Military Brides

You'll get a kick out of this. Civilian spouses don't understand.

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Re: You'll get a kick out of this. Civilian spouses don't understand.

  • edited December 2011
     I dont think that anyone should judge what people chose to do for the wedding.. I do see where all you all are coming from.... there is a lot of emotion which is completely normal since most of us have FIs that are deployed/gone.  I won't see my FI frm now till August  because of trainings and then it's another deoployment about a month after that...  I can't wait to get married and if that means sacrificing s ome then I will.   After all the most important part of the marriage is the commitment and love you have for the other person....  anyway you choose to get married  is special.    
  • edited December 2011

    I am now a civilian, but have been both a military wife and active duty myself. There may be several reasons to have to pospone the "big day" and have a "quickie ceremony". My husband and I were married by a judge in chambers almost 20 years ago. I had always dreamed of having the whole dog and pony show, and on our 20th I am going to have it. It should not matter what it's called or how long it has been. It is a celebration of love and family and friends. Give gifts if you want, don't if you don't, but at least give your love and acceptance and help the happy couple make ALL their dreams come true!!!!

  • nymiuranymiura
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011

    LMAO...you ppl are hillarios! when your in the military there are so many things to consider... and if you JOP is your wedding day then i guess my wedding day is going to suck because we are being married by double proxy and then next year we will have a wedding! my FI and i have been separated for a year and a half he is 15,000 miles away in japan while im stationd here in delaware... when marrying military it's so hard because there is always that fact that you will be apart for who knows how long...if you wanted to have a JOP wedding just to make sure you are not split up then fine...you should still be able to have the glitz and glamore  that every little girl dreams of....IT'S STILL A WEDDING!!! AND FOR YOUR INORMATION A WEDDING IS THE JOINING OF 2PPL B4 FAMILY AND FRIENDS! YOU HAVE TO APPLY FOR A MARRIAGE LICENSE B4 THE ACTUALL CEREMONY SO YOU ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED B4 YOUR WEDDING DAY!!

  • nymiuranymiura
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    member
    edited December 2011

    you should be offened because no1 has the right to say that u dont deserve the wedding of your dreams because u had a jop wedding!! I kno that being away from my FI for a year n a half has been killing me and OUR SON gets to talk to him 1x a day...go head and do your thing girl... i understand and i support you! i would rather go thru with this double proxy marriage have my duty station changed so i can be with him and have a wedding ceremony in 2011 than wait another 2yrs ...I HOPE YPUR DAY IS ALL THAT YOU WANT IT O BE BECAUSE WE ALL DESERVE IT!

  • squirrlysquirrly
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: You'll get a kick out of this. Civilian spouses don't understand.:
    LMAO...you ppl are hillarios! when your in the military there are so many things to consider... and if you JOP is your wedding day then i guess my wedding day is going to suck because we are being married by double proxy and then next year we will have a wedding! my FI and i have been separated for a year and a half he is 15,000 miles away in japan while im stationd here in delaware... when marrying military it's so hard because there is always that fact that you will be apart for who knows how long...if you wanted to have a JOP wedding just to make sure you are not split up then fine...you should still be able to have the glitz and glamore  that every little girl dreams of....IT'S STILL A WEDDING!!! AND FOR YOUR INORMATION A WEDDING IS THE JOINING OF 2PPL B4 FAMILY AND FRIENDS! YOU HAVE TO APPLY FOR A MARRIAGE LICENSE B4 THE ACTUALL CEREMONY SO YOU ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED B4 YOUR WEDDING DAY!!
    Posted by nymiura
    Actually, no.  The marriage license gives you permission by the state to GET married.  Once the wedding has been performed, you, your H, your officiant, and your witnesses sign the license saying you met the obligations of the state to constitute a wedding, and that's sent back to the state.  They issue a Marriage Certificate which then states that you are married.  So, you actually get married when you say your vows.

    As for JOP vs waiting - get married when you want for whatever reasons best suit you.  But - always tell your family and friends the truth about your marital status, and don't be surprised if some are offended that you JOP'd it.  Some may not attend your big white wedding, as well. 
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  • RaiKaiRaiKai
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: You'll get a kick out of this. Civilian spouses don't understand.:
    LMAO...you ppl are hillarios! when your in the military there are so many things to consider... and if you JOP is your wedding day then i guess my wedding day is going to suck because we are being married by double proxy and then next year we will have a wedding! my FI and i have been separated for a year and a half he is 15,000 miles away in japan while im stationd here in delaware... when marrying military it's so hard because there is always that fact that you will be apart for who knows how long...if you wanted to have a JOP wedding just to make sure you are not split up then fine...you should still be able to have the glitz and glamore  that every little girl dreams of....IT'S STILL A WEDDING!!! AND FOR YOUR INORMATION A WEDDING IS THE JOINING OF 2PPL B4 FAMILY AND FRIENDS! YOU HAVE TO APPLY FOR A MARRIAGE LICENSE B4 THE ACTUALL CEREMONY SO YOU ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED B4 YOUR WEDDING DAY!!
    Posted by nymiura
    Like squirrly said, no you are NOT married before your wedding day. A marriage license is NOT the same as a marriage certificate. The marriage license is basically the application for your marriage certificate. You need to be "declared" married, by the officiant, which also needs to be witnessed by your witnesses.

    If you are already married, whatever party you have later is NOT a wedding. It is a party or a vow renewal. Whatever it is, be honest about it.

    And for the record, I have plenty of experience as both a former military member, and the partner of a military (now retired) member (and one who has done several tours over his military career). I still don't believe in lying to family and friends simply as you chose to put off the pretty princess day for later.

    Guess what, if you decide to have a relationship with someone in the military (or be in the military yourself) along with that comes issues such as this. Don't whine and complain, or make yourself out to be a victim, about how "hard you have it" and how "civilian spouses don't understand". You have ALWAYS had a choice to be in the relationship or not. Even civilian spouses often have to make certain "sacrifices" due to careers or circumstances, so stop with the martyrdom.

    No problem with going to the JOP and getting married now, but don't call the "pretty princess day" that follows your wedding. It's not. You are already married, however "sucky" you may have felt it was.




  • edited December 2011
    We are doing a smaller wedding so we can get married sooner rather than later but we are not doing a JOP thing.
  • CARLY78CARLY78
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    My fiance is abruptly being deployed to Afghanistan. We were supposed to be married in the same time frame as his deployment. What we are doing is having either a JOP or an intimate wedding in the church I grew up in- we have no time to even put together a real wedding due to his predeployment schedule changing constantly. He will be back from Afghan, outprocessed by the MC, and be done with the military September 30th 2010. So, we are going to renew our vows in October. I didn't feel comfortable lying to people about being married, it isn't a good way to start a marriage. However, this way we can have our cake and eat it too :) I just really want people to have a good time, eat good food and drinks, and to celebrate with us as we start our lives together. It's the same when people have destination weddings and have a reception at their hometown. I can care less about a registry or shower- I just want to be married to the man I love. So with my situation I can see why some girls would want to get married before a deployment.
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  • edited December 2011
    I am a little surprised by the responses on here.

    What if not being married meant you cannot be with your future spouse?  You had to live away from them for a year or two years while they are in another country? Would you still be opposed to marrying civily?

    So my biggest question to the naysayers is this.....you make it seem as though being married civily meant having a shower or a big reception or having tons of family and friends around.  In fact, a civil ceremony is not at all exciting.  You are sharing a "special" moment wiht a bunch of strangers who basically take a number and have a seat until you are called.  The "ceremony" takes all of a minute.  It is like sitting at the DMV.

    So I will now tell you that I was married civily.  I did it because I support my husband and I wanted to be with him.  So giving up my apartment, friends, family, job, supports, everything I have known was a choice I made to be with and support the person I LOVE AND WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH while living in another country.

    I just don't understand why this is an issue?  It is not like you were invited to sit through 2 full fledge weddings, you didn't give two gifts, you didn't attend 2 showers, you didn't do anything twice. 

    What if you never knew that the couple married civily?  You would be sitting at their wedding without ever knowing the difference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: You'll get a kick out of this. Civilian spouses don't understand.:
    I am a little surprised by the responses on here. What if not being married meant you cannot be with your future spouse?  You had to live away from them for a year or two years while they are in another country? Would you still be opposed to marrying civily? So my biggest question to the naysayers is this.....you make it seem as though being married civily meant having a shower or a big reception or having tons of family and friends around.  In fact, a civil ceremony is not at all exciting.  You are sharing a "special" moment wiht a bunch of strangers who basically take a number and have a seat until you are called.  The "ceremony" takes all of a minute.  It is like sitting at the DMV. So I will now tell you that I was married civily.  I did it because I support my husband and I wanted to be with him.  So giving up my apartment, friends, family, job, supports, everything I have known was a choice I made to be with and support the person I LOVE AND WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH while living in another country. I just don't understand why this is an issue?  It is not like you were invited to sit through 2 full fledge weddings, you didn't give two gifts, you didn't attend 2 showers, you didn't do anything twice.  What if you never knew that the couple married civily?  You would be sitting at their wedding without ever knowing the difference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Posted by B-anne
    That's called lying, and I'm not down for that. I JOP'd too, I simply get annoyed at all the ridiculousness. No, you don't HAVE to do it. I don't care if you're living apart or whatever, you make the choice to JOP, and other people have the choice to disapprove.

    I've been divorced for 4 years, and have been LD with my SO for a year. I wouldn't marry someone for any of the reasons given for JOP here. But that's me. People can do what they want and other people can judge them as they want.
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  • squirrlysquirrly
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: You'll get a kick out of this. Civilian spouses don't understand.:
    I am a little surprised by the responses on here. What if not being married meant you cannot be with your future spouse?  You had to live away from them for a year or two years while they are in another country? Would you still be opposed to marrying civily? Posted by B-anne
    You can have whatever kind of wedding you want, and I don't care.  But - you only get married once.  Anything after that is either a vow renewal or requires a divorce first. 

    So my biggest question to the naysayers is this.....you make it seem as though being married civily meant having a shower or a big reception or having tons of family and friends around.  In fact, a civil ceremony is not at all exciting.  You are sharing a "special" moment wiht a bunch of strangers who basically take a number and have a seat until you are called.  The "ceremony" takes all of a minute.  It is like sitting at the DMV. Posted by B-anne
    Not all of them.  A civil ceremony is just not a church ceremony.  We're getting married at a golf course, by a friend who is getting ordained online in order to marry us.  Not a religious thing about it, but definitely not like the DMV.

    So I will now tell you that I was married civily.  I did it because I support my husband and I wanted to be with him.  So giving up my apartment, friends, family, job, supports, everything I have known was a choice I made to be with and support the person I LOVE AND WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH while living in another country. I just don't understand why this is an issue?  It is not like you were invited to sit through 2 full fledge weddings, you didn't give two gifts, you didn't attend 2 showers, you didn't do anything twice.  Posted by B-anne
    Did you tell people you were married before your vow renewal (which I assume you called a wedding)?  If not, then you LIED.  And, I don't care to associate with liars.  Really.  If you'd told me you went to the courthouse for military paperwork purposes, I'd question why you couldn't just plan a real wedding, but I wouldn't be mad at you.  Just think you were a crappy planner.  If you didn't tell me, then you lied and I have no interest in being friends.

    What if you never knew that the couple married civily?  You would be sitting at their wedding without ever knowing the difference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Posted by B-anne
    Again, then they would have lied to me and disrespected me.  Just tell the truth.  It's easier. 

    Best option is still to plan just one wedding.  If that CAN NOT be accomplished (such as the emergency deployment to Afghanistan mentioned above), then JOP, tell the truth, and do what you want about the big party later.
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  • akahleybakahleyb
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011
    My husband and i just got married so that we can live together and be happy before he deploys.   We have been together for years and it wasn't my ideal wedding, but being with him is more important than a wedding. We didn't plan on having a big wedding, but our families want us to.... so in 6 months we have decided to have a reception for the families to attend so they can feel apart of something since we are on the other side of the country.   I understand everyone has different opinions but i think people are being extremely judgmental of people in this chat.  It surprises me people can be so ignorant and judgmental of one another when we are all in military relationships and know how hard they can be.   If a couple wants to get married early and they love each other that should be all that matters.... if they decide to pay the costs to have a wedding reception after the fact thats their choice.    Weddings aren't cheap and i think that the person who sits there and is offended that they may have to go spend what 25 bucks on the bride and groom is ridiculous ..... they are spending thousands of dollars for an event to have a good time with their friends and family.   Its not about the gifts and the person should just be gracious and respectful that they were invited to something that probably cost the bride and groom at least 50 bucks for that person to attend. 
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with you 100% my hubby and i did a small cerimony before he left for deployment and are doing a small wedding in october, its not tacky, we deserve it just as much if not more because our marriages are harder then that of civilan ones :) i'm with you girl :)
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: You'll get a kick out of this. Civilian spouses don't understand.:
    I agree with you 100% my hubby and i did a small cerimony before he left for deployment and are doing a small wedding in october, its not tacky, we deserve it just as much if not more because our marriages are harder then that of civilan ones :) i'm with you girl :)
    Posted by whitshell810
    Do you consider those who have one spouse who goes overseas and into combat zones as a contractor to be in civilian marriages?  What about police officers?  What about fire fighters?  What about FBI/CIA, etc.?

    I get the difficulties that come with being in a relationship with a military member.  I did it for 6-ish years (and through 3 deployments) without getting married.  However, to claim that your marriage is harder because of a choice you made is very narrow minded.  My husband travels for work regularly.  He often has to work 16 hour days.  Is my marriage harder than someone who has a spouse that works less?  Nope.  It may be different but it isn't harder.

    We all make choices in life, and we have to live with those choices.  If you make the choice to go to the JOP or have a quick small ceremony for whatever reason, you have to live with that choice.  No one is saying you cannot celebrate with your loved ones.  People are just saying to call it what it is, a vow renewel.   
  • edited December 2011
    I just wonder who these angry, offended families are? I have a huge family with very little military background but they have all been super suportive of all our choices. We are considering a JOP/Legal wedding then a Religious ceremony later. And I know that no matter what we end up doing that both of our familes are going to be there for us. It's hard for me to imagin that that many people are really getting that upset about desisions that have very little to do with them.
  • squirrlysquirrly
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    edited December 2011
    It's not about the JOP'ing.  It's about the LYING.  I don't know anybody who wouldn't be mad if they found out their loved ones were married and lying about being single.  Just tell the truth. 
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  • edited December 2011
    It shouldnt matter if you live together already, you don't have to count it as your wedding. If you want to sign the marriage license, and then have the actual wedding at a later date then why not? Shouldn't we get to go through all the motions of being a bride? We should still get to have the shower, the parties, etc. Some people are just too judgemental. I don't consider going to the court house and signing a piece of paper my wedding and neither should anyone else. My family and friends are understanding of our situation and are very supportive. We don't have the luxury of civilian brides who have their family and friends around them. Our men get deployed, and serve our country. We make sacrafices constantly. We move when we're told to move, we say goodbye when we unfortunatly have to say goodbye. We need to do what's best for us. And if it is for financial reasons, then who the hell cares. Why shouldn't we get health insurance and a higher BAH. SO, do what you have to do...sign the marriage license, and have your wedding at a later date. No need to call it a vow renewal. It's your first actual wedding!
  • Ugh!  I have been seeing multiple posts to boards all over the internet with the same ideas! This makes me very sad! It must be easy to think a military bride is being selfish by wanting a wedding, after being married by JOP, but don't they make enough sacrafices day to day? Do these "haters" think any newly engaged bride DREAMS of going to the JOP and then having her wedding later in order to be flexible for her finace and his unit?  Do they think that spening a year alone away from their brand new hubby is easy to do? How about the fact that without being married by law, those woman waiting at home have no rights to any info about their deployed men. I think everyone is entitled to have a wedding they feel is their "special day". It's easy to "support the troops", but if you don't support their girlfriends, fiances and wives, you may as well not support them at all.
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