Bridesmaid problem....

Knottie1447786844

Hi everyone! I have a slight problem. I asked a girl to be a bridesmaid out of pressure. This girl also happens to be my love's best friend's (who is his best man) girlfriend. Thing is, I have zero close friends. In the 2 years I've known this girl, we've talked a total of 3 hours. And she's the closest friend I have. The way my love popped the question to his friend put me on the spot and I felt obligated to include her. After honest thought, I'd rather have nobody stand with me than someone I'm not close to. It's a small wedding, no more than 70 guests and is mostly family. She's showed no interest in any planning etc and nothing has been purchased at this time. Can I politely ask her to step down our am I stuck with this mistake? (Note: I honestly don't care if she likes me or talks to me again, and it's not going to effect the friendship between the guys either way, also, she's the only one I've asked)

JediElizabeth

Knottie1447786844 said:

Hi everyone! I have a slight problem. I asked a girl to be a bridesmaid out of pressure. This girl also happens to be my love's best friend's (who is his best man) girlfriend. Thing is, I have zero close friends. In the 2 years I've known this girl, we've talked a total of 3 hours. And she's the closest friend I have. The way my love popped the question to his friend put me on the spot and I felt obligated to include her. After honest thought, I'd rather have nobody stand with me than someone I'm not close to. It's a small wedding, no more than 70 guests and is mostly family. She's showed no interest in any planning etc and nothing has been purchased at this time. Can I politely ask her to step down our am I stuck with this mistake? (Note: I honestly don't care if she likes me or talks to me again, and it's not going to effect the friendship between the guys either way, also, she's the only one I've asked)

I'd like to know why you felt pressured: did your FI make you feel like you had to ask both, or did you just feel like it was awkward with him asking and not you? Did you get caught up in the moment? Did you have anyone in mind to ask (siblings maybe?) before you asked her?

Either way, it's a friendship-ending move to ask someone to step down, but it seems like you don't have a friendship with her anyway?

Jen4948

You weren't obligated to ask her just because your FI asked her SO to be his best man.

If you don't want to be friends with her and it won't affect your FI's relationship with his best man, then I think you can ask her to step down, but it sounds like she doesn't care one way or the other.  You'll still have to invite her to your wedding though because she is the best man's SO.

EvilSockLady

You've asked her and asking her to back out at this point would not be nice and would probably hurt your FI since they are close.

I would just tell her to wear whatever dress she wants, let her walk down the aisle, get her a gift that your FI thinks she'd like, and be done with it.
Do a sweetheart table or sit with with family too at the reception. Tell your photographer that you do not need a lot of pictures with the bridesmaid; you'd rather have more with the family and your husband.

You don't have to be best friends with this woman. You don't even need to make her an integral part of your wedding.

simcal18

Suck it up buttercup.  You asked this woman, and it would be incredibly rude to un-ask her.  She's going to be part of your social circle going forward because she's your FI's best friend's girlfriend, so burning bridges with her is a very bad idea.  I don't understand how it wouldn't affect the friendship between the guys--if I were her boyfriend, I'd certainly be offended on her behalf, and I doubt she'll want to hang out as a foursome with you any more if you un-ask her.  As EvilSockLady says, just have her pick a dress in her color scheme, have her stand up with you, get her a thank-you gift, and call it a day.  You probably shouldn't have asked this woman to be a bridesmaid, but that's water under the bridge at this point.  If you don't have any close friends that's fine, but don't go wrecking your FI's friendships as well.

augsum15

I don't understand how you could feel pressured. Unless your FI was standing there screaming In your ear to ask her, even then if you didn't want her you're a big girl you can say no. She could also have said no. But it sounds like she didn't. And even though you think it might not cause issues to ask her to step down, it very well could. So unless she voluntarily says she's going step down and doesn't feel comfortable being your BM, then you're stuck! But I agree with PP, tell her she can pick whatever dress, etc etc. And 70 people is still a considerable amount of people! We had 80 and it felt big! Good luck

CMGragain

Knottie1447786844 said:

Hi everyone! I have a slight problem. I asked a girl to be a bridesmaid out of pressure. This girl also happens to be my love's best friend's (who is his best man) girlfriend. Thing is, I have zero close friends. In the 2 years I've known this girl, we've talked a total of 3 hours. And she's the closest friend I have. The way my love popped the question to his friend put me on the spot and I felt obligated to include her. After honest thought, I'd rather have nobody stand with me than someone I'm not close to. It's a small wedding, no more than 70 guests and is mostly family. She's showed no interest in any planning etc and nothing has been purchased at this time. Can I politely ask her to step down our am I stuck with this mistake? (Note: I honestly don't care if she likes me or talks to me again, and it's not going to effect the friendship between the guys either way, also, she's the only one I've asked)

I think I know why you have zero close friends. 
You asked her.  Be thankful that she is willing to be your bridesmaid.  People's feelings are important, or don't you know this already?
It is not her job to plan your wedding.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

I wouldn't ask her to step down either, but you could use this as an opportunity to get to know her better. If she is your FI's best man's SO, then it will probably be worth it to try to build a friendship with her since your FI and his BM presumably see each other often.

augsum15

Jax43615 said:

I wouldn't ask her to step down either, but you could use this as an opportunity to get to know her better. If she is your FI's best man's SO, then it will probably be worth it to try to build a friendship with her since your FI and his BM presumably see each other often.

Agree! You might friend an amazing friend in her!

holyguacamole79

Everyone else said the important stuff, but I want to echo CMGRAGAIN ... she is not responsible to help you plan.

lnixon8

Why would she show any interest in planning? That's for you and your FI to do.

climbingsingle

I think you're way off base in thinking asking her to step down won't affect the relationship between your FI and his friend. Kicking someone out of your wedding is a very rude, hurtful thing to do to someone. Do you not think the friend will be upset for his girlfriend?? 

Keep her in the wedding. Use this as an opportunity to make a new friend. 

Knottie1447786844

I've been trying to make a new friend for 2+ years. I've invited her out, shown an interest in her likes, gone out of my way to extend my friendship and it's never been returned. When I invited her to be a part of the wedding the response was, "sure, I guess." I see her every week, as we get together for football etc. The only conversation that is made, is if I make it. or if she's ridiculing my lifestyle choices. The only reason she is in my life is because she happens to be our very good friends SO. (The three of us have been friends since grade school) And I'm not talking planning for the wedding, I've got that under control. I'm referring to the fact that my love's family is trying to put together a shower etc and even though she's been invited to everything, and I've offered to pick her up if transportation is an issue, she's made no effort. She doesn't seem like she wants to be a part of it. I probably won't ask her to step down, because at the end of the day I DO care about her feelings and don't want to hurt anyone, but I do regret my decision.

OliveOilsMom

Knottie1447786844 said:

I've been trying to make a new friend for 2+ years. I've invited her out, shown an interest in her likes, gone out of my way to extend my friendship and it's never been returned. When I invited her to be a part of the wedding the response was, "sure, I guess." I see her every week, as we get together for football etc. The only conversation that is made, is if I make it. or if she's ridiculing my lifestyle choices. The only reason she is in my life is because she happens to be our very good friends SO. (The three of us have been friends since grade school) And I'm not talking planning for the wedding, I've got that under control. I'm referring to the fact that my love's family is trying to put together a shower etc and even though she's been invited to everything, and I've offered to pick her up if transportation is an issue, she's made no effort. She doesn't seem like she wants to be a part of it. I probably won't ask her to step down, because at the end of the day I DO care about her feelings and don't want to hurt anyone, but I do regret my decision.

Then look at this as a lesson learned.  Honestly, if I were you, after the wedding I would just stop trying to be-friend this girl.  She obviously isn't interested in being your friend.  As for FILs planning a shower, tell them to just stop trying to include her.  Just have them send an invite and then let her decide to attend or not.

After the wedding, just be cordial to her when you see her.  Don't go out of your want to make small talk, ask about her interests, or invite her places.  She's just not that into you.  If you do want to make friends, I suggest volunteering at organizations that interest you to find like minded people.  Or join some clubs, participate in adult co-ed sports, etc.

Knottie1447786844

I know that I'm a big girl and didn't have to ask her, but when he asked his friend in front of the whole group, it felt awkward not including her. I had no one else in mind, and would prefer to not have anyone stand with me. And to clarify, my FI likes this girl even less than I do. He finds her incredibly annoying and only puts up with her because she is our friends girlfriend, and that fact is well known between them.

climbingsingle

Knottie1447786844 said:

I know that I'm a big girl and didn't have to ask her, but when he asked his friend in front of the whole group, it felt awkward not including her. I had no one else in mind, and would prefer to not have anyone stand with me. And to clarify, my FI likes this girl even less than I do. He finds her incredibly annoying and only puts up with her because she is our friends girlfriend, and that fact is well known between them.

This is just so immature. You've got an excuse for everything, and don't seem to want to take any kind of accountability. You asked her. No one held a gun to your head. Just because your FI asked his friend doesn't in any way mean you have to include her. You don't even like her, so I don't understand why you felt bad or felt pressured. 

lembaslover

If someone asked my husband and I to be in their wedding party then kicked me out you can bet no matter how good of a friend this is my husband is cutting them both out and we wouldn't be attending their wedding. (Same if the situation were reversed) Kicking her out will affect your FI and his friend's relationship. 

Just suck it up and like PPs suggested tell your photographer you don't need pictures with her. Also I had 1/4 bridesmaids come to my shower, they had other commitments. What they agreed to was to stand up next to me on my wedding day not attend showers/parties. Maybe she just doesn't like showers, they can be rather dull especially when you don't know anyone but the guest of honor.

Knottie1447786844

This is just so immature. You've got an excuse for everything, and don't seem to want to take any kind of accountability. You asked her. No one held a gun to your head. Just because your FI asked his friend doesn't in any way mean you have to include her. You don't even like her, so I don't understand why you felt bad or felt pressured. 

They aren't excuses, they're facts. And I have taken accountability. I've already acknowledged that I will most likely not ask her to step down, as much as I might want to. I've accepted that I'm the one that made a mistake, and have to deal with it. It is what I make of it.
You don't need to understand why I felt pressured to ask her.

lnixon8

Knottie1447786844 said:

This is just so immature. You've got an excuse for everything, and don't seem to want to take any kind of accountability. You asked her. No one held a gun to your head. Just because your FI asked his friend doesn't in any way mean you have to include her. You don't even like her, so I don't understand why you felt bad or felt pressured. 

They aren't excuses, they're facts. And I have taken accountability. I've already acknowledged that I will most likely not ask her to step down, as much as I might want to. I've accepted that I'm the one that made a mistake, and have to deal with it. It is what I make of it. You don't need to understand why I felt pressured to ask her.


    Box?
You're the one that posted. We're trying to figure out how this happened and why so that we can give you the best advice for you, your fiance, the best man and his girlfriend and not make you look like an idiot.

And those excuses/fact differentiation is reminding me of my high school students that fight by screaming "I'm going to be the bigger person...bitch!"

climbingsingle

Knottie1447786844 said:

This is just so immature. You've got an excuse for everything, and don't seem to want to take any kind of accountability. You asked her. No one held a gun to your head. Just because your FI asked his friend doesn't in any way mean you have to include her. You don't even like her, so I don't understand why you felt bad or felt pressured. 

They aren't excuses, they're facts. And I have taken accountability. I've already acknowledged that I will most likely not ask her to step down, as much as I might want to. I've accepted that I'm the one that made a mistake, and have to deal with it. It is what I make of it. You don't need to understand why I felt pressured to ask her.


BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX

 I felt obligated to include her.
 The only conversation that is made, is if I make it. or if she's ridiculing my lifestyle choices.  
The only reason she is in my life is because she happens to be our very good friends SO.
she's made no effort. She doesn't seem like she wants to be a part of it.
but when he asked his friend in front of the whole group, it felt awkward not including her.
my FI likes this girl even less than I do.
I honestly don't care if she likes me or talks to me again

All lame excuses. Grow up. You asked her, and you have to live with that decision. You posted here looking for advice, and you received it. 

Knottie1447786844

lnixon8 said:

Knottie1447786844 said:

This is just so immature. You've got an excuse for everything, and don't seem to want to take any kind of accountability. You asked her. No one held a gun to your head. Just because your FI asked his friend doesn't in any way mean you have to include her. You don't even like her, so I don't understand why you felt bad or felt pressured. 

They aren't excuses, they're facts. And I have taken accountability. I've already acknowledged that I will most likely not ask her to step down, as much as I might want to. I've accepted that I'm the one that made a mistake, and have to deal with it. It is what I make of it.
You don't need to understand why I felt pressured to ask her.


    Box?
You're the one that posted. We're trying to figure out how this happened and why so that we can give you the best advice for you, your fiance, the best man and his girlfriend and not make you look like an idiot.

And those excuses/fact differentiation is reminding me of my high school students that fight by screaming "I'm going to be the bigger person...bitch!"

I simply felt obligated to. He asked him, I needed to ask her so she wouldn't feel left out. I didn't want her to be offended that I didn't ask her to be a part too. (I know I'm now saying I don't care if she is offended, but I still don't want to hurt her feelings in the end, which is why I've said I won't be asking her to step down even if I regret my decision) I understand that I didn't have to. I get that I made the decision and have to live with it. It also came from a place of, "who else am I going to ask?" I have many acquaintances, but no close friends, and I'm fine with this. I felt it would be odd for him to have his friend stand with him, and me have no one. (Spare me the "that's a good reason to ask someone" I know.)
And I'm sorry if I've come across as "highschoolish" or "immature", I'm struggling to be understood. My FI offers little support/advice because he doesn't like her, so he's fine with me asking her to step down. Obviously I'm struggling with this, otherwise I wouldn't have reached out for help.

KnickerGold

climbingwife said:

Knottie1447786844 said:

I know that I'm a big girl and didn't have to ask her, but when he asked his friend in front of the whole group, it felt awkward not including her. I had no one else in mind, and would prefer to not have anyone stand with me. And to clarify, my FI likes this girl even less than I do. He finds her incredibly annoying and only puts up with her because she is our friends girlfriend, and that fact is well known between them.

This is just so immature. You've got an excuse for everything, and don't seem to want to take any kind of accountability. You asked her. No one held a gun to your head. Just because your FI asked his friend doesn't in any way mean you have to include her. You don't even like her, so I don't understand why you felt bad or felt pressured. 

BOX

You got yourself into this mess. Deal with the consequences.

Just recently my best friend asked me to be a bridesmaid, *majikally* her FI didn't ask my (then) SO to be a groomsmen- why? They're not really close. 

Same when FI asked his brothers to be groomsmen, I managed to not ask his sister to be a bridesmaid. If I had, at that time or any other, I would expect to have her standing next to me unless she declined (which she has every right to do!)

climbingsingle

I honestly don't understand why you cared about hurting her feelings when in your OP, you said you don't care if she even talks to you ever again. None of this makes any sense to me. 

Knottie1447786844

climbingwife said:

I honestly don't understand why you cared about hurting her feelings when in your OP, you said you don't care if she even talks to you ever again. None of this makes any sense to me. 

Because as much as I might not like someone, I care about their feelings. I don't hate her, I just don't like her. I'm more upset at myself for making such a stupid and rash decision. And I don't expect anyone to understand. And I know, I'm the one that said I wanted to ask her step down etc etc, but at the end of the day, I never would.have been able to anyway. Because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm just stuck and upset at myself.

ShesSoCold

Knottie1447786844 said:

I honestly don't understand why you cared about hurting her feelings when in your OP, you said you don't care if she even talks to you ever again. None of this makes any sense to me. 

Because as much as I might not like someone, I care about their feelings. I don't hate her, I just don't like her. I'm more upset at myself for making such a stupid and rash decision. And I don't expect anyone to understand. And I know, I'm the one that said I wanted to ask her step down etc etc, but at the end of the day, I never would.have been able to anyway. Because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm just stuck and upset at myself.

Sooooo...What was the point in your post?

Knottie1447786844

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie1447786844 said:

climbingwife said:

I honestly don't understand why you cared about hurting her feelings when in your OP, you said you don't care if she even talks to you ever again. None of this makes any sense to me. 

Because as much as I might not like someone, I care about their feelings. I don't hate her, I just don't like her. I'm more upset at myself for making such a stupid and rash decision. And I don't expect anyone to understand. And I know, I'm the one that said I wanted to ask her step down etc etc, but at the end of the day, I never would.have been able to anyway. Because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm just stuck and upset at myself.

Sooooo...What was the point in your post?

I didn't realize that when I first posted.

[Deleted User]

FWIW OP, I think there's some unnecessary pressure these days to have an over the top bridal party, so I think you can cut yourself some slack.  Look on Pinterest and it's all matching robes, huge bachelorette parties, extravagant bridesmaid photo sessions.  Do you need all that to get married?  Nope.

Would you prefer to stand up there alone?  Sure.  Is it going to make a big impact on your wedding?  Probably not.  I mean, focus on your FI during the ceremony and don't sit with them during the reception

TrixieJess

Knottie1447786844 said:

lnixon8 said:

Knottie1447786844 said:

This is just so immature. You've got an excuse for everything, and don't seem to want to take any kind of accountability. You asked her. No one held a gun to your head. Just because your FI asked his friend doesn't in any way mean you have to include her. You don't even like her, so I don't understand why you felt bad or felt pressured. 

They aren't excuses, they're facts. And I have taken accountability. I've already acknowledged that I will most likely not ask her to step down, as much as I might want to. I've accepted that I'm the one that made a mistake, and have to deal with it. It is what I make of it.
You don't need to understand why I felt pressured to ask her.


    Box?
You're the one that posted. We're trying to figure out how this happened and why so that we can give you the best advice for you, your fiance, the best man and his girlfriend and not make you look like an idiot.

And those excuses/fact differentiation is reminding me of my high school students that fight by screaming "I'm going to be the bigger person...bitch!"

I simply felt obligated to. He asked him, I needed to ask her so she wouldn't feel left out. I didn't want her to be offended that I didn't ask her to be a part too. (I know I'm now saying I don't care if she is offended, but I still don't want to hurt her feelings in the end, which is why I've said I won't be asking her to step down even if I regret my decision) I understand that I didn't have to. I get that I made the decision and have to live with it. It also came from a place of, "who else am I going to ask?" I have many acquaintances, but no close friends, and I'm fine with this. I felt it would be odd for him to have his friend stand with him, and me have no one. (Spare me the "that's a good reason to ask someone" I know.)
And I'm sorry if I've come across as "highschoolish" or "immature", I'm struggling to be understood. My FI offers little support/advice because he doesn't like her, so he's fine with me asking her to step down. Obviously I'm struggling with this, otherwise I wouldn't have reached out for help.


Boxboxbox. Where is the fucking box?

I don't understand this obligated to ask because your SO is friends with her SO. My FI has lots of friends whose SOs I'm friendly with, but would never go out of my way to be besties with any of them.

Why are you going out of your way to obviously befriend someone who doesn't want you to? Also, why don't you have any other close friends? These are things that you may want to look at.

Eta: goddamn boxes

Knottie1447786844

Because it's been my job to make her feel welcomed and accepted into our group. It's a very difficult and delicate situation, and I'm the one who is expected to be the peace keeper.

My very good friend from school and I had a falling out years ago, she didn't think I should be dating my now FI. Since then, I've not made the time for another close relationship. I started a family at a very young age and simply have not made the time away from them to make friends. I'm shy and introverted so I'm fine with it. Like I said, I have many, many acquaintances but no close friends. I suppose I might have "high expectations" but I don't think I'm out of line wanting a close friend who is like minded. (ie someone to go trail running and drink green smoothies with, as opposed to a day out being fast food and the nail salon)

OliveOilsMom

Knottie1447786844 said:

Because it's been my job to make her feel welcomed and accepted into our group. It's a very difficult and delicate situation, and I'm the one who is expected to be the peace keeper. My very good friend from school and I had a falling out years ago, she didn't think I should be dating my now FI. Since then, I've not made the time for another close relationship. I started a family at a very young age and simply have not made the time away from them to make friends. I'm shy and introverted so I'm fine with it. Like I said, I have many, many acquaintances but no close friends. I suppose I might have "high expectations" but I don't think I'm out of line wanting a close friend who is like minded. (ie someone to go trail running and drink green smoothies with, as opposed to a day out being fast food and the nail salon)

To the bolded: Why is that YOUR job?  It should be an entire groups' job to welcome someone new.  You alone should not be the welcoming committee of your group.  You just need to be cordial when you meet new people until you decide your feelings on that person.  Then you either try to advance a friendship or be civil to the person when you see them.

If you enjoy trail running, why not try finding a group that does that together.  It can be a great way to start finding other like minded people.

TrixieJess

Knottie1447786844 said:

Because it's been my job to make her feel welcomed and accepted into our group. It's a very difficult and delicate situation, and I'm the one who is expected to be the peace keeper.

My very good friend from school and I had a falling out years ago, she didn't think I should be dating my now FI. Since then, I've not made the time for another close relationship. I started a family at a very young age and simply have not made the time away from them to make friends. I'm shy and introverted so I'm fine with it. Like I said, I have many, many acquaintances but no close friends. I suppose I might have "high expectations" but I don't think I'm out of line wanting a close friend who is like minded. (ie someone to go trail running and drink green smoothies with, as opposed to a day out being fast food and the nail salon)

You aren't out of line wanting to be friends with someone who shares interests with you but it seems that you are trying to shoehorn her into a mould that she doesn't want to be in.

Take Climbingwife's advice and try to find a group with your interests. You mentioned having children, you must meet other parents, try reaching out.

I know plenty of "shy, introverted people", they are some of my best friends, I'm even going to marry one. They have friends, close friends even, through their shared interests.