Wedding Woes

Talk to the adoption agency and stop talking to her mom

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been preparing to adopt a baby from “Anita” for six months. We’ve paid Anita’s medical bills and an allowance so Anita didn’t have to work too hard during her final trimester. She’s due in six weeks, and we discovered by accident that at some point she’d changed her mind. Anita will be keeping her baby. It’s a devastating but not unexpected loss. My husband and I wish Anita well, because we want her baby to succeed, but we also want to sever our relationship with her. Anita won’t be able to afford the same level of care without our money, and her mother has accused us of being heartless. We’re torn. We can’t afford to support Anita and pursue adoption. Are we obligated to continue paying for her medical expenses?

—Paying for Baby

Re: Talk to the adoption agency and stop talking to her mom

  • LW was paying for something they felt was going to be theirs and then things change? Why keep paying.

    100% talk to the agency and stop talking to the mom. Advise "Anita" that since things change, you are supporting them anymore. Wish them well and that's it.
    SP29VarunaTTeileenrobInLoveInQueens
  • I'm pretty sure there was an episode of Sex and the City this happened as well ....
    Yep, when Charlotte and Harry brought the couple from Alabama(?) to NYC.  They used them as an opportunity to leave town and see New York, but had no intention of adopting the baby.  
    charlotte989875MissKittyDangerkimmiinthemittenOliveOilsMom
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I'm pretty sure there was an episode of Sex and the City this happened as well ....
    Yep, when Charlotte and Harry brought the couple from Alabama(?) to NYC.  They used them as an opportunity to leave town and see New York, but had no intention of adopting the baby.  
    Thought so! At the time I didn't think it was possible for people to do that {naive child thinking people were honest ....}
    mrsconn23
  • The levels of entitlement some people have are truly outrageous.

    If Anita's mother is so worried about the level of care, then why can't Anita's mother GET A JOB/GET A SECOND JOB/GET A LOAN in order to help HER daughter out.

    Then she should fall on the ground thanking the LW and her H for everything they did.  Which turned out to be for nothing but heartbreak for them.

    For the LW, if they haven't already, they need to totally cut off ties with both Anita and her mother.  Something to the effect of, "As I'm sure you understand, this has been a very painful chapter in our lives.  While we wish the best for Anita and her child, we need to cut ties with both of you for our own emotional well being.  Of course we are no longer paying her bills either.  That would be ridiculous."

    Then, block any calls/e-mail/communication.  In general, I think more people need to learn this lesson.  Just because someone wants something and wants to get in touch with you, does not obligate a person to respond back if there is nothing to discuss.  Though I do think there should usually be a last courtesy "do not contact me".

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    mrsconn23 said:
    This letter is why people who say, "Just adopt!" need to shut ALL THE WAY the fuck up.  This is not uncommon and it's awful every.fucking.time I've heard about it happening. 
    I know someone who had the baby taken back after he had been in the home for several days. So heartbreaking. The adoptive mom had other children and had already had some success with taking supplements and using a pump to stimulate milk production. 

    It was so hard for them, and they eventually turned to no-strings-attached overseas adoption so they wouldn't have to worry about that. 

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Um, no... Although it's possible Anita was genuinely planning to give her child up for adoption in the beginning, since her decision to keep the baby, she has been conning these people and stealing their money. And her mother thinks THEY'RE heartless? What, for not throwing thousands of dollars at someone who hasn't been honest with them? Girl bye.

    Right?!  That was my thought too.  The apple doesn't fall from the tree here.
    image
  • To the heartless comment from the mother - it strikes me as insanely heartless to promise someone a child that they clearly want and then deny them said child.  And I almost feel like "Anita" might have been convinced by her mother to change her mind because suddenly she was getting a "free ride" and she could just keep getting money from this couple and keep her baby.  So get her  cake and eat it too.  Which is ridiculous.  
    imageimage
    mrsconn23charlotte989875
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