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Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure

So, I took a half day from work yesterday to go upstate with BF to go out on his old roommate's boat. Along for the ride were BF's friend's wife, and another young married couple. Not 5 minutes after we left the dock, BF's friend said to us "So, you guys getting a dog soon? Having a baby?" We laughed and I told him I wanted a puppy, but they we'd have to find a new apartment first. 

Not long after that he said, in a non-joking manner, "So, you guys getting married soon?" BF and I just laughed and ignored his questions. Didn't deter him.

He continues, "Seriously [BF], I'll give you the name of the venue Meg & I checked out when we were looking at places. It was really nice and like $90 a head. You should check it out." 

Bf and I didn't say anything, just kinda smiled. Finally, the awkward silence was killing me, so I said something along the lines of "Well, I got my bonus for the month so I think I can handle that." And just laughed. I hope he (and BF!!) understood that I was totally joking.

Still not done. Later in the afternoon he says to BF, again, "So really, when are you guys getting engaged?" BF said "Not yet....." and looked like he'd rather be anywhere else in the world. When his friend raised his eyebrows and smiled, BF said "Let me get a better-paying job first, okay?" And laughed, uncomfortably.

Argh. Sorry if this is a long and annoying post, but I wanted to share and see if anyone would have reacted differently (or better) than I did? It was so awkward for BF's friend to put him/us on the spot like that when we haven't discussed marriage in even the vaugest/jokiest of terms with each other. I do not want BF to think that I'm ready to be engaged yet, or that I'm waiting for him to pop the question, because I'm absolutely NOT.

I wanted to shake his friend and say "Listen buddy, just because you got your GF pregnant and then proposed to her on your 1 yr anniversary does NOT mean that the rest of us want to settle down so quickly." Grrr. People are rude.
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Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure

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    I like "when you ask, we push it back by a year"

    I also like "someday..."  It's usually my go to.

    I feel like "sounds good if you're paying" would have been perfect in your scenario.

    People are rude.  They'll always ask questions that are inappropriate.  In good news, you don't have to get married when society wants you to.  In fact, you don't even have to get married.  For us?  I think we might get married before we have or adopt kids.  But I don't really see much reason to get married before that.  I mean, I'm already on BF's insurance...

    Good luck - oh yea...I also use "when he asks..."  Sure, it's a bit passive agressive, but BF actually says the same thing, lol.  We're special.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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    "sounds good if you're paying" would have been perfect. I'll remember that for the next time we hang out with this guy.

    Oooh, and THEN I'll ask when they're having their next baby!
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    I'm sorry, that sounds uncomfortable to say the least.  I think you reacted just fine. 

    SO's brother (who means well) put some pressure on SO earlier this year in January when we visited him.  He really did mean well in the sense that usually the eldest gets married first in their culture and SO's brother is older than SO so his brother told us that we didn't have to wait for him to get married before we did.  Ok, great...silence.  Then he asked us when we were getting married.  We said "that's a decision we need to make".  He asked again later and I just sort of half-laughed, said "he has to ask me and we'll see what I say buuuuutttt anyone else want another drink?"  

    It was a little uncomfortable but it came from a good place.  I'm sure your BF's friends comments were well-intentioned...at least I hope they were.  I think you did the best you could given the circumstances in deflecting.   
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    msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_longvent-about-engagement-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26e78c11-7341-4aa8-8b05-bae862f27bb4Post:b8718429-8335-41e6-917a-7f5bb166aff7">Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE]"sounds good if you're paying" would have been perfect. I'll remember that for the next time we hang out with this guy. Oooh, and THEN I'll ask when they're having their next baby!
    Posted by Hummingbird125[/QUOTE]

    Haha. Sounds good.

    My bf and I get it pretty frequently. I always say "when he finishes grad school." So, I've got a good 3 years before that happens. :) Or, I'll say "we aren't focused on that right now, we are having fun as we are, why ruin it?"

    Edit: You may want to clarify with bf that you aren't there yet. I'm sure he understands, but this kinda thing can freak a guy out, so it might be better to make sure you are on the same page.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    I've had those questions before, sometimes when we are together and sometimes I get them when I am not with the BF too.

    I always tell people regardless of how I may feel internally-  Life is busy, we're really happy and we are simplying enjoying each other's company right now and are not in any rush.  I would mention just a few things too, you may be focusing on, or are looking forward to in the immediate future.

    I've learned people will always over step their boundaries like that... unfortunately.  I think I'm going to try to count how many times BF & I get asked that question at my sister's wedding in 3 weeks.

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    Blue-  I've also gone the passive aggressive route as well, by answering those questions with- "Whenever he asks."

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    Just don't use "sounds good if you're paying" when it's your Mom saying she wants you to get married in the chimpanzee enclosure at Bronx zoo. Because then she gets out her checkbook and Grandad asks if you're pregnant and if not can you hurry up because he wants a great-grandchild before he pops his clogs. But other than close family...it's my standard response and does work. For close family I now just say "after we finish our education" which is vague enough, and puts it closest at two years.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_longvent-about-engagement-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26e78c11-7341-4aa8-8b05-bae862f27bb4Post:c8021acd-108b-4437-bb7c-1180677bc8ab">Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE]Blue-  I've also gone the passive aggressive route as well, by answering those questions with- "Whenever he asks."
    Posted by danser55[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ha - I wouldn't do that to BF. Not for several more years, at least. But I like your syle.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_longvent-about-engagement-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26e78c11-7341-4aa8-8b05-bae862f27bb4Post:661155ef-e32c-4013-87b0-3ea38125ec5e">Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE] I think I'm going to try to count how many times BF & I get asked that question at my sister's wedding in 3 weeks.
    Posted by danser55[/QUOTE]

    Can't you make a game out of that somehow? Since it's pretty much a given that it's going to happen in that situation. BF and I have started placing informal bets on how many times we'll be asked that.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_longvent-about-engagement-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26e78c11-7341-4aa8-8b05-bae862f27bb4Post:c8021acd-108b-4437-bb7c-1180677bc8ab">Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE]Blue-  I've also gone the passive aggressive route as well, by answering those questions with- "Whenever he asks."
    Posted by danser55[/QUOTE]

    This. He's used to it now and knows that the ball is in his court. He likes the power... because he's an ass.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_longvent-about-engagement-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26e78c11-7341-4aa8-8b05-bae862f27bb4Post:ef04303c-c1a1-40ae-81b1-af720b46d368">Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure : Can't you make a game out of that somehow? Since it's pretty much a given that it's going to happen in that situation. BF and I have started placing informal bets on how many times we'll be asked that.
    Posted by fizzylemonade[/QUOTE]
    We could make a game out of it, that might be fun.  I don't want to make him feel pressured or self conscience about it either.

    Anniversary

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_longvent-about-engagement-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26e78c11-7341-4aa8-8b05-bae862f27bb4Post:19429d06-3b80-4f6c-bf90-af007529da38">Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure : We could make a game out of it, that might be fun.  I don't want to make him feel pressured or self conscience about it either.
    Posted by danser55[/QUOTE]

    That's why I started it with BF at my family's parties. Most of my extended family have got engaged pretty quickly, and definitely before moving in together. So when we moved in together we started to get the 'well-meaning' questions. So we bet on it. It takes the edge off a bit when we can smile at our inside joke when we get asked for the sixth time that evening.
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    Very true, most of the people at my sister's wedding will be relatives I haven't seen in awhile, since before even being with the BF.  So it may be interesting to see how rude people can actually be.

    Anniversary

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    The really snarky response that I don't think I ever actually used, "50% of marriages end in divorce and we wouldn't want to stack the odds against you and so-and-so." 
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    I also used "thanks for continually asking. Every little girl dreams of the day her boyfriend proposes because he was harrassed into submission."    or I went with honesty. " i want it to be a total surprise so we have not discussed a specific timeline." of course that one only let me off the hook.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_longvent-about-engagement-pressure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26e78c11-7341-4aa8-8b05-bae862f27bb4Post:b8718429-8335-41e6-917a-7f5bb166aff7">Re: Long/Vent about Engagement Pressure</a>:
    [QUOTE]"sounds good if you're paying" would have been perfect. I'll remember that for the next time we hang out with this guy. Oooh, and THEN I'll ask when they're having their next baby!
    Posted by Hummingbird125[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is incredibly effective! My BF and I have 2 sets of mutual friends who recently got married and have started asking (too often) when we're getting engaged. Asking when they're going to have a kid ends that discussion pretty quickly :)</div>

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