Invitation Wording

kristen258

flantastic

kristen258 said:

I am having major MIL issues... we decided to include her on our invitation to try to keep some peace. I am now hearing she is pissed at the way we worded it (the grooms father is deceased) 

The wording was : 

  Mr and Mrs (My parents) 

request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter

Me 

to the Groom

Son of Mrs. Grooms Mother

She is apparently flipping out saying she is a widow. What i read online prior to the invitations said not to mention a deceased person on your invite. Does anyone see a problem with this wording? Just trying to figure out if I did something wrong?? Or per the usual does she just want to give me a hard time

This is why only the hosts go on the invitation. You already did something "wrong" per invitation etiquette by including her name. Once you get into the territory of "recognizing" people with the invitation, where does it stop, and what are the rules? No one has a clue. What she asked for was already improper, so it doesn't surprise me that you can't predict what other kind of awkward wording she might want.

Jen4948

Well, you're correct that deceased persons should not be listed on your invitations, so her widowhood does not mean that her late husband should be listed.

It sounds like the invitation ship has sailed though if you've already sent out the invitations. So it's time for your FMIL to drop the issue of "including" her late husband on the invitations because there's no polite way to do that, and no way to do that at all if they've already been sent.  She will need to get over that.

That said, because she's feeling so sensitive about the matter, I'd consider subtle ways of remembering your FI's father at the wedding.  He could wear or carry something that belonged to his father, there could be food, drink, decorations, or entertainment that his father would have enjoyed, and there could a tribute to his father in a wedding program if you are using them.  He might also mention his father (if he doesn't overdo it) in a speech.  I'd have him talk to his mother and decide what they are comfortable with, and then find a way to work it into your plans. 

kristen258

Yes the ship has sailed you are right. I was just trying to figure out of i have to apologize for something. My fiancé has included some in memory type stuff at the wedding to remember his dad. He does not have a great relationship with his mom so he probably won't talk to her about it. But we have come up with some stuff- example the minister has worked him into our ceremony just a quick little mention of the people who have left us but our still close to our hearts and she will mention his name. We are also going to have a picture of him. 

Jen4948

kristen258 said:

Yes the ship has sailed you are right. I was just trying to figure out of i have to apologize for something. My fiancé has included some in memory type stuff at the wedding to remember his dad. He does not have a great relationship with his mom so he probably won't talk to her about it. But we have come up with some stuff- example the minister has worked him into our ceremony just a quick little mention of the people who have left us but our still close to our hearts and she will mention his name. We are also going to have a picture of him. 

I wouldn't have the picture.  That's a pretty unsubtle reminder not only of his absence but of the reason for his absence.  Your wedding isn't a memorial service, so you don't want to evoke grief and loss with reminders that are too strong. But the other things you have mentioned sound nice.

kristen258

ahh I didn't think of it that way.. good point. We will nix the picture. Maybe I will get  my fiancé a small locket that will fit in his breast pocket that will have a picture of his father so he can be close to his heart

Jen4948

kristen258 said:

ahh I didn't think of it that way.. good point. We will nix the picture. Maybe I will get  my fiancé a small locket that will fit in his breast pocket that will have a picture of his father so he can be close to his heart

That sounds lovely.

Jen4948

Why did you delete your OP? That's considered inappropriate here in this forum.

CMGragain

Just to clarify, a widow is traditionally addressed by her title, "Mrs. John Doe".  This is not listing your late FIL.  This is simply her proper title.

It was very rude of you to delete your post.

huskypuppy14

CMGragain said:

Just to clarify, a widow is traditionally addressed by her title, "Mrs. John Doe".  This is not listing your late FIL.  This is simply her proper title.

It was very rude of you to delete your post.

OP, do you know what she was upset about? Was it the fact that it didn't say Mr. and Mrs. Husband Name, or that it didn't say Mrs. Husband name. If it's the latter, like CMGragain has said above than you haven't listed her how she prefers. You late FFIL should not be on the invitation in any way, so you were correct about that.

CMG, we know this is how you like to be addressed, but not every woman/widow likes to be addressed this way. It's old fashioned to say this is her proper title. That will never be my proper title, because I kept my last name. It won't be many of the ladies proper title, because that is not what they want to be called. Just try to remember that not everyone is on the same page as you on this topic.  My grandmother is 75 and she prefers Mrs. Grandma Lastname, not Mrs. Grandfather Lastname. My grandmother also has her maiden name as her middle name. Wasn't she progressive!

CMGragain

huskypuppy14 said:

CMGragain said:

Just to clarify, a widow is traditionally addressed by her title, "Mrs. John Doe".  This is not listing your late FIL.  This is simply her proper title.

It was very rude of you to delete your post.

OP, do you know what she was upset about? Was it the fact that it didn't say Mr. and Mrs. Husband Name, or that it didn't say Mrs. Husband name. If it's the latter, like CMGragain has said above than you haven't listed her how she prefers. You late FFIL should not be on the invitation in any way, so you were correct about that.

CMG, we know this is how you like to be addressed, but not every woman/widow likes to be addressed this way. It's old fashioned to say this is her proper title. That will never be my proper title, because I kept my last name. It won't be many of the ladies proper title, because that is not what they want to be called. Just try to remember that not everyone is on the same page as you on this topic.  My grandmother is 75 and she prefers Mrs. Grandma Lastname, not Mrs. Grandfather Lastname. My grandmother also has her maiden name as her middle name. Wasn't she progressive!

I always say the you address someone the way he/she wishes to be addressed.  I think we do need more information from our very rude OP about why her MIL was upset.  I just assumed she was confused about etiquette.

I did qualify my answer by stating that this was her traditional title.  Not everyone wants to be traditional.  My own mother decided to be "Mrs. Jane Firsthusbandsname". She didn't want to admit to her subsequent marriages.