-talk with them, but I didn't shut them out.

I would let things cool down for now.  Don't make any rash decisions.  Just let it be.  It very well may be after your wedding before the two of you can reconcile. 

futurekeach

Thank you, Sarah! I'm really glad to have read it from someone with her POV. I just need to let it fizzle and get out of "fix it" mode.

holyguacamole79

If it helps, I'm still good friends with the person who told me (on the night that we got engaged) that we were rushing things.  It took a while for things to blow over, but they did. 

futurekeach

It really does!