Chit Chat

My wedding regrets. Any advice on how to move on?

edited July 2015 in Chit Chat
I was just recently married in April 2015 and I just haven't been able to shake off all of the things that went wrong. I've tried reading other bride's stories and talking to close friends, but nothing seems to help.
I will start out by saying that the wedding planning was not as fun as I expected. I was stressed the entire time. We had a 5 month engagement & we had originally planned an intimate wedding with a 30 people guest list. We didn't want anything fancy or extravagant, but of course that changed once friends & family got involved. To make a long story short, I ended up getting wrapped up in all the stuff that didn't matter. That's when the stressed kicked in. I was suddenly more focused on everything looking perfect & instead of on the love my husband & I shared. We hardly saw each other during the planning, there wasn't very much communication. My best friends did a ton of work for us, to the point where I felt guilty. I let down loved ones & didn't include them in the planning, mainly due to the fact that everything started becoming so last min & spur of the moment. Our small wedding ended up turning into 100 guests & triple the amount of our budget. I kept telling myself it would all pay off in the end, that our day would be perfect & worth it... little did I know...
It rained the whole time on our wedding day & yes it was an outdoor wedding. I didn't get to walk down the aisle like I always dreamt of doing. I walked down the side stairs of the beach house and right to the wedding arch while I was holding an umbrella over my dad & I (I also accidentally poked him in the eye) all of the wedding guests were getting rained on too. I also forgot to communicate about not having a microphone during the ceremony. I wasn't able to say my vows the right way because of it. I got stage fright & I honestly can't even remember all that I said, all I know is that it wasn't very romantic & I made a comment about the rain. (The microphone kept going in & out as well) We were supposed to do a photo shoot after the ceremony, but that didn't happen due to the weather. It was so hot & humid. My hair frizzed up & make up started running & I was sweating the entire time. Due to the chaos I didn't get any family pics with my husband's side. (They didn't come to me either) though things have always been rocky between us, it still wasn't intentional to forget about taking pictures with them & it's one of my biggest regrets. I didn't get to throw my garter or bouquet. No one saw us cut the cake. Our first dance was awkward because we were cramped in a small spot where everyone was watching & we didn't even have it rehearsed. I didn't get to eat any of the food or enjoy the cake or even sit down at our table. Everything was gorgeous, but nothing was organized. I even started getting frustrated with some family members. It was a really big let down for my husband & I. By the end of the night, we were so exhausted & we still had to gather our things to head out to a hotel for the evening before leaving for our cruise the next day. EVERYTHING was rushed & there isn't a single moment I enjoyed. I'm grateful for everyone who helped & everyone who came despite of the weather, but I just wish I could go back in time & change it all. I'm hurt & crushed every time I think of our wedding or even see someone else' wedding. It rained on our honeymoon too. :(
We were told about rain being good luck & that the guests still enjoyed themselves. Some days I'm okay with things & love our rainy day wedding. Other days I just feel so embarrassed and want to cry for listening to everyone else (although it was ultimately my decision) I'm sure other bride's know the pressure I felt... Any advice on how to feel better?
Ps. Thanks for reading!
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Re: My wedding regrets. Any advice on how to move on?

  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    I thought I'd be super disappointed if it rained. Being able to get married outside was one of my biggest requirements for a venue. Lo and behold, it rained. Because Minnesota says fuck you, that's why. Also humid and windy as hell. We were going to go for it but when I was holding my veil to my head while walking into the building, we decided at the last minute nope, not happening. 

    It ended up being easier. No tromping through the grass, more fluid movement from ceremony to cocktail hour to dinner, everybody stayed dry and comfortable, pictures still turned out great. Felt too sick with excitement to eat much, but I hear the food was great!

    You're married. Guests enjoyed themselves. That's what matters. Little things that went wrong just become funny stories later. 
    image
  • Maybe lean back a little? Stop reading other brides' stories, get off the knot, stop talking to your friends about it, and when you find yourself thinking about it tell yourself nope and go do something?
    adk19justsiePrettyGirlLost
  • Time. That's really the only thing I've got. And focus on the fact that you and your H are married now!

    DH and I got married July 12th of LAST year and I still feel like a huge ass and a ton of guilt over pretty much the entire thing. I obsessed over everything that went wrong and what I hated. I could probably name 30 things that make me embarrassed about it and then still have more to go. Invites, dress, flowers, invite list, location, time. I wish I could apologize to everyone and then go back in time and redo it.

    We had a short engagement - Dec to July. I have never been so stressed in my life - I started having panic attacks towards the end. My relationship with my MIL is not the same because she caused 99% of it. She didn't like a decision - she changed it behind my back, she didn't like that I was taking a moment to think about things - she made the decision. I had purchased my dress already - she didn't like it so she went and bought me something else and refused to give me the info to contact the tailor for alterations until I agreed to wear it. I actually remember feeling strong hatred towards the entire thing once it was over.

    But I focused on the fact that I am now married to the love of my life. He's mine and I'm his. Every time I see that ring on his finger I get butterflies. I do still obsess over every thing about that wedding, but it's internal and less frequent now. I also feel more confident giving out advice to planning brides - I suggest you do this, not that type of thing. I'm sorry you didn't like your wedding, I hope you can find something bright about it to help you get through.
    Anniversary

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  • kvrunskvruns
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Time. That's really the only thing I've got. And focus on the fact that you and your H are married now! DH and I got married July 12th of LAST year and I still feel like a huge ass and a ton of guilt over pretty much the entire thing. I obsessed over everything that went wrong and what I hated. I could probably name 30 things that make me embarrassed about it and then still have more to go. Invites, dress, flowers, invite list, location, time. I wish I could apologize to everyone and then go back in time and redo it. We had a short engagement - Dec to July. I have never been so stressed in my life - I started having panic attacks towards the end. My relationship with my MIL is not the same because she caused 99% of it. She didn't like a decision - she changed it behind my back, she didn't like that I was taking a moment to think about things - she made the decision. I had purchased my dress already - she didn't like it so she went and bought me something else and refused to give me the info to contact the tailor for alterations until I agreed to wear it. I actually remember feeling strong hatred towards the entire thing once it was over. But I focused on the fact that I am now married to the love of my life. He's mine and I'm his. Every time I see that ring on his finger I get butterflies. I do still obsess over every thing about that wedding, but it's internal and less frequent now. I also feel more confident giving out advice to planning brides - I suggest you do this, not that type of thing. I'm sorry you didn't like your wedding, I hope you can find something bright about it to help you get through.
    She bought you a different dress?!?!  Which one did you wear? Hope you just chose a different tailor and not whatever craziness she wanted
  • kvruns said:



    Time. That's really the only thing I've got. And focus on the fact that you and your H are married now!

    DH and I got married July 12th of LAST year and I still feel like a huge ass and a ton of guilt over pretty much the entire thing. I obsessed over everything that went wrong and what I hated. I could probably name 30 things that make me embarrassed about it and then still have more to go. Invites, dress, flowers, invite list, location, time. I wish I could apologize to everyone and then go back in time and redo it.

    We had a short engagement - Dec to July. I have never been so stressed in my life - I started having panic attacks towards the end. My relationship with my MIL is not the same because she caused 99% of it. She didn't like a decision - she changed it behind my back, she didn't like that I was taking a moment to think about things - she made the decision. I had purchased my dress already - she didn't like it so she went and bought me something else and refused to give me the info to contact the tailor for alterations until I agreed to wear it. I actually remember feeling strong hatred towards the entire thing once it was over.

    But I focused on the fact that I am now married to the love of my life. He's mine and I'm his. Every time I see that ring on his finger I get butterflies. I do still obsess over every thing about that wedding, but it's internal and less frequent now. I also feel more confident giving out advice to planning brides - I suggest you do this, not that type of thing. I'm sorry you didn't like your wedding, I hope you can find something bright about it to help you get through.

    She bought you a different dress?!?!  Which one did you wear? Hope you just chose a different tailor and not whatever craziness she wanted


    @kvruns I wore the dress she bought. The whole tailor thing was an issue because she's a family member and MIL had already asked her to do the alterations, flowers and photography. So if I went another direction I would have caused a rift in the family. It was a shit storm.

    At the end I just went along with it because I was tired of fighting and it wasn't worth it for most of the stuff she wanted. There were a few things I cared enough about that I was willing to die on the hill so to speak (she wanted to paint the silverware handles with glitter paint!).
    Anniversary

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  • sarahuflsarahufl New York
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    kvruns said:
    Time. That's really the only thing I've got. And focus on the fact that you and your H are married now! DH and I got married July 12th of LAST year and I still feel like a huge ass and a ton of guilt over pretty much the entire thing. I obsessed over everything that went wrong and what I hated. I could probably name 30 things that make me embarrassed about it and then still have more to go. Invites, dress, flowers, invite list, location, time. I wish I could apologize to everyone and then go back in time and redo it. We had a short engagement - Dec to July. I have never been so stressed in my life - I started having panic attacks towards the end. My relationship with my MIL is not the same because she caused 99% of it. She didn't like a decision - she changed it behind my back, she didn't like that I was taking a moment to think about things - she made the decision. I had purchased my dress already - she didn't like it so she went and bought me something else and refused to give me the info to contact the tailor for alterations until I agreed to wear it. I actually remember feeling strong hatred towards the entire thing once it was over. But I focused on the fact that I am now married to the love of my life. He's mine and I'm his. Every time I see that ring on his finger I get butterflies. I do still obsess over every thing about that wedding, but it's internal and less frequent now. I also feel more confident giving out advice to planning brides - I suggest you do this, not that type of thing. I'm sorry you didn't like your wedding, I hope you can find something bright about it to help you get through.
    She bought you a different dress?!?!  Which one did you wear? Hope you just chose a different tailor and not whatever craziness she wanted
    I need more information about this. That is just....way overboard.
    image
    AprilH81
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    A lot of things went wrong during my wedding. The DJ was late. The sound system stopped working during our ceremony. Our entire cake fell onto the dance floor. The DJ then didn't have my play list and started playing random weird songs. I ripped my dress. I didn't get ANY pictures with my family or my H's family. I blinked and the day was over. 

    There's nothing you can do to change what happened. You can't go back in time. The most important thing is that you are married and have lots of very happy memories ahead of you. 

    lyndausviKnottie74039898onefootinthebayouperdj182xxxx
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    A lot of things went wrong during my wedding. The DJ was late. The sound system stopped working during our ceremony. Our entire cake fell onto the dance floor. The DJ then didn't have my play list and started playing random weird songs. I ripped my dress. I didn't get ANY pictures with my family or my H's family. I blinked and the day was over. 

    There's nothing you can do to change what happened. You can't go back in time. The most important thing is that you are married and have lots of very happy memories ahead of you. 
    I always hear about cakes falling. Did it hit anyone? That would be my biggest fear- that it would fall ON SOMEONE.
    image
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    sarahufl said:
    A lot of things went wrong during my wedding. The DJ was late. The sound system stopped working during our ceremony. Our entire cake fell onto the dance floor. The DJ then didn't have my play list and started playing random weird songs. I ripped my dress. I didn't get ANY pictures with my family or my H's family. I blinked and the day was over. 

    There's nothing you can do to change what happened. You can't go back in time. The most important thing is that you are married and have lots of very happy memories ahead of you. 
    I always hear about cakes falling. Did it hit anyone? That would be my biggest fear- that it would fall ON SOMEONE.
    I went to a wedding last summer (I think it was last summer) and the couple cut the cake and then the caterer picked it up to take it in the back to finish cutting it.  Well as he was walking it across the dance floor the top tier fell and slammed into his face.  Luckily there was still plenty of cake to go around but seeing this guy get hit in the face by the cake was very amusing.

    But I did have to question why this dude picked it up and carried it across the dance floor.  Why not just cut it where it was displayed?  I mean I know it wouldn't look all that nice but at least the cake wouldn't have fallen onto him.  Also it was like level 7 of hell that day for an outside wedding so I am thinking the warm weather didn't help and may have been a factor in why the cake fell.

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    sarahufl said:
    A lot of things went wrong during my wedding. The DJ was late. The sound system stopped working during our ceremony. Our entire cake fell onto the dance floor. The DJ then didn't have my play list and started playing random weird songs. I ripped my dress. I didn't get ANY pictures with my family or my H's family. I blinked and the day was over. 

    There's nothing you can do to change what happened. You can't go back in time. The most important thing is that you are married and have lots of very happy memories ahead of you. 
    I always hear about cakes falling. Did it hit anyone? That would be my biggest fear- that it would fall ON SOMEONE.
    The cake fell right as people were walking into the reception room. Thankfully no one was hit! 

  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    mod
    We had quite a few hiccups during our day as well.  For starters, can't control the weather.  It rained the whole day so we couldn't take our photos outside.  My dress was slightly too big so I spent the whole night adjusting it.  The corsages and boutonnieres fell apart because they weren't wired to the water source (luckily I was refunded for those).  The DJ didn't play the variety of music I had asked for.  


    Anniversary



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  • sarahuflsarahufl New York
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    sarahufl said:
    A lot of things went wrong during my wedding. The DJ was late. The sound system stopped working during our ceremony. Our entire cake fell onto the dance floor. The DJ then didn't have my play list and started playing random weird songs. I ripped my dress. I didn't get ANY pictures with my family or my H's family. I blinked and the day was over. 

    There's nothing you can do to change what happened. You can't go back in time. The most important thing is that you are married and have lots of very happy memories ahead of you. 
    I always hear about cakes falling. Did it hit anyone? That would be my biggest fear- that it would fall ON SOMEONE.
    The cake fell right as people were walking into the reception room. Thankfully no one was hit! 
    that is a relief, at least- I would never forgive myself if it fell on someone.
    image
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    sarahufl said:
    A lot of things went wrong during my wedding. The DJ was late. The sound system stopped working during our ceremony. Our entire cake fell onto the dance floor. The DJ then didn't have my play list and started playing random weird songs. I ripped my dress. I didn't get ANY pictures with my family or my H's family. I blinked and the day was over. 

    There's nothing you can do to change what happened. You can't go back in time. The most important thing is that you are married and have lots of very happy memories ahead of you. 
    I always hear about cakes falling. Did it hit anyone? That would be my biggest fear- that it would fall ON SOMEONE.
    I went to a wedding last summer (I think it was last summer) and the couple cut the cake and then the caterer picked it up to take it in the back to finish cutting it.  Well as he was walking it across the dance floor the top tier fell and slammed into his face.  Luckily there was still plenty of cake to go around but seeing this guy get hit in the face by the cake was very amusing.

    But I did have to question why this dude picked it up and carried it across the dance floor.  Why not just cut it where it was displayed?  I mean I know it wouldn't look all that nice but at least the cake wouldn't have fallen onto him.  Also it was like level 7 of hell that day for an outside wedding so I am thinking the warm weather didn't help and may have been a factor in why the cake fell.
    normally it's because of space.   The cake table isn't normally big enough to actually cut and plate the cake.   You have to remove the layers, cut, plate. Those things need a place to be put down.   It takes a few staff members, which also takes up space.    Then people see the cake being cake can want to crowd around.

    All the places I've worked they cut the cake, move it to the kitchen or another room near by to be cut and plated.   Even 30 cake plates take up a lot of room.  Which about what is sitting waiting for the staff to pass them throughout the room.    That is room that you do not want to waste in the main reception area.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    LulawifePrettyGirlLost
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
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    I'm sorry you feel this way OP. It wasn't just the things that went wrong, it was giving into the pressure and demands of others. 

    We had a photographer issue and months after the fact, I was still harboring resentment over the situation. It's since been resolved and I've been able to let go of my anger and look back at our day fondly. So, I agree that this will take time to get past. Keep focusing on the silver lining that you are married!

    If I were you I'd plan something really special for your first anniversary. Maybe a weekend getaway to a romantic B&B or hotel. 
    ________________________________


    Knottie74039898OliveOilsMom
  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    So many things went wrong at my wedding that it's not even worth the effort to list them out. It didn't matter because I was surrounded by people we loved, people had fully happy bellies, enough to drink, and had a great time. The more you fixate on the stuff that went wrong, the more you're dooming yourself to never being happy with what you have.

    I'd recommend that you find something new to fixate on. You spent months planning a wedding and, now that that's done, it sounds like you have a bit of a hole--- a hole that you're filling by fixating on the wedding. you need to find something that excites you.

    My sister got pretty bummed after her wedding. Her wedding went as planned but the end to the excitement got to her. She was in a bad place for a while, until she found something new to get excited about.
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    luckya23OliveOilsMom
  • I would classify my wedding as somewhat of a disaster, almost all related to the weather.  I still had a good time for most of that day, but being a guest probably did suck.  They set up the venue tables in a really horrible way.  We didn't get our outdoor photos either.

    I think it's good to remember that it doesn't matter if you had "the best wedding ever."  People keep telling me mine will certainly be memorable, although I know it's not in a good way!

    I really did not like planning though, so most of my good feelings about it are just that it's over!  I would really love to have had a better chance at photos, though.  I think my MOH is only in one of them!! 

    At least you are done planning, OP! 

    image

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  • I just had a conversation about this with my MOH.  I'm stressing a bit about little details (weddding is in about a month and a half), and she said if something goes wrong on the day, I'll probably be the only one that notices (obviously weather will be noticeable, but that's not something you can fix).  She said at her wedding, which was a small affair in Belize on the beach, the guy playing the music played "Here Comes the Bride" when she had told him that was the one song she DIDN'T want played.  Also her husband wore shoes when they were supposed to be barefoot.  But do you think any of the guests or anybody knew any of that?  Nope, just her (and probably him after the fact).
    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • Honestly with my IL's shenanigans, I was more worried before the wedding than when it was taking place!

    MIL did end up putting up pew bows that I said I didn't want, but her intended extra bridal party members apparently got the message and weren't even dressed in the wedding colors that they were so adamant about.

    BIL did not end up wearing his Navy dress blues after all, and did not propose at my wedding like I just knew he was intending (he waited until the next day after MIL told him not to). 

    So even though it was freezing cold, it still went better than I expected! haha

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  • AddieCake said:
    I was just recently married in April 2015 and I just haven't been able to shake off all of the things that went wrong. I've tried reading other bride's stories and talking to close friends, but nothing seems to help. I will start out by saying that the wedding planning was not as fun as I expected. I was stressed the entire time. We had a 5 month engagement & we had originally planned an intimate wedding with a 30 people guest list. We didn't want anything fancy or extravagant, but of course that changed once friends & family got involved. To make a long story short, I ended up getting wrapped up in all the stuff that didn't matter. That's when the stressed kicked in. I was suddenly more focused on everything looking perfect & instead of on the love my husband & I shared. We hardly saw each other during the planning, there wasn't very much communication. My best friends did a ton of work for us, to the point where I felt guilty. I let down loved ones & didn't include them in the planning, mainly due to the fact that everything started becoming so last min & spur of the moment. Our small wedding ended up turning into 100 guests & triple the amount of our budget. I kept telling myself it would all pay off in the end, that our day would be perfect & worth it... little did I know... It rained the whole time on our wedding day & yes it was an outdoor wedding. I didn't get to walk down the aisle like I always dreamt of doing. I walked down the side stairs of the beach house and right to the wedding arch while I was holding an umbrella over my dad & I (I also accidentally poked him in the eye) all of the wedding guests were getting rained on too. I also forgot to communicate about not having a microphone during the ceremony. I wasn't able to say my vows the right way because of it. I got stage fright & I honestly can't even remember all that I said, all I know is that it wasn't very romantic & I made a comment about the rain. (The microphone kept going in & out as well) We were supposed to do a photo shoot after the ceremony, but that didn't happen due to the weather. It was so hot & humid. My hair frizzed up & make up started running & I was sweating the entire time. Due to the chaos I didn't get any family pics with my husband's side. (They didn't come to me either) though things have always been rocky between us, it still wasn't intentional to forget about taking pictures with them & it's one of my biggest regrets. I didn't get to throw my garter or bouquet. No one saw us cut the cake. Our first dance was awkward because we were cramped in a small spot where everyone was watching & we didn't even have it rehearsed. I didn't get to eat any of the food or enjoy the cake or even sit down at our table. Everything was gorgeous, but nothing was organized. I even started getting frustrated with some family members. It was a really big let down for my husband & I. By the end of the night, we were so exhausted & we still had to gather our things to head out to a hotel for the evening before leaving for our cruise the next day. EVERYTHING was rushed & there isn't a single moment I enjoyed. I'm grateful for everyone who helped & everyone who came despite of the weather, but I just wish I could go back in time & change it all. I'm hurt & crushed every time I think of our wedding or even see someone else' wedding. It rained on our honeymoon too. :( We were told about rain being good luck & that the guests still enjoyed themselves. Some days I'm okay with things & love our rainy day wedding. Other days I just feel so embarrassed and want to cry for listening to everyone else (although it was ultimately my decision) I'm sure other bride's know the pressure I felt... Any advice on how to feel better? Ps. Thanks for reading!
    Did you not have a backup plan? You in case it rained? You still had the wedding outside?

    I really don't think it is necessary to harp on her for the things she did wrong. She is upset enough as it is.
    I wouldn't really call it harping. Just asking questions. Her feelings are based off of something she couldn't control. Not saying she can't have those feelings, but some of them wouldn't be there if she had plans in case it rained.
    charcoalandblush
  • OP, I'm sorry that things went wrong and that you're feeling so down about it. I like the suggestion PP had, that you should plan something really great for your first anniversary so that you and your H can make new memories. 

    You can't change what has already happened, but you can control what you do moving forward. 
    image
    onefootinthebayou
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    Obviously some of the feelings wouldn't be there. I just feel like you're kicking her when she is down.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    sarahufl
  • By asking simple questions? WTH? If OP had been a guest, people would have been "I would have just left" or snarked on why she didn't have a backup plan. Plenty of people have come on here complaining that their wedding wasn't perfect as they planned and given snarky "get over it" responses. Which I didn't do. I just asked a couple questions.
    Casadena
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