Alternatives to having bridesmaids - with help from our friends

MissRose80

I love my friends but don't want to dress them in matching dresses. My fiance and I are getting married in a field and want to be as low maintenance as possible. So I really don't want to have bridesmaids, but want to 'honor' my fiance's sisters with other duties /lead roles in various activities. I would also like to have my friends plan things like flowers or music, but without putting too many burdens on them (some of them love "crafting" and are very organized, so I trust them).

Does anyone have suggestions of how to deal with this issue to avoid offending anyone and without having to do everything myself? I am not a great event planner so I do need help. 

Thanks for your suggestions and ideas!!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_alternatives-having-bridesmaids-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:42b6f374-81ae-4b80-9640-0d1874b8973bPost:3a87a5bb-4cac-4977-b6be-6b8eb325c4ad">Alternatives to having bridesmaids - with help from our friends</a>:
[QUOTE]I love my friends but don't want to dress them in matching dresses. My fiance and I are getting married in a field and want to be as low maintenance as possible. So I really don't want to have bridesmaids, but want to 'honor' my fiance's sisters with other duties /lead roles in various activities. I would also like to have my friends plan things like flowers or music, but without putting too many burdens on them (some of them love "crafting" and are very organized, so I trust them). Does anyone have suggestions of how to deal with this issue to avoid offending anyone and without having to do everything myself? I am not a great event planner so I do need help.  Thanks for your suggestions and ideas!!
Posted by MissRose80[/QUOTE]

<div>The only other honors when it comes to being involve with the wedding is Ushers (which either gender can be), Readers, or if they are musically talented play or sing during the ceremony. </div><div>
</div><div>Basically, I would leave anything you do an open invitation and leave it up to them if they want to be involve with certain wedding things. If they can't or do not want to help they certainly do not have to since it's not their wedding. If you really stress about not being organize there are professional event planner/wedding coordinators out there to assist you. </div>

aerinpegadrak

Bridesmaids =/= wedding planners.  If your friends are your bridesmaids, they're under no obligation to manage your flowers, music, etc.  Conversely, if they WANT to help with that stuff, they can without having any sort of official title or role.  But just being crafty and organized doesn't mean they're going to want to take over your wedding for you.  I'm fairly crafty and organized, but I'm also a busy person and couldn't possibly take care of someone's entire wedding for them.  The only people obligated to help you plan your wedding are your FI and a paid wedding planner if you hire one.

Also note that bridesmaids don't have to wear matching dresses.  I just told my girls to wear any black dress and whatever accessories they wished (within our color scheme), and it was entirely drama-free.  If you really would prefer not to have bridesmaids that's a perfectly legitimate choice, but skipping them just because you don't want to pick a dress is kind of lame.

As far as the sisters, also remember that honr =/= duty/job.  It's not "honoring" someone to make them work at your wedding.  Guest is an honor too.  Since they're your FI's sisters, he would probably know what best to do with them (including if he wants them to stand up as his attendants).

MissRose80

Good suggestions re: reading and being ushers. Thanks.

Regarding my friends though if they express interest in helping could I have them do something simple like get a bunch of wildflowers and put them in jars? 

I guess I don't understand what bridesmaids do besides posing together and planning shower and bachelorette parties. Is there a function they perform that I am missing by not having bridesmaids? My sister is not very enthusiastic about being a maid of honor, which I asked her about by phone ... She has been a bridesmaid three times recently so maybe that's why her enthusiasm for weddings has waned.

aerinpegadrak

Basically the bridesmaids just stand up there with you at the ceremony.  It's a way for the couple to recognize the people who are closest to them.  They can plan a shower and/or a bachelorette party if they choose, but they're not required to, and anyone can do that, bridesmaid or not.

If people express an interest in helping, you can absolutely find something for them to do, but it's best to let them approach you.  I had a lot of people help with the wedding, but they always offered without my asking for anything.

If you've already asked your sister to be your MOH, then it would be a major insult to decide that you don't want attendants after all.  No one is ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you (and hopefully your FI).  Just because she's not pumping you for details or beside herself at her venue choice doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be a part of it when the time comes.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_alternatives-having-bridesmaids-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:42b6f374-81ae-4b80-9640-0d1874b8973bPost:4316ecba-203b-4756-981c-b8826060d753">Re: Alternatives to having bridesmaids - with help from our friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Good suggestions re: reading and being ushers. Thanks. Regarding my friends though if they express interest in helping could I have them do something simple like get a bunch of wildflowers and put them in jars?  I guess I don't understand what bridesmaids do besides posing together and planning shower and bachelorette parties. Is there a function they perform that I am missing by not having bridesmaids? My sister is not very enthusiastic about being a maid of honor, which I asked her about by phone ... She has been a bridesmaid three times recently so maybe that's why her enthusiasm for weddings has waned.
Posted by MissRose80[/QUOTE]

Some brides think their BMs need to do additional "duties," which may be why your sister is no longer excited about the prospect.  They aren't required to do anything other than stand next to you, but they may choose to.

Really, it's just an honor position.  If you want to honor your friends then ask them to be BMs, or do readings, or whatever.  If you want them standing next to you, you don't have to force them to buy matching dresses.  They can stand next to you in whatever they want to wear, or you can pick a color and let them choose any dress in that color, or whatever.

trix1223

If you need help planning or executing your wedding, hire a wedding planner.  Contrary to what many who come asking questions on this board (NOT saying you do, but many)believe,  WP means Wedding Party, not Wedding Planners.

GL

Muffin'sMom

They said it all above.  If your friends offer to help...awesome.  I don't want to sound mean, but your original post makes it sound like you are not into planning and want to offload the actual work onto someone else.  Not cool...really.

heyimbren

The point of having BMs is more of an honour TO them, rather than providing the bride with people to help her. They're those who are closest to you, that you particularly want to honour in public for being a part of your life on this special day.

If they come up to you and say "Hey, what can I do to help you out with the wedding?" Then you gracefully accept that offer of help. But don't ask them. Also, asking someone to be a part of the ceremony is more like working than being a BM or GM. Some people really enjoy that, but others don't.