Are you paying or not paying??

lefebvres4

My soon to be in laws have had a habit during this wedding planning time with saying they are going to pay for certian aspects of the wedding or cermony and then unexpectantly not paying at the time of deposit or payment.

Most recently, we went for suits for my fiance..His parents offered to pay but when it came time to cash out, they only paid for themselves.

Im not really sure what to do about this. Ive known my fiancee family for 10+ years. I dont think money is much of an issue. But Im frusterated by this flip flop of "Im paying..No your paying" deal beacuse in this most recent occasion, I was not prepared for that bill.

Should I just let it go? I feel if I question it, it can make for a akward situation or issues.

renegade gaucho

Going forward, plan on paying for everything yourselves.  Obviously, their word is not reliable, so don't rely on it unless they physically give the cash to you.  In the future, when they offer to pay for something, politely turn them down.

Simply Fated

I agree with pp.
Plan to pay for everything else yourself, even if they offer because they have a habit of just letting you down, anyway.

Don't bring it up with them, though. They know what they're doing, why cause drama, ya know?

GoodLuckBear14

Dont' count on any money until it is in your bank account or their signatures are on vendor contracts.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_are-you-paying-or-not-paying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:38f322d0-c1f5-42f3-bd7c-776b39f6f78bPost:c85fb8a9-124d-4339-bdc5-181149260d7a">Re: Are you paying or not paying??</a>:
[QUOTE]Dont' count on any money until it is in your bank account or their signatures are on vendor contracts.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]
Yep, all of this. My parents promised me a large gift to go towards our wedding, but I didn't account for it until the check was cleared. 

kmmssg

Plan everything according to what you can afford.  They are making a statement here since they have done this more than once.

ElisabethJoanne

This isn't for you to deal with. It's for your fiance.

My future in-laws are similar. They agreed to pay for flowers, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon before we were even publicly engaged, and they had the cost estimates. But they have a really hard time pulling the trigger and making actual plans. It's not about the money; it's just unusual family dynamics.

So, first, talk with your fiance. Is this behavior normal from his parents? Can he think of another issue that's the reason? Maybe there's some mixed signals about whether you want them to pay. Maybe they think you want to show you can do it yourselves. There could be some weird feelings about cash, credit cards, or check books. Maybe they somehow think you'll send them all the receipts at once shortly after the wedding. I'm totally guessing, but I learn something surprising about how families can work every week.

Then, make a plan. Does your fiance need to talk to his parents to clarify what they're thinking/feeling? Are they just flaky and you should take PPs advice?

Lisa50

Your frustration will disappear if you decide, here and now, that you and your fiance are paying for everything (except the attendants' attire). 

Less frustration = less tension.  Less tension = greater peace.

Good luck!

boomboom1243

I always find it interestign when people dont say talk about money with your family I see why you wouldnt takl to his family but there should be no reason why your fiancee cant  to ask if they are going to pay now that the bill is here .   when its between mother/father and son or mother/father and dauther I dont think its a big deal if you ask them hey you offered to pay for this its costing this much are you able to do it now or somehting like that. i mean its your family and getting angry at them for breaking promises is worse than asking if they would like to contribute now when they said they would

2012FutureMrsB

I'm wondering if there was a miscommunication and they were just offering to pay for themselves, but it came out as though they were offering to pay for everyone? I don't know, just an idea. Maybe they have poor communication skills?

maccor16

I know how you feel my FI parents have volunteered to pay for different things, and when it comes time to pay it they don't.  Imo I wish my FI parents would just stop saying they will pay for things and then not.  I have just been planning on paying for everything because I felt like this might happen.  I wouldn't say anything.   If they do it again like PP said politely turn them down.

transcriber87

I bought my dress, my daughters dress who is my little flower girl, the flower girl basket, guest book and FI wedding band and my Mom is paying for everything else.  She wants to, Im the only child, work part time so she knows I don't have a lot of funds.  So has no problem with it..she readily whips out the credit card or checkbook...Now as for FI, he is paying for his tux, the license, the preacher and his Moms corsage and his GM boots...His father just passed away about 1 month ago but even if he were alive, they were not paying for anything..There will not be a rehearsal dinner in the future..FI Mom is pretty much living paycheck to paycheck so its pretty much my Mom getting everything..Thank heavens and thanks Mom!