Are tiered receptions becoming more normal?

ceck-2

Did a few google searches on this (not planning on having one at all, just found myself reading a lot about etiquette recently) and was disheartened to notice that more and more seem to be seeing it as an understandable practice.

I'm sure you all know that by "tiered reception" I am referring to when the A-list gets dinner and the full reception, B-list invited a few hours later for dancing and maybe some drinks.

Things like:
"Younger couples are doing this as a money saving option for themselves."
"They still want to celebrate with many of their friends, but simply can't afford it, so it's a compromise."
"We didn't lie to anyone when we did it, and did not expect gifts."
"Most work associates and people who are only casual friends with a couple understand."
"It's not a gift grab because gifts are only given at the beginning of the reception so none of the "second wave" people have to bring one."
"Practically expected in the country I live in."

Is anyone else noticing that it's becoming more accepted?

DrillSergeantCat

It's my understanding that it's common in other countries but still not acceptable in the US. You say you're not planning one which is great because I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if someone said, "Yeah we want you at our wedding, but only the last hour or so."

kahluakoala

DrillSergeantCat said:

It's my understanding that it's common in other countries but still not acceptable in the US. You say you're not planning one which is great because I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if someone said, "Yeah we want you at our wedding, but only the last hour or so."

So I agree and disagree - all of the weddings I've been to recently I think "wow yeah I'd be super hurt if this happened". However, our office admin is currently planning her wedding (casual lunch friend, we never hang out outside the office, I like her a lot but if we quit I doubt we'd stay in touch) and she had mentioned inviting coworkers and a few other random local friends of friends out to the after party and I thought, "yeah, if I had no other plans that'd be a fun night out!". So I think to me, it's hurtful in theory when I think about my *friends* doing this to me, but I wouldn't be hurt by it if it was done by someone who had no power to hurt me...someone whose friendship I felt very cavalier about. It would never in a million years be what I did with my own wedding, but in some situations it's like, "eh, whatever!"

DrillSergeantCat

KahluaKoala said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

It's my understanding that it's common in other countries but still not acceptable in the US. You say you're not planning one which is great because I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if someone said, "Yeah we want you at our wedding, but only the last hour or so."

So I agree and disagree - all of the weddings I've been to recently I think "wow yeah I'd be super hurt if this happened". However, our office admin is currently planning her wedding (casual lunch friend, we never hang out outside the office, I like her a lot but if we quit I doubt we'd stay in touch) and she had mentioned inviting coworkers and a few other random local friends of friends out to the after party and I thought, "yeah, if I had no other plans that'd be a fun night out!". So I think to me, it's hurtful in theory when I think about my *friends* doing this to me, but I wouldn't be hurt by it if it was done by someone who had no power to hurt me...someone whose friendship I felt very cavalier about. It would never in a million years be what I did with my own wedding, but in some situations it's like, "eh, whatever!"

I see an after party differently from a tiered reception though. My best friend had her reception. It ended. Then, a group of us went out to party some more. I dont' think additional people showed up for that, but the wedding and reception were done. We're thinking about doing the same thing. We can invite 100 people to the reception, so we'll have the reception and then go to a bar and hang out with people we couldn't invite later. But it's no longer the reception.

ceck-2

Right, to me an after party is sort of different. But it's been made real casual at times. "Just stop by the hall after we all eat, would love to see you..."

Very strange to me and a definite etiquette no-no.

MesmrEwe

They're not common, they're not "more acceptable" - they're RUDE AF!!!  They're a slap in the face of those who are invited to the "dance only" but no other hospitality and come off as gift grabby. 

CMGragain

No.  For people who care about their guests feelings, tiered receptions are never acceptable.

SaintPaulGal

As much as I don't want it to be true, I do think it's becoming more normal.  I had literally never heard of this concept a year ago.  Since then, two people in my extended circle have had weddings like this.  It's rude as hell, but I fear it is becoming "a thing." 

Jen4948

Tiered receptions might be becoming more *common* but they are definitely not becoming *acceptable*.

They treat guests like ATMs and otherwise make clear that their company isn't really wanted or appreciated. That's a crappy thing to do to someone you care about.

geebee908

And they say it's not about getting more gifts, but how many people see an invitation to a wedding and feel like they have to get the couple a gift. Most in my circle would.

OurWildKingdom

Tiered receptions may be becoming more common, but a lot of things that are common are still rude. So are tiered receptions.

AddieCake

It will never matter how common they become; they will never be acceptable. I hope they don't become common because that just means that more people are throwing good manners and courtesy out the window. 

YogaSandy

I agree. It's tacky and rude. That said I had one guest where this was almost the case. He declined his invite because he was OOT and couldn't get the time off. His wife was going to attend solo. Last minute he got the time off and we already had our caterer numbers in. He said he would just join after dinner. I called the caterer and adding one more was no big deal. 

We we had another couple who only came after dinner (their choice). They declined the invitation, as they just bought a fishing camp and it was opening weekend (a big deal - very busy). We took pics on their beautiful property, and DH told them if they had anytime free, we would love to see them there, even if it was only for a hour. They made it for a bit.

We never tiered our reception. Guest circumstances made (or almost made) some only able to come for that portion. 

OurWildKingdom

YogaSandy said:

I agree. It's tacky and rude. That said I had one guest where this was almost the case. He declined his invite because he was OOT and couldn't get the time off. His wife was going to attend solo. Last minute he got the time off and we already had our caterer numbers in. He said he would just join after dinner. I called the caterer and adding one more was no big deal. 

We we had another couple who only came after dinner (their choice). They declined the invitation, as they just bought a fishing camp and it was opening weekend (a big deal - very busy). We took pics on their beautiful property, and DH told them if they had anytime free, we would love to see them there, even if it was only for a hour. They made it for a bit.

We never tiered our reception. Guest circumstances made (or almost made) some only able to come for that portion. 

That's not rude on anyone's part. 

CraftyG

I don't know if this counts as a tiered wedding technically but FSIL was telling me about a wedding they went to recently. Everyone was invited to the ceremony, they had photos then everyone was told to amuse themselves for a few hours while the immediate family were invited to dinner and no one else was, after the meal everyone was welcome to come back to dance. 

I thought that was super weird and never heard of that before! FSIL was planning on going to the ceremony, go get food somewhere local then go for dancing but it was tipping it down and they got soaked while taking photos at the church so they ended up going straight home after the ceremony, I'm assuming alot of others did too!

thisismynickname2

I just think the attitude of "but we don't expect gifts!" is so gross because clearly you DO expect gifts from your first tier if you have to clarify you don't from your second tier. 

MobKaz

CraftyG said:

I don't know if this counts as a tiered wedding technically but FSIL was telling me about a wedding they went to recently. Everyone was invited to the ceremony, they had photos then everyone was told to amuse themselves for a few hours while the immediate family were invited to dinner and no one else was, after the meal everyone was welcome to come back to dance. 

I thought that was super weird and never heard of that before! FSIL was planning on going to the ceremony, go get food somewhere local then go for dancing but it was tipping it down and they got soaked while taking photos at the church so they ended up going straight home after the ceremony, I'm assuming alot of others did too!

Was your FSIL aware prior to attending that she would be dismissed and left to fend for herself for dinner?  I tend to avoid causing a scene, but if that is the case and it happened to me, you bet there would be an Oscar worthy performance by me!

Did the bride and groom get drenched as well?  That would be marvelous karma!

MobKaz

CecK said:

Did a few google searches on this (not planning on having one at all, just found myself reading a lot about etiquette recently) and was disheartened to notice that more and more seem to be seeing it as an understandable practice.

I'm sure you all know that by "tiered reception" I am referring to when the A-list gets dinner and the full reception, B-list invited a few hours later for dancing and maybe some drinks.

Things like:
"Younger couples are doing this as a money saving option for themselves."
"They still want to celebrate with many of their friends, but simply can't afford it, so it's a compromise."
"We didn't lie to anyone when we did it, and did not expect gifts."
"Most work associates and people who are only casual friends with a couple understand."
"It's not a gift grab because gifts are only given at the beginning of the reception so none of the "second wave" people have to bring one."
"Practically expected in the country I live in."

Is anyone else noticing that it's becoming more accepted?

This excuse makes no sense.  If I have a card with a money enclosure and forget to deposit it at the beginning of the reception, does that mean I get to keep it?

I have seen this occur in Small Town, USA.  It becomes a "night out" for the locals who don't have many entertainment options.  These weddings are usually cash bars, so there is no cost to the couple.

photokitty

I was really pleased when I saw that our venue stictly forbid it in our contract. Made us feel like we made a good venue choice.

ScottishSarah

photokitty said:

I was really pleased when I saw that our venue stictly forbid it in our contract. Made us feel like we made a good venue choice.

Oh really!  Can I ask how it was phrased?  What a good idea!

londinium215

CraftyG said:

I don't know if this counts as a tiered wedding technically but FSIL was telling me about a wedding they went to recently. Everyone was invited to the ceremony, they had photos then everyone was told to amuse themselves for a few hours while the immediate family were invited to dinner and no one else was, after the meal everyone was welcome to come back to dance. 

SITB

My husband went to a wedding 8 or so years ago where he and some other school friends of the groom were invited to the cocktail hour, not the ceremony, then told what time to return after dinner for speeches and the dancing/party part of the evening.

After spending the few hours between cocktail hour and speeches sitting out in the sun drinking (because there was nothing else to do in this town) they were pretty drunk by the time they were allowed back in - not even from drinking so much, but the combination of the alcohol and the strong sun. One of my husband's friends fell asleep and fell down during the speeches (they didn't have chairs for the non-dinner guests, so everyone was just standing around hugging the wall).

There is a part of me that thinks the disruption caused by the friend falling down drunk was karma getting back at the bride and groom for treating their guests so poorly.

CraftyG

MobKaz said:

CraftyG said:

I don't know if this counts as a tiered wedding technically but FSIL was telling me about a wedding they went to recently. Everyone was invited to the ceremony, they had photos then everyone was told to amuse themselves for a few hours while the immediate family were invited to dinner and no one else was, after the meal everyone was welcome to come back to dance. 

I thought that was super weird and never heard of that before! FSIL was planning on going to the ceremony, go get food somewhere local then go for dancing but it was tipping it down and they got soaked while taking photos at the church so they ended up going straight home after the ceremony, I'm assuming alot of others did too!

Was your FSIL aware prior to attending that she would be dismissed and left to fend for herself for dinner?  I tend to avoid causing a scene, but if that is the case and it happened to me, you bet there would be an Oscar worthy performance by me!

Did the bride and groom get drenched as well?  That would be marvelous karma!

Yeah it was written on the invitation, they thought that it was really unusual but were very much like well it's their day whatever makes them happy.

I'm assuming that they did! It sounded really odd setup, they were all in the church while the storm was happening and then all the guests had to go outside while the couple took pictures inside to start with, so all the guests were kicked out into the thunder and lightning waiting for the bride and groom to come out! They waited like ten minutes in the rain then decided it wasn't worth it and went home.

I'm assuming that they did it to purely to save money, paying for only 50 or so people to have dinner is way different than paying for 150 to have dinner!

downtondiva

They may be becoming more common, but that doesn't make it acceptable or "normal." 

If you cannot afford a big wedding, have a small one. If you don't feel close enough to people to invite them to the entire event, don't invite them at all. Problem solved.

YogaSandy

We went to a wedding years and years ago, the couple (perhaps WP too - I don't remember) wasn't present for dinner. This was a huge wedding - 300+ people?  Guests weren't tiered exactly. Then during dinner or when couple arrived, MC announced that they weren't present for dinner because they had a small intimate dinner with their immediate family offsite. I told DH that was different. It didn't really bother me (wasn't too etiquette Davy back then). DH, who doesn't really care about etiquette blunders, said, "we ate dinner with all our guests."

DrillSergeantCat

YogaSandy said:

We went to a wedding years and years ago, the couple (perhaps WP too - I don't remember) wasn't present for dinner. This was a huge wedding - 300+ people?  Guests weren't tiered exactly. Then during dinner or when couple arrived, MC announced that they weren't present for dinner because they had a small intimate dinner with their immediate family offsite. I told DH that was different. It didn't really bother me (wasn't too etiquette Davy back then). DH, who doesn't really care about etiquette blunders, said, "we ate dinner with all our guests."

That's weird. We're gonna feed you, but don't want to eat with you.

ei34

Might just be the party of the country I live in, but the only place I've ever heard of tiered receptions (and especially the new, "younger guests just like to party anyway" reasoning) is here on TK.
I remember my kids-free 20s very well...if I wanted a night out, I went out.

poodledoodleooo

KahluaKoala said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

It's my understanding that it's common in other countries but still not acceptable in the US. You say you're not planning one which is great because I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if someone said, "Yeah we want you at our wedding, but only the last hour or so."

So I agree and disagree - all of the weddings I've been to recently I think "wow yeah I'd be super hurt if this happened". However, our office admin is currently planning her wedding (casual lunch friend, we never hang out outside the office, I like her a lot but if we quit I doubt we'd stay in touch) and she had mentioned inviting coworkers and a few other random local friends of friends out to the after party and I thought, "yeah, if I had no other plans that'd be a fun night out!". So I think to me, it's hurtful in theory when I think about my *friends* doing this to me, but I wouldn't be hurt by it if it was done by someone who had no power to hurt me...someone whose friendship I felt very cavalier about. It would never in a million years be what I did with my own wedding, but in some situations it's like, "eh, whatever!"

Yeah I kind of agree with @KahluaKoala to an extent. It's never appropriate to do, IMHO, but I don't think I'd be bothered if my casual co-worker Jane was like "feel free to stop by after 8 for drinks..." but I'd be pretty riled if someone I knew and hung out with regularly said the same thing (yet wouldn't be offended if I didn't get an invite at all...)

That said, Jane and I might have different ideas of how close our friendship is. Jane might think it's super casual and I wouldn't be miffed, whereas I might think we are "work besties" or something and would definitely feel offended. You can't really tell how people are going to perceive such an invite, so really it's best to treat everyone as one and the same, they all get invited or they don't. No half invites! 

We did had a few "guests of guests" at our wedding show up for the dancing portion alone, but we didn't invite them or have any idea that they were coming until they were already there. It was really our guests being rude for inviting additional folks, not us, but to be honest, we didn't really care at that point.

YogaSandy

DrillSergeantCat said:

YogaSandy said:

We went to a wedding years and years ago, the couple (perhaps WP too - I don't remember) wasn't present for dinner. This was a huge wedding - 300+ people?  Guests weren't tiered exactly. Then during dinner or when couple arrived, MC announced that they weren't present for dinner because they had a small intimate dinner with their immediate family offsite. I told DH that was different. It didn't really bother me (wasn't too etiquette Davy back then). DH, who doesn't really care about etiquette blunders, said, "we ate dinner with all our guests."

That's weird. We're gonna feed you, but don't want to eat with you.

I know. I guess it doesn't break etiquette, as we were properly hosted. 

spockforprez

OBB posted an article about reception-only invites on facebook the other day and the caption was worded something like, "How to word these invites so your guests don't feel excluded."

I almost commented, "There is literally NO WAY to make them not feel excluded, because you are EXCLUDING them from a huge part of your wedding!" I didn't comment, only because I don't want my comments on public pages showing up on friends' newsfeeds haha. But I was so tempted! 

PrettyGirlLost

No, I don't think they are becoming more common.  I just thing the Wedding Industrial Complex is pushing this concept more and more to get more money from couples.

InLoveInQueens

YogaSandy said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

YogaSandy said:

We went to a wedding years and years ago, the couple (perhaps WP too - I don't remember) wasn't present for dinner. This was a huge wedding - 300+ people?  Guests weren't tiered exactly. Then during dinner or when couple arrived, MC announced that they weren't present for dinner because they had a small intimate dinner with their immediate family offsite. I told DH that was different. It didn't really bother me (wasn't too etiquette Davy back then). DH, who doesn't really care about etiquette blunders, said, "we ate dinner with all our guests."

That's weird. We're gonna feed you, but don't want to eat with you.

I know. I guess it doesn't break etiquette, as we were properly hosted. 

I don't understand why they would announce that, I've heard of times when the couple has dinner privately in the bridal suite or away from guests so they can eat without being bombarded and have a private moment together after the ceremony, but just don't say anything and that's it, done.