Etiquette

Good Friend, no show

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Re: Good Friend, no show

  • We had a few not show up to the wedding that RSVP'd yes. One of them even texted us the morning of saying they wouldn't be there and we were both wishing they wouldn't have said anything. We probably wouldn't have missed their presence that much during the event but would have noticed later, and instead the morning of the wedding we were both sad because this person and his wife wouldn't be there. 

    I think this is two-fold, it sounds like your friend may not consider you as good as a friend as you consider her, but I don't think she is communicating that she wants nothing to do with you either. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    I texted her yesterday and she apologized for missing. Her boyfriend's mother stepped on a lit piece of charcoal two weeks ago and had to peel it off her foot. She didn't tell anyone and didn't go see a doctor until Saturday morning when they took her to the ER. She had such a bad infection in her foot that they decided to admit her. My friend was about to leave when her boyfriend said, "You're not going to leave me here by myself, are you?" 

    I would have handled it differently, but at least her reason was better than H's friend who told him, "We're just really not into weddings." It's attitudes like that, that make bridezillas send bills for no-showing.
    InLoveInQueensSP29PrettyGirlLost
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    That is infuriating, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying "Then why did you RSVP yes and put me out X amount of money?"

    Glad your friend at least had a good reason to miss and hope everything is okay with her boyfriend's mom!
    I probably shouldn't have, but I calculated what the no-shows cost us. $640 just in catering. Probably another $90 in cake. At least $100 in alcohol. So when someone says "it's just not my thing" and another says, "I just didn't want to come alone," and another who RSVPd last minute for a guest doesn't bring one and says, "she just wasn't feeling it today," it's pretty infuriating. If we weren't scraping pennies for the next 2 weeks because of this, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

    I'm going to talk to the caterer today, though, because I feel like she overcharged us. She charged the original estimate of 100 people, even though Tuesday I told her 77. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • That is infuriating, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying "Then why did you RSVP yes and put me out X amount of money?"

    Glad your friend at least had a good reason to miss and hope everything is okay with her boyfriend's mom!
    I probably shouldn't have, but I calculated what the no-shows cost us. $640 just in catering. Probably another $90 in cake. At least $100 in alcohol. So when someone says "it's just not my thing" and another says, "I just didn't want to come alone," and another who RSVPd last minute for a guest doesn't bring one and says, "she just wasn't feeling it today," it's pretty infuriating. If we weren't scraping pennies for the next 2 weeks because of this, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

    I'm going to talk to the caterer today, though, because I feel like she overcharged us. She charged the original estimate of 100 people, even though Tuesday I told her 77. 
    Check your contract first.  It's not that unusual that a caterer would let you go up but not down so close to the event.  You are probably in the right here, but if it were me I would double check before you go in guns blazing.
    SP29
  • That is infuriating, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying "Then why did you RSVP yes and put me out X amount of money?"

    Glad your friend at least had a good reason to miss and hope everything is okay with her boyfriend's mom!
    I probably shouldn't have, but I calculated what the no-shows cost us. $640 just in catering. Probably another $90 in cake. At least $100 in alcohol. So when someone says "it's just not my thing" and another says, "I just didn't want to come alone," and another who RSVPd last minute for a guest doesn't bring one and says, "she just wasn't feeling it today," it's pretty infuriating. If we weren't scraping pennies for the next 2 weeks because of this, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

    I'm going to talk to the caterer today, though, because I feel like she overcharged us. She charged the original estimate of 100 people, even though Tuesday I told her 77. 
    I am convinced that caterers are evil. Mine has been absolutely terrible. And I have not enjoyed working with her at all. I'm trying to not think about it, because I really want to enjoy the food on Saturday. 

    But definitely talk to yours about the pricing now that everything is done! It's ridiculous that so many people think they can rip people off because they hear the word "wedding"
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    Check your contract first.  It's not that unusual that a caterer would let you go up but not down so close to the event.  You are probably in the right here, but if it were me I would double check before you go in guns blazing.
    I actually gave her the final numbers by her deadline. She's a friend so I'm not going to go in guns ablazin', I'm just going to ask how she came up with the final price. I asked her when I sent her the final numbers for a new price and she didn't get me one.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Check your contract first.  It's not that unusual that a caterer would let you go up but not down so close to the event.  You are probably in the right here, but if it were me I would double check before you go in guns blazing.
    I actually gave her the final numbers by her deadline. She's a friend so I'm not going to go in guns ablazin', I'm just going to ask how she came up with the final price. I asked her when I sent her the final numbers for a new price and she didn't get me one.
    Got it.  Sounds like it is definitely her error, then.  Good luck getting that settled without the friendship coming into play.
    DrillSergeantCat
  • You said she's not flaky, but she misssd your shower and you said it took her 5 months to meet your son. 
    In the 15 years I've known her, she wasn't flaky up until about a year ago.
    Have her migraines changed in the year? Has she had more stress in her life? 

    I only ask because when you have migraines you can have periods where they are good for a time and then all of a sudden you are in hell. I had a 7 year period of remission with my migraines then after a period of stress, they came back with a vengeance. There are days I can barely get out of bed because the pain and exhaustion is too much. 

    Reach out to her and find out if something has changed. She also may be on medication which is affecting her memory (my migraine meds do) or the pain may be getting to her. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    @TrixieJess
    I texted her yesterday and she apologized for missing. Her boyfriend's mother stepped on a lit piece of charcoal two weeks ago and had to peel it off her foot. She didn't tell anyone and didn't go see a doctor until Saturday morning when they took her to the ER. She had such a bad infection in her foot that they decided to admit her. My friend was about to leave when her boyfriend said, "You're not going to leave me here by myself, are you?" 

    I would have handled it differently, but at least her reason was better than H's friend who told him, "We're just really not into weddings." It's attitudes like that, that make bridezillas send bills for no-showing.

  • @TrixieJess
    I texted her yesterday and she apologized for missing. Her boyfriend's mother stepped on a lit piece of charcoal two weeks ago and had to peel it off her foot. She didn't tell anyone and didn't go see a doctor until Saturday morning when they took her to the ER. She had such a bad infection in her foot that they decided to admit her. My friend was about to leave when her boyfriend said, "You're not going to leave me here by myself, are you?" 

    I would have handled it differently, but at least her reason was better than H's friend who told him, "We're just really not into weddings." It's attitudes like that, that make bridezillas send bills for no-showing.

    I'm talking about her behaviour overall. You talked about how she seems to be all of a sudden in the past year flaking out on events culminating in this particular no-show. You seem a little short-sighted, step back a little and realise that maybe there could be a few other things going on, and this was just one more thing. 
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
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    Glad you reached out. Similar situation happened at DD's wedding. Someone didn't show.  I knew her husband has a chronic illness and that her 95 year old mother lives with her. I emailed to see if everything was ok. Her caregiver for her husband and mother bailed on her at the last minute. I was just glad it wasn't worse.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
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    edited October 2016
    Glad you reached out. Similar situation happened at DD's wedding. Someone didn't show.  I knew her husband has a chronic illness and that her 95 year old mother lives with her. I emailed to see if everything was ok. Her caregiver for her husband and mother bailed on her at the last minute. I was just glad it wasn't worse.
    Edited because this was the wrong post.
  • kylexokylexo Finger Lakes, NY
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    my caterer had a 100 guest minimum, maybe yours did too?
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    member
    kylexo said:
    my caterer had a 100 guest minimum, maybe yours did too?
    No. I went Friday and got some money back. She has grown a bit too fast and doesn't have enough help so she went off the original estimate instead of the new numbers because she didn't have enough time to do a new invoice before the reception.
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