Goodbye July, Hello August!

climbingsingle

Jen4948 said:

I am having a problem with a friend who broke up with an abusive boyfriend and is about to move in with a new boyfriend (they've dated only 4 or 5 months). She has a habit of posting on Facebook that she can't cope with his temper and drinking problems and needs another place to move one minute, then that he's "kind, loving and generous" to her the next. She's also got a history of assorted problems of her own. A lot of friends of hers, me included, have advised her to break up with this guy and find another boyfriend who treats her with true kindness and respect and doesn't have the personality problems she describes, but she keeps getting defensive about her decision to move in with the guy.

I'm just venting because I already know the answer -- that she's an adult and everyone just needs to let her find out the hard way that he's bad news. Which I'm gonna do (no other choice) even though I'm really scared for her. She's not even the only friend of mine doing the same thing. We have a common friend who's also doing this.

All the friends involved in this yo-yoing are otherwise good friends so I don't want to lose their friendship, but it's so frustrating being targeted as the crying shoulder for grown women who choose to be with guys who treat them like shit.

I had to break up with my best friend from kindergarten because of a similar situation. It truly became toxic. And this was someone I had been close with for 30+ years of my life. But, there comes a time when you need to do what's right for you, and your sanity. I do still keep in touch with her and we email once in a while, but I haven't seen her in a few years now. 

NBSquared2017

Jen4948 said:

I am having a problem with a friend who broke up with an abusive boyfriend and is about to move in with a new boyfriend (they've dated only 4 or 5 months). She has a habit of posting on Facebook that she can't cope with his temper and drinking problems and needs another place to move one minute, then that he's "kind, loving and generous" to her the next. She's also got a history of assorted problems of her own. A lot of friends of hers, me included, have advised her to break up with this guy and find another boyfriend who treats her with true kindness and respect and doesn't have the personality problems she describes, but she keeps getting defensive about her decision to move in with the guy.

I'm just venting because I already know the answer -- that she's an adult and everyone just needs to let her find out the hard way that he's bad news. Which I'm gonna do (no other choice) even though I'm really scared for her. She's not even the only friend of mine doing the same thing. We have a common friend who's also doing this.

All the friends involved in this yo-yoing are otherwise good friends so I don't want to lose their friendship, but it's so frustrating being targeted as the crying shoulder for grown women who choose to be with guys who treat them like shit.

I had a friend who seemed to search for the worst guys humanly possible. I don’t like to give relationship advice, but if she asked what I thought I would give her my opinion. Ultimately, it would end up in some super dramatic break-up and I would need to console her. We had a falling out about 4 years ago and did not speak for a while. I just could not take it anymore. It’s like she was complaining that her hand was burning and when you try to explain that she’s holding over a fire she refuses to move it.

I was proactive last year and reached out to her as I made a promise to myself I would try to be better about holding grudges. She came and visited with my cousin and by the end of the trip, she was miserable because of some guy she was dating would not text her back. She asked me why I had all the good luck and why she did not and she did not understand how my life was always so much better than hers. At that point, it was just best to move on from the friendship. I definitely outgrew that friendship and I’m much better off.

I am sorry that you’re frustrated. 

short+sassy

Jen4948 said:

I am having a problem with a friend who broke up with an abusive boyfriend and is about to move in with a new boyfriend (they've dated only 4 or 5 months). She has a habit of posting on Facebook that she can't cope with his temper and drinking problems and needs another place to move one minute, then that he's "kind, loving and generous" to her the next. She's also got a history of assorted problems of her own. A lot of friends of hers, me included, have advised her to break up with this guy and find another boyfriend who treats her with true kindness and respect and doesn't have the personality problems she describes, but she keeps getting defensive about her decision to move in with the guy.

I'm just venting because I already know the answer -- that she's an adult and everyone just needs to let her find out the hard way that he's bad news. Which I'm gonna do (no other choice) even though I'm really scared for her. She's not even the only friend of mine doing the same thing. We have a common friend who's also doing this.

All the friends involved in this yo-yoing are otherwise good friends so I don't want to lose their friendship, but it's so frustrating being targeted as the crying shoulder for grown women who choose to be with guys who treat them like shit.

Maybe after this relationship blows up, you can gently suggest she get some therapy sessions.  As crazy as it sounds, that's her "type".  And she is most likely to keep choosing that same type of guy, until she recognizes it and takes steps to make better choices.

On her side of not doing the right thing, what's with venting and complaining about him on FB?  If that's on her wall instead of PMs, that's messed up!  Even if it was a true problem(s), I would be LIVID if my H every aired his complaints about me on such a public forum.

Jen4948

She's posting about it in a closed group. But yeah, that's part of what makes all this so annoying.

I actually did suggest that if she stays with him, then she should consider couples counseling. She's not responding well to anything less than "Yay! I'm so happy for you!" responses (she's received a few of those :-O).

charlotte989875

Jen4948 said:

I am having a problem with a friend who broke up with an abusive boyfriend and is about to move in with a new boyfriend (they've dated only 4 or 5 months). She has a habit of posting on Facebook that she can't cope with his temper and drinking problems and needs another place to move one minute, then that he's "kind, loving and generous" to her the next. She's also got a history of assorted problems of her own. A lot of friends of hers, me included, have advised her to break up with this guy and find another boyfriend who treats her with true kindness and respect and doesn't have the personality problems she describes, but she keeps getting defensive about her decision to move in with the guy.

I'm just venting because I already know the answer -- that she's an adult and everyone just needs to let her find out the hard way that he's bad news. Which I'm gonna do (no other choice) even though I'm really scared for her. She's not even the only friend of mine doing the same thing. We have a common friend who's also doing this.

All the friends involved in this yo-yoing are otherwise good friends so I don't want to lose their friendship, but it's so frustrating being targeted as the crying shoulder for grown women who choose to be with guys who treat them like shit.

It's really hard to watch a friend go through this and be there for her. 

A couple things that might help; many, many people who leave abusive relationships find themselves in another abusive relationships (sometimes this patterns repeats forever). It's not that she's choosing these guys, it's often that guys like that know how to target women. She may not know how to break the cycle (or really, even that there is a cycle)

As hard as it is; try not telling her what to do. Help her think through each of her options and what would happen if she chose that route, but try to avoid (and I know this is hard) telling her to leave him; help her make choices, rather than telling her what she should do. 

And take care of yourself. This is a lot.

Jen4948

charlotte989875 said:

Jen4948 said:

I am having a problem with a friend who broke up with an abusive boyfriend and is about to move in with a new boyfriend (they've dated only 4 or 5 months). She has a habit of posting on Facebook that she can't cope with his temper and drinking problems and needs another place to move one minute, then that he's "kind, loving and generous" to her the next. She's also got a history of assorted problems of her own. A lot of friends of hers, me included, have advised her to break up with this guy and find another boyfriend who treats her with true kindness and respect and doesn't have the personality problems she describes, but she keeps getting defensive about her decision to move in with the guy.

I'm just venting because I already know the answer -- that she's an adult and everyone just needs to let her find out the hard way that he's bad news. Which I'm gonna do (no other choice) even though I'm really scared for her. She's not even the only friend of mine doing the same thing. We have a common friend who's also doing this.

All the friends involved in this yo-yoing are otherwise good friends so I don't want to lose their friendship, but it's so frustrating being targeted as the crying shoulder for grown women who choose to be with guys who treat them like shit.

It's really hard to watch a friend go through this and be there for her. 

A couple things that might help; many, many people who leave abusive relationships find themselves in another abusive relationships (sometimes this patterns repeats forever). It's not that she's choosing these guys, it's often that guys like that know how to target women. She may not know how to break the cycle (or really, even that there is a cycle)

As hard as it is; try not telling her what to do. Help her think through each of her options and what would happen if she chose that route, but try to avoid (and I know this is hard) telling her to leave him; help her make choices, rather than telling her what she should do. 

And take care of yourself. This is a lot.

Thanks! The only reason I advised her to break up with him is because she asked if she should. Unfortunately, she behaves like those posters who claim to want our advice about their weddings and then get pissed off and claim that we're being rude when we actually give it.