Need Advice About Inviting People

emkelly91

So this is my first post, but I've been lurking off and on for a few years now. My wedding is fast approaching and I need advice about a guest dilemma that has arisen.

First off, my wedding is June 17th. We are having a small, intimate ceremony with 15 of our closest family and friends at Walt Disney World. On July 11th, we are having a three hour drop in cake and punch party to celebrate with those that we love and care about. My bridal shower is this weekend, May 23rd.

My dilemma comes from the fact that I read that it is rude to invite someone to the the bridal shower, but not the wedding, or in our case, the party. My FI and I have been part of a young couples church group for many years and all of the women that I know from the class are invited to my bridal shower. All of the couples are then invited to the party in July.

The problem is that the bridal shower invitations were sent out and I (well, my friend that is throwing the party) invited all of these women, including one named Shannon. Shannon and her husband just joined the class in August after getting married, so we sorta know them, but not super well. We went ahead and invited them to the party though because this class is very close knit and it seemed rude to exclude them as the only couple not invited.

Fast forward to April. The invitations for my bridal shower were sent out and Shannon was invited. Her husband and her then separated after a massive blow out. Like, this couple cannot even be in the same room as each other from what I gather. He has to attend mandatory counseling for six months and is not allowed to have any contact with her at all and is only allowed to visit their newborn son for thirty minutes a week under supervision. It's completely nasty. They both left the class and I have not seen him since they split, although my FI is still fb friends with him. I still talk to her occasionally on group chats on fb and she RSVP'd that she is coming to my shower on Saturday.

While my thoughts are with them during this difficult time, it does put my FI and I in a tricky spot. We feel it would be completely inappropriate to invite them as a couple since they no longer are one. But we thought it would also be rude to only invite one of them and which one would we choose since neither of us are extremely close to either one of them? We thought it would be best to not invite either of them, especially because it could be extremely tense if they both showed up at the party and saw each other. 

I don't want to be rude though by inviting her to the shower and then not to the party. We also feel awkward not inviting them, but still inviting all of our mutual friends that are still in the class. If we don't invite them, what do I say if one of them asks if they were sent an invitation? 

I need advice please!!!!!

blabla89

Wow, that is quite an awkward situation. You're right that since Shannon is invited to your shower, she must also be invited to the wedding.

I'd say send a separate invitation to each of them and let them work out which one of them (or neither) will attend.

ShesSoCold

emkelly91 said:

So this is my first post, but I've been lurking off and on for a few years now. My wedding is fast approaching and I need advice about a guest dilemma that has arisen.

First off, my wedding is June 17th. We are having a small, intimate ceremony with 15 of our closest family and friends at Walt Disney World. On July 11th, we are having a three hour drop in cake and punch party to celebrate with those that we love and care about. My bridal shower is this weekend, May 23rd.

My dilemma comes from the fact that I read that it is rude to invite someone to the the bridal shower, but not the wedding, or in our case, the party. My FI and I have been part of a young couples church group for many years and all of the women that I know from the class are invited to my bridal shower. All of the couples are then invited to the party in July.

The problem is that the bridal shower invitations were sent out and I (well, my friend that is throwing the party) invited all of these women, including one named Shannon. Shannon and her husband just joined the class in August after getting married, so we sorta know them, but not super well. We went ahead and invited them to the party though because this class is very close knit and it seemed rude to exclude them as the only couple not invited.

Fast forward to April. The invitations for my bridal shower were sent out and Shannon was invited. Her husband and her then separated after a massive blow out. Like, this couple cannot even be in the same room as each other from what I gather. He has to attend mandatory counseling for six months and is not allowed to have any contact with her at all and is only allowed to visit their newborn son for thirty minutes a week under supervision. It's completely nasty. They both left the class and I have not seen him since they split, although my FI is still fb friends with him. I still talk to her occasionally on group chats on fb and she RSVP'd that she is coming to my shower on Saturday.

While my thoughts are with them during this difficult time, it does put my FI and I in a tricky spot. We feel it would be completely inappropriate to invite them as a couple since they no longer are one. But we thought it would also be rude to only invite one of them and which one would we choose since neither of us are extremely close to either one of them? We thought it would be best to not invite either of them, especially because it could be extremely tense if they both showed up at the party and saw each other. 

I don't want to be rude though by inviting her to the shower and then not to the party. We also feel awkward not inviting them, but still inviting all of our mutual friends that are still in the class. If we don't invite them, what do I say if one of them asks if they were sent an invitation? 

I need advice please!!!!!

You have a bigger dilemma because the bolded is incorrect. Everyone invited to the shower needs to be invited to the WEDDING. Not an open house.

I don't know how you can fix this now but that's rude as shit.

redoryx

So this is my first post, but I've been lurking off and on for a few years now. My wedding is fast approaching and I need advice about a guest dilemma that has arisen.

First off, my wedding is June 17th. We are having a small, intimate ceremony with 15 of our closest family and friends at Walt Disney World. On July 11th, we are having a three hour drop in cake and punch party to celebrate with those that we love and care about. My bridal shower is this weekend, May 23rd.

My dilemma comes from the fact that I read that it is rude to invite someone to the the bridal shower, but not the wedding, or in our case, the party. My FI and I have been part of a young couples church group for many years and all of the women that I know from the class are invited to my bridal shower. All of the couples are then invited to the party in July.

Imma stop you right there. 

It is rude to invite someone to the shower and not invite them to the wedding. Y'know, the actual ceremony taking place. The fact that you are having a party later is irrelevant. If they aren't invited to hang with Mickey, they shouldn't be invited to the shower.

blabla89

redoryx said:

So this is my first post, but I've been lurking off and on for a few years now. My wedding is fast approaching and I need advice about a guest dilemma that has arisen.

First off, my wedding is June 17th. We are having a small, intimate ceremony with 15 of our closest family and friends at Walt Disney World. On July 11th, we are having a three hour drop in cake and punch party to celebrate with those that we love and care about. My bridal shower is this weekend, May 23rd.

My dilemma comes from the fact that I read that it is rude to invite someone to the the bridal shower, but not the wedding, or in our case, the party. My FI and I have been part of a young couples church group for many years and all of the women that I know from the class are invited to my bridal shower. All of the couples are then invited to the party in July.

Imma stop you right there. 

It is rude to invite someone to the shower and not invite them to the wedding. Y'know, the actual ceremony taking place. The fact that you are having a party later is irrelevant. If they aren't invited to hang with Mickey, they shouldn't be invited to the shower.

Whoah, yeah, somehow I missed that part but that's not cool.

thisismynickname2

So this is my first post, but I've been lurking off and on for a few years now. My wedding is fast approaching and I need advice about a guest dilemma that has arisen.

First off, my wedding is June 17th. We are having a small, intimate ceremony with 15 of our closest family and friends at Walt Disney World. On July 11th, we are having a three hour drop in cake and punch party to celebrate with those that we love and care about. My bridal shower is this weekend, May 23rd.

My dilemma comes from the fact that I read that it is rude to invite someone to the the bridal shower, but not the wedding, or in our case, the party. My FI and I have been part of a young couples church group for many years and all of the women that I know from the class are invited to my bridal shower. All of the couples are then invited to the party in July.

The problem is that the bridal shower invitations were sent out and I (well, my friend that is throwing the party) invited all of these women, including one named Shannon. Shannon and her husband just joined the class in August after getting married, so we sorta know them, but not super well. We went ahead and invited them to the party though because this class is very close knit and it seemed rude to exclude them as the only couple not invited.

Fast forward to April. The invitations for my bridal shower were sent out and Shannon was invited. Her husband and her then separated after a massive blow out. Like, this couple cannot even be in the same room as each other from what I gather. He has to attend mandatory counseling for six months and is not allowed to have any contact with her at all and is only allowed to visit their newborn son for thirty minutes a week under supervision. It's completely nasty. They both left the class and I have not seen him since they split, although my FI is still fb friends with him. I still talk to her occasionally on group chats on fb and she RSVP'd that she is coming to my shower on Saturday.

While my thoughts are with them during this difficult time, it does put my FI and I in a tricky spot. We feel it would be completely inappropriate to invite them as a couple since they no longer are one. But we thought it would also be rude to only invite one of them and which one would we choose since neither of us are extremely close to either one of them? We thought it would be best to not invite either of them, especially because it could be extremely tense if they both showed up at the party and saw each other. 

I don't want to be rude though by inviting her to the shower and then not to the party. We also feel awkward not inviting them, but still inviting all of our mutual friends that are still in the class. If we don't invite them, what do I say if one of them asks if they were sent an invitation? 

I need advice please!!!!!

To your actual question, just invite both of them to the party and let them figure out who's coming. If they ask you about the other, say that both of them are your friends and ergo, they're both invited. 

Unfortunately the rude ship has sailed because your shower is in three days and full of people not invited to the wedding. Ouch. Since it's a church group I'm hoping it's an open-minded and open-hearted group of forgiving people, because what's occurring here is really rude-- you're asking them for presents and not even letting them see you get married. Ouch. 

photokitty

I don't understand what the issue is? Invite them both as individuals. Then you can get 2 gifts out of them instead of one!! I mean that's what this is all about since you are inviting people to  shower and not the wedding and then an open house. 

This sounds like a massive gift grab...so rude.

lovegood90

Yeah, sorry but you have a bigger problem- you can only invite those to your shower who are coming to your WEDDING at Disney, NOT your cake and punch open house. You're basically telling these people, "come celebrate me at this party and come to a party showering me with gifts, but sorry you're not good enough to come to my wedding." Super, super rude.

[Deleted User]

photokitty said:

I don't understand what the issue is? Invite them both as individuals. Then you can get 2 gifts out of them instead of one!! I mean that's what this is all about since you are inviting people to  shower and not the wedding and then an open house. 

This sounds like a massive gift grab...so rude.

Exactly this.  I think you'd know better after lurking off and on for the last few years.  This is bad.

emkelly91

Q: My fiance and I decided to have a very intimate wedding. We are inviting only 20 guests to the wedding ceremony and to a family meal at my parent's home afterward. Am I still entitled to a wedding shower?

A:

Generally, we say that those who are invited to a wedding shower should also be invited to the wedding. This rule of etiquette comes from the notion that asking someone to a shower (i.e., asking them for a gift) and not inviting them to celebrate the big event is rude. But since you are having such a tiny wedding, the rules change a bit. In this case your shower will serve as a way to celebrate your upcoming marriage with those you cannot invite to your wedding. Guests should not be offended when they realize that your wedding ceremony and reception will consist of only 20 people -- so do make sure that they are aware of this! If, however, you are having a large celebration and your shower guests are left out, they would most certainly be offended. So yes, you are entitled to a wedding shower. Word the invitations as you would to any normal shower, then be sure to send thank-you notes for gifts -- as well as announcements after your wedding to all who attended the shower.

Based off this article posted here on TK, what I am doing by having a shower with guests not invited to the wedding is not rude at all. 

But the fact is that I don't have to justify myself to you, ladies. I'll sleep well tonight and every other night with or without your snarky comments.

To those that answered my question, thank you. We will probably invite them both.

ShesSoCold

emkelly91 said:

Q: My fiance and I decided to have a very intimate wedding. We are inviting only 20 guests to the wedding ceremony and to a family meal at my parent's home afterward. Am I still entitled to a wedding shower?

A:

Generally, we say that those who are invited to a wedding shower should also be invited to the wedding. This rule of etiquette comes from the notion that asking someone to a shower (i.e., asking them for a gift) and not inviting them to celebrate the big event is rude. But since you are having such a tiny wedding, the rules change a bit. In this case your shower will serve as a way to celebrate your upcoming marriage with those you cannot invite to your wedding. Guests should not be offended when they realize that your wedding ceremony and reception will consist of only 20 people -- so do make sure that they are aware of this! If, however, you are having a large celebration and your shower guests are left out, they would most certainly be offended. So yes, you are entitled to a wedding shower. Word the invitations as you would to any normal shower, then be sure to send thank-you notes for gifts -- as well as announcements after your wedding to all who attended the shower.

Based off this article posted here on TK, what I am doing by having a shower with guests not invited to the wedding is not rude at all. In fact, I even disagree with the way the originally question was worded. I'm not "entitled" to anything, but I'm blessed enough to have kind friends that are throwing me a shower.

It's not like I'm having a huge wedding and not inviting these people. I am having a destination wedding with immediate (parents, grandparents, and three extremely close friends) family only. This shower is being thrown by friends that I consider like family and 99.9% of the people invited are ones that are very dear to me. They have all known about the destination wedding for over a year and if they had an issue with being invited to the shower and not the actual wedding, then they have every right to decline to attend the shower. Every single person invited to the shower will later be invited ot the party. With the exception of this one guest in which I was conflicted over the incredibly awkward situation, I would never consider inviting them to the shower and not the celebration. 

For those of you who actually answered my question, thank you. We will probably end up sending an invitation to both of them.

The sooner you learn that you will likely get incorrect answers from places that benefit financially from you, the better off you'll be. 

[Deleted User]

Well, cutting and pasting something off the internet proves nothing.  I can probably find something from the internet that will PROVE that the world is flat.  So, I stand by my assertion that what you're doing is against etiquette.

justsie

I agree with ShesSoCold, why would you trust a website that benefits financially when it comes to etiquette advice?

ETS: "You are ENTITLED to a shower"? WTF, no one is entitled to presents. What an awful way of thinking. Gag

MyNameIsNot

I wouldn't invite either of them to the party. Inviting them to the party doesn't erase the rude of inviting her to the shower but not the wedding, and it's pretty clear that you aren't close to either of them. 

I'm glad you can manage to sleep through this. I would be so embarrassed to have acted this selfishly. Hopefully your church group is made up of the forgiving types and it doesn't tarnish their perception of you permanently. 

charcoalandblush

Q: My fiance and I decided to have a very intimate wedding. We are inviting only 20 guests to the wedding ceremony and to a family meal at my parent's home afterward. Am I still entitled to a wedding shower?

A:

Generally, we say that those who are invited to a wedding shower should also be invited to the wedding. This rule of etiquette comes from the notion that asking someone to a shower (i.e., asking them for a gift) and not inviting them to celebrate the big event is rude. But since you are having such a tiny wedding, the rules change a bit. In this case your shower will serve as a way to celebrate your upcoming marriage with those you cannot invite to your wedding. Guests should not be offended when they realize that your wedding ceremony and reception will consist of only 20 people -- so do make sure that they are aware of this! If, however, you are having a large celebration and your shower guests are left out, they would most certainly be offended. So yes, you are entitled to a wedding shower. Word the invitations as you would to any normal shower, then be sure to send thank-you notes for gifts -- as well as announcements after your wedding to all who attended the shower.

Based off this article posted here on TK, what I am doing by having a shower with guests not invited to the wedding is not rude at all. 

But the fact is that I don't have to justify myself to you, ladies. I'll sleep well tonight and every other night with or without your snarky comments.

To those that answered my question, thank you. We will probably invite them both.

Yeah and I wouldn't trust any resource that says you are entitled to anything related to your wedding. Except that you are entitled to marriage certificate if you are 18 or older and do all of your paperwork right.

LondonLisa

Yikes! Yes this is really, really rude. Everyone at a shower MUST be invited to the wedding, not a consolation open house.

flantastic

Hmm, OP.

The website that makes money when it gets people to throw multiple parties says it's okay.

Everyone in this thread says they would be offended to be invited to what you're planning, because such an invitation says to them that they are important enough to spend time and money on you and about you, but not important enough to actually see you get married.

I wonder who is correct about whether it's rude or not.

redoryx

Q: My fiance and I decided to have a very intimate wedding. We are inviting only 20 guests to the wedding ceremony and to a family meal at my parent's home afterward. Am I still entitled to a wedding shower?

A:

Generally, we say that those who are invited to a wedding shower should also be invited to the wedding. This rule of etiquette comes from the notion that asking someone to a shower (i.e., asking them for a gift) and not inviting them to celebrate the big event is rude. But since you are having such a tiny wedding, the rules change a bit. In this case your shower will serve as a way to celebrate your upcoming marriage with those you cannot invite to your wedding. Guests should not be offended when they realize that your wedding ceremony and reception will consist of only 20 people -- so do make sure that they are aware of this! If, however, you are having a large celebration and your shower guests are left out, they would most certainly be offended. So yes, you are entitled to a wedding shower. Word the invitations as you would to any normal shower, then be sure to send thank-you notes for gifts -- as well as announcements after your wedding to all who attended the shower.

Based off this article posted here on TK, what I am doing by having a shower with guests not invited to the wedding is not rude at all. 

But the fact is that I don't have to justify myself to you, ladies. I'll sleep well tonight and every other night with or without your snarky comments.

To those that answered my question, thank you. We will probably invite them both.

Translation = 

Since TK -- a business which only wants my money -- validated my rude idea I'm going to believe them rather than the bunch of strangers who have absolutely no stake in the game because I didn't like what you all had to say.

ILoveBeachMusic

I remember reading years ago, before the Knot and before the internet, that if an intimate ceremony was held (only immediate family) it was ok to have a party and invite a larger group of friends to that "reception". I can't remember the source for this or why one would have such a small ceremony. I think this is what OP was saying they are doing. I can't find a source now. Like I said this was many years ago.

hellosweetie1015

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I remember reading years ago, before the Knot and before the internet, that if an intimate ceremony was held (only immediate family) it was ok to have a party and invite a larger group of friends to that "reception". I can't remember the source for this or why one would have such a small ceremony. I think this is what OP was saying they are doing. I can't find a source now. Like I said this was many years ago.

That's fine.

Having a shower with those reception people is the etiquette faux pas.

SP29

OK, but don't we usually say that due to the common tradition for bridal showers to be held by coworkers or church groups, it's OK, because they aren't expecting to be invited? 

ashley8918

SP29 said:

OK, but don't we usually say that due to the common tradition for bridal showers to be held by coworkers or church groups, it's OK, because they aren't expecting to be invited? 

It doesn't sound like this shower is being hosted/held by the church group though. They are just (rudely) invited.

kvruns

SP29 said:

OK, but don't we usually say that due to the common tradition for bridal showers to be held by coworkers or church groups, it's OK, because they aren't expecting to be invited? 

My mind went there too at first.  My work just hosted a shower last week - only two people are on the invite list but the company always celebrates people getting married, having babies, etc. If it was just her small group getting together and having a shower I think it would be along those same lines and be within that logic, but it sounds like these church friends are invited to her regular shower so a wedding invite should have happened.

flantastic

But guys, you don't understand. OP wanted a shower. Why shouldn't she be able to have one just because she decided on a small wedding? It's her year - if people are anything but happy for her even when she's rude to them, or if they don't help her have every gift and experience she wants just because she feels entitled to it, THEY are obviously the ones who suck.

LondonLisa

flantastic said:

But guys, you don't understand. OP wanted  WAS ENTITLED TO a shower. Why shouldn't she be able to have one just because she decided on a small wedding? It's her year - if people are anything but happy for her even when she's rude to them, or if they don't help her have every gift and experience she wants just because she feels entitled to it, THEY are obviously the ones who suck.

FTFY