I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....

kimheartsscott

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:0adfa226-31d1-4026-8fca-a3fd22a9b00b">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but.... : My little sister actually told me that she declined being my matron of honor because <strong>she didn't want to ruin all my pictures by forcing me to stand beside her skinny, perfect body</strong>. True story. Now I'm just glad she's in very few wedding photos because she's crazy and mean. 
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm 90% sure my MOH was thinking that same thing and she is in all my damn pictures.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry your sister is clearly crazy, Bec.</div>

BecW2be

Yep. She told me in an email back in October, two years after my wedding. She also pretty much outlined 35 years of pure MUD and ways I've ruined her life since birth. It was a good 5-6 pages, and it was crystal clear that she'd been harboring some serious delusions and hatred for me for her entire life. Everything bad that has ever happened to her was blamed squarely on me. It's an amazing piece of fiction that I should release one day for your entertainment, but it still stings a little to think about it. Needless to say, we will never, ever ever speak to each other again. I'm not sure who she'll blame the rest of her life on, but it's not going to be me.  

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Wow Bec, you must be very exhausted after spending your entire time on this earth making her life completely miserable.

Lol what a drama llama.

BecW2be

It wasn't just her life! I ruined my parents' lives as well, and I'm not even allowed to call myself a teen mother because everyone did everything for me and I had the easiest life ever while she struggled in high school with her grades and her hair and no one noticed her. I stole her attention with my teen husband, baby, full time job, mortgage and perfect grades. I'm evil!! It's funny, because I don't remember who did everything for me because I was too busy working 40 hours a week, going to school full time and raising my baby. Silly me.

Bat.shiit.CRAZY.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Lol and the kicker is she has no idea who completely NUTS she sounds.

alynne1113

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:30654a41-fbdd-4eb5-97d5-51c743adeabd">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]Bec, I just read the story of how you and your husband met.  That's so cute.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I did too, what an awesome story.

BecW2be

Aw, thanks girls! You were looking for pictures of my fat ass beside my skinny, perfect sister, weren't you!?!? Haters!!!

arwo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:591f1e55-27d8-4a5c-9c6d-d7eb9d734b91">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]It's part of who she is. Just like you wouldn't ask a BM to change her hair color, wear make-up a certain way, or lose weight, you can't ask her to cover up her tattoos. When you let her be a BM, you accepted her as a BM as who she is, including tattoos. I think it's kind of ridiculous that one reason you didn't want her as a BM was because of her tattoos. Picking BMs should be about who you're closest to, not who looks most attractive in pictures. <strong>The only time I would say it's OK to suggest covering one is if it truly is offensive--and I mean like a naked girl or a penis or something.</strong> If it's not, then you can't ask her to cover them up.
Posted by KatePlusNate04[/QUOTE]

This made me laugh--I find the idea that tattoos of anatomy are "truly offensive", but "bloody figures" (as described by the OP) are not, kinda funny. Call me crazy, but I find a penis less offensive than a tattoo depicting something violent.

With that said, I agree with everyone else that you can't ask her to cover her tattoos without potentially hurting her feelings, unless they are really super offensive.

Also, I will say that my two bridesmaids and I all have tattoos--and I got a lot of compliments on my tattoos at and after the wedding, particularly from people that I expected WOULDN'T approve (older family friends, etc.).

ZombieNates

BEC RUINED MY LIFE!

My mom made a big deal about my cousin's tattoos (to me) and how they'd look in the pictures (one is kind of prison style, commemorating our grandmother, ironically, and one is a Hello Kitty right about her  boob).  I seriously didn't notice them at all in the pictures.  Granted, she doesn't have sleeves, like OP is describing, but really I was too excited to look at myself to notice other people's tats.  I am vain.

BecW2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:e0084fc1-2a39-43e0-84b8-3adfc13fa776">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]BEC RUINED MY LIFE! My mom made a big deal about my cousin's tattoos (to me) and how they'd look in the pictures (one is kind of prison style, commemorating our grandmother, ironically, and one is a Hello Kitty right about her  boob).  I seriously didn't notice them at all in the pictures.  Granted, she doesn't have sleeves, like OP is describing, but really I was too excited to look at myself to notice other people's tats.  I am vain.
Posted by ZombieNates[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>LIAR! I clearly did not have time to ruin your life because I was so intensely focused on ruining my sister's! STOP LYING! You cannot take the attention away from her disastrous life with your make believe tragedy. CANNOT. </div><div>
</div><div>It's funny, because I really wanted credit for her marriage to a millionaire who buys her yachts and houses and trips around the world, but I didn't get to claim that one. :\</div><div>
</div><div>I want to see a prison-like Grandma memoriam tattoo! It sounds amazing.</div>

Bec67

You didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid because of the tattoos but you accepted her as a bridesmaid. In this case I think you are just going to have to accept her tattoos. You could always be honest with her about how you felt but I don't think it's worth it. Photos can be airbrushed but her feelings will not be that easily fixed.

ZombieNates

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:39b969f0-e1e0-4975-ba1d-6d71bd2b4c8e">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but.... : LIAR! I clearly did not have time to ruin your life because I was so intensely focused on ruining my sister's! STOP LYING! You cannot take the attention away from her disastrous life with your make believe tragedy. CANNOT.  It's funny, because I really wanted credit for her marriage to a millionaire who buys her yachts and houses and trips around the world, but I didn't get to claim that one. :\ I want to see a prison-like Grandma memoriam tattoo! It sounds amazing.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]
My web of lies has caught up with me. I think you need to claim the millionaire.  Send random cards with pictures of yachts that say "You're effing welcome!!" on them. At the very least, try to write it off on your taxes--"adopted stray out to millionaire." It's a charitable donation.

The prison tat is pretty awesome. She's very tiny, so it takes up most of her upper arm and it's all dark, prison-y ink and says "RIP NANNY." It makes me laugh because my grandmother thought tattoos were the trashiest thing ever (and we both have them).

BecW2be

Yep, just as I imagined. Amazing. 

Chloe's biggest weapon against me is to threaten to have a car sticker memorial on her car after I die. 

Denise91980

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:95db55a5-a374-4820-8192-a679cd526797">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]Aw, thanks girls! You were looking for pictures of my fat ass beside my skinny, perfect sister, weren't you!?!? Haters!!! :)
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

<div>Um, I just stalked your pics and your ass looked pretty sweet to me ;)</div><div>You looked gorgeous! </div><div>
</div><div>OP, like pp have already mentioned, there is really no nice way to ask. It probably won't even be a BFD for the pics, as most pics you pic for albums will be of you and your husband, and close family. Probably few will be with the whole bridal party anyway. </div><div>
</div><div>I should've kicked my niece out for ruining my pics with her green cast...lol</div><div>HOW DARE SHE!</div><div>
<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/7/15/b7873531-bdf9-44f9-af3a-7b53cfe7f527.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/7/15/b7873531-bdf9-44f9-af3a-7b53cfe7f527.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
</div>

ZombieNates

The best threats are creative ones. 

eemott

Well it isn't just me who is worried.  My FI's family is extremely conservative (his grandparents didn't even want to attend because we aren't getting married in church).  I don't think its being "a jackass" trying to keep everyone happy.  I want her to be in the wedding, I want him and his family happy as well....not him constantly nagging me about how we are going to cover them up.  Just looking for advice on how to ask, not whether or not I should. 

AriesAngel86

The point that everyone is trying to make is that there is NOT a good way to ask. If his grandparents don't like it, too bad... their loss if they are that offended by tattoos or if they decide not to come. It's pretty offensive that your fiance/fiance's family would nag about changing someone's physical appearance. Not their call AT ALL.

eemott

Well when you have tattoos of people with their throats slit on your forearm, I imagine some grandparents would be offended.

AriesAngel86

Sure, some grandparents would be. My point is, they can get over it.

eemott

Well it seems to be that everyone is annoyed by it.  Asking everyone to "get over it" isn't really an option, especially the people helping to pay for the wedding.

dmiller9274

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:660a6d91-9d08-46aa-a36c-a1ab9dc18a8c">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]Well it isn't just me who is worried.  My FI's family is extremely conservative (his grandparents didn't even want to attend because we aren't getting married in church).  I don't think its being "a jackass" trying to keep everyone happy.  I want her to be in the wedding, I want him and his family happy as well....not him constantly nagging me about how we are going to cover them up.  Just looking for advice on how to ask, not whether or not I should. 
Posted by eemott[/QUOTE]
My philosophy has always been honesty is the best policy. Simply explain to your cousin that the only people who have tattoos are neanderthals and hobos, and that it's your big effing day so you get whatever you want.  If she can't accept that, then clearly she hates you and you should send Bec to her house to ruin her life...word on the street is, she's really good at it.

sunnydays630

But even if she isn't a bridesmaid, won't people still see her tattoos? Granted, more people will see her if she is a bridesmaid, but it is a part of who she is and you shouldn't have to hide her because other people don't like tattoos. 

saxy414

I had a BM with a lot of tattoos--not sleeves or face tattoos, but a significant amount on her arms/shoulders/chest.  I thought she looked freaking awesome in the hot pink dress with her hair all up, and the tattoos on full display.  I know she also got a lot of compliments on how great she looked.  After the wedding, I did hear maybe two people talk about how they don't understand why people would get so many tattoos, but that wasn't really a reflection on her or the wedding.  They just didn't get it, and that's their own thing to deal with.

I've kind of skimmed, but do the grandparents (FI's, right?) already know she has a ton of tattoos?  If they don't, don't mention it.  If they threaten not to come because they do know, tell them you'll miss them.  I would guess they wouldn't really miss their grandson's wedding because there will be one person with tattoos (who would be there regardless of her being a BM, correct?).

KatePlusNate04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:28c1ece5-f3da-45f9-bfd2-b5146d26c4f3">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but.... :<strong> This made me laugh--I find the idea that tattoos of anatomy are "truly offensive", but "bloody figures" (as described by the OP) are not, kinda funny. Call me crazy, but I find a penis less offensive than a tattoo depicting something violent.</strong> With that said, I agree with everyone else that you can't ask her to cover her tattoos without potentially hurting her feelings, unless they are really super offensive. Also, I will say that my two bridesmaids and I all have tattoos--and I got a lot of compliments on my tattoos at and after the wedding, particularly from people that I expected WOULDN'T approve (older family friends, etc.).
Posted by arwo[/QUOTE]

I guess it really depends what the bloody figures are. I just know that if the wedding's in a Church, I don't think I'd go parading around with penises on my arms. I think as far as that goes, it depends on the venue. It's possible that what she has is extremely graphic, and I might also consider covering those up. But I would hope that the person with the tattoos would say, "You know, I'm going to be in a Church; maybe I should cover up my severed limbs and penises for just one day." To me, that's along the same vein as dressing properly given. the occasion and venue. And like my OP said, overall I do NOT think the bride should ask her to cover up, but if the tattoos could be construed as graphic or offensive, I think she herself should have the sense to cover up based on the situation.

ETA: I don't see this as being any different than choosing to not wear a t-shirt with penises or swear words on it when I'm going to a formal Church wedding.

reddy123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont-want-hurt-her-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8decc1b8-5a32-4121-8bad-b5fa7245b038Post:dfc371f6-fa38-4e8c-bc4b-0cfaafe62213">Re: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but....</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If this BM has sleeves and various other tattoos, I kinda doubt anyone is going to look closely enough at her tattoos to see each specific illustration.</strong>  I would imagine the focus would be on the bride and groom, and not on the tattooed BM. When my sister got married, I asked her if she wanted me to cover my tattoo.  She told me that she didn't care if I covered it or not.  I chose not to.  No one mentioned it at all.  I seriously doubt anyone noticed it, as the focus was on the bride and groom, not me.
Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I was going to say. OP, I think you are overestimating how much your guests care about one of your BM's and how closely people will be inspecting them. They really will be looking at you and your FI, promise.</div><div>
</div><div> I understand, my friends have zombie tattoos, my BIL is fully covered in bright colors from the neck down. I really want to post my wedding pics, but I don't want to put them on blast, but I wish you could see how little it effects the pictures. I think you should google "wedding group shots" to see how small people really are in large shots. This is a similar view your grandparents will have from their seats at the ceremony.You can even google "tattoo bridesmaid photos" to see examples.</div><div>
</div><div>If it's really that bad, I guess you could make her wear a turtleneck (fug), but in my opinion, that's a really bad friend move, it's saying, "I want a BM, but not you exactly, I want a BM that makes my family feel comfortable and my pics pretty, so I will just change you until you just barely fit the bill." </div><div>
</div><div>How about... "That's her. If you don't like it or understand, she's an open person and you can go discuss it with her right over there, but I love her despite her taste in tattoos." Is saying that to family that hard, really? </div>

ZombieNates

I hate 99% of turtlenecks. A turtleneck is way more offensive to me that a tat of someone getting their throat slit. Blegh.

sunnydays630

Hey Nates, I really love your dress! The picture on the left looks awesome. 

ETA: well, they both do. :-) 

reddy123

Kate- I do see what you're saying, and I actually thought if they were that offensive she probably wouldn't be surprised because people may ask her to cover them often.

Also, I thought of it from the flipside and if my BFF asked me to cover my tatts for church, I would buy a cute bolero and do it to respect the church and elders. I have easily covered tatts though, so maybe it would be different if I had full sleeves.

Nates- maybe she should just settle with a green man suit?

SarahPLiz

OP, if tge offensve tat is on her foearm, how about you give all your BMs (not just her) a pashmina/shawl type thing. Depending on how they drape, it could cover up a forearm.

ZombieNates

TBH, I could conceive of someone asking someone to cover their tats if it were a church rule. For N and I, it was very important to be married in the church and if that meant that cousin had to cover her tats or sit out, so be it. I can't see asking for them to be covered just for pictures, though.

Reddy, that suit is the default answer from now on. But only if we can bedazzle it first. It needs to fit in.

TY, Sunny! I loved the shiit of out that dress, although after wearing it all day/night, I could totally understand why people get a second dress for the reception. I couldn't wait to take it off.