Not inviting bridesmaids boyfriend?

[Deleted User]

I cannot stand one of my bridesmaids boyfriends. He's extremely rude to me and my FI, ignores our requests at our own house, and I really just don't want him there at my wedding. Is it okay to ask for him not to come? And how?

lightningsnow

No, it would be incredibly rude and disrespectful on your part to not invite him. You will barely see him through out the day.

I'll put it to you this way. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and your BM was getting married and asked you to celebrate her relationship while blatantly ignoring yours? You'd probably feel like shit.

The only time it is acceptable to not invite the SO of a guest/BM is if they have threatened physical harm, has been violent in the past, or anything of a similar matter. Not liking someone is not an excuse to ignore her relationship while asking her to celebrate yours.

[Deleted User]

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

lightningsnow

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

It doesn't matter how long the relationship though. You aren't in a position to judge. If she considers it serious, it doesn't matter how long they have been together. I've been with my BF for almost six years. Within the first year we were dating, we were invited to the wedding for his friends from high school. They barely knew me and yet still invited me by name and allowed me to be in their group photos.

The length of the relationship does not matter. This is her SO and should be invited.

ETF: Forgotten word because of late night Knotting

lightningsnow

Knottie49459352 said:

I cannot stand one of my bridesmaids boyfriends. He's extremely rude to me and my FI, ignores our requests at our own house, and I really just don't want him there at my wedding. Is it okay to ask for him not to come? And how?

Also JIC

VulgarGirl

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

I've been with my wife for almost 11 years. So my relationship is more valid than your relationship.

See how shitty that is?

Viczaesar

Knottie49459352 said:

I cannot stand one of my bridesmaids boyfriends. He's extremely rude to me and my FI, ignores our requests at our own house, and I really just don't want him there at my wedding. Is it okay to ask for him not to come? And how?

No, absolutely not.  And can it with the 'my relationship is more valid than hers' bullshit.  Ick.

themuffinman16

So basically, if people have not been in a relationship as long as you have, it isn't valid? I have been with my husband for 14 years, and will soon be married for one of those years.  My twin sister's husband proposed less than a year in, and they have been together for almost 5 years..  Every relationship will be on it's own timeline. It isn't a competition, a race, or a pissing contest.

  I hate when certain couples pretend their relationships are more special than everyone else's. A wedding is a celebration of a relationship. It is rude to take that moment to disrespect someone else's relationship.

WonderBride519

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

What? You can't be serious with this statement! So you're saying that you didn't expect your friends to have any respect for your SO at the 6mo mark in your relationship? You would have been fine with your friends excluding your SO from anything they invited you to, because you'd only been together for 6mo? You don't spend 6mo of your life with someone that you don't think is important. If she is serious about this guy, then her relationship is just as valid as yours, therefore, it is comparable. How rude and selfish of you to suggest otherwise!

No, you don't have to invite him, but don't expect your friend to have any respect for you if you don't. Also, don't be offended or hurt if she doesn't bother inviting you to do things with her after your wedding.

mikenberger

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

LD1970

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

Yeah, you really want to use *time* as an indicator of level of seriousness? Well, H & I were engaged in LESS THAN 4 MONTHS, so in *my* world, *my* relationship was more "important" and "valid" at 4 months than yours probably was at the year mark. So there.

Maggie0829

MagicInk said:

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

I've been with my wife for almost 11 years. So my relationship is more valid than your relationship.

See how shitty that is?

H and I have been together 13 years so my relationship is the most legitimate of all!!!

OP, don't be a rude person.  Invite your friends boyfriend.

LD1970

Maggie0829 said:

MagicInk said:

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

I've been with my wife for almost 11 years. So my relationship is more valid than your relationship.

See how shitty that is?

H and I have been together 13 years so my relationship is the most legitimate of all!!!

OP, don't be a rude person.  Invite your friends boyfriend.

Mine is obviously only half as legitimate. We've been together for 7, married for 6.

JBee85

Not allowing the members of your bridal party to bring their SOs to the wedding is a friendship-ending move. Most bridesmaids are spending money and time to celebrate and help you prepare for your wedding. It is a nice gesture to let them bring dates since they are taking time out of their day to stand by your side in the most important day of your life.

I was a bridesmaid and found out at the very end my fiancé at the time was not invited by the bride who was a friend from college. It's been almost a year that we haven't talked. I don't intend to see her anytime soon either because she has shown me to be a self-entitled brat by how she treated me with her wedding.

banana468

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

Pffft.   I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for nearly 8 AND we have two kids.   You're still learning to color by numbers.

If you pulled that kind of a bullshit line to me I'd be done with you.   She may be dating an ass but you need to invite him - or then you'll have turned into the ass. 

MyNameIsNot

You have to invite him.  Excluding him would be a slap in the face to your friend. 

It seems that you don't have a lot of respect for your friend, but there's no reason to deliberately insult her. 

novella1186

I'm just gonna leave this here for you, OP. I very strongly recommend that you read through it. Seriously. 

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1056849/which-is-the-worst-etiquette-mistake#latest

littlepep

Knottie49459352 said:

I kind of understand, except my FI and I have been together 5 years and her & her boyfriend less than 6 months. Our relationships aren't comparable.

You don't get to decide how serious someone else's relationship is. 

[Deleted User]

No it's her boyfriend doesn't have respect for me. If I invite them over for say dinner, we will smoke in my house (cigarettes and marshes a) Sven though i have said many times not to. He is extremely disrespectful that's just one situation.

[Deleted User]

I wasn't saying length is the only factor. But if they didn't just start dating then maybe I could handle his disrespect better, I'm not sure though. her boyfriend doesn't have respect for me. If I invite them over for say dinner, we will smoke in my house (cigarettes and pot) even though i have said many times not to. He is extremely disrespectful that's just one situation.

Maggie0829

Knottie49459352 said:

No it's her boyfriend doesn't have respect for me. If I invite them over for say dinner, we will smoke in my house (cigarettes and marshes a) Sven though i have said many times not to. He is extremely disrespectful that's just one situation.

This doesn't matter.  Him being an ass is not enough reason for you to not invite him.  So you have to suck this one up buttercup.

novella1186

Knottie49459352 said:

No it's her boyfriend doesn't have respect for me. If I invite them over for say dinner, we will smoke in my house (cigarettes and marshes a) Sven though i have said many times not to. He is extremely disrespectful that's just one situation.

Doesn't matter. That is not an acceptable excuse to not invite him. It's not like he's going to be in your own home at your wedding. He'll be in a venue, and if he acts out of line then your DOC or site manager or whoever can say something to him. There will be so many people around and you will be so busy that you likely won't even notice he's there. 

And in regards to them only being together 6 months; By the time I was dating FI for 6 months we had moved in together and already knew we would get married some day (got engaged less than a year later). I knew he was the love of my life from the day I met him. If someone had disregarded our relationship based on the length of time we had been together, I would have laughed at them and then disregarded my friendship with that person just as easily. Because that's a shitty thing to do, and it's no one else's place to judge a relationship. 

banana468

Wait a sec, he smokes weed in your house and you've told him not to or you smoke and he tells you not to?  And your BM does what?   

The answer to someone doing illegal substances in your house is to kick that person out of your house.

[Deleted User]

She just ignores it because "thats him & she doesn't want to change him". 7 months ago she got out of a 4 year relationship & he's just this bad boy she's dating.

Maggie0829

Knottie49459352 said:

She just ignores it because "thats him & she doesn't want to change him". 7 months ago she got out of a 4 year relationship & he's just this bad boy she's dating.

Stop judging her relationship!

[Deleted User]

I am not judging if she has said "I'm going through a bad boy stage" MANY times

saric83

Then stop inviting him over to your house, but that is definitely NOT an acceptable reason to not invite him.  

We absolutely loathed my SIL (now ex-SIL ), and she was without a doubt, the rudest person I've ever met, and everyone in the entire family hated her very much.  Did we still suck it up and invite her?  Of course.

banana468

You're enabling the behavior if he lights up a bowl or a joint and you don't kick him out of your house.

I'm not going to tell my friends what to do in their own homes but you're not allowed to smoke anything in my house - legal or illegal.   So if he's lighting up and you don't tell him to stop then that's on you.   That's still not a reason to say he's not welcome at your reception.  

If he hit you or your DH or destroyed something that you own, I might be behind this.   But unfortunately being an arrogant bad boy isn't enough. 

Maggie0829

Knottie49459352 said:

I am not judging if she has said "I'm going through a bad boy stage" MANY times

Yes, you are.  Go read your prior posts.  Full of judgement.

aliwis000

Ok. So lets just assume he is an ass.

Fine. He is an ass. So what? I know lots of asses.

The point here is this ass is dating your BM and the rule is if someone is dating a guest of your wedding, you have two options:

1. Invite both of them
2. Invite neither of them

Since you have acknowledged he has not done anything other than general 'asshatery' then your options are limited to those above. Period. End of story.

NowIamMrsKlein

It is not up to your Bridesmaid to enforce your house rules upon her boyfriend. If you say no smoking, and he smokes anyways then you ask them to leave. You have every right to ask people to leave your home.

However, you have no right to not invite him simply because you do not like him. they are a social unit and therefore must be invited.

I'm assuming this girl is a dear friend to you, because you asked her to be a bridesmaid. I'm pretty sure she would be very hurt and possibly consider ending the friendship if you did not invite him. Especially if you told her the reasons that you've told us here. Consider it the other way around. They're getting married. You're a bridesmaid. Your husband is not invited because your best friend doesn't like him. I highly doubt that you would be ok with that.

Invite him. There will be so many other people at your wedding, and you will be so in love and wedded bliss and talking with other guests that I promise you won't notice him or be bothered by him.


Also. I just have to add. You can't judge a relationship based on time together. Your relationship is not more valid than hers. Years together does not make you more in love. FI and I knew by our SECOND DATE that we were in it for the long haul. By 4 months we were talking marriage, life got in the way and we had to wait until the 1.5 year mark to get engaged and will be together 3.5 years by the time we are married. But we knew on our second date, and at that moment our relationship became just as valid as yours.