How Long After

yogadevil

MairePoppy said:

You seem to be determined to help your FFIL save face so I'll just answer the question. I wouldn't side eye a party held 5 or 6 months after to celebrate your marriage. I'd assume that you were waiting for a time when the family could come from Ireland.

I feel this weird obligation to help him save face. I think its my midwestern upbringing or something- always be gracious blah blah blah.  I'm starting to understand you the PPs here and having major doubts about bending to him, i'm glad feeling that way doesnt make me a bitch.  Just tricky to navigate.

AlexaF2014 said:

This is neither your circus, nor your monkey. 

FOG wanted the celebration, FOG organized the celebrated, FOG pays for said celebration. Don't add to the guest list, don't give suggestions/money. Just disengage, step back and let him handle it. Either he'll figure out how to make it work on his own or he'll cancel (which is NOT YOUR FAULT!). FOG is an adult and you should allow him the room to act like one.

The issue is that he hasnt planned a thing, except for those tickets.  He wants those tickets to be his only, yet quite substantial, contribution towards the celebration he wanted and was originally going to pay for. He is now not willing to pay for ANYTHING else except a venue fee (food/drink/whatever else would be on us) forcing our hand a bit.  Since we were then paying for it, we created our own guest list and included his original 90.

(edited for typos)

yogadevil

MyNameIsNot said:

yogadevil said:

MyNameIsNot said:

This is his party, not yours. It's so insane that he is expecting you to pay for it. I don't for a second buy that he put down every dime of his budget for a venue without having an idea of what this party would cost. Did he think that food and bev would be included when he booked the venue? 

As it turns out, he never booked a venue, but he is aware that doesnt include food/drink/etc.  I think he spent more than he thought on those tickets, and when he started looking into the actual party planning costs, he realized it was biting off way more than he could comfortably chew. 

lizabobiza said:

Wow. I am so impressed with your patience. I wouldn't be so gracious.

I am on the side of some PPs in that you should call it a family reunion. We host these every few summers for our insanely large family. Planning goes thus: identify a large hotel/family friendly resort with reasonably priced rooms, at least one large dining room/ballroom/convention space/meeting area, and a few silly daytime activities. Negotiate a group discount, which includes the use of said large space for one night (set cost per meal, no additional fee). Invite everyone for the weekend, letting them know room costs, cost for group dinner, and for cheesy matching t-shirts. Your FFIL can either contribute a flat amount to the group to reduce cost of meals/rooms, or buy the wine for dinner. He gets to see his Irish cousins and feel like a big shot. You start your marriage without debt, and also without that bad taste in your mouth.

ETF appalling grammar.

I'm digging the family reunion idea...

littlestmonkey

I had a somewhat similar situation - although maybe not quite as dramatic as paying for people to fly in. We got married abroad (my hometown) but MIL wanted a celebration at home for everyone who couldn't travel and originally said that she was hosting and paying for it. Well, when it came down to it she gave us a flat sum which was never going to cover the costs of even a modest celebration in a major east coast city so we ended up paying for most of it, which we did because we had similarly told people there would be a celebration etc.

Once it turned out that we were basically playing for it we made the choices we wanted to make - we found the venue, ordered and food and drink that we wanted etc to make it as affordable for us as possible. I would definitely recommend you doing the same - we found a great venue but because it wasn't a traditional wedding venue and it was trying to build up a good reputation in the area it was actually dirt cheap.

We had our party three months after the wedding and I wouldn't have wanted it to be any later than that - I definitely felt settled into married life at that point and anything later would have felt strange for me - although from the point of view of a guest I would attend a party thrown later than that.

Good luck!

Liatris2010

Just say say no. He told you not to worry about it, remind him that, say you are not worrying about, planning, or paying for it. But you will be happy to show up the day of the party, or not if it is cancelled. FFIL needs to be a grown-up and deal with the mess he got himself into.

lovegood90

Also, if I found out that not only were the bride and groom having one of these (IMO) "consolation prize" after the fact parties, but that they were hosting it themselves (I obviously would not be aware of the circumstances that led you to host it yourselves), AND that it was already several months after the wedding, I would decline to attend.

If you wanted to host 175 guests in the first place, then they'd be invited to your actual wedding. But they're not. And you should expect some of those 175 people would feel this way as well.

If they want to "celebrate" with you after the fact, then they can go to dinner or drinks with you on their own time. Just my take on it anyway.

yogadevil

I appreciate all the feedback!  I'm really starting to come around to the family reunion idea, i'll pitch that to FI when he gets home. I did talk to FMIL for a bit, she's easier to talk to and she totally got the annoyance of it all.  However...she does still want us to have a celebration and then said "What if we just charge people at the door?" Oh dear lord no. Sigh.  I think they're both clueless.

FI still doesnt think paying around $2k for something casual is inappropriate nor is NOT paying it the hill to die on.  I can see that. The whole reason he came around to having a celebration in the first place is that he was deployed for 2 out of 4 years, and missed a lot of things with family/friends.  He was seeing this as a way to make up for a lot that he's sacrificed, thats how we were convinced to let his dad throw us a shindig in the first place, until it got to this point.

Lots to think about- I think we should sit on it for a bit, and THANK YOU all for your advice.  I'm still somewhat of a TK neophyte- is it cool if I show this thread to FI?

[Deleted User]

yogadevil said:

I appreciate all the feedback!  I'm really starting to come around to the family reunion idea, i'll pitch that to FI when he gets home. I did talk to FMIL for a bit, she's easier to talk to and she totally got the annoyance of it all.  However...she does still want us to have a celebration and then said "What if we just charge people at the door?" Oh dear lord no. Sigh.  I think they're both clueless.

FI still doesnt think paying around $2k for something casual is inappropriate nor is NOT paying it the hill to die on.  I can see that. The whole reason he came around to having a celebration in the first place is that he was deployed for 2 out of 4 years, and missed a lot of things with family/friends.  He was seeing this as a way to make up for a lot that he's sacrificed, thats how we were convinced to let his dad throw us a shindig in the first place, until it got to this point.

Lots to think about- I think we should sit on it for a bit, and THANK YOU all for your advice.  I'm still somewhat of a TK neophyte- is it cool if I show this thread to FI?

Yes, please show this thread to FI.  We love it when the men get involved.

yogadevil

lovegood90 said:

Also, if I found out that not only were the bride and groom having one of these (IMO) "consolation prize" after the fact parties, but that they were hosting it themselves (I obviously would not be aware of the circumstances that led you to host it yourselves), AND that it was already several months after the wedding, I would decline to attend.

If you wanted to host 175 guests in the first place, then they'd be invited to your actual wedding. But they're not. And you should expect some of those 175 people would feel this way as well.

If they want to "celebrate" with you after the fact, then they can go to dinner or drinks with you on their own time. Just my take on it anyway.

THIS is exactly what I keep going back to.  From how it sounds, we'd be paying under the guise that FFIL is hosting, but it still reeks of "LOOK AT US!"  Thats not our style, we're just trying to figure out the best way to move forward.  Its not a gift giving occasion, but I still feel awkward.

Hypothetically we'd invite the max we could host, knowing there'd be maybe lots of declines.  His family would be 100% there because thats just the way they are.  His army buddies would come en masse. In that circle, this type of get together it wouldnt be uncommon for a bunch of randoms to tag along with someone who was invited, "Oh you're seeing yogadevilMan? Havnt seen him since that convoy to FOB Warrior, lets party." Thats why we wanted to keep in super casual and informal to roll with the punches.  It just causing too many headaches at this point to remain worth it.

teddygirl9

I'm not sure if it's been suggested, but can they move the tickets to may so they can attend the actual wedding, and FOG can pay for their accomodations? Rather than host a party later, just invite them to the wedding? There might be a charge to adjust the tickets, but it would probably not be that much compared to cancelling them altogether. (the 8 ireland people) 

 

If this doesnt work, I would just cancel it. If they want to use the tickets, they could still come over for a vacation and you can take them out for dinner or something. But I would NOT be paying for a party someone else started to plan and then ran out of money lol. Thats absurd.

yogadevil

teddygirl9 said:

I'm not sure if it's been suggested, but can they move the tickets to may so they can attend the actual wedding, and FOG can pay for their accomodations? Rather than host a party later, just invite them to the wedding? There might be a charge to adjust the tickets, but it would probably not be that much compared to cancelling them altogether. (the 8 ireland people) 

 Eh, I am not so keen on this.  We've never met these people and having them come to a wedding with 15 people seems odd to me, because if we wanted more people theres close friends or aunts/uncles we would have invited in the first place.  Thanks for the suggestion though! I hadnt thought of that.

If this doesnt work, I would just cancel it. If they want to use the tickets, they could still come over for a vacation and you can take them out for dinner or something. But I would NOT be paying for a party someone else started to plan and then ran out of money lol. Thats absurd. <-- Soooo glad i'm not alone in thinking this a ridiculous situation to even be in!!

iloveotters2014

Why don't these people come out from ireland and your FFIL can host a family dinner at a local restaurant. I'm sure whatever venue fee he had planned can host your immediate family and these ireland relatives. Then you dont have to worry about any of this anymore. If you really want to help out a bit tell your FFIL that you will pay for the alcohol for the dinner.

Honestly, I wouldn't do the party. He has really dug himself into a hole and it's not your responsibility to get him out. I think it's really sweet that you want to help him, but this really isn't your problem. And not something you should be forced into spending a small fortune on.

levioosa

This is ridiculous.  Decline the party.  What is wrong with just going out to dinner with these relatives or having a small family get together?  Why does it have to be a huge affair?  FFIL is the one who stuck himself up a creek without a paddle on this one.  Plus his priorities seem to be all out of whack.  "Oh, I'll plan this party for you, but let me spend my whole budget on 8 randos from Ireland to impress them?"  Not your fault, not your problem. 

flantastic

Yeah, your graciousness can extend to making sure you take the time to have dinner with the family members that FFIL decided to fly in from Ireland. It's lovely that FFIL made it possible for them to visit the States to see him. If they don't want to bother to come because there's no actual party and he eats the cost, then your FFIL has the exact same amount of money he would have had otherwise. He made the stupid decision to do flights first, and this is not something you should fix for him. Nope nope nope. If you and your FI give in on and fix something this ridiculous, the family pressure will not stop, ever.

If the family will give your FI shit for not having the big party now, they would have given him shit for your actual wedding plans. They should be giving you shit for neither. Spending multiple thousands of dollars to appease a family whose attitude probably doesn't deserve to be appeased and may not even be appeased (you have the party, and people still say, "Why couldn't they invite us to the real wedding?") makes zero sense.

MandyMost

I'd say keep the date in June that the plane tickets are already for, and have a casual party as cheaply as possible that invites ONLY that side of the family. Maybe your parents too if they're local. But no friends and none of your other relatives. It's a party "hosted by" the FOG, to celebrate you becoming part of their family. That way FOG gets to save face, you're out the minimal amount of money possible, and you don't have to put up with a gigantic celebration that you don't want. 

mollybarker11

Your FOG's celebration is not yours to plan or to cancel. His failure to throw a party would not cause anyone in their right mind to side-eye you, that makes absolutely zero sense. I get that you're stressed and don't want to see the guy embarrassed, but all you need to do to avoid that is offer the suggestions PPs have mentioned. Covering the cost of or organizing his party yourself is not "the right thing" to do, it's a completely ridiculous thing to do. Stop being so darn sweet!! Focus on arranging your really lovely-sounding wedding and pass these ideas along to your FI's dad:

1. Since he's already mentioned an upcoming party to some people it would seem strange to never follow up with an invite. A casual get-together in a public park is a perfectly nice way to spend time with folks. All he has to do is

- decide who he wants to invite

- look up fees/restrictions on his town's Parks & Rec website

- let the guests know the time & place, and

- buy some drinks & snacks.

This should be easy enough for him to plan and execute without any of your help. The total cost shouldn't be more any than the venue fee he's willing to contribute to a more formal celebration, so there's no need for him to postpone to allow time to save extra (or get into the added cost of changing the plane tickets).

2. Since some of his guests are coming all the way from Ireland he may want to do something extra special with them while they're there. Perhaps he could take them to a local museum or play and out to lunch.

Also, removing yourself from the planning takes your side of the family and your & FI's army buddies out of the equation entirely. If you want to get together with them you guys can host a separate event without the hassle of coordinating with FOG and his relatives.

Good luck! I know you've said FOG is simply misguided & clueless but honestly this seems downright shady & manipulative and I'm livid on your behalf!