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Etiquette

Not inviting guest that fiance wants

There is this girl who I've never been fond of that my fiancé wants to be invited to our wedding. He says that he likes her boyfriend more than her and wants him to come. 
The issue is I can't stand this girl and her boyfriend just got out of jail for dealing and other charges associated. I don't really want this at our wedding either. 
My parents are paying for the wedding and they're not to excited about these people coming anyway. My plan currently is just go with "oh her invite must have gotten lost in the mail" when/if he brings it up. 

He doesn't care THAT much who comes since he keeps saying "As long as you and I are there and two witnesses I don't care who comes." 

 

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Re: Not inviting guest that fiance wants

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    How would you feel if your fi lied to you? Not good, probably. You should discuss this with your fi and reach a mutual decision. Right now, you are conspiring with your parents against your husband. Not a good way to start a marriage.
                
    InLoveInQueensahoyweddingeileenrob
  • Why don't you like these people? (Besides the judgmental statement that her boyfriend recently got out of jail and "deals drugs"). If you have legitimate concerns or conflicts with one of them, I think you have a leg to stand on in not inviting them. If the boyfriend of the couple is a friend of your fiance, or someone important in his life, then they should be included. If he's kind of "meh" on the couple, it's worth discussing and being honest about. 
    SP29
  • Yea, the current plan is bad from a relationship standpoint, but also from an etiquette standpoint. I guarantee your FH will mention it to them and give them the details verbally anyway. And anyone that gets a verbal invite must get a written invite. 

    You and your FH just need to get on the same page. Those who pay get a say, so if your parents draw the line at drug dealers, well that's that. 
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    image
  • Completely agree with @Jen4948...if your FI doesn’t care than just be honest that you’d rather they not be there.  Each member of a couple is human, over the course of a marriage there are usually white lies or omissions once in a while.  But intentionally lying (and just to avoid conflict at worst but most likely a frank conversation) is a big red flag.
    lovesclimbingshort+sassydowntondiva
  • If your FI doesn't care that much anyway whether this couple comes or not and has not told them they're invited, just tell him you and your parents aren't comfortable with it and they're not invited. Or, if he has already verbally invited them, just send them an invitation and grin and bear it if they show up. Reality is that you wouldn't have to interact with them that much at the wedding anyway. 

    Those are your options. Lying to your FI about an invitation "getting lost in the mail" is absolutely NOT an option. This is an incredibly stupid thing to put the trust in your relationship on the line for, and it is just about guaranteed to backfire. 
    image
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 22
    Isn't this your FI's wedding, too?  Doesn't he get to choose any guests, or is it just all about YOU?  Oh, wait!  Yeah!  YOU'RE THE BRIDE so your opinion comes first.  Ew.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    Isn't this your FI's wedding, too?  Doesn't he get to choose any guests, or is it just all about YOU?  Oh, wait!  Yeah!  YOU'RE THE BRIDE so your opinion comes first.  Ew.
    Where is this even coming from?? She's literally don't NOTHING to warrant this response.

    The guy is a drug dealer who just got out of jail and she can't stand the guy's girlfriend. Her parents are paying and don't want these people there. And her FI doesn't really care that much. All signs point to not inviting this couple.
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    Jen4948STARMOON44augustgirl21levioosa
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 22
    I had a drug dealer at my wedding.  My sister asked, I said OK.  No drug transactions happened at the wedding, but he did come high.  He's not in our circles any more.  No big deal.

    Daughter's wedding also included a convicted drug dealer.  No problem.  We didn't know him, but he behaved beautifully.

    I just question why the bride is making a big deal out of this.  Her FI ought to get choices, too.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 22
    CMGragain said:
    I had a drug dealer at my wedding.  My sister asked, I said OK.  No drug transactions happened at the wedding, but he did come high.  He's not in our circles any more.  No big deal.

    Daughter's wedding also included a convicted drug dealer.  No problem.  We didn't know him, but he behaved beautifully.

    I just question why the bride is making a big deal out of this.  Her FI ought to get choices, too.
    Depends on those choices. Nobody is entitled to "choose" to expect his FI's parents to pay for a guest to deal drugs at their wedding. And if he's not invited, then his girlfriend need not be invited.

    The venue probably has rules that would penalize the OP's parents or whomever for illegal substances on their property -- big-time. The bride or her parents should not have to pay for the consequences of his decision to deal drugs by inviting him and his girlfriend, especially since the groom doesn't care. Those penalties can be STIFF. Drug dealing is ILLEGAL and the venue can also get into very big trouble with the law, as in arrests at the wedding. They can also have other problems, such as insurance problems, if guests show up dealing drugs.

    That's what makes it a "big deal." What didn't happen at your daughter's wedding does not make it not a "big deal." Presumably they are not marrying at the same venue as your daughter, so comparisons to your daughter's wedding aren't even relevant.

    Why the hell are you so willing to overlook that to pass exceptionally snotty judgment on the bride for not wanting her parents or her venue to suffer those kinds of consequences?



    augustgirl21
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 22
    Because, FFS, the groom says he doesn't care about inviting this couple. So if it's not important to him whether or not they show up, and it is important to the people paying for the wedding that they don't, the groom should find something else to make a fucking choice about.

    And the people paying have every right to exercise the power of the purse over not inviting someone the groom doesn't even care about. If the bride's parents don't want him there, then it's actually fucking irrelevant whether or not there's a possibility that he might deal drugs at the wedding. But if they're paying, then they probably had to sign a contract with the venue accepting responsibility for not having drugs around, so if that's where they want to draw the line, that's where the line is.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 22
    Jen4948 said:
    Because, FFS, the groom says he doesn't care about inviting this couple. So if it's not important to him whether or not they show up, and it is important to the people paying for the wedding that they don't, the groom should find something else to make a fucking choice about.


    This, IMHO, is a completely valid reason.

    Assuming this guy will be walking around with a sign saying, "GET YOUR DRUGS HERE!", is not.

    The hosts can draw the line wherever they like. It's their money. If the groom wants to invite a drug dealer or anyone else so badly whom the hosts aren't willing to accommodate, he can pay for the wedding himself. If he can't or won't do that, then he has to suck it up.
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    @Jen4948 I agree if the groom doesn't really care, the couple shouldn't  be invited but as the parents who paid for DD's wedding we didn't sign a contract accepting responsibility for the actions of guests at a venue. The venue had insurance, we had to pay for security but we weren't liable for our guests other than damages that may have happened (none did of course). In previous threads on long this same topic posters have always said you don't assume people will be selling/passing around drugs just because they are known addicts. I don't know why all of a sudden this has changed.
    MobKazahoyweddingMyNameIsNot
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 22
    I don't think she should lie to him. I've never suggested that for a minute.

    But @CMGragain was being nasty about the bride's saying no so as to have everything her own way without the groom having a choice about anything, and that's not what's happening here. The groom has plenty of choices, and hopefully he will make ones that are acceptable to the OP and her parents-or they will compromise. But if the OP's parents don't compromise, especially about something he doesn't even care about, he'll have to let their decision stand. Otherwise, he'll have to pay for the wedding.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:

    The hosts can draw the line wherever they like. It's their money. If the groom wants to invite a drug dealer or anyone else so badly whom the hosts aren't willing to accommodate, he can pay for the wedding himself. If he can't or won't do that, then he has to suck it up.

    My objection is in the act of lying to the groom. If she objects to his friends, she needs to be upfront about it and then hear him out. Basically she is suggesting that she would lie to get her way. That is really shitty behavior. 
    I agree that lying is completely inappropriate.
    MesmrEweahoyweddingMairePoppy
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 23
    Jen4948 said:
    I don't think she should lie to him. I've never suggested that for a minute.

    But @CMGragain was being nasty about the bride's saying no so as to have everything her own way without the groom having a choice about anything, and that's not what's happening here. The groom has plenty of choices, and hopefully he will make ones that are acceptable to the OP and her parents-or they will compromise. But if the OP's parents don't compromise, especially about something he doesn't even care about, he'll have to let their decision stand. Otherwise, he'll have to pay for the wedding.
    The groom has NO choice if he is being lied to and being told this couple IS being invited when in fact, they are not.  You may "read nasty" in @CMGragain"s post, but nothing spells "have it your way" clearer than lying to someone to get that way.
    InLoveInQueensMairePoppySP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MobKaz said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I don't think she should lie to him. I've never suggested that for a minute.

    But @CMGragain was being nasty about the bride's saying no so as to have everything her own way without the groom having a choice about anything, and that's not what's happening here. The groom has plenty of choices, and hopefully he will make ones that are acceptable to the OP and her parents-or they will compromise. But if the OP's parents don't compromise, especially about something he doesn't even care about, he'll have to let their decision stand. Otherwise, he'll have to pay for the wedding.
    The groom has NO choice if he is being lied to and being told this couple IS being invited when in fact, they are not.  You may "read nasty" in @CMGragain"s post, but nothing spells "have it your way" clearer than lying to someone to get that way.
    As I said in this post you quoted, I don't think she should lie either. They need to resolve the issue by talking it through and coming up with a resolution they (and her parents) all find acceptable.
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