Not invited-- to send a gift or not to send a gift?

carolinesekula

A co-worker whom I have known for over six years is getting married soon.  Our department is very close-knit and many of us have attended each other's weddings.  However, he is having a smaller wedding and needed to take the all-or-nothing approach with co-workers, so none of us are invited.  I take no offense to this whatsoever.  But he is my friend, and I am dying to send him a gift!!! Not as a passive-aggressive-how-could-you-not-invite-me thing, but because I am sincerely happy for him. But should I?  Would this create an uncomfortable situation, or should I go for it?  And how much would be too much?

skippylouwho

Are you happy for them?  If so, send a gift. It's that simple.

smokyhills

Send a gift if you want to send a gift - there's nothing wrong with doing it if you *want* to - the problem comes with being obligated, or feeling pressured to. Yeah, they might feel a little guilty, but a simple note will go far in that department. My general rule for gifts to people I like is to get the individual/couple something that they wouldn't get for themselves, whether it's $20 or $200.

JReidSmith

I work at a school with 120 women on the faculty--and we're all actually pretty close. Everyone does a great job of understanding that whenever one of us gets married, she would LIKE to invite everyone, but it's impossible. Generally what we  "non-invitees" do is get everyone together in the home ec room after school and have a shower for the bride to show how happy we are for her--and we've done this for grooms too, which is always hysterical. Sometimes we all chip in and buy one big gift from his/her registry, or sometimes a cash gift, though we've done it more traditionally where everyone brought a gift.  Since no one in your office was invited, I bet other people would like to do something too--maybe you could organize a little lunchroom party? Nothing fancy, a few gifts, some balloons, maybe a cake? 

Galaxy8227

I think sending a gift would be a nice gesture, I'm sure they would appreciate it. 

SaraAndrew2010

You could also organize a group gift.  That way it doesn't come across as you are sending a gift in hopes of being invited. 

[Deleted User]

I'm on the other end of this question.  My wedding is very small (about 30 family members and very close friends) so, of course, none of my co-workers are invited.  Also my co-workers and I don't socialize other than department functions.  However, in the eleven years I have worked in the department, I have contributed a small fortune for baby gifts.  Our department has repopulated a small city so I'm going to be at least a bit annoyed if I don't get a wedding gift - a cake would be nice also.

marissa_claire

I would consider getting people in the department to go in together on a gift.