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How to include my fiance's sister?

edited July 2016 in Wedding Party

So we are having a small bridal party, which means that I don't have room for my fiancé's two sisters to be bridesmaids (and we aren't super close because they live a bit further away than we do).  However we wanted to include all of our siblings in our wedding.  My sister is going to be a bridesmaid, my brother is going to be an usher, and his one sister is going to play the piano when we are walking down the aisle.  I thought of having his youngest sister do a reading, but she doesn't like all of the attention to be on her for even a minute, so she would be very uncomfortable with this.  The problem is that I don't want her to feel left out.  She also doesn't play any instruments or sing or anything like that.  Any ideas of what she could do? I briefly thought about her being a guest book attendant, but I feel like that is more of a "job" than a way of incorporating her into the wedding in an honoured position. 


Edit:

She is not a bridesmaid because I didn't want to choose too many bridesmaids because there is extra cost of being a bridesmaid with the dress.  Not being a bridesmaid, she can show up in a Walmart dress if she wants.  My mom begged me to make my brother an usher, so calm down people.  He's also walking my mom down the aisle so he has plenty of recognition.  Like I said before, the guest book attendant was thought of BRIEFLY.  I recognize that this is more of a job than anything and I don't want to make her that. I was looking for some creativity as to what she could do maybe WITH someone else to make her more comfortable.  And to those complaining that I'm trying to incorporate too many people, why on earth do you care? I like involving other people and I'm not a huge fan of being in the spotlight, so this helps spread out the attention from just the fiancé and I.  He loves the fact that I want to include our loved ones.  We are having a wedding with almost 200 people due to large extended families, so I promise we won't be standing in front of no one (plus readers, etc. sit down after their part). 

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Re: How to include my fiance's sister?

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    I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to include people that you want in your wedding. 

    Ultimately I want my wedding to be a celebration WITH my loved ones, not just a production that my fiancé and I star in.  And to me, that involves including those I love.  I understand that not everyone feels the need to include certain people, but these are the people I want involved in my wedding.  I'm not including his sisters because I feel I have to, I'm including them because I want to.

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    I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to include people that you want in your wedding. 

    Ultimately I want my wedding to be a celebration WITH my loved ones, not just a production that my fiancé and I star in.  And to me, that involves including those I love.  I understand that not everyone feels the need to include certain people, but these are the people I want involved in my wedding.  I'm not including his sisters because I feel I have to, I'm including them because I want to. 

    SIAB


    It sounds like the sister doesn't want to be included. Your idea of what you want seems to be getting in the way of what makes other people comfortable. Vision should not trump the comfort of your guests. 

    We haven't officially asked her to do anything yet, we are just going off of her personality.  I want her to feel included in a way that doesn't center her out too much.  She has been a bridesmaid numerous times so it isn't like she is completely uncomfortable being in front of people.  She's just uncomfortable being the center of attention (which would come from being a reader).  Obviously she is more than welcome to decline anything if she is uncomfortable, I'm just searching for ideas at this point.

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    I think the key is that you don't have to include everyone to make them feel special. Some people would prefer to be guests and enjoy themselves without having to do anything else. There is nothing wrong with that. For the record, when I was a bride (34 years ago) I started out feeling the same way you do. However, I realized you can't include everyone, and trying to have people do something when they aren't comfortable doing it doesn't make them feel special. As @southernbelle0915 said, sure they will say they will do something to make the bride happy but it doesn't mean they really want to do it. I also agree that you wanting a small WP (which is fine) doesn't mesh with including everyone. Pick which way you want to go and own it.
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    It is nice you want to include everybody but not everyone wants to be "included". If it doesn't feel like a natural fit then don't force it. Invite sister to wedding related events; dress shopping, mani/pedis, getting ready together, etc. Like Sheriff Tate says in TKAM, "To my way of thinkin', takin' one man who done you and this town a big service, and draggin' him with his shy ways into the limelight - to me that's a sin." You are not honoring anyone by making them uncomfortable.
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    Why don't you ask her if she has any ideas? My best idea would be for her to be involved behind the scenes, like helping with a diy project or going wedding dress shopping*. Just because people aren't in a visible "job" the day of the wedding doesn't mean they aren't invoked and/or aren't important. Same goes for the kids. 

    *ask her first if she wants to be involved with anything. Don't just suggest she do a bunch of work or attend appointments because she might agree even though she doesn't want to just to make you happy. Some people want to be involved and some people really just want to attend as a guest. 
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    So we are having a small bridal party, which means that I don't have room for my fiancé's two sisters to be bridesmaids (and we aren't super close because they live a bit further away than we do).  However we wanted to include all of our siblings in our wedding.  My sister is going to be a bridesmaid, my brother is going to be an usher, and his one sister is going to play the piano when we are walking down the aisle.  I thought of having his youngest sister do a reading, but she doesn't like all of the attention to be on her for even a minute, so she would be very uncomfortable with this.  The problem is that I don't want her to feel left out.  She also doesn't play any instruments or sing or anything like that.  Any ideas of what she could do? I briefly thought about her being a guest book attendant, but I feel like that is more of a "job" than a way of incorporating her into the wedding in an honoured position. 

    This is your issue right here.  You are doing this backwards.

    You count up all of the people that you want to include in your wedding, and then typically that is the number of people in your bridal party.  If your FI wants to include his sisters then they can stand on his side as groomswomen.

    Why do you want a small bridal party if you have all of these other ppl you are trying to include in your wedding?



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Don't make her a "guest book attendant" or anything that's a "job." That doesn't make anyone feel "included" - just used.

    If you want her to be in your wedding party, then the available roles are bridesmaid, usher, or reader. Otherwise, she'll be "included" just by being there as a guest. That's a big honor in and of itself.
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    Heffalump said:
    In general, you are overthinking this and making it a lot more complicated than it needs to be.
    You say this like it's not an obvious pattern.

    OP seems to be working backwards in multiple ways and this is just one of them. I also don't think people will be nearly as hurt as she believes to not be included, there are ways to show that people are special without including them in the wedding party or giving them jobs a basket or sign could handle, but she's gotta have them up there. At that point, just have the entire guestlist stand up with you and read your vows to empty chairs. Or wagons.
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    If she is too shy to be a reader (did you ask her yet or are you just assuming?) and not close enough to be a BM, then being a guest is honor enough.

    I think the only way to honor someone is by having them in the BP, do a reading, or be a guest.  I think being an usher is more of a job than anything!

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    This is incredibly frustrating.  I don't want her to be a guest book attendant or any crap like that.  I'm looking for solutions not more problems.  The other roles are set in stone.  I'm looking for a creative way to incorporate her that isn't a job, if you don't have any ideas, don't bother posting! Why waste both of our times? If I wanted all of these personal attacks, I would have posted in the snarky brides section.  Just be helpful or leave.
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    There are no other "roles". If she really wants to be involved but not be in front of people for a reading, maybe she wants to help with some of the planning ahead of time. But that's only if she wants to, don't make her do forced labour. 

    I still have the same question: have you asked her? Maybe she knows what type of role she would like to do. If she says nothing, then there's your answer. 
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    This is incredibly frustrating.  I don't want her to be a guest book attendant or any crap like that.  I'm looking for solutions not more problems.  The other roles are set in stone.  I'm looking for a creative way to incorporate her that isn't a job, if you don't have any ideas, don't bother posting! Why waste both of our times? If I wanted all of these personal attacks, I would have posted in the snarky brides section.  Just be helpful or leave.
    The solution is to just invite these people as guests if your spots for props bridesmaids/groomsmen are "set in stone". Being a guest is honor enough.

    And lol at telling people to be helpful or leave, literally everyone's post is helpful, just not the kind of echo chamber helpful you had in mind.

    What do you want? Do you want someone to come in and say "you're right, no one has ever asked this before, you should make them ::something completely made up::, that'll make everyone happy and you can include everyone you want"? Because that's just plain old not going to happen. The only reason you're getting "snarky" responses is because you refuse to actually listen to what people are saying. There is no magic title you can give these people that will honor them in an appropriate way. You can add them to your bridal party and ask them to stand up with you or you can just invite them as guests and party with them, maybe take some pictures with them alone. Anything else is made up/a job and isn't an honor at all.

    There is no magic solution where everyone wins, that's not how life works. So make up your mind, are your bridal party numbers more important than you honoring these people? If so, own it. Accept it. If not, then deal with it and ask them to be in your bridal party. But there's no in between.
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    edited July 2016
    This is incredibly frustrating.  I don't want her to be a guest book attendant or any crap like that.  I'm looking for solutions not more problems.  The other roles are set in stone.  I'm looking for a creative way to incorporate her that isn't a job, if you don't have any ideas, don't bother posting! Why waste both of our times? If I wanted all of these personal attacks, I would have posted in the snarky brides section.  Just be helpful or leave.
    Seems like everyone on here was being helpful and taking time out of their day to give advice that you asked for. You don't have to like it. God, chill the f out. The truth is that if you insist on only having a small wedding party then its pretty hard to have all your siblings in the wedding. You quickly run out of roles that aren't bullshit.

    Eta half my post disappeared!
                 
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    scribe95 said:
    Also, usher is a bullshit title. They still have to buy the suit and seat people but aren't technically part of the bridal party and don't get to stand up during the ceremony. Just have him be a groomsman. And frankly have your sister be a bridesmaid. P.S. These two posts are making me tired.
    Having ushers is fine, imo.  They don't typically have to buy anything- most men in my circle wear suits to weddings to begin with.

    They get a boutinerre, they help greet and seat guests with the family, and then they get to sit down and enjoy the ceremony.

    Having to literally stand up with the couple when you're in the WP isn't actually an honor. . .it's a pain in the ass/back/feet.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    We had a bullshit usher. We didn't need him at all, but we were GOING to need him at our original venue, and since we had already asked, we felt like we needed to keep him at the new venue.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    edited July 2016
    This is incredibly frustrating.  I don't want her to be a guest book attendant or any crap like that.  I'm looking for solutions not more problems.  The other roles are set in stone.  I'm looking for a creative way to incorporate her that isn't a job, if you don't have any ideas, don't bother posting! Why waste both of our times? If I wanted all of these personal attacks, I would have posted in the snarky brides section.  Just be helpful or leave.

    ETA and SIB: My post was eaten.

    Solution- Just Include all these damn ppl in your WP.

    Creative incorporation- Just include all these damn ppl I'm your wedding party.

    What is more important to you? Actually having all these ppl in your ceremony or having a small WP?

    Why are you making this difficult and insisting on a small wedding party? And who the hell is like, "I'm getting married and I have 4 siblings but I want a small wedding party so brother Jim is out!  I wonder what role I can create for him to include him in my wedding?"

    SMFH

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    scribe95 said:
    If OP doesn't like guest book attendant or other job roles then how is she okay with usher?
    Because usher is a pretty standard role for a wedding?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    I still don't understand why she can't be a bridesmaid. 
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    I still don't understand why she can't be a bridesmaid. 
    Because reasons.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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    scribe95 said:
    I have only ever heard of separate ushers on here. Every wedding I have been to the groomsmen simply seat people. So for that reason I see it as just as much of a pointless job as guest book attendant. 
    It's been a 50/50 split of groomsmen or other family in all the weddings I've been in and to.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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