It's not on you to mend fences.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
About two years ago my parents separated and are now divorced. They both had affairs, and my dad left my mother for the woman he had an affair with. We’re still working on blending the families, but two of my siblings, one in particular, have refused to accept my dad’s fiancée. My brother has said that he will not budge until they break up. My dad says that he’s done appeasing my brother and has to stand up for his relationship. I’m worried that he’s about to torpedo his relationship with my brother, but I can hardly expect him to end his engagement. My brother steadfastly refused to go to my dad’s for Christmas and continues to reject any of my dad’s attempts to get them in the same room together. I don’t know how to talk to either of them anymore. How do I help keep my family from falling completely to pieces?
—Family Breakup

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
About two years ago my parents separated and are now divorced. They both had affairs, and my dad left my mother for the woman he had an affair with. We’re still working on blending the families, but two of my siblings, one in particular, have refused to accept my dad’s fiancée. My brother has said that he will not budge until they break up. My dad says that he’s done appeasing my brother and has to stand up for his relationship. I’m worried that he’s about to torpedo his relationship with my brother, but I can hardly expect him to end his engagement. My brother steadfastly refused to go to my dad’s for Christmas and continues to reject any of my dad’s attempts to get them in the same room together. I don’t know how to talk to either of them anymore. How do I help keep my family from falling completely to pieces?
—Family Breakup

It's time for the brother to come to terms with reality.

OP doesn't have to mend fences.   She can simply say that she's not going to take sides.

The only thing I'd do if I was the LW is to ask the brother to seek some counseling and possibly see what he's hoping to accomplish by asking his father to end the engagement.   That won't make things better.   Hell, even Cher can't turn back time. 

MissKittyDanger

LW doesn't have to mend fences, but brother has to understand what he wants may not happen.

I think LW should suggest counseling. Break ups of families - especially when affairs are involved - aren't easy. Sounds like brother has more animosity towards the dad and new spouse than her realizes, or understands.

STARMOON44

You can’t. You didn’t break the fences, you can’t mend them. 

southernbelle0915

Suggest counseling to your brother and leave it alone. I'm predicting that 5 years from now, dad will be married to his SO and brother will still be standing on is isolated island of "he chose her over me" when really it's more like "I'm too immature and proud to admit that families change and my parents weren't the Cleavers."

This wording bothered me: "I’m worried that [my dad]’s about to torpedo his relationship with my brother." Um, your brother is the one who refuses to accept reality and has tossed out ultimatums that aren't realistic. So yea.

mrsconn23

southernbelle0915 said:

This wording bothered me: "I’m worried that [my dad]’s about to torpedo his relationship with my brother." Um, your brother is the one who refuses to accept reality and has tossed out ultimatums that aren't realistic. So yea.

Yes.  LW may be tipped on brother's side about dad's FI, but she wants a relationship with her dad.  

Dad is a grown up and has chosen this lady.  You can't, even as someone's child, ask them to choose you over their partner/spouse.  It's a zero-sum game. And being petulant about it all just makes everything more difficult on everyone. 

Ro041

I would probably tell brother that he is being an ass and needs to get over it.  

charlotte989875

Ro041 said:

I would probably tell brother that he is being an ass and needs to get over it.  

Same. 

I'd tell brother and Dad that I'm staying out of it and it's on them to work, or not work, things out. 

And then actually stick by that. 

*Barbie*

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
About two years ago my parents separated and are now divorced. They both had affairs, and my dad left my mother for the woman he had an affair with. We’re still working on blending the families, but two of my siblings, one in particular, have refused to accept my dad’s fiancée. My brother has said that he will not budge until they break up. My dad says that he’s done appeasing my brother and has to stand up for his relationship. I’m worried that he’s about to torpedo his relationship with my brother, but I can hardly expect him to end his engagement. My brother steadfastly refused to go to my dad’s for Christmas and continues to reject any of my dad’s attempts to get them in the same room together. I don’t know how to talk to either of them anymore. How do I help keep my family from falling completely to pieces?
—Family Breakup

It's time for the brother to come to terms with reality.

OP doesn't have to mend fences.   She can simply say that she's not going to take sides.

The only thing I'd do if I was the LW is to ask the brother to seek some counseling and possibly see what he's hoping to accomplish by asking his father to end the engagement.   That won't make things better.   Hell, even Cher can't turn back time. 

i'm totally stealing this. 

kimmiinthemitten

As someone who was raised with the expectation that my parents will disappoint me majorly at every turn, I can't imagine how devastating it must be for people from seemingly happy families to disintegrate - but granted, I'm adding some leeway to the story. 

As an adult, my best friend learned devastating news about her parents that her siblings knew and kept from her.  It took her a long time to not just process the new reality was that her family, revisit everything she thought she knew with this new context, but also to trust all of the people closest to her who kept this secret from her for decades.  While brother seems to be bratty in this short letter, I wouldn't be surprised either if there's more to the story and that is why it's impacting him so much more than the others.

With that said, I have so many questions, but none as big as:  how is said brother treating mom? 

Is mom still with her affair partner?  Is Dad the only one being blamed for the break up?  How old is brother?  What is the other sibling doing?  Did any/all of the kids have inklings about the affairs beforehand?