Etiquette

Gifts shipped not brought??

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Re: Gifts shipped not brought??

  • Only three guests gave H and I physical gifts at our wedding, and they all brought them to the reception and we took them to the hotel with all of the cards.  It didn't strike me as rude at all...although I guess if all 175 guests gave physical gifts, it would've been a bit inconvenient.  I hadn't really thought of this topic before since I always give cash myself. 
    charlotte989875MobKazMairePoppy
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    scribe95 said:
    This came up on here a few years ago and I was flabbergasted but some people defended it and said it was rude to bring a gift to a wedding. I have never been to a wedding without a gift table - and they are generally full. So this to me - if it is an etiquette rule - is one to just ignore.

    Yeah, but, like don't be obnoxious on purpose and bring it just because it's easier for you. The couple should always receive gifts graciously, and then yes, it's on them to figure out getting it home. People will bring physical gifts to weddings, and so a practical couple will keep this in mind. But just because a bunch of people do it doesn't make it a good idea, as we have daily proof.

    Shouldn't we all strive not to be that person who gives a gift and then the gift-recipient says to themselves, "TF am I going to do with this?" (whether that be because it was handed to them in a weird situation, or because it's a stupid gift).

    Anniversary

    banana468redoryxSTARMOON44
  • I just have to come back and say you guys are all making me feel like a Clampett for not knowing this  :p :D
  • Ro041 said:
    I can't understand how this is an old school rule when online shopping/shipping is a relatively recent trend.  I personally like to shop in store, buy my gift, wrap it carefully, and take it with me.  I would be low-key offended if someone called me rude for making that much effort.  
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but "back in the day" wedding registries were from fancier stores, right? And old timey fancy stores would offer things like gift wrapping and shipping? I guess that would be the way you'd do it. Or maybe drop the gift off at the couple's house, since weddings used to be more local, before people started moving all around the country. Just my assumptions. 
  • Ro041 said:
    I can't understand how this is an old school rule when online shopping/shipping is a relatively recent trend.  I personally like to shop in store, buy my gift, wrap it carefully, and take it with me.  I would be low-key offended if someone called me rude for making that much effort.  
    Easy. You'd go into a store, buy a gift, wrap it, and either personally deliver it ahead of time or ship it. Nothing to do with online shopping! Of course no one should ever call you rude for giving them a gift, but it is an old school rule. 
  • Ro041 said:
    I can't understand how this is an old school rule when online shopping/shipping is a relatively recent trend.  I personally like to shop in store, buy my gift, wrap it carefully, and take it with me.  I would be low-key offended if someone called me rude for making that much effort.  
    Easy. You'd go into a store, buy a gift, wrap it, and either personally deliver it ahead of time or ship it. Nothing to do with online shopping! Of course no one should ever call you rude for giving them a gift, but it is an old school rule. 
    Old school generally meant a variety of other things too:
    -Guests may not have been as spread across the country as we often are now.
    -Registries were new and stores offered full service including gift wrap and delivery.
    -Gifts that were received before the wedding were put on display by the bride's family.   
    -If you didn't guy from a full service place you could easily bring a gift to the couple or to someone who would be able to deliver it for you. 

    Also, where I grew up most wedding gifts are in an envelope.  Shower gifts are items that are gift wrapped. 

    No one should call you rude for making the effort to buy and wrap a gift, but I think you should think twice about doing it.  Do you know the security of the venue?  Where will the couple display it?   Who is taking care of it?   Is your gift breakable?   What if it's broken before they get it?   And finally, what do you think they're doing on their wedding night?   I can tell you that opening gifts is probably not it.  The gifts are getting loaded into someone's car and won't be looked at for at least a day or too.   My lean manufacturing brain says that the gift is traveling a lot of extra steps which opens the door for it to be lost or damaged when the shortest distance it travels to its final destination is probably safest. 

    We don't like to talk about guest etiquette a lot but I hope more and more people who attend weddings think about whether or not bringing a gift to one makes a lot of logical sense. 
    STARMOON44sparklepants41Jen4948
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    edited September 26
    I can understand how, barring an understanding of online shopping but also possibly no longer being local to the wedding or the couple, an older person might bring the physical gift to the wedding because they can't think of another way to get it to them. No judgment there. 

    But people who have other options should use them. I think the worst thing for me is that it's almost necessarily going to create work for people who aren't the couple. The couple is probably going to ask someone who is local to take and hold the gifts, since the couple will be doing other things, and then expect that person to deliver it to them or have them picked up at the convenience of the couple (maybe post-honeymoon).

    My parents weren't even local, but somehow got asked to take the gifts to a local sister's house when my mom's youngest sister got married. It was a pain, and of course not their responsibility, but the couple didn't have a car there and of course had other plans for the night, so my parents could have said "no" and then the gifts would have been abandoned at the hotel where the reception was? Or it would have been the same work for someone else? So they did it. Would have been less of a pain if fewer guests brought gifts to the event. You have a "year" to send them after the fact, so if it's a choice between bringing it to the reception and waiting a little longer to ship it, go ahead and use the extra time.

    Anniversary

    STARMOON44
  • I had always planned on having a gift table at my reception since the older generation (grandparents mainly) are not going to know/want to learn how to ship my fiancé and I our gift.

    After reading this post I might opt for the smaller table (venue offers 2 options/sizes) but still plan on having one.

    My plan for getting gifts out of the reception is using my "Bridal Butler" to do so. (Local wedding planner/day of coordinator)   

     

  • Every wedding I have ever attended all across the country has had a gift table.  Every wedding I have ever attended has had a mix of boxed gifts and money given.  I've given money and I've given a physical gift.

    I don't worry about whether or not a couple is going to get annoyed or consider it rude that I physically brought them a gift.
    We had a gift table too.  But there were hardly any things on it.  

    I think more and more venues have them simply because if they didn't, should guests just put them on the floor?? Saying "But they had a gift table," isn't really a justification for bringing the gifts.   We had stain removal wipes in the emergency baskets but I don't think that meant that guests were free to pour wine on their clothes.

    To the bolded, maybe you don't worry about the couple getting annoyed but do you think about whether or not bringing the gift was the smart choice, whether it may be damaged and how they'll get it home?    It's not just about whether the couple will find the action rude.   Do you have other options that are just easier for them? 


    STARMOON44lizybeff
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
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    Talk about inconveniencing people. I was married before internet shopping was a thing and the few department stores in my small town were not full service. You could order from the main store, but there was a delivery fee to cover the cost of the store's own delivery drivers. Some local guests hand delivered gifts to my parent's house where I lived. They would just stop in, without calling, and mom would put on coffee and make sandwiches or open one of the cookie tins reserved for those surprise visitors. Now that's old school. 

    Same here. Also, the department store where we registered only delivered locally so people who lived out of town couldn't take advantage of their delivery. Where I grew up, money was not as common a gift as it is now where I live. We received little money but a ton of boxed gifts (not all at the wedding). Yes, I am of the generation where gifts were displayed in my Mother's dining room. My mother took everything home because that is what you did. There was no talk of how it was rude. She expected to do that. I do agree that now it is less necessary to bring a box gift to the wedding because of the internet and the ease of shipping items (my hometown didn't have a UPS type store if they even existed then).
    MairePoppy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    I once brought a boxed gift to a wedding. Mistake. The couple had not arranged for any tables or places where wedding gifts could be placed or stored. A bridesmaid told me to put it in a room where the wedding party were keeping their own things.

    The couple lost it (the groom's mother called me to tell me). I never heard from the couple themselves and never received thanks.

    But I think it was my bad for bringing the gift (I think I was the only one to do so) as much as the gift getting lost and hearing about it from the groom's mother with no thanks from the couple. Had I sent it to them at home, I think they wouldn't have lost it and I might have received thanks from them.
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth
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    edited September 27
    This is so not my experience.

    I've never brought a gift (beyond a card/check) to a wedding because I think it's a PITA for me to lug to the venue. I'd rather have it shipped.

    But we had literally 2 cars full of gifts at our wedding. We have friends who live nearby, so they took home all of our decorations from the venue, and we filled H's sedan and my hatchback with at least a couple dozen wrapped gifts. If we needed to, my family would have been able to take some things home with them, but they live a while away and we wouldn't have seen them for at least 2-3 weeks, so we were happy not to have to.

    That's pretty normal from what I've heard from my circle. Not sure if it's geographical or just based on who you know. 
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    We had a lot of cards and also a lot of boxed gifts. The best man dropped them off at the house we were moving into when he went home (we lived in the same town 8 hours away). 

  • MobKaz said:
    I have yet to see any source that considers bringing a gift to a wedding an etiquette RULE and/or faux pas. 

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    Pinterest card boxes were all the rage in the early 2000's.  The biggest questions/issues from brides?  How can I put a lock on them and/or make sure no cards are stolen?  Can I have someone "have the honor" of guarding/taking care of it?  Will my venue lock it up after the reception begins?  These are not questions or concerns limited to boxed gifts.

    Just because a person is "older" does not mean they are stupid or out of touch.  My 90 year old mother in law is an avid online shopper and knows how to ship gifts.
    Okay, well, now I feel like you're just being obtuse because the Miss Manners quote I posted on the first page didn't use the words "rule" or "rude" 
    image
    STARMOON44
  • redoryx said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have yet to see any source that considers bringing a gift to a wedding an etiquette RULE and/or faux pas. 

    Rude is NOT the same as annoying.

    Pinterest card boxes were all the rage in the early 2000's.  The biggest questions/issues from brides?  How can I put a lock on them and/or make sure no cards are stolen?  Can I have someone "have the honor" of guarding/taking care of it?  Will my venue lock it up after the reception begins?  These are not questions or concerns limited to boxed gifts.

    Just because a person is "older" does not mean they are stupid or out of touch.  My 90 year old mother in law is an avid online shopper and knows how to ship gifts.
    Okay, well, now I feel like you're just being obtuse because the Miss Manners quote I posted on the first page didn't use the words "rule" or "rude" 
    Also no one has said that because a person is older they are stupid or out of touch. 
    redoryx
  • scribe95 said:
    I think the reason people are disagreeing with the so-called rule is because someone going to the trouble or getting someone a gift frankly should never be considered rude.

    Shipping gifts to the house isn't without issues as well. We left on our honeymoon the next day (as many do) and had to have someone check our door every day for a week to make sure gifts weren't left sitting outside. We received a number during that time since people waited till the last minute to order them. That was far more troublesome than loading up a car and taking the gifts home on the night of. 
    I get disagreeing with it, I don't get the weird insistence that it's a "so-called" rule. It is a rule! Disagree all you want about whether it's a good rule or one that makes sense, but it's a rule. 
    redoryxKahluaKoala
  • Well if we are going by the "rule" quoted then no one should bring a card as well. 

    Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding and she says "....Wedding presents -- properly sent to the bride's home before the wedding or to the couple's home afterward -- are a nuisance when brought to the event, where no one has time to deal with them and there is a danger of their being lost, the cards disappearing or, Miss Manners regrets to say, the packages being stolen."
    SP29
  • scribe95 said:
    Well if we are going by the "rule" quoted then no one should bring a card as well. 

    Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding and she says "....Wedding presents -- properly sent to the bride's home before the wedding or to the couple's home afterward -- are a nuisance when brought to the event, where no one has time to deal with them and there is a danger of their being lost, the cards disappearing or, Miss Manners regrets to say, the packages being stolen."
    Yeah, thanks for pointing out the same thing I did when I first posted the quote. 

    To be fair, we always say that weddings are not gift giving events and more often than not, those cards contain money which are gifts. So, she's not wrong. 
    image
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    Okay, but again, whether it is "rude" or merely annoying (and as I've said, generally annoying more to the guests who end up with responsibility for the gifts than for the recipients)... should we not try our best not to be annoying? I think that's all that's being said here. Don't bring a gift to the wedding if you have another option because you'll be annoying for no good reason.

    Anniversary

    STARMOON44banana468MairePoppyredoryx
  • Yeah but we obviously criticize brides (rightfully) for doing things that are annoying to their guests. Like a gap for instance - is simply an annoyance so we tell brides and grooms to be considerate. This distinction between "rude" and "annoying" is super arbitrary. I am of the opinion that if you're going to give a gift, you should do it in a way that doesn't cause extra burden for the recipient. Or else, who is the gift really for?
    STARMOON44redoryxMandyMost
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