why such animosity toward vow renewal?

mjeffcoats

I, like others, found this board while searching for some discussion/ideas/advice for my upcoming vow renewal ceremony.  It is abundantly clear to me after reading dozens of responses that this is the WRONG place to be.  What I don't understand, though, is why the comments are so hateful towards those wishing to celebrate a lasting marriage?  I've read accusations that these women feel "entitled" yet have read posts from 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) time brides saying they didn't have the big party the first time so why not?  I agree...why not?  But by the same logic, why not celebrate (in any way you want) a successful marriage (and those who are divorced must know that keeping a marriage together is not easy)?  I just can't figure out where the animosity is coming from.
My husband and I married young (both 20) and impulsively at the JOP.  That was 25 years ago and in the course of the 25 years, raising 2 kids, surviving a brain anuerysm, etc. I have ALWAYS wished I had done things differently.  I have attended weddings/showers/bachelorette parties for women who have been married multiple times, have lived together for years and/or have several children already.  So some women are "entitled" to 2 or more big weddings yet others who stay together shouldn't feel envious attending these events?  I even read on more than one thread that "if you want a wedding, then get divorced"!  Seriously?
Perhaps the issue is semantics...calling it a wedding?  I really wish I had never stumbled upon this board because I am now questioning EVERYTHING I have planned for my silver anniversary/vow renewal (and my plans never included showers/registries/bachelorette party/father walking me down the aisle). 
The attitudes here just seem very hypocritical.

Edited:  to remove duplicative punctuation

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_why-such-animosity-toward-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:62259e0d-64a8-4c6d-9bba-135ae314f531Post:ea8e7115-cdf9-4631-93f8-b466939cfb2d">why such animosity toward vow renewal??</a>:
[QUOTE]I, like others, found this board while searching for some discussion/ideas/advice for my upcoming vow renewal ceremony.  It is abundantly clear to me after reading dozens of responses that this is the WRONG place to be.  What I don't understand, though, is why the comments are so hateful towards those wishing to celebrate a lasting marriage?  I've read accusations that these women feel "entitled" yet have read posts from 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) time brides saying they didn't have the big party the first time so why not?  I agree...why not?  But by the same logic, why not celebrate (in any way you want) a successful marriage (and those who are divorced must know that keeping a marriage together is not easy)?  I just can't figure out where the animosity is coming from. My husband and I married young (both 20) and impulsively at the JOP.  That was 25 years ago and in the course of the 25 years, raising 2 kids, surviving a brain anuerysm, etc. I have ALWAYS wished I had done things differently.  I have attended weddings/showers/bachelorette parties for women who have been married multiple times, have lived together for years and/or have several children already.  So some women are "entitled" to 2 or more big weddings yet others who stay together shouldn't feel envious attending these events?  I even read on more than one thread that "if you want a wedding, then get divorced"!!!!  Seriously???? Perhaps the issue is semantics...calling it a wedding?  I really wish I had never stumbled upon this board because I am now questioning EVERYTHING I have planned for my silver anniversary/vow renewal (and my plans never included showers/registries/bachelorette party/father walking me down the aisle).  The attitudes here just seem very hypocritical.
Posted by mjeffcoats[/QUOTE]

NONE of us have ever expressed anything but support for vow renewals that are planned after a number of years have passed, particularly to celebrate a milestone anniversary.  In fact, we often recommend to newly married brides who chose to have a simple ceremony ( the JOP<strong> is</strong> a ceremony) who have regrets and who want to have a vow renewal in the first year or two, to wait and hold the renewal on a milestone anniversary.

You are doing just the opposite of them.  They come here, ask our opinions and then don't like what they hear and do it anyway.  You didn't ask our opinion, and didn't get it, and are considering changing your plans and harboring hostility towards us because you are second guessing yourself.   

Seriously, congrats on your 25th wedding anniversary.  I don't think there is one of us here who doesn't wish that our first marriage had been the one to the right person so that we would be there as well, or who doesn't wish that our right person had not died.  Frankly, I don't think your animosity towards women who have been divorced or widowed is any more admirable.

mjeffcoats

Skip the vow renewal. If you feel the need to plan a party & spend exorbitant amounts of money on a few hours of fun, throw a fabulous kick butt party -without the wedding do-over baggage- for some other special occasion. Isn't one of you turning 30 or 40 in the next few years?

Or, divorce him, go through the pain & suffering of the breaking apart of a marriage, the angst of single parenthood (which it looks like you have had some experience with), the joys of dating with children (ditto) and then, once you find someone to marry, THEN come back & talk to us about your actual second wedding. ~Donna

^^This quote from one thread just strikes me as hateful and maybe a little bitter

I realize that you all APPROVE of MY plans but I was hoping to make the point that it's not necessary to be so disapproving of others. I am thrilled for all of you to have found love again and I'm thrilled for myself and others who were lucky to have found love the first time. Celebrate love in all it's many manifestations! 

MikesAngie

Congratulations on your 25th wedding anniversary vow renewal.  We wouldn't dare say anything negative about your celebration because you are celebrating a significant anniversary in a beautiful way.

What garners the side eye, is the newly wed bride coming here and gushing about how she and her hubby of six months are planning a HUGE wedding because they didn't get all the hoopla that they wanted when they originally wed.  

About divorcees, I'm glad  you didn't have to go through that experience, my first marriage lasted 7 months when my husband broke my nose and my cheek - he'd asked for a divorce and I said something and then the fight started.  He would have killed me had a neighbor not beat on the condo wall.  I left that night with .25 in my pocket. He and a sibling are friends and he doesn't even remember me now. 

My second was to someone I had known for 12 years.  We were married 2.5 years without any intimacy or sexual contact - he came out on a business trip when he met a really sweet man. 

My third marriage was to a man I had known 6 months, he spent the first 5 Christmases asking for a divorce because he enjoyed creating drama.  He stopped when I told him that what he was doing was eroding our marriage.  We celebrated our  9 year anniversary, 1 month later he drunkenly asked for a divorce.  We patched things up, he met his now girlfriend/wife (I don't know don't care) before his 62nd birthday, I also met her that day. After secretly meeting her for two months he began asking for a divorce every other day.  He got what he wanted.  This man was/is 17 years my senior, insecure and controling my job is what threatened him the most. 

My current marriage is to the person who was right for me all along - we knew each other and dated when we were 15, he wanted to elope when we were 21 - I said no.  He was being deployed to Germany.  I tried to contact in several times and received no response, 24.5 years later I would learn he never received the letters.  I found out at our 10 year high school reunion that he was married.  I had stayed single...  We have been together since 2009, married in 2011 and things are great!  This is my meant to be marriage.  My dad knew that and was happy we had gotten back in touch just before he died in 2001. 

Please don't judge woman who have been married more than once you don't know their circumstances and it's unfair of you to judge.  Not one of us went into any of our marriages wanting a divorce - we wanted our realistic happily ever after.  I took me 4 times but I got it, and since the first two ended within time to have them annulled, I've been married twice.

Luckily for you, you haven't lost a spouse either - you had a close call but thankfully avoided that pain as well. 

So please don't be so harsh on those who have not been as fortunate as you. 

Again congratulations on your 25th wedding anniversary vow renewal. 

TheVirginians

It would be nice to have the link that your quote was from so we could read the whole thread. No one ever objects to a vow renewal, nor to a big blowout party. People object to the big white wedding dress with multiple matching attendants when the bride is trying to re-do her simple wedding. It is usually a gift grab as it happens weeks or months after the true wedding. It sounds like you have every reason to celebrate your anniversary! Enjoy!

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_why-such-animosity-toward-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:62259e0d-64a8-4c6d-9bba-135ae314f531Post:3a9eb228-8c7e-4d87-9227-e4e6bccfe2a1">Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal??</a>:
[QUOTE]Skip the vow renewal. If you feel the need to plan a party & spend exorbitant amounts of money on a few hours of fun, throw a fabulous kick butt party -without the wedding do-over baggage- for some other special occasion. Isn't one of you turning 30 or 40 in the next few years? Or, divorce him, go through the pain & suffering of the breaking apart of a marriage, the angst of single parenthood (which it looks like you have had some experience with), the joys of dating with children (ditto) and then, once you find someone to marry, THEN come back & talk to us about your actual second wedding. ~Donna ^^ This quote from one thread just strikes me as hateful and maybe a little bitter <strong>I realize that you all APPROVE of MY plans</strong> but I was hoping to make the point that it's not necessary to be so disapproving of others. I am thrilled for all of you to have found love again and I'm thrilled for myself and others who were lucky to have found love the first time. Celebrate love in all it's many manifestations! 
Posted by mjeffcoats[/QUOTE]

<font color="#000080"><font color="#000000">Then why are you questioning your plans?</font>


 I really wish I had never stumbled upon this board because I am now questioning EVERYTHING I have planned for my silver anniversary/vow renewal (and my plans never included showers/registries/bachelorette party/father walking me down the aisle). 

</font>

mjeffcoats

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_why-such-animosity-toward-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:62259e0d-64a8-4c6d-9bba-135ae314f531Post:779b9866-0872-4e07-93d9-e73c1b97d2f0">Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal?? : Then why are you questioning your plans?  I really wish I had never stumbled upon this board because I am now questioning EVERYTHING I have planned for my silver anniversary/vow renewal (and my plans never included showers/registries/bachelorette party/father walking me down the aisle). 
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

I had originally planned to have an all out "wedding" with the white wedding gown, walking down the aisle with my husband and children and big reception following.  I have since scaled it down based on comments i have read here and on other boards that are so adamantly opposed to such a thing.  I feared that I would look like a fool to those I invite.  I realize that I should never allow the thoughts of others to dictate my actions, however, my reason for searching through message boards was to get a sense of what was acceptable and what was not. 

I would never have even posted if I had not gotten such negative vibes from so many of the second time brides' comments.  I just didn't/don't understand the anger.  I guess I am having trouble finding the difference between a "do-over" wedding for an already married couple and a "do-over" for a 2nd time bride.  Still the same big party, getting the attention, etc. more than one time.  Again semantically, I know you can't get "married" if you already are, but all else seems kind of the same to me.

right1thistime

I just searched for 40 minutes trying to find the post you quoted from, went all the way back to August, and still didn't find it.  Sometimes the context makes all the difference, but I cannot find it to see if that applies to this particular one. 

I wouldn't bat even one eyelash about what you are planning.  Or were planning.  If I were to guess, I think that your mention of regret about having a JOP wedding initially is contributing to your second guessing.  I know you aren't seeing the difference, but waiting 25 years to salve that regret indicates some level of maturity and in my opinion (and that is all it ever is, someone's opinion) the right to have a PPD.

Just walking into the middle of the conversation, it is not unreasonable to think that the opposition to the concept of a vow renewal is excessive.  But again, this is the culmination of a long history of discussion.  If you have perused the board for comments on vow renewals, I imagine you have seen some of that discussion.  It stems from the regret you voiced initially.   These brides make a choice to have a wedding that is simpler, less formal or less elaborate for a variety of reasons.  Faced with options (usually involving waiting) they prioritize immediate marriage over dresses, cake, dances, flowers, etc.  Once it is complete, they begin to ruminate on what they didn't have, and begin to convince themselves that somehow they missed out on something they deserved.  And now, sometimes within days of their marriage,  they seek to get it.  And some elect to not tell their guests that this is not the actual wedding.  And some want all those things you, yourself, indicated were excessive for a vow renewal.  Because darn it, they deserve to have it. 

I suspect that your choice to have a vow renewal is to celebrate the longevity of your marriage, the hurdles you have overcome, to share the joy of continuing to have good health & happiness.  Adding the elements of a dress, a trip down the aisle and a big reception is a perfectly appropriate choice to make.  I guess I feel badly too that you would still feel regret 25 years after a choice that you made impulsively at age 20.    I certainly made impulsive choices, some of which I regret (marrying my xH would be in that list), but I think it is healthy and wise to forgive our younger foolish selves, and to let regret go.  If you need to have the party to let it go, my opinion is that you should.  Life is too short. 

Which, by the way, is how I feel about these young women and their do-overs.  If they want to do it, fine.  I just believe that when they come here and ask for opinions, they are probably hearing a little voice in their heads that is advising them against it.  I am not going to placate them and encourage them.  But who am I?  Just some anonymous old crank on the SW board. ~Donna

TheVirginians

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_why-such-animosity-toward-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:62259e0d-64a8-4c6d-9bba-135ae314f531Post:85a3eec6-a6b8-49eb-b372-68283b2bbc01">Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal?? : I had originally planned to have an all out "wedding" with the white wedding gown, walking down the aisle with my husband and children and big reception following.  I have since scaled it down based on comments i have read here and on other boards that are so adamantly opposed to such a thing.  I feared that I would look like a fool to those I invite.  I realize that I should never allow the thoughts of others to dictate my actions, however, my reason for searching through message boards was to get a sense of what was acceptable and what was not.  I would never have even posted if I had not gotten such negative vibes from so many of the second time brides' comments.  I just didn't/don't understand the anger.  I guess I am having trouble finding the difference between a "do-over" wedding for an already married couple and a "do-over" for a 2nd time bride.  Still the same big party, getting the attention, etc. more than one time.  Again semantically, I know you can't get "married" if you already are, but all else seems kind of the same to me.
Posted by mjeffcoats[/QUOTE]

You can have whatever you want after twenty-five years. The negative comments are for those that schedule do-overs within weeks or months of their true, simple wedding.

Jells2dot0

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_why-such-animosity-toward-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:62259e0d-64a8-4c6d-9bba-135ae314f531Post:85a3eec6-a6b8-49eb-b372-68283b2bbc01">Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal?? : I had originally planned to have an all out "wedding" with the white wedding gown, walking down the aisle with my husband and children and big reception following.  I have since scaled it down based on comments i have read here and on other boards that are so adamantly opposed to such a thing.  I feared that I would look like a fool to those I invite.  I realize that I should never allow the thoughts of others to dictate my actions, however, my reason for searching through message boards was to get a sense of what was acceptable and what was not.  I would never have even posted if I had not gotten such negative vibes from so many of the second time brides' comments.  I just didn't/don't understand the anger. <strong> I guess I am having trouble finding the difference between a "do-over" wedding for an already married couple and a "do-over" for a 2nd time bride. </strong> Still the same big party, getting the attention, etc. more than one time.  Again semantically, I know you can't get "married" if you already are, but all else seems kind of the same to me.
Posted by mjeffcoats[/QUOTE]

A second wedding due to divorce or a death is not a do over. Yes, it may be a second wedding for one or both of the people. However, there are lots of women on here who are planning a "second" wedding, and their signficant other, or even themselves, has never been married previously. So, it would only be right, if both people agree, to have a full up wedding when one of the people getting married has never had a wedding. Also, it's the first time marrying this new person!  I, for example, could have not even legally married my DH when he got married the first time (He was 29, I was 12!). So, why should I not have the wedding of my choice to celebrate our relationship and the ove we have that is completely different than what we had in our previous relationships? (I will note that our wedding was SIGNIFICANTLY scaled back from our first weddings and we didn't even invite any guests, so I didn't exactly have a do over. ) Now, if someone had their second wedding at a JOP and then decided a few weeks later that it wasn't good enough, and it needed to be bigger, then we'd see some fireworks on here!

All other stuff aside, I think having a vow renewal after 25 years is a great idea. A lot of us on here won't ever hit 25 years with our new spouse because we married or re-married at an older age. So, to be able to celebrate 25 years is outstanding and I hope your plans come together and everything works out.

mjeffcoats

right1thistime...thanks for your thoughful reply. 

retreadbride...i'm not trolling.  i tried to express myself in a nonjudgmental way but it seems i wasn't successful. 

as i said earlier, love should be celebrated and i hope we all find what we're looking for...

pesematology

Because there aren't enough parties to go around. If anyone gets more than one, that means a bride somewhere got hers stolen from her and the world can never be right until all the people who want parties are deemed deserving or unworthy by the sorting hat.

Also you might want to chill with the duplicative punctuation.

mjeffcoats

right1thistime...i found that quote when i did a search of the forum for "vow renewal" and i believe it was the 3rd or 4th post listed (i didn't mean to blast you specifically, it was just an example of what I was finding)

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_why-such-animosity-toward-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:62259e0d-64a8-4c6d-9bba-135ae314f531Post:20994382-98f7-4d73-872c-9f1f45f88d3d">Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal??</a>:
[QUOTE]right1thistime...i found that quote when i did a search of the forum for "vow renewal" and i believe it was the 3rd or 4th post listed (i didn't mean to blast you specifically, it was just an example of what I was finding)
Posted by mjeffcoats[/QUOTE]

I don't take it personally, no worries.  I was hoping to put some context with the quote, that's all.  Differences of opinion, thoughtfully discussed, expand all of our minds.  ~Donna

right1thistime

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_wedding-redo-with-a-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:19412030-2123-489a-a246-33bd3754a3f7Post:969070e4-d122-468c-9c06-870e88272579

The post is from July.  The OP DD'd her original post and the subsequent posts.  From the thread that remains, it appears that she was a single time poster (which often indicates trolling).   She has been married a couple of years, didn't get the wedding she wanted because she was pregnant, and is planning a vow renewal for her 6th anniversary.  She went on the attack, suggesting that because the people disagreeing with her have had previous marriages, their current marriages will fail as well.

I certainly own the post you copied & pasted, and I don't delete.  A number of posts in the thread are missing, putting my reply at the top.  So there is no context available at all.  Not exactly the best example to cite to prove a point.    I think this thread resulted in the OP being banned.  ~Donna

jennylee813

OP, no one was bashing your vow renewal - as PPs have said, it's those who feel entitled (for any number of reasons) to have a PPD only months, or a few years, after their 'real' wedding.

personally, I take offense when someone says they had a JOP wedding and are now planning their "real" wedding, and are upset because people aren't putting their lives on hold to help plan the PPD. That is upsetting. It makes it sound like those who choose JOP weddings aren't really married, or are less married than those who have church weddings.

To me, you are married when you say those vows. To do it again in a few months because your second cousin once removed is visiting from [insert obscure country here] and would like to see you get married is insulting and cheapens the moment.

That's what people here are upset about. Not about what you are planning. Please don't take it that way. You will see lots of posts that recommend waiting for a significant anniversary to have a vow renewal, and that's just what you're doing.

Congratulations on your milestone, and I hope that you have the celebration you want! You've earned it!

mjeffcoats

I'd like to say I'm sorry if I offended anyone yesterday.  I felt so bad last night thinking that I had that I was in tears. 

I have been angry, bitter and envious (irrational, I know) at times thorugh the years which is why my post came from an emotional place.  I felt defensive on behalf of some of the young ladies who may have innocently posted on this board and received somewhat harsh responses.  I now understand that this has been an ongoing issue on this board and I have not been here to see it.

I see that you ladies have been trying in vain to get TK to establish a vow renewal board which would be great for those in my position.  But would a legitimate vow renewal board be the appropriate forum for the spoiled, entitiled young women you speak of (who want do-overs).  I don't think they are in the same position as I am either.

I wanted to suggest that perhaps the "title" of this board can be misinterpreted. For years, I have planned to renew my vows at 25 years and always called it my "second wedding". Perhaps others have interpreted "second wedding" in the same way.  Not sure what the appropriate title would be...maybe "second marriage".  In my view, a wedding and a marriage are completely different. You can only get "married" once (legally) but the wedding is a big party/ceremony.  Some may come here thinking "I'm having a second wedding to the same guy so this is the right spot for me".

MikesAngie

mjeffcoats - Another reason we SW brides get so upset with the " the spoiled, entitiled young women you speak of (who want do-overs)", is that they trivialize what a lot of SW brides fear to do.  

A good number of women have come to this board and hesitantly asked - is it okay to wear the white dress, have a formal wedding, have multiple attendants, have a reception - etc because they fear they can't have those things if their first (or 2nd or ??) failed.

Those seeking "do-overs" (not vow renewals) take away from those who want to celebrate their love in a ceremony of their chosing to their new love, and it is in essence a first marriage - to that person.  Because as you stated you can only be legally married to the person you are currently married to once - all other "weddings" to that person are vow renewals. 

right1thistime

mjeff- you don't owe anyone an apology.  I certainly wasn't offended at all.  From my heart, I really hope you plan a beautiful & joyful celebration and that it soothes your aching heart.  ~Donna

Lisa50

I have ZERO animosity toward vow renewals which are part of wedding anniversary celebrations.  My grandparents renewed their vows on their 50th anniversary, as did my aunt and uncle.  My parents (married 52 years) chose not to renew their vows as part of their 25th anniversary party. 

I get enormous headaches when I hear variations on a theme of entitlement and regret over one's freely made choice to elope, go to a JP, etc., for fill-in-the-blank reason.  I'm a  huge fan of making choices and living with them happily.  So, when I read posts about creating a big "wedding" straight out of a TLC movie -- spending $$ they don't have -- and then pretend they're not even married/lie to their guests, it rubs me the wrong way. 

I do feel very insulted when women who want these "do overs" dismiss their ceremonies because they were short, simple ones.  My parents' ceremony was in the living room of a minister (his wife was their witness).  Theirs was a solid, loving marriage which began in a way many of the brides today declare not good enough. My respect for short, simple wedding ceremonies is immense.  I don't like it when those beginnings are looked down upon.

Honestly, I think you are right -- this board isn't necessarily the place for the do-over discussions.  Here's the text of an email I've sent to TK at least 6 times (with only one, canned response):

I am writing to recommend The Knot create a board dedicated to Vow Renewals. Too much friction, and not enough support, is created on the Second Wedding, Ceremony Ideas, Etiquette, Invites and Paper (and other) boards when the topic of re-do weddings arises.   These brides, who want to host re-do weddings, deserve their own forum.

Thank you for your consideration.

Lisa50

mjeffcoats

lisa50...if the intent of a vow renewal board would be to give the re-do brides a place to discuss and validate each other, then where would someone such as myself go to discuss my "legitimate" plans?  Of course, chances are good that they don't consider what they are doing as a vow renewal but as a wedding.

I would love if there were a board where other women who are in my position (married a long time) could discuss our unique challenges and get advice on planning anniversary/vow renewal ceremonies.  I feel like lumping the other "brides" who want re-do's in the same category somehow diminishes that as they would have nothing in common with me either.

I know anyone can post anywhere...it just seems that many on here think a vow renewal board would be a throw-away for the annoying ladies who want a do-over.

Jells2dot0

Mjeff- Just as an example, a lot of the women on here planning their second/third/etc weddings like posting here because it's not only a second/third/etc wedding, but they are at a totally different place in their lives. They are older, have older children, have older parents, etc and they just cannot find much in common with the younger brides who are planning first or even second weddings in their 20s or early 30s. A lot of those girls still want to have kids, still need to buy homes, etc. I actually happen to fall into that category- I'm 33. But, I have nothing in common with the younger crowd. I didn't want a huge wedding, my DH is 50, we're not having children, but rather focusing on sending his youngest off to college next year. His parents are older and need assistance with things and we're planning for retirement since his will be in the next ten years! I can't relate to a lot of my own personal friends because they are working on their first marriages, having kids, raising infants, etc.  So, I think in your case, and in your situation, posting here makes the most sense because of where you are at in life. You aren't really having a do-over, you're older, more established, planning a more down to earth event. There are exceptions to every rule and I know everyone on here would be more than happy to help you plan, especially because what you are planning is very similar to what most of us on here are doing. It just happens to be for different reasons

mjeffcoats

right1thistime eloquently recommended "trying to forgive my younger foolish self" (thank you for that BTW, it really helped).  I kind of look at these young "brides" as a version of my younger foollish self (or they could be my daughter!) and as such think that maybe when they post what may seem ridiulous to we who are presumably older and hopefully wiser, we take that into consideration and provide feedback that is direct and honest (but less BRUTALLY honest)

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_why-such-animosity-toward-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:62259e0d-64a8-4c6d-9bba-135ae314f531Post:ca3606b7-44b9-402e-af2f-1f9dbdc93eeb">Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal??</a>:
[QUOTE]lisa50...<strong><font color="#0000ff">if the intent of a vow renewal board would be to give the re-do brides a place to discuss and validate each other</font></strong>, then where would someone such as myself go to discuss my "legitimate" plans?  Of course, chances are good that they don't consider what they are doing as a vow renewal but as a wedding. I would love if there were a board where other women who are in my position (married a long time) could discuss our unique challenges and get advice on planning anniversary/vow renewal ceremonies.  I feel like lumping the other "brides" who want re-do's in the same category somehow diminishes that as they would have nothing in common with me either. I know anyone can post anywhere...it just seems that <font color="#0000ff"><strong>many on here think a vow renewal board would be a throw-away for the annoying ladies who want a do-over.</strong></font>
Posted by mjeffcoats[/QUOTE]

I haven't put much thought into the INTENT of a vow renewal board. I don't think intent much matters. I have suggested a vow renewal board because it would give a place for like-minded brides, those focused on vow renewals, to gather. 

It doesn't make a difference to me where anyone posts, but if TK can find a reason to create boards based on race, age, ethnicity, location, religion, settings, themes, etc., why not have a place which, by its title, would attract brides who are interested in vow renewals?  Just as those of us who've planned second (third/fourth, etc.) weddings have planned every type of ceremony imaginable, I bet there would be an amazing assortment of vow renewals (re-dos, anniversary celebrations, PPDs, etc) discussed within that forum. I would not consider it a throw away board at all.

Don't worry though, TK has never implemented a single suggestion I've made since I've been here.  There is <em>no</em> chance a vow renewal board will be created now that I've jumped on the bandwagon. As Retread said ... keep posting here.

emilyaaron2010

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I think everyone that is against someone renewing vows or as some of you call it "DO OVERS" needs to simply mind their own business.  There is NO book that states we all have to do what others say when it comes to our lives.  I got married at the courthouse because my step-daughter was molested and the money for the wedding went towards court fee's.  She was so upset that we couldn't get married we surprised her with a courthouse wedding.  Now after 5 years we are going to renew our vows and YES HAVE AN ACTUAL WEDDING WITH A WHITE DRESS AND EVERYTHING.  So for those of you that are listening to these idiots that feel that their wedding is superior to yours, STOP!!! They are just rude and need to get a life.  Have what ever wedding or do over you want...Have fun because you only live once, and remember this site is for EVERYONE not just perky first time brides that will never see their 10 year anniversary...This will be the last time I go to the community board TOO MANY DIVA"S!!!

handfast4me

Emilyaaron, please read the entire thread.  No one here is against a vow renewal, it's the "do overs"  1 to 2 months or years after a wedding, when the people involved call it a "real wedding" or "actual wedding" because those folks are ALREADY married.  This sort of thing is insulting to those of us who chose to do a simple wedding, and insinuates that we aren't "really married" because we didn't have the big throw-down.  In fact, many of these women come here because they're confused on why this board exists; it exists for those of us who have lost our spouses to death or divorce (or, in some cases, both).   We don't feel that our wedding is superior to theirs, we feel that by having these do-overs, it cheapens the entire thing, and that this sense of entitlement is leading to many other problems, here and in society in general.  I, in particular, bristle at the thought that my simple, beach wedding, with just my DH, was somehow less of a wedding than a big, complicated, formal affair. 

I also bristle at the statement of "this will be my last wedding" too, but that's because all of us here hope we've found happiness, but in the event my DH should (goddess forbid) die, or want to live his life without me, I hope that I can find another person with whom I'd like to share my life.  I would find it incredibly sad to know that I would have to spend the next 30 to 40 years of my life alone, just because I wanted to make sure that this was my "last wedding." 

Lisa50

Is emilyaaron2010 an AE for the OP, who seems to have disappeared?  Yikes!  I feel a headache coming on ...

Ckfragall

I have to admit I have some of the same fears. My husband and I had a small wedding for our first wedding because at that time in our lives that is what we could afford. We had made plans to have our "dream wedding" when we hit 25 years and could reasonably afford it. Well it's 19 years and I'm am planning it. My husband has been diagnosed with progressive MS and we are not even sure he will be here at our 25 th. our children will be our wedding party and my grandson will be our ring bearer. I have a new ring for him as a surprise. I am planning a sit down reception with the works. I am a little apprehensive about what people will think...but honestly I really don't give a darn. I know there are unspoken rules on when and when not to have a vow renewal I get that, but my husband is my life. Our love has definitely been tested with the evils of this world, from my husband being assaulted and being in a trama unit for over a week, to the death of a child, to the loss of my parents. You should be planning whatever kind of celebration you want. If your family and friends have issues with it that is on them. If it turns out that the only ones that show up to our vow renewal are my husband myself and our kids...so be it. We will still celebrate like no ones business and be eating leftover for a month. My point is...stay true to you...the rest will fall inline.

Doingitoutside2013

Call it whatever you want. Wear whatever you want. Eat whatever you want. Dance to whatever you want. If your friends and family members want to throw away your old granny panties and have a party to give you new sexy ones...have as much fun as you want. Be as embarrassed as you want. Then be as freaky as you want. Traditions change and etiquette is adjusted accordingly. Do what feels right to you. Live life to the fullest while you and your sweetie can...no regrets! May we all have a lasting marriage that we will want to celebrate and renew one day!

Ckfragall

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_why-such-animosity-toward-vow-renewal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:62259e0d-64a8-4c6d-9bba-135ae314f531Post:348f5be0-e87a-41e8-83d1-0fa22b42cf3b">Re: why such animosity toward vow renewal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Call it whatever you want. Wear whatever you want. Eat whatever you want. Dance to whatever you want. If your friends and family members want to throw away your old granny panties and have a party to give you new sexy ones...have as much fun as you want. Be as embarrassed as you want. Then be as freaky as you want.

Traditions change and etiquette is adjusted accordingly. Do what feels right to you.

Live life to the fullest while you and your sweetie can...no regrets!

May we all have a lasting marriage that we will want to celebrate and renew one day!
Posted by Doingitoutside2013[/QUOTE]




Thank you for your kindness. I want this day to be very special. I want it to be a time of love and laughter. I'm not sure how much longer I will have my husband. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. We've been together for almost 22 years this months ( married for 18) I just want it to be a good memory night for all of us.

lovechild78

Do whatever You want to do! Its your vow renewal. CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE!!!  My hubby and I our doing a vow renewal on our 7 year anniversary. We are doing it the way we want, and yes, I am wearing a wedding gown, and I you know who cares what other people think. It's for me and my hubby. We never had a real wedding I always dreamed of. We didnt have the money then, and we didnt have family with us then. I think being married for years and then having a vow renewal is special.  Just because other people think something shouldn't be a certain way, doesn't mean they are right!!!  When it comes down to it, do what makes you happy!!!