Vietnamese traditions in American wedding?

lildropofsunshine

I would be asking any FMIL what was important to her to include because I would want her to be happy with the wedding, or at least some details of it. I'm a people pleaser, I can't help it.

turqouise55

lildropofsunshine said:

I would be asking any FMIL what was important to her to include because I would want her to be happy with the wedding, or at least some details of it. I'm a people pleaser, I can't help it.

I think the best course of action is to talk to your FMIL through your aunt, your aunt, and your FI about which traditions are the most important to include and how they should best be included. 

I don't think what you're doing is cultural appropriation (this is your fiance's culture and you're trying to be respectful and welcoming to his family), and I don't know why other posters are accusing you of cultural appropriation.

justsie

turqouise55 said:

lildropofsunshine said:

I would be asking any FMIL what was important to her to include because I would want her to be happy with the wedding, or at least some details of it. I'm a people pleaser, I can't help it.

I think the best course of action is to talk to your FMIL through your aunt, your aunt, and your FI about which traditions are the most important to include and how they should best be included. 

I don't think what you're doing is cultural appropriation (this is your fiance's culture and you're trying to be respectful and welcoming to his family), and I don't know why other posters are accusing you of cultural appropriation.

I can explain why. PP has stated that her FI does not care to bring in any of the customs into the american wedding they are having (in OPs original post she states she is having both an american wedding and a Vietnamese wedding). FI's mom hasn't stated that she wants to invite the OP into any of these traditions. Instead OP is already planning on adopting one tradition and is going to ask FMIL and aunt what other traditions she should include. According to OP, the FMIL already doesn't like that her son is marring someone that isn't asian, so how is she going to feel when that person also starts asking about all the traditions that she may or may not hold dear to HER and her families culture- of which the OP does not belong.

I'm all for including traditions if the family that belongs to that culture invites you to participate in them. I am not all for inviting yourself into the traditions of a culture you do not belong to. 

lildropofsunshine

It's not any different than my FSIL asking my mom if there's anything that she would like to see in my brother's wedding (which she has done, because she wants to be inviting to my mom as she's joining our family). My mom happens to not care, but she appreciated being asked.

justsie

lildropofsunshine said:

It's not any different than my FSIL asking my mom if there's anything that she would like to see in my brother's wedding (which she has done, because she wants to be inviting to my mom as she's joining our family). My mom happens to not care, but she appreciated being asked.

Was she asking about cultural traditions that belong to a culture your FSIL does not or just if your mom had anything she wanted to include? To me those are very different questions. Also, its different asking FI "Hey would you like to include any of your cultural traditions?" Over going "I'm already doing a tea ceremony and thinking about wearing a red dress because they belong to your culture, what else do you want me to include". The first question allows the person of that culture to invite you to participate, the other one assumes you can use their culture.

turqouise55

justsie said:

lildropofsunshine said:

It's not any different than my FSIL asking my mom if there's anything that she would like to see in my brother's wedding (which she has done, because she wants to be inviting to my mom as she's joining our family). My mom happens to not care, but she appreciated being asked.

Was she asking about cultural traditions that belong to a culture your FSIL does not or just if your mom had anything she wanted to include? To me those are very different questions. Also, its different asking FI "Hey would you like to include any of your cultural traditions?" Over going "I'm already doing a tea ceremony and thinking about wearing a red dress because they belong to your culture, what else do you want me to include". The first question allows the person of that culture to invite you to participate, the other one assumes you can use their culture.

I don't know. I don't think that trying to make an effort to be inclusive to her fiance's family is "using" a culture. None of her FI's family seems to mind; it just seems like she's not particularly close with her FMIL and so she hasn't been able to talk to her as much about wedding planning.

But for the record, I do think that your FI should be taking more of an active role in planning if you are wanting to incorporate Vietnamese traditions in the wedding.

lildropofsunshine

For the record, I don't care whatsoever about doing the tea ceremony, but FI said right away that he was sure his mom would require that. I wouldn't have even known to think about a tea ceremony! So it's more of a "Your son said we need to include X, is there anything else you would like to have included?"

hellohkb

lildropofsunshine said:

For the record, I don't care whatsoever about doing the tea ceremony, but FI said right away that he was sure his mom would require that. I wouldn't have even known to think about a tea ceremony! So it's more of a "Your son said we need to include X, is there anything else you would like to have included?"

In that case, I would definitely sit down with your FI, his aunt, and your FMIL and ask. 

I thought my mother and FI's mother may inquire about adding a cultural tradition (I am Puerto Rican, FI is Italian) but no one has mentioned it yet. For some families it's not a big deal, but it seems your FMIL already suggested a tea ceremony, so they may be important to her. Out of sheer curiosity, are you adding any elements from your own culture?

lildropofsunshine

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

hellohkb

lildropofsunshine said:

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

Very cool. Good luck!

lildropofsunshine

hellohkb said:

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

Very cool. Good luck!

I guess...there's not much "cool" about being about as culturally American as humanly possible to me lol. Both my parents are white, and even though my mom is 100% Swedish, that culture never played much of a role in her life, and my dad's a mutt...and I've never lived anywhere but the US...so yeah, I'm just apple pie American.

hellohkb

lildropofsunshine said:

hellohkb said:

lildropofsunshine said:

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

Very cool. Good luck!

I guess...there's not much "cool" about being about as culturally American as humanly possible to me lol. Both my parents are white, and even though my mom is 100% Swedish, that culture never played much of a role in her life, and my dad's a mutt...and I've never lived anywhere but the US...so yeah, I'm just apple pie American.

I meant the religious aspect

lildropofsunshine

hellohkb said:

hellohkb said:

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

Very cool. Good luck!

I guess...there's not much "cool" about being about as culturally American as humanly possible to me lol. Both my parents are white, and even though my mom is 100% Swedish, that culture never played much of a role in her life, and my dad's a mutt...and I've never lived anywhere but the US...so yeah, I'm just apple pie American.

I meant the religious aspect

Oh haha. I guess. I'm not overly religious or anything, but I was baptized and confirmed in my church at home, and I just want to come full circle and get married there too

TrixieJess

lildropofsunshine said:

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

You do realise that the tea ceremony is religious. It's a part of a Buddhist ceremony. 

lildropofsunshine

TrixieJess said:

lildropofsunshine said:

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

You do realise that the tea ceremony is religious. It's a part of a Buddhist ceremony. 

I was talking about the wedding ceremony itself...as in the church ceremony.

TrixieJess

lildropofsunshine said:

TrixieJess said:

lildropofsunshine said:

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

You do realise that the tea ceremony is religious. It's a part of a Buddhist ceremony. 

I was talking about the wedding ceremony itself...as in the church ceremony.

The problem is, that the Tea Ceremony is a Unity Ceremony and is part of the Buddhist wedding ceremony. If you are using it, it is part of the wedding ceremony. 

This is why you have been accused of appropriation. You clearly are cherry picking traditions that you don't understand the full meaning of. Have you ever attended an Asian wedding? Or any Buddhist ceremony? Do you understand the symbolism of everything involved or is it just something that looks "neat"? Please, before you offend your new family, sit down and have them explain why these things are either important or not. Do NOT use them if they do not want you to or if it's not important to them.

lildropofsunshine

TrixieJess said:

lildropofsunshine said:

TrixieJess said:

lildropofsunshine said:

What I'm bringing is the religious ceremony. It is very important to me to get married in my church, and FI isn't particularly religious, so it works out for the both of us. I don't have any specific culture to bring -- until last year I couldn't even tell you what my ethnicity was other than "black" or "African American" (I found out from my birth mother that I'm part Liberian)...but I've researched it, and there really isn't anything Liberian to bring to the table, and it's not my culture anyway, just my ethnic background.

You do realise that the tea ceremony is religious. It's a part of a Buddhist ceremony. 

I was talking about the wedding ceremony itself...as in the church ceremony.

The problem is, that the Tea Ceremony is a Unity Ceremony and is part of the Buddhist wedding ceremony. If you are using it, it is part of the wedding ceremony. 

This is why you have been accused of appropriation. You clearly are cherry picking traditions that you don't understand the full meaning of. Have you ever attended an Asian wedding? Or any Buddhist ceremony? Do you understand the symbolism of everything involved or is it just something that looks "neat"? Please, before you offend your new family, sit down and have them explain why these things are either important or not. Do NOT use them if they do not want you to or if it's not important to them.

I'm aware that the tea ceremony is a unity ceremony, but it is not the full wedding ceremony, which is good because having a full church ceremony is important to me. 

And no, I am not at all cherry picking anything. It was my fiance who said we absolutely 100% need to have a tea ceremony, and he explained it to me because I had no idea that the Vietnamese had a tea ceremony.