Week 4 and already losing it

TylerR

Hi ladies,

My FI has been in the Navy Basic Training for four weeks now, so he is halfway done (Thank goodness!) It's been really hard on me since he has not been able to write to me until yesterday. I don't know what I'm going to do when he is actually shipped away at seas! Do you guys have any ideas to help keep me occupied, and stop me from breaking down every other day?

Your advice is greatly appreciated!

firsttimersluck

Congratulations on him being in Basic!
Some people like beach will be more knowledgeable on the shipping out aspect. My H is Navy, but he's in aviation so when he deploys, he's not on a boat and we get to talk pretty much every single day via email or skype. WAY easier than no-contact basic training.

As far as ideas go, are you in college? job? have a gym membership? When H leaves I get so much stuff done! I get way caught up on my studies, I hit the gym way more, I practice new recipes to make him when he gets back, I deep clean the house, I catch up with my girl friends, etc.
What kinds of things would you do if you were single and not looking for a rela? Do those things. :P If you're really hurting from missing him, start setting goals for yourself... Join Pintrest and start some DIY projects, etc.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_week-4-already-losing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b26f1b57-506e-44d1-aaeb-3400b434022bPost:9d38919c-be43-4edc-a2b4-b3fc509973e9">Week 4 and already losing it</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi ladies, My FI has been in the Navy Basic Training for four weeks now, so he is halfway done (Thank goodness!) It's been really hard on me since he has not been able to write to me until yesterday. I don't know what I'm going to do when he is actually shipped away at seas! Do you guys have any ideas to help keep me occupied, and stop me from breaking down every other day? Your advice is greatly appreciated! <3
Posted by TylerR[/QUOTE]

<div>Keep yourself busy.  Take up a new hobby, take some classes, cook, etc.  Most posters can give you plenty of ideas.  The more you think about him being gone, the harder it is.  </div><div>
</div><div>This part is probably going to seem harsh, but I think you need to hear it.  You're saying your FI, so I'm assuming you're already engaged.  I highly recommend waiting until after you go through a deployment before getting married to see how you handle it and feel about this lifestyle.  While many times sailors will have frequent access to email and phones, certain rates and certain dutty stations can make it so they go months without being able to contact anyone.  Also, I'm guessing you're probably still living where you have grown up, or somewhere with friends and family, since you wouldn't be moving to boot camp with him.  When he gets assigned to a duty station you will be displaced from most family and friends, so it can be more diffiuclt still. </div><div>
</div><div>If 4 weeks at boot camp in Chicago are this tough on you, deployments might be unbearable.  I'm really not trying to be rude, but there is a reason there is such a high divorce rate in the military.  It's nothing against anyone, because it is a tough lifestyle that can challenge even the toughest people and strongest relationships.  It's just something to think about and consider before getting married.  </div>

kara811

Ditto everything that Beach said and I'd like to add more to it. I'm not trying to scare you here OP but if you are already breaking down every day from him being in boot camp, what will you do if he goes on deployment for 6-9 months at a time? You'll never see him, you'll get emaills either everyday or a few times a week depending on his job/access to a computer, some sailors call once a week and some don't call for weeks or once/twice a month. Or in my case, are you prepared for your FI to be stationed overseas where you can't be with him? He will be there for at least 3 years if it's his first duty station, and rushing into a marriage for that is not a good idea either. 

Sorry if all that sounded harsh, but you need to face reality, this lifestyle can be difficult to adapt to, the military can throw anything at you and your whole life can change quickly. As far as keeping yourself busy, these ladies have given great ideas. Find something that you can put a lot of your time into, classes, a job, hobbies or go volunteer even. Surround yourself with friends and family that way you don't always feel alone and try not to think about him as much. If you are already planning a wedding, then that's a great distraction but like Beach said, I would wait through at least 1 deployment before getting married. Deployments can be tough on a lot of relationships, for many couples, it's a "make or break" for them. 

Hope we didn't scare you and Welcome to the board!

ggirl2001

Ditto the other ladies. Also what did you do before he left? You don't need him to do things you still enjoy. My h and I were long distance for 2 1/2 years. There were times we didn't talk at all. I still had my own life. It is very very important to make sure you still have your own identity outside your fi (general you to anyone lurking). Deployments and such are tough but I always kept myself busy just by keeping up with my own life and my own goals, which I have if h is with me or not.

amh04

ditto everything the other ladies said.
My only concern is that your losing who YOU are. Distance sucks and limited communication sucks even more but it isn't unbearable. You really should take the time to get things done and focus in you while he is away, that doesn't mean forget him or go partying 24/7 but do things you like. Set goals for yourself, find new hobbies. Like FTL said, I always got so much accomplished when FI was deployed (we are aviation but his rank gets sent to the ship). I really hope your both planning on waiting until after a deployment because it sounds like it would be a good building block for your relationship. Its important to be prepared for months of long distance periods, for deployments/underways and schooling not to mention if he is stationed overseas.
I can't relate to basic because we meet after FI was in, but communication can very similar - an email maybe once a week or every couple of days, and it can be months for a good solid phone call.
welcome to the board and I hope it gets easier for you.

crownsuperstar

I can't relate to basic training since H did that like forever ago and before I even knew him.  With that being said, he is deployed right now and while it sucks I am staying busy and just getting myself through it.  

I am not close to the post where he is stationed and that is because we knew this deployment was coming.  We talked and thought the best solution for us was for me to stay put since I have a job and all of my support is where I am at.    

I do allow myself a pitty party if needed but only for the length of a Lifetime movie.  I have a wonderful group of friends that are keeping me busy.  Along with friends, I am finishing my masters, taking all kinds of classes at the gym, catching up on trash tv and exploring/planning trip ideas for when H gets home. 

We do plan weekly Skype dates however, those can/and do get moved based on whatever is going on at the time. 

Welcome to the board!

AmandaSC1988

Seeing as boot was a very hardexperience for me, I understand where you are coming from. My best friend was studying abroad and my boyfriend (FI) had just left for boot camp, I had literally NO ONE to turn to during that time. Even though it was only 10 weeks, it felt like each day would drag on.

 I believe boot camp is harder than anything else we have had to go through so far... mainly the lack of communication. 1 letter once a week is hard to wrap your head around, espcially once they would rather be sleeping during their "letter writting time" so the letters are very short.  But I made sure he had plenty of letters waiting for him at every mail call (In bright pink envelopes...ehh don't do that unless your FI says it is alright.. FI got made fun of a little for the bright pink envelops but he loved the attention.) I also, kept myself busy with work. I wish I could say I did a lot of things to "better myself" but working 40 hours a week didn't leave a lot of time.  

 I wouldn't go as far as to say it will get worse and if you can't handle it now...because it honestly for me it got so much easier.  Skype, email, phone calls all make the distance seem shorter. BTW, Facetime.. pretty awesome. We are gearing up for a deployment, but I am not worried. Once a day e-mail is so much better than once a week letters. 

Good luck! Have you started planning your wedding at all?

TylerR

Thanks for the advice, guys. I really appreciate it. I am still in college, so that has been keeping me busy, and my BFF from home has been doing her best to replace the conversations that I used to have with FI every day. I might have been exaggerating when i said it was every other day that I break down. Its more like i've had 2 since he left. We've been together for 4 years though and we have been preparing ourselves for his basic training. We have been long distance while I have been at school, but this is just the first time that I have not been able to hear from him. I did get one call last week, but I was in class and all i got was a voicemail from a very sad FI.

FI wants to get married before his first deployment, but I don't know if that is the best Idea. He is in the Nuclear field, so he still has to be at school in South Carolina for 2 years. I will still be finishing up school. With trying to plan a wedding around an unknown deployment date, I think that would cause so much stress! We are not getting married until after I graduate from school, so that is still a few years away. We haven't started any planning yet since it is still a few years off. We aren't dumb, and we know that relationships can change between that long of a time, but we have a very strong foundation in our relationship.

I'm sure things will get better once he is out of basic. I was used to not seeing him for weeks at a time, but all I want is a little bit of communication

I think I definitely just need some much needed ME time, like you said Amh. I've been stressing a lot all quarter about school and just LIFE that i think that adds to it since I don't have FI here to talk to.

I thank you guys for the advice. It really helps to hear from people who have actually been through it. My friends are supportive, but they don't really understand what it's like.

ggirl2001

Amanda i can't quote because of my phone but just the part about emails/letters. Depending where he is deployed emails/any communication can have even longer lapses, or even his schedule can mess things up. For example, my h is leaving for a det next month and it's in the US but apparently he won't have any Internet access and cellphone access is limited. I don't expect to hear from him often. I just mildly disagree with the idea that it gets easier after bootcamp, because it might not. I went through bootcamp, long distance, and a deployment. We were lucky because he wasnt in a combat zone but communication still can be iffy.

ggirl2001

Op where in SC? That's where I am now.

TylerR

Charleston.

crownsuperstar

I am a SC girl.   I will say that Charleston is my fave place in the state.  I just love it there and trying to talk H into moving there when he retires when ever that will be.  There are so many fun things to do and see in Charleston!

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_week-4-already-losing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b26f1b57-506e-44d1-aaeb-3400b434022bPost:e24a5f47-a4ea-41fa-81ad-1f7d45623e04">Re: Week 4 and already losing it</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a SC girl.   I will say that Charleston is my fave place in the state.  I just love it there and trying to talk H into moving there when he retires when ever that will be.  There are so many fun things to do and see in Charleston!
Posted by crownsuperstar[/QUOTE]

Like!

calindi

If he's in the Navy with Nukes, that means he'll likely be on a submarine, yes?  In which case, the deployments are quite different.  They tend to be very sudden, they're not able to give out much information if any (like, he might go to work one day and then just not come home that night).  And you won't know how long until he's home.  On the plus side, it tends to not be more than a few months at a time, usually weeks rather than months (I have a good friend/former babysitter who was on Navy subs as a nuke expert/mechanical engineer).

You won't be able to talk at all while he's underway, and it's likely that he'll be back before he'd get a chance to write letters.  If I'm correct, I believe emails are starting to work on the subs (which my friend didn't have when he was in - he got out about 3 years ago), so that's good. 

Definitely definitely definitely wait until he deploys at least once.  You can move to be near him if you want, which would be a great experience anyway just out of college.  South Carolina's a great state with a lot of opportunity, so at the least you guys could see each other most weekends even if you live an hour or so away from where he's stationed.  Most especially coming out of college, it's important to get your own feet underneath you before you get married.  I know you guys have been together a long time, so it isn't that, it's just simply adjusting to the military lifestyle can be tough and it's best to make sure you're doing what's right for you.  If you want to wait, please listen to your gut and wait.  You won't regret waiting, but you might regret rushing into it too quickly.

kara811

Hi again OP. I think if there's anyone here who will know most of what you'll be going through, that person would probably be me. My H is also a Nuke just as what your FI is training to be right now! We've been through all what he'll go through, so have my sister, BIL and many of our buddies in the Navy as well. Do you know whtat his rate is? MM, ET, EM, ELT? 

After his training in Charleston, your FI will either go to NY for Protoype or stay in Charleston for that time. Then after Prototype will he only know where he'll go from there, either he stays as a shore duty type thing(which doesn't happen to everyone), or he goes on a carrier or sub. He won't always get his first choice of duty stations either because there are only a few places Nukes can go to. H has never really had a choice in where to go to. Japan was his last choice and that's where he was sent to and now we are in VA because only 2 of the carriers here needed his rating at the time we got his orders. You don't get a whole lot of choices. 

If you have any questions, feel free to ask! 

ETA: Spelling

firsttimersluck

What are you in school for? I'm finishing up my degree too!
We actually picked the wedding date for a few reasons, and one being that I would be graduated! But that didn't happen (thanks budget cuts... making class sizes smaller, cancelling classes, etc ugh!). But we did go through one deployment.
I highly recommend going through a deployment first as well, however I know plenty of wives that went through their first deployment last year. 
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I know it gets tough. H is my best friend and I could love everyone in my life but him and still be content. But when it comes to him coming and going, I just accept that that's part of the territory and he's worth it. :P Since you have done the long distance thing successfully before, I think it will be easier for you to adjust to the life style of the military (moreso than others that haven't). This is a culture shock for you because of the minimal communication. You'll get through it.. and the feeling when you see him for the first time after all this will make you so happy that the next time will be a little easier, knowing the feeling of the outcome. :P 

ETA: Calindi makes a good point about sub guys. There is no communication when they go down, unfortunately. Kara is good for nuke talk. As is google. Just keep yourself as educated as possible.. While it may not make you feel super warm and fuzzy, it'll help you understand and accept the circumstances more.
 

Beachy730

Nukes are often on carriers as well (nuclear powered carriers definitely need nukes!).  Either way the amount and type of communication can always change.  Obviously the higher ranking that you are the more access you have to email, since you usually have your own office and desk with a computer.  But lower ranking sailors often have to share a computer with many other sailors and have limited access.  During deployments there are also times where tehy will go in river city and there is no email or internet for days at a time.  I'm lucky that H has a computer and we can email multiple times a day when he is gone, but I have a friend whose husband works on the flight deck and shares a computer, and she only hears from him like every 2 weeks.  

Not trying to scare you, just pointing out that deployments and communication is not the same for everyone.

As Kara said it is very hard for Nukes to get orders to carriers in the US.  My H is not nuke, but my good friend's H is, and they got super lucky to get last minute orders here, since they were told they were getting needs of the Navy orders to Japan.  Almost all fo the nukes leaving the ship now are getting orders to Japan as well.  But things can always change, so within another year or so it could be totally different.

That's good that you're in school and have people keeping you busy.  It is hard when people IRL don't understand what you're going through, but at times it can be a blessing.  During H's last deployment people would constantly call and ask me how I was doing and why didn't I just move home.  A lot of people had a hard time understanding that i was perfectly fine dealing with the deployment, and it was almost more annoying talking to people who assumed i was crying myself to sleep every night.  It does help to have people to talk to and lean on though.  There are always people on this board to talk to and help you through things as well.

TylerR

He doesn't k ow exactly what he will be doing yet unto after he finishes a school, at least that is that last thing I've heard from him and that was before he left. He obviously won't k ow where he is stationed until he graduated in about 2 years of nuke school but he says he will most likely be on a carrier because you only get put on a sub if you volunteer for it, and he doesn't plan on it. I am majoring in liberal studies (education) so I'm actually really open to teaching on base so that I can be as close as possible. I have a friend who lived in Belgium and Japan and went to school on the bases there. And yes, I just keep telling myself that it will be SO worth it when I get to see him in December! (Although I had a dream that he was only allowed to handshake in uniform, so that was interesting, haha. ) I definitely still need to do some of my own research on the topic. That will help I'm sure! A gal at my work said her brother got pneumonia from the cold of great lakes when he was in basic...I really hope that doesn't happen! I think once I get 1letter or phone call from him it will be much much better. I've been writing him every day about my life which helps as well. Thanks for all your info!

firsttimersluck

awesome! Working for the military as a civilian is a good gig. My mom runs Child and Youth Services down in Monterey, CA (She used to run the one on Naval Station Everett, btw beach hah), and I grew up for most of my life on an Army post in Germany. The teachers that are stationed overseas make GOOD money, but it's a hard job to get.. It usually requires a ton of networking, since it's a good gig :P

Well you guys have time... How much more of school do you have? 2 years of long distance.. ick.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_week-4-already-losing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b26f1b57-506e-44d1-aaeb-3400b434022bPost:0ed99f85-b962-43b4-8b98-82cc3a9e786d">Re: Week 4 and already losing it</a>:
[QUOTE]awesome! Working for the military as a civilian is a good gig. My mom runs Child and Youth Services down in Monterey, CA (She used to run the one on Naval Station Everett, btw beach hah), and I grew up for most of my life on an Army post in Germany. The teachers that are stationed overseas make GOOD money, but it's a hard job to get.. It usually requires a ton of networking, since it's a good gig :P Well you guys have time... How much more of school do you have? <strong>2 years of long distance.. ick.</strong>
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]<div>Hey! thats totally doable! We did 2 1/2 years! OP don't let the long distance get you down. I was in NY and H was in SC and we did 2 1/2 years LD. 

</div>

melbelle24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_week-4-already-losing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b26f1b57-506e-44d1-aaeb-3400b434022bPost:112b657c-d837-446e-97d2-33f3f2cdb9b4">Re: Week 4 and already losing it</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Week 4 and already losing it : Hey! thats totally doable! We did 2 1/2 years! OP don't let the long distance get you down. I was in NY and H was in SC and we did 2 1/2 years LD. 
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
Ditto this. FI and I just hit 4 years of LD. OP, good luck with everything! The whole Basic experience sucks, but try to stay busy and it'll be over before you know it! These girls have given you lots of good advice. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

firsttimersluck

haha Of course it's doable! We have quite a few ladies on here to prove that I just say ick...
lol

ggirl2001

FTL I'm just messing with you

I'm in a weird mood tonight. Maybe its the wine  

firsttimersluck

whatever.. YOU'RE ick...

*goes in search of wine*


:]

Irishcurls

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_week-4-already-losing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b26f1b57-506e-44d1-aaeb-3400b434022bPost:1a0ecb7c-0a84-4520-9f4b-c093262aeb45">Re: Week 4 and already losing it</a>:
[QUOTE]FTL I'm just messing with you :) I'm in a weird mood tonight. Maybe its the wine ;) 
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
Don't leave me out!! I haven't even had any yet!!<div>
</div><div>Hi OP! I'm no help with the LD thing, but welcome! And listen to these ladies, they're smart!</div>

ggirl2001

FTL you need to come east so we can be bff's. Please?

SamiJoeB

I was in the Navy, and all the advice that the ladies have given you is pretty spot on.  I just wanted to definitely ditto Calindi and PP's who say wait until after a deployment.  As I mentioned in a post on another board, I haven't seen my H in 11 months, and we still have about 4 more to go... it's a hard lifestyle, and it takes an adjustment. 

Also, I had a friend that I was in DEP with that went Nuke, she went to Boot about a 3 months before I did.  Her BF had proposed before she left for boot, they JOP in Charleston so that they could live together, cut to her doing terribly in Nuke school, him not understanding her need to study, pt, and do Navy stuff (He had moved to be with her).  they were divorced before she even finished school.  It's a really sad situation, but I'm just telling you this because unlike what AmandaSC said,  it might not get that much easier once he's finished boot.  Nuke school is really hard, and no doubt your FI is really smart (otherwise he wouldn't have been offered this job!), but I'm just saying.. yes he'll be more available, but he'll also be really busy.  So you have to be really understanding!!  HTH, and hope you stick around!! Even if you're not really planning yet, this board is pretty amazing and the support is Top Notch!!

ggirl2001

And continuing threadjack. Irish, go get your wine.

Sami-What are you doing Nov-dec?? 

Irishcurls

Anyone ever tried Jam Jar. It's a  sweet shiraz and I'm really enjoying it. Not syrupy sweet, but just enough. I should really take this chatter to the chit chat thread below, since this poor girl probably is less interested in my wine selection than I am....

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_week-4-already-losing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:b26f1b57-506e-44d1-aaeb-3400b434022bPost:df6e57cb-2632-471c-a89e-049e5f5b4243">Re: Week 4 and already losing it</a>:
[QUOTE]FTL you need to come east so we can be bff's. Please?
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

mmmmkyesplease :)

Irish. I would appreciate you boozing it up..
Both of you.
A lot.
And then post and entertain me with your drunken posting shenanigans :)
*sigh* I'm so lazy today and need entertainment... lol