FL wedding - Family is mad

kimmiinthemitten

CMGragain said:

I am seriously questioning whether or not  Squirrel617 is for real.  Even my late mother wouldn't live with this much denial, and she was an expert.

Knowing someone who did the same thing I'm not at all. It's denial for survival in their eyes. Short term survival, as the secret always gets out. 

Etf autocorrect

Heffalump

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion. 

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him.  How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

I have never really seen anyone get up in arms about destination weddings, per se.  Lying, sure.   The attitude that "I don't care if it's inconvenient, if they love me, they'll endure any hardship for me," absolutely.  But those are true of DW and non-DW alike. 

Not sure what you hoped to get out of posting here.  Obviously, no one can make your family feel okay about your FI.  (TBH, I'm not sure I would, in their shoes.  It would depend on the exact details.)  There is no magic "walk backwards three times around an oak tree in the light of the full moon."  His actions have consequences, your lies have consequences, and you're basically asking how to get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.  That is not going to happen.

Incidentally, not a fan of "girls" in this context.  We are all adult women here.  (As far as I know.  There has been the occasional groom or minor, but I'm not aware of any at the moment.)  "Girls" is fine for things like "girls night out" but this is not that.  I realize this is not the biggest issue in your post (by a mile), but still.

Tyvm

Isn't time the only possible solution to the problem here? Time and positive experiences, showing your family that this is a fully rehabilitated man who brings joy and value to your life? Lying about when your legal wedding ceremony is, or throwing a surprise wedding isn't going to do it. 

I would postpone the wedding for a few years, until the family gets a chance to adjust to this news and slowly (very slowly) start to accept him as a possibility for good.

MesmrEwe

climbingwife said:

Squirrel617 said:

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you.  You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

@Squirrel617That's pretty funny. No one is perfect, but as a victim of sexual assault, I would never be OK with a relative marrying a sexual offender. 

Your family is not supporting your marriage to this man. There's obviously a reason for that. 

CMGragain

Heffalump said:

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion. 

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him.  How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

I have never really seen anyone get up in arms about destination weddings, per se.  Lying, sure.   The attitude that "I don't care if it's inconvenient, if they love me, they'll endure any hardship for me," absolutely.  But those are true of DW and non-DW alike. 

Not sure what you hoped to get out of posting here.  Obviously, no one can make your family feel okay about your FI.  (TBH, I'm not sure I would, in their shoes.  It would depend on the exact details.)  There is no magic "walk backwards three times around an oak tree in the light of the full moon."  His actions have consequences, your lies have consequences, and you're basically asking how to get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.  That is not going to happen.

Incidentally, not a fan of "girls" in this context.  We are all adult women here.  (As far as I know.  There has been the occasional groom or minor, but I'm not aware of any at the moment.)  "Girls" is fine for things like "girls night out" but this is not that.  I realize this is not the biggest issue in your post (by a mile), but still.

Ha!  At age 65, it is a long time since I have been called a "girl"!

CMGragain

OP, can you please explain to us WHY you want to marry this man?  Give us five good reasons, none of which can be "I love him!" or "He needs me!" or "I am pregnant" or have born his child. None of these are good reasons to marry someone.

I can list a very long list of why I decided to marry my DH.  They are very practical, sensible reasons.

If you can do this for us, maybe it would work with your family.

Jen4948

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion. 

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him.  How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

You can't. It is their decision to make. And TBH, I would make the same decision. The fact that he's "served his time" won't make his victims' pain and go away -- or protect future potential victims. Your family has the right to not want anything to do with a person who caused that pain and suffering -- or to trust him not to do it again.

db1984

Squirrel617 said:

I wasn't asking strangers to approve my plans (in fact, I did the opposite).

I only asked if anyone had any ideas for my family to mend fences with FI. I would really like everyone to support us in FL. I imagine there have been other brides in my situation, where the family wasn't supportive of a destination wedding or just simply didn't like the other half. There has to be a way to all just get along!  This will be a lifetime, so there has to be some ideas of activities to get them together. I almost considered not telling them he would be there and do a surprise wedding, but that may upset them further...I'm still considering it.

I did forget to add, that we're having the wedding in FL because that is where FI is from. His elderly family is not able to travel. That is why that portion is not for debate, even though I am sure some still will. No one really needs to know when the actual legal part is - only when we're celebrating the wedding, that is the day we plan to recognize. 

I'm thinking the reason for the "legal part" being held before the redo is so that there's nothing the family can do about it, it's already a done deal.  OP, are you even of legal age to marry in Florida without your parents' permission?