Your H is your problem here.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My family is big into Renaissance fairs, and I hand-sew all our costumes. Our girls have outgrown a few of them, so my sister-in-law asked if she could borrow them for Halloween. I agreed if she promised to take care of them and return them clean. My niece took the first one for her school trick-or-treat festival. My sister-in-law returned the dress completely trashed, with the fabric ruined and the embroidery pulled out: She threw the dress in with her laundry, rather than getting it dry-cleaned like I requested. No apology, just the excuse that it was “shoddy work.” I refused to give her the other items, and she yelled that I was breaking my promise and “ruining Halloween.” My husband agrees his sister is out of line but wants me to put it aside for the sake of family harmony. I spent hours of work on these clothes and don’t understand how I got to be the bad guy. What do I do?

—Hands Off My Hand-Me-Downs

charlotte989875

If your SIL wants costumes she can 1) buy some 2) make some 3) recognize she had a great deal getting hand made costumes for free that she then ruined. 

If your husband band wants to smooth this over he can talk to his sister about how she didn’t respect the dress she borrowed or he can take responsibility for making sure the dress is cared for by taking it to the sister, picking it up after Halloween and getting it dry cleaned. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

If your SIL wants costumes she can 1) buy some 2) make some 3) recognize she had a great deal getting hand made costumes for free that she then ruined. 

If your husband band wants to smooth this over he can talk to his sister about how she didn’t respect the dress she borrowed or he can take responsibility for making sure the dress is cared for by taking it to the sister, picking it up after Halloween and getting it dry cleaned. 

And also not to yell at his wife when she's upset about something SIL did to ruin LW's property. 

banana468

The H needs to get a bigger backbone.   He can't say that his sister is out of line only to the wife.   That is essentially saying, "I know she was mean but let's keep it between us so she can think I took her side." 

However, what's the LW planning to do with these costumes?   If they'd only collect dust it's time to get rid of them.   No one wants to see hard work abused so maybe she needs to sell them or see if another family with similar interests would be far more interested. 

I also think that the LW may have needed to lower her expectations.   How a kid may behave if involved in some type of reenactment is far different from how kids play on Halloween.    SIL was completely out of line here but you need to anticipate some wear and tear.  

SIL was more in the wrong but I just wonder if LW had expectations that were too high. 

mrsconn23

I don't want to say that LW's expectations were 'too high', but maybe not clearly communicated?  Maybe SIL assumed since LW's kids had outgrown the costumes, that LW didn't care what happened to them.  It's OK that LW feels they have sentimental value, but that needs to be understood in the transaction.  

missJeanLouise

I wonder if LW specified that the dress was dry clean only or not. Just because something is handmade or has a lot of detail does not automatically mean it can’t be washed in a home machine. SIL messes up, for sure, but I have to wonder if LW doesn’t bare some of the blame.

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I don't want to say that LW's expectations were 'too high', but maybe not clearly communicated?  Maybe SIL assumed since LW's kids had outgrown the costumes, that LW didn't care what happened to them.  It's OK that LW feels they have sentimental value, but that needs to be understood in the transaction.  

Fair enough there too.

I think there's a lot of miscommunication here but the SIL is coming off as a petulant brat with a brother who needs to have his spine checked. 

Casadena

I also agree that SIL is MORE wrong, but if the cleaning part had to be so carefully done I probably would have done it myself. Also, I do not dry clean anything and I have plenty of clothes that direct me to do so. It's possible SIL is the same way and never had an issue so thought she could get away with it. Not the right thing to do necessarily, but I could see where she might try it. Although since the dress was ruined I would have expected that she be more apologetic.

ei34

I think the H is most wrong (grow a backbone dude), followed by SIL (more for the “shoddy work” excuse and “you ruined Halloween” accusation than not dry cleaning).  

It may sound crazy but some of my kids’ baby clothes hold sentimental value to me.  They weren’t donated or given as hand me downs or lent to someone else, bc I’d be upset if something happened to them. (Disclaimer it’s like 2-3 pieces of clothes per kid, not a ton of stuff.) Now that LW knows how she feels when something happens to the Renaissance dresses, she has her answer for the future.  It’s unfortunate that the H and SIL think she’s the bad guy.

levioosa

What. The. Fuck. Those clothes are SO much work to make. I’m furious for LW. The comment that the clothes were “shoddy work” was just so over the line too. And the husband sucks. I totally disagree that LW has any responsibility here. She was clear about her expectations for care. If SIL was too lazy or cheap to dry clean them (literally the least she could do with saving that much money on a kid’s costume), then that’s on her. 

Think about this in another context. You lend someone a book you love. “Hey, just an fyi, please don’t dog ear any of the pages.” The book comes back to you and is dog eared, the cover is bent, with a corner torn off. “Wow,” your friend says, “that was a shitty book.” You’d be rightly upset. 

“Sure, you can borrow this tile saw. Just please make sure it’s got enough water in it while you’re using it. And periodically check the blades.” The person gives it back after running it dry, ruining the motor and blades. “This saw really sucked. I don’t know why you got it.” You’d be pissed. 

It doesn’t matter if the LW was seemingly “done” with the clothes. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t sit the SIL down and saw “never ever ever under any circumstance wash these in the laundry. They absolutely-tutely must be dry cleaned. Dry. Clean. Only.” She asked for them to be treated gently and dry cleaned. Those are reasonable requests. Husband and SIL suck. 

VarunaTT

To maybe put this into context, sewing (especially handsewing) even a "shoddy work" renaissance costume is looking at a minimum of 12 hours of work from concept to wear.  And fabric, even with coupons and all that jazz, it pretty expensive anymore.  It's hard to get below $5/yard for "shoddy" and if it's not, she might've spent close to $20/yard.  I've got a costume for drag that we bought as a simple velvet jacket (base jacket $50).  It's got over 14 hours of work put into it (and sitting here really counting up, it's probably around 20 hours because of some hand cutting and stitching that is mindless for me) and is probably valued at around $500 because of additional lace, sequins, rhinestones, and time.  If someone asked to borrow it and I gave clear instructions on how to take care of it and it wasn't followed and returned to me trashed?  I'd be screwing with their next booking, TBH.  

SIL can go buy her own cheap shit to ruin.

Jen4948

Who the F is SIL to notch about "shoddy work" when she failed to take proper care of those costumes?

As for the H, hell to the no.

banana468

levioosa said:

What. The. Fuck. Those clothes are SO much work to make. I’m furious for LW. The comment that the clothes were “shoddy work” was just so over the line too. And the husband sucks. I totally disagree that LW has any responsibility here. She was clear about her expectations for care. If SIL was too lazy or cheap to dry clean them (literally the least she could do with saving that much money on a kid’s costume), then that’s on her. 

Think about this in another context. You lend someone a book you love. “Hey, just an fyi, please don’t dog ear any of the pages.” The book comes back to you and is dog eared, the cover is bent, with a corner torn off. “Wow,” your friend says, “that was a shitty book.” You’d be rightly upset. 

“Sure, you can borrow this tile saw. Just please make sure it’s got enough water in it while you’re using it. And periodically check the blades.” The person gives it back after running it dry, ruining the motor and blades. “This saw really sucked. I don’t know why you got it.” You’d be pissed. 

It doesn’t matter if the LW was seemingly “done” with the clothes. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t sit the SIL down and saw “never ever ever under any circumstance wash these in the laundry. They absolutely-tutely must be dry cleaned. Dry. Clean. Only.” She asked for them to be treated gently and dry cleaned. Those are reasonable requests. Husband and SIL suck. 

I think those two statements are somewhat incongruous here though.   That's my main issue with the entire thing.    I'm thinking that the niece just did what she thought she could do in any other Halloween costume.

My guess is that SIL never gave the LW's expecations to her children and did not bother to pay attention to anything that LW said.

I always wish there was more backstory here.   Because in all of this it's coming across like SIL isn't responsible for her actions or her kids. 

levioosa

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

What. The. Fuck. Those clothes are SO much work to make. I’m furious for LW. The comment that the clothes were “shoddy work” was just so over the line too. And the husband sucks. I totally disagree that LW has any responsibility here. She was clear about her expectations for care. If SIL was too lazy or cheap to dry clean them (literally the least she could do with saving that much money on a kid’s costume), then that’s on her. 

Think about this in another context. You lend someone a book you love. “Hey, just an fyi, please don’t dog ear any of the pages.” The book comes back to you and is dog eared, the cover is bent, with a corner torn off. “Wow,” your friend says, “that was a shitty book.” You’d be rightly upset. 

“Sure, you can borrow this tile saw. Just please make sure it’s got enough water in it while you’re using it. And periodically check the blades.” The person gives it back after running it dry, ruining the motor and blades. “This saw really sucked. I don’t know why you got it.” You’d be pissed. 

It doesn’t matter if the LW was seemingly “done” with the clothes. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t sit the SIL down and saw “never ever ever under any circumstance wash these in the laundry. They absolutely-tutely must be dry cleaned. Dry. Clean. Only.” She asked for them to be treated gently and dry cleaned. Those are reasonable requests. Husband and SIL suck. 

I think those two statements are somewhat incongruous here though.   That's my main issue with the entire thing.    I'm thinking that the niece just did what she thought she could do in any other Halloween costume.

My guess is that SIL never gave the LW's expecations to her children and did not bother to pay attention to anything that LW said.

I always wish there was more backstory here.   Because in all of this it's coming across like SIL isn't responsible for her actions or her kids. 

I still completely disagree. I have never seen a kid who is just trick or treating or wearing an outfit to class completely ruin an outfit. Embroidery pulled out? Torn? A lot more than normal wearing was going on here. Insinuating that LW should have told SIL “no extreme sports, no jumping on a trampoline in the outfit” is kind of ridiculous. I was a rambunctious kid. My brother was even more high energy (to put it mildly). Somehow we never ruined a Halloween outfit like that. And I’ve never once borrowed something as a kid or as an adult that I’ve treated that poorly because that’s just disrespectful. If the outfit had come back with a stain from juice I would be more inclined to be like “well, that will happen with kids.” But the damage to the dress is pretty significant for what should have been happening to it while being borrowed. 

MyNameIsNot

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

What. The. Fuck. Those clothes are SO much work to make. I’m furious for LW. The comment that the clothes were “shoddy work” was just so over the line too. And the husband sucks. I totally disagree that LW has any responsibility here. She was clear about her expectations for care. If SIL was too lazy or cheap to dry clean them (literally the least she could do with saving that much money on a kid’s costume), then that’s on her. 

Think about this in another context. You lend someone a book you love. “Hey, just an fyi, please don’t dog ear any of the pages.” The book comes back to you and is dog eared, the cover is bent, with a corner torn off. “Wow,” your friend says, “that was a shitty book.” You’d be rightly upset. 

“Sure, you can borrow this tile saw. Just please make sure it’s got enough water in it while you’re using it. And periodically check the blades.” The person gives it back after running it dry, ruining the motor and blades. “This saw really sucked. I don’t know why you got it.” You’d be pissed. 

It doesn’t matter if the LW was seemingly “done” with the clothes. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t sit the SIL down and saw “never ever ever under any circumstance wash these in the laundry. They absolutely-tutely must be dry cleaned. Dry. Clean. Only.” She asked for them to be treated gently and dry cleaned. Those are reasonable requests. Husband and SIL suck. 

I think those two statements are somewhat incongruous here though.   That's my main issue with the entire thing.    I'm thinking that the niece just did what she thought she could do in any other Halloween costume.

My guess is that SIL never gave the LW's expecations to her children and did not bother to pay attention to anything that LW said.

I always wish there was more backstory here.   Because in all of this it's coming across like SIL isn't responsible for her actions or her kids. 

But she did communicate these:

 I agreed if she promised to take care of them and return them clean...  She threw the dress in with her laundry, rather than getting it dry-cleaned like I requested. 

I mean, maybe she lying, but she specifically says that she made the SIL promise to take care of it and that she specifically asked that it be dry cleaned. I don't think it's fair to blame LW for the SIL 1) ignoring the instructions and 2) not conveying the need to be careful to SIL's child.

ETA: I can't tell that the kid did anything that messed up the dress. It sounds to me like the laundry is the problem. 

banana468

levioosa said:

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

What. The. Fuck. Those clothes are SO much work to make. I’m furious for LW. The comment that the clothes were “shoddy work” was just so over the line too. And the husband sucks. I totally disagree that LW has any responsibility here. She was clear about her expectations for care. If SIL was too lazy or cheap to dry clean them (literally the least she could do with saving that much money on a kid’s costume), then that’s on her. 

Think about this in another context. You lend someone a book you love. “Hey, just an fyi, please don’t dog ear any of the pages.” The book comes back to you and is dog eared, the cover is bent, with a corner torn off. “Wow,” your friend says, “that was a shitty book.” You’d be rightly upset. 

“Sure, you can borrow this tile saw. Just please make sure it’s got enough water in it while you’re using it. And periodically check the blades.” The person gives it back after running it dry, ruining the motor and blades. “This saw really sucked. I don’t know why you got it.” You’d be pissed. 

It doesn’t matter if the LW was seemingly “done” with the clothes. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t sit the SIL down and saw “never ever ever under any circumstance wash these in the laundry. They absolutely-tutely must be dry cleaned. Dry. Clean. Only.” She asked for them to be treated gently and dry cleaned. Those are reasonable requests. Husband and SIL suck. 

I think those two statements are somewhat incongruous here though.   That's my main issue with the entire thing.    I'm thinking that the niece just did what she thought she could do in any other Halloween costume.

My guess is that SIL never gave the LW's expecations to her children and did not bother to pay attention to anything that LW said.

I always wish there was more backstory here.   Because in all of this it's coming across like SIL isn't responsible for her actions or her kids. 

I still completely disagree. I have never seen a kid who is just trick or treating or wearing an outfit to class completely ruin an outfit. Embroidery pulled out? Torn? A lot more than normal wearing was going on here. Insinuating that LW should have told SIL “no extreme sports, no jumping on a trampoline in the outfit” is kind of ridiculous. I was a rambunctious kid. My brother was even more high energy (to put it mildly). Somehow we never ruined a Halloween outfit like that. And I’ve never once borrowed something as a kid or as an adult that I’ve treated that poorly because that’s just disrespectful. If the outfit had come back with a stain from juice I would be more inclined to be like “well, that will happen with kids.” But the damage to the dress is pretty significant for what should have been happening to it while being borrowed. 

I've had to repair Halloween outfits before Halloween if the kids are running around in them.   A dress that's too long can easily be ripped if stepped on.  I was never that hard on Halloween costumes but my daughter is a bull in a china shop and somehow has managed to pull things apart despite my efforts to make them stop.    It's why her 1st Communion dress was worn after breakfast and before lunch only.   All white plus that kid was a recipe for disaster.

However I agree with you on the other areas.   LW is completely in the right and SIL should have communicated what was and wasn't OK to her own kids.   It's not LW's job to discipline her nieces and SIL screwed this one up big time. 

So I change my stance: it doesn't matter what LW was going to do with this after the fact and the H needs to agree with his wife to more than just his wife. 

CharmedPam

Wondering if SIL is the same person who failed to return to the green house to her neighbor because it was "cheap". 

flantastic

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

What. The. Fuck. Those clothes are SO much work to make. I’m furious for LW. The comment that the clothes were “shoddy work” was just so over the line too. And the husband sucks. I totally disagree that LW has any responsibility here. She was clear about her expectations for care. If SIL was too lazy or cheap to dry clean them (literally the least she could do with saving that much money on a kid’s costume), then that’s on her. 

Think about this in another context. You lend someone a book you love. “Hey, just an fyi, please don’t dog ear any of the pages.” The book comes back to you and is dog eared, the cover is bent, with a corner torn off. “Wow,” your friend says, “that was a shitty book.” You’d be rightly upset. 

“Sure, you can borrow this tile saw. Just please make sure it’s got enough water in it while you’re using it. And periodically check the blades.” The person gives it back after running it dry, ruining the motor and blades. “This saw really sucked. I don’t know why you got it.” You’d be pissed. 

It doesn’t matter if the LW was seemingly “done” with the clothes. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t sit the SIL down and saw “never ever ever under any circumstance wash these in the laundry. They absolutely-tutely must be dry cleaned. Dry. Clean. Only.” She asked for them to be treated gently and dry cleaned. Those are reasonable requests. Husband and SIL suck. 

I think those two statements are somewhat incongruous here though.   That's my main issue with the entire thing.    I'm thinking that the niece just did what she thought she could do in any other Halloween costume.

My guess is that SIL never gave the LW's expecations to her children and did not bother to pay attention to anything that LW said.

I always wish there was more backstory here.   Because in all of this it's coming across like SIL isn't responsible for her actions or her kids. 

I still completely disagree. I have never seen a kid who is just trick or treating or wearing an outfit to class completely ruin an outfit. Embroidery pulled out? Torn? A lot more than normal wearing was going on here. Insinuating that LW should have told SIL “no extreme sports, no jumping on a trampoline in the outfit” is kind of ridiculous. I was a rambunctious kid. My brother was even more high energy (to put it mildly). Somehow we never ruined a Halloween outfit like that. And I’ve never once borrowed something as a kid or as an adult that I’ve treated that poorly because that’s just disrespectful. If the outfit had come back with a stain from juice I would be more inclined to be like “well, that will happen with kids.” But the damage to the dress is pretty significant for what should have been happening to it while being borrowed. 

I've had to repair Halloween outfits before Halloween if the kids are running around in them.   A dress that's too long can easily be ripped if stepped on.  I was never that hard on Halloween costumes but my daughter is a bull in a china shop and somehow has managed to pull things apart despite my efforts to make them stop.    It's why her 1st Communion dress was worn after breakfast and before lunch only.   All white plus that kid was a recipe for disaster.

However I agree with you on the other areas.   LW is completely in the right and SIL should have communicated what was and wasn't OK to her own kids.   It's not LW's job to discipline her nieces and SIL screwed this one up big time. 

So I change my stance: it doesn't matter what LW was going to do with this after the fact and the H needs to agree with his wife to more than just his wife. 

My guess is the embroidery issue was mostly related to usage and the fabric damage was related to washing. There are some you just can't wash.

If I ruined a borrowed costume because I thought the provided cleaning instructions were no big deal, though, I'd be horrified. And obviously I would get why that person would not want me borrowing their stuff in future. SIL is yet another entitled family member, and the H needs to shut it down.

Ro041

How is she ruining Halloween though?  Even assuming this happened today, SIL has a week to order/purchase replacement costumes.  They just won't be free.  *shrug*

banana468

flantastic said:

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

What. The. Fuck. Those clothes are SO much work to make. I’m furious for LW. The comment that the clothes were “shoddy work” was just so over the line too. And the husband sucks. I totally disagree that LW has any responsibility here. She was clear about her expectations for care. If SIL was too lazy or cheap to dry clean them (literally the least she could do with saving that much money on a kid’s costume), then that’s on her. 

Think about this in another context. You lend someone a book you love. “Hey, just an fyi, please don’t dog ear any of the pages.” The book comes back to you and is dog eared, the cover is bent, with a corner torn off. “Wow,” your friend says, “that was a shitty book.” You’d be rightly upset. 

“Sure, you can borrow this tile saw. Just please make sure it’s got enough water in it while you’re using it. And periodically check the blades.” The person gives it back after running it dry, ruining the motor and blades. “This saw really sucked. I don’t know why you got it.” You’d be pissed. 

It doesn’t matter if the LW was seemingly “done” with the clothes. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t sit the SIL down and saw “never ever ever under any circumstance wash these in the laundry. They absolutely-tutely must be dry cleaned. Dry. Clean. Only.” She asked for them to be treated gently and dry cleaned. Those are reasonable requests. Husband and SIL suck. 

I think those two statements are somewhat incongruous here though.   That's my main issue with the entire thing.    I'm thinking that the niece just did what she thought she could do in any other Halloween costume.

My guess is that SIL never gave the LW's expecations to her children and did not bother to pay attention to anything that LW said.

I always wish there was more backstory here.   Because in all of this it's coming across like SIL isn't responsible for her actions or her kids. 

I still completely disagree. I have never seen a kid who is just trick or treating or wearing an outfit to class completely ruin an outfit. Embroidery pulled out? Torn? A lot more than normal wearing was going on here. Insinuating that LW should have told SIL “no extreme sports, no jumping on a trampoline in the outfit” is kind of ridiculous. I was a rambunctious kid. My brother was even more high energy (to put it mildly). Somehow we never ruined a Halloween outfit like that. And I’ve never once borrowed something as a kid or as an adult that I’ve treated that poorly because that’s just disrespectful. If the outfit had come back with a stain from juice I would be more inclined to be like “well, that will happen with kids.” But the damage to the dress is pretty significant for what should have been happening to it while being borrowed. 

I've had to repair Halloween outfits before Halloween if the kids are running around in them.   A dress that's too long can easily be ripped if stepped on.  I was never that hard on Halloween costumes but my daughter is a bull in a china shop and somehow has managed to pull things apart despite my efforts to make them stop.    It's why her 1st Communion dress was worn after breakfast and before lunch only.   All white plus that kid was a recipe for disaster.

However I agree with you on the other areas.   LW is completely in the right and SIL should have communicated what was and wasn't OK to her own kids.   It's not LW's job to discipline her nieces and SIL screwed this one up big time. 

So I change my stance: it doesn't matter what LW was going to do with this after the fact and the H needs to agree with his wife to more than just his wife. 

My guess is the embroidery issue was mostly related to usage and the fabric damage was related to washing. There are some you just can't wash.

If I ruined a borrowed costume because I thought the provided cleaning instructions were no big deal, though, I'd be horrified. And obviously I would get why that person would not want me borrowing their stuff in future. SIL is yet another entitled family member, and the H needs to shut it down.

Good point.   This could all be because it was thrown in a wash with other play clothes and had nothing to do with play.

And it's laughable that the OP is ruining Halloween.    Amazon Prime can solve the problem by Saturday.

flantastic

Ro041 said:

How is she ruining Halloween though?  Even assuming this happened today, SIL has a week to order/purchase replacement costumes.  They just won't be free.  *shrug*

Same exact way LW with the doll collection is ruining the holidays. Her sister and niece can still come to Christmas, their lodging just won't be free.

Ro041

I hate it when dolls or an uncomfortable mattress ruin the holidays....

mrsconn23

Ro041 said:

I hate it when dolls or an uncomfortable mattress ruin the holidays....

HA!  Yes.  

God, I have the worst family that causes all these problems.   

missJeanLouise

So I glossed over the part where LW specifically asks for the costume to be dry cleaned, I just read the “returned clean” part. That alters my previous response.
SIL should have followed the instructions given to her. Full stop. I would be so embarrassed if I damaged such an elaborate, handmade, item. There would be no way I would ever expect to be able to borrow anything again.

kerbohl

As someone who also attends medieval faires and makes my own outfits (and has loaned them out to people before), SIL's attitude sucks. It takes FOREVER to hand-sew these outfits, and then add on that hand-made embroidery? I don't have the time to do embroidery on my dresses, but I know someone who does and it is a time commitment to say the least!

When I've loaned mine out, it is usually for a day and I don't expect it to be returned clean because I will wash it.  But I can get away with handwashing, so if it is something that requires dry cleaning, I can see letting the person know in advance so they can anticipate that the cost is associated with getting to borrow the outfit.

I flat-out wouldn't be loaning anything to SIL again when it comes to these outfits. And if she has an issue, I'd be telling her that I can't get the hours back that I spent on the dress she ruined, so I'm not risking that in the future.

And to call it shoddy work - so rude! If that's her way to thank someone for letting her borrow an awesome costume, or to apologize for ruining it, she needs to work on her people skills.

MesmrEwe

LW's H - there aren't words...  Yea SNS that SIL is NEVER getting even an old worn out brownie pan lent to them...  As for the dry cleaning being left out of the earlier part, even if it wasn't drycleaned a delicate cycle without anything else would still not produce ripped out embroidery..  There was bra clips and velcro to do that in the washer after the kid ran it through the hay maze and bale of hay candy hunt.  The rule of life "Never lend anything to anyone you never want to get back!"...