5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN

JaiteJanerico

I just need to vent...

When my FI and I first got engaged we talked about potential wedding party.  We based the number of people off the guys he wanted in the wedding.  We settled on 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen.  I quickly asked my ladies to be in the wedding, and he has still yet to ask all his people and we're less than 5 months away from the wedding.  Then he tells me this past weekend, he doesn't want any groomsmen!  WTF!  I could have smacked him.  I don't understand why he doesn't want any, because he can't verbally express why.  He has a group of friends that have been close since they were young, so it's not like he doesn't have options.  I can't make him ask people and I guess it's his wedding to, so I just have to suck it up.  However, I am not going to ditch my bridesmaids, since I asked them ages ago and some of them already have their dresses.  I guess we'll just have to look lopsided, and I'll have to have my girls sit instead of stand.  MEN!

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:bfcb1dfa-822b-42ce-85fb-244e61771442">5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]I just need to vent... When my FI and I first got engaged we talked about potential wedding party.  We based the number of people off the guys he wanted in the wedding.  We settled on 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen.  I quickly asked my ladies to be in the wedding, and he has still yet to ask anyone and we're less than 5 months away from the wedding.  Then he tells me this past weekend, he doesn't want any groomsmen!  WTF!  I could have smacked him.  I don't understand why he doesn't want any, because he can't verbally express why.  He has a group of friends that have been close since they were young, so it's not like he doesn't have options.  I can't make him ask people and I guess it's his wedding to, so I just have to suck it up.  However, I am not going to ditch my bridesmaids, since I asked them ages ago and some of them already have their dresses.  I guess we'll just have to look lopsided, and I'll have to have my girls sit instead of stand.  MEN!
Posted by JaiteJanerico[/QUOTE]

Why does this make you mad at him? You still get to honor your friends by having them in your wedding, and he gets to do what he wants. Both sides win here.

No one will care that it's lopsided. Really not a big deal at all. And while it's fine to have your friends sit in the front row if that's what you prefer, it would also be find to have them stand and just be on your side. Because again, not a big deal.

Manwaithiel

Umm, his side is none of your business, so you just need to stay out of it and not get mad at him.

Problem solved.

mbcdefg

If he already asked these five guys to be groomsmen, and then he told them, "Nah, nevermind, I don't want groomsmen anymore," then I agree with you. I'd be mad at that as well, because it's a crappy thing to do to his friends.

But if he just told YOU that he'd ask five guys, and then never asked them and told you that he'd changed his mind ... WTF are you so upset about in that case? You can still have your five bridesmaids, and they can still stand up for the ceremony as you originally planned. He isn't required to have a matching set of groomsmen, or ANY attendants for that matter. Nobody will care if your bridal party is uneven. You're making this into a giant problem when it absolutely does not have to be. Chill out.

SarahPLiz

I had 2 women on my side and H had one on his, in a different color dress that I hated the idea of until I saw it on her:

But I don't think anything looked lopsided at all. It looked like our closest friends and family members were standing next to us, supporting our union. Nothing more and nothing less. Don't lose sight of the purpose of a wedding party. 

aerinpegadrak

Why does it bother you so much that you're actually angry at your FI about this?  Just because you think it might look weird?  Seriously?  I think you really need to reassess your priorities if you think this is something worth fighting over.

Robyn5298

I totally get why you're frustrated.  You and your fiance had your discussion about what your bridal party was going to be and he let you move forward and ask your 5 bridesmaids.  If he had originally said, "you know, I really don't want any groomsmen" you might have thought it over and decided to skip the bridal party altogether, or only ask one girl, etc.

I think you have every right to be irritated with your fiance - I would be if I were you.  But I also think you have a great plan going - vent and move on as planned.  I promise you, your wedding will still be wonderful with 5 bridesmaids and no groomsmen!

filaw

I get the frustration of feeling ambushed.  And worrying that people will think poorly of you with such a "wacky" WP.  I understand your disappointed and probably anxious, and it must be hard feeling like he could fix it all if he just did what he said he would, especially when he can't make you understand why he doesn't want to.

All that being said, as much as I understand your moment of emotion and need to vent.  I also want to reaffirm what PP have said, that this is totally going to be fine.  It feels like it matters so much right now, but once you give yourself time to adjust to it and gain some perspective, I think you'll find that it totally won't matter.  Just keep reminding yourself that the most important thing is that both of you feel comfortable.

Maybe once you've given yourself some time to calm down about it, you could try to ask him again why again?  It might help you if you could understand where he's coming from.  But I would recommend only doing that once you've gotten okay with it yourself.  You want to approach it from a true desire to understand, otherwise he might feel threatened by the question and think that it's coming from a place of "attack" rather than genuine desire for understand.  You know?

fishfingers&custard

You could keep your 5 bridesmaids and have a couple of them stand on his side to make it look less lopsided if that is what you are worried about.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:3c80790f-ca62-401d-92db-994c795c0e62">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]You could keep your 5 bridesmaids and have a couple of them stand on his side to make it look less lopsided if that is what you are worried about.
Posted by Lindsayt26[/QUOTE]

If he didn't want anyone on his side in the first place, it's going to make even less sense to have the bride's friends standing next to him.

The OP just needs to allow herself to be grumpy for another couple of hours and then let this go.  I guarantee there is not a single guest who is going to run screaming from the ceremony because the sides are uneven.

WPs are NOT at all about symmetry.  They are about having those you care most about stand next to you on your wedding day.

JaiteJanerico

I appreciate those of you who didn't take the snippy stand point.  I guess the whole "those without sin should cast the first stone" doesn't apply to some of you.

Anyway, he DID ask some people to be in the wedding AND he has talked to his some of his friends about it.  He also said he wanted NO wedding part at all.  So I beleive I have the right to be frustrated.  He's asking me to renig my request for my best friends and sister to stand beside me on the most important day of my life thus far.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:507b122a-f919-4a0a-aed6-b9f274a305cb">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate those of you who didn't take the snippy stand point.  I guess the whole "those without sin should cast the first stone" doesn't apply to some of you. <strong>Anyway, he DID ask some people to be in the wedding AND he has talked to his some of his friends about it.</strong>  He also said he wanted NO wedding part at all.  So I beleive I have the right to be frustrated.  <strong>He's asking me to renig my request for my best friends and sister to stand beside me on the most important day of my life thus far.</strong>
Posted by JaiteJanerico[/QUOTE]

This is really relevant information that would have been useful in your original post. Him choosing not to ask any GMs is totally a different thing from him screwing over his friends and asking you to screw over yours. Please tell him that he's being a jerk to rescind an offer like that and that you are in no way going to be as rude as he was.

Beyond that, my original advice stands: 5 on one side vs. 0 on the other isn't a big deal. It'll look just fine.

JaiteJanerico

EmilyinChile: In the haste of venting I neglected that critical point.  My apologies for my oversight.  (P.S. Fabulous picture!)

If he had originally said that he did not want a wedding party I would have totally been fine with that, but to come up, at what feels like the eleventh hour, and make this decision is something I feel justified at being irritated at.  I love the idea of it just being me and him standing up there, which now it will be, so I would have been on board with not asking anyone.  However, that isn't the way it went down.  I have BMs who have already purchased dresses!  I think he feels it's an inconvenience to his friends, even though I know they've told him the opposite.  His would be best man even told him to get a move on it and officially ask the rest of the guys.  I don't think it would frustrate me so much if he wasn't changing his mind every other day, and I mean that literally.  One day he'll want a band, so we contact a band, then the next day he wants a DJ, so I find a DJ and pay a deposit, only for him to say the following day "I really wish we were having a band."   Those of you who have planned big weddings by yourself will know it's stressful.  My FI knows this too, but he just doesn’t seem to understand what changing his mind does to the already high stress level.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:757072ce-3657-4178-a1fa-88f55f659930">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]EmilyinChile: In the haste of venting I neglected that critical point.  My apologies for my oversight.  (P.S. Fabulous picture!) If he had originally said that he did not want a wedding party I would have totally been fine with that, but to come up, at what feels like the eleventh hour, and make this decision is something I feel justified at being irritated at.  I love the idea of it just being me and him standing up there, which now it will be, so I would have been on board with not asking anyone.  However, that isn't the way it went down.  <strong>I have BMs who have already purchased dresses!</strong>  I think he feels it's an inconvenience to his friends, even though I know they've told him the opposite.  His would be best man even told him to get a move on it and officially ask the rest of the guys.  <strong>I don't think it would frustrate me so much if he wasn't changing his mind every other day, and I mean that literally. </strong> <strong>One day he'll want a band, so we contact a band, then the next day he wants a DJ, so I find a DJ and pay a deposit, only for him to say the following day "I really wish we were having a band." </strong>  Those of you who have planned big weddings by yourself will know it's stressful.  My FI knows this too, but he just doesn’t seem to understand what changing his mind does to the already high stress level.
Posted by JaiteJanerico[/QUOTE]
Planning a wedding isn't inherently stressful.  Your stress is coming from the fact that you and your FI seem to have, as they say in <em>Cool Hand Luke</em>, "a failure to communicate."  He makes what seem to be offhand remarks and you rush out and book a DJ.  He says he wants a WP and you go out and ask people.  I get the impression (and correct me if I'm wrong--I'm just saying this based on what I'm reading) that he sort of says what's on his mind but it isn't necessarily his decision, and you interpret it as the decision.  My DH can be like that on things sometimes, too, so I get why this is frustrating--he'll say, "We should do XYZ" and he means it abstractly, and I'll sometimes interpret it literally.  But something we do that I get the impression you and your FI aren't doing is sitting down and talking about what you want and what you don't want, reaching an agreement, and deciding to take action.  Whenever DH says, "We should do XYZ" I don't run out and do XYZ.  We talk about it.<div>
</div><div>Like I said, I could be wrong about all the above, but as a disinterested third party, those are my impressions.
<div>
</div><div>I think you have a communication problem, not a wedding problem.  You and your FI could maybe use some pre-marital counseling to help communicate your needs, frustrations, wants, etc. because I'm getting the impression that you two talk past each other yet you don't realize it until it's too late.  Pre-marital counseling is never a bad idea (that's what your energy should be spent on during the engagement, btw--working out the kinks in the relationship, not planning the wedding) and I think the two of you might benefit from it.</div></div>

JaiteJanerico

Believe it or not I am pretty mellow about this.  I needed an outlet to vent, since I don't want to go all excorcist on my FI.  I think it just struck a sour note with me when I you go to what you think is a safe place with a potentially sympathic ear, and to have some people (not you inparticular) tell you that what your feeling is unjustified and ridiculous.

I feel like if he could say "This is important to me because..." then I could maybe (and that's a big maybe) go and talk to my ladies and explain to them why things have changed. (I'd reimburse then for the dresses, of course).  BUT when I ask him why he's response is "I don't know.  I just don't want them" is pretty frustrating.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:c4e6b51f-911f-4a8e-ab23-a1676b08e373">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]Believe it or not I am pretty mellow about this.  I needed an outlet to vent, since I don't want to go all excorcist on my FI.  I think it just struck a sour note with me when I you go to what you think is a safe place with a potentially sympathic ear, and to have some people (not you inparticular) tell you that what your feeling is unjustified and ridiculous. <strong>I feel like if he could say "This is important to me because..." then I could maybe (and that's a big maybe) go and talk to my ladies and explain to them why things have changed. (I'd reimburse then for the dresses, of course).  BUT when I ask him why he's response is "I don't know.  I just don't want them" is pretty frustrating.</strong>
Posted by JaiteJanerico[/QUOTE]
I say again: communication.  He doesn't seem to understand how his decisions impact you, and you don't understand his reasons.  He's also asking you to do something really unfair (for the record, I don't think you should change up your side of the aisle--what happens when your FI changes his mind yet again?).  I also see you not standing up for what you want--it's like whatever he wants is what happens.<div>
</div><div>I truly think some pre-marital counseling would go a long way with this.  Believe it or not, this isn't a normal system of communication, and again, speaking as an outsider with no personal knowledge, it raises a couple of red flags for me.</div><div>
</div><div>There are couples that get swept up in wedding planning and couples that get swept up in each other.  If the two of you are so focused on the wedding that you're missing some relationship clues, that's s a problem.  I won't judge whether you are or not, but based on what you're writing I would say it's time to pause the party planning and focus on each other, your relationship, and your future.  These are problems that won't just disappear with marriage.</div>

JaiteJanerico

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:53c0741a-ff70-4401-9f11-62ada691f6ba">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN : Planning a wedding isn't inherently stressful.  Your stress is coming from the fact that you and your FI seem to have, as they say in Cool Hand Luke , "a failure to communicate." <strong> He makes what seem to be offhand remarks and you rush out and book a DJ.  He says he wants a WP and you go out and ask people.  </strong>I get the impression (and correct me if I'm wrong--I'm just saying this based on what I'm reading) that he sort of says what's on his mind but it isn't necessarily his decision, and you interpret it as the decision.  My DH can be like that on things sometimes, too, so I get why this is frustrating--he'll say, "We should do XYZ" and he means it abstractly, and I'll sometimes interpret it literally.  But something we do that I get the impression you and your FI aren't doing is sitting down and talking about what you want and what you don't want, reaching an agreement, and deciding to take action.  Whenever DH says, "We should do XYZ" I don't run out and do XYZ.  We talk about it. Like I said, I could be wrong about all the above, but as a disinterested third party, those are my impressions. I think you have a communication problem, not a wedding problem.  You and your FI could maybe use some pre-marital counseling to help communicate your needs, frustrations, wants, etc. because I'm getting the impression that <strong>you two talk past each other yet you don't realize it until it's too late.</strong>  Pre-marital counseling is never a bad idea (that's what your energy should be spent on during the engagement, btw--working out the kinks in the relationship, not planning the wedding) and I think the two of you might benefit from it.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]


There's a lot of assuming based off a few post.  I think I am portraying my FI and I as unstable, which in fact is completely false.  We're laid back in our normal life. Neither one of us solely "wears the pants".  We are insync on most everything, because we've been together for a long time.  We rarely fight, but will bicker from time to time, but we don't hold grudges.  But this wedding is a totally different beast. On the outside I seem calm, but inside I am screaming.  So I thought I could vent here without seeming like a crazy person.

If you ask pretty much anyone, even my FI, about how much of a Bridezilla I am they'd say about 0%, but I do have a Groomzilla on my hands.  We have wedding meetings, and serious discussions about what we want the day to be like.  We have talked this wedding to death, but that doesn't mean there won't be stress caused by planning it. 

The decisions that are being made aren't based off of some off-hand comments made by him.  He researches stuff online, talks to his best friend, and has pre-formed ideas about what he wants witht his wedding.  I didn't mean he literally changes his mind daily, but he does change it frequently.  He wanted a band so I arranged for a band that fell through, then he found a band, but we found out that they weren't that great.  So he after talking to his Best Friend (and once planned Best Man) who just got married and had a DJ, he decided he wanted a DJ.  After giving him a week to change his mind he didn't, so I booked a DJ, but called him to double check before paying the deposit.  He even made a playlist for the guy.  Then he looks at me a month or so after I paid the deposit and says "I really wish we were having a band instead."   So no, I am not taking off-hand comments and running with them.  He's just changes his mind constantly, which he doesn't see as a problem because he's not the one who has to make his ideas a reality.  He's the one who keeps saying certain things are non-negotiable when it comes to this wedding, and I am okay with most of it as it's his wedding to, but this one thing just got to me.  To change his mind about our wedding party is the MOTHER OF ALL CHANGES!  So in an effort to keep the gray hair at bay, I took to theknot to vent.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:d4723dc4-b49a-472d-882b-3982077c4f6f">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN : There's a lot of assuming based off a few post.  I think I am portraying my FI and I as unstable, which in fact is completely false.  We're laid back in our normal life. Neither one of us solely "wears the pants".  We are insync on most everything, because we've been together for a long time.  We rarely fight, but will bicker from time to time, but we don't hold grudges.  But this wedding is a totally different beast. On the outside I seem calm, but inside I am screaming.  So I thought I could vent here without seeming like a crazy person. If you ask pretty much anyone, even my FI, about how much of a Bridezilla I am they'd say about 0%, but I do have a Groomzilla on my hands.  We have wedding meetings, and serious discussions about what we want the day to be like.  We have talked this wedding to death, but that doesn't mean there won't be stress caused by planning it.  The decisions that are being made aren't based off of some off-hand comments made by him.  He researches stuff online, talks to his best friend, and has pre-formed ideas about what he wants witht his wedding.  I didn't mean he literally changes his mind daily, but he does change it frequently.  He wanted a band so I arranged for a band that fell through, then he found a band, but we found out that they weren't that great.  So he after talking to his Best Friend (and once planned Best Man) who just got married and had a DJ, he decided he wanted a DJ.  After giving him a week to change his mind he didn't, so I booked a DJ, but called him to double check before paying the deposit.  He even made a playlist for the guy.  Then he looks at me a month or so after I paid the deposit and says "I really wish we were having a band instead."   So no, I am not taking off-hand comments and running with them.  <strong>He's just changes his mind constantly, which he doesn't see as a problem because he's not the one who has to make his ideas a reality.  He's the one who keeps saying certain things are non-negotiable when it comes to this wedding, and I am okay with most of it as it's his wedding to, but this one thing just got to me.</strong>  To change his mind about our wedding party is the MOTHER OF ALL CHANGES!  So in an effort to keep the gray hair at bay, I took to theknot to vent.
Posted by JaiteJanerico[/QUOTE]
Reread the bold part and pretend that someone else is saying it.  Would you agree that the relationship is going smoothly, or would you say, "Those two need to learn how to talk to each other."  I obviously don't know you or the details, but I say again; these are not normal wedding planning things, you aren't standing up for yourself and he is telling you that "certain things are non-negotiable when it comes to the wedding."  It sounds like a much larger issue manifesting itself here.  I'm not saying call off the wedding, but I am saying call a time-out on wedding planning so that you get this sorted.  This is a communication problem and I don't think I'm making terribly huge leaps here.  I'd be defensive if someone were saying it to me, and I'd tell them they were crazy and didn't know what they were talking about, but in the back of my mind I'd be thinking about it.  I hope that you're at least thinking about it and entertaining the possibility that you may need some help talking to each other.

JaiteJanerico

<p class="MsoNormal">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:f5556dce-ba14-4e52-acfc-2fa3dba27cfc">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]I.  He doesn't seem to understand how his decisions impact you, and you don't understand his reasons.  He's also asking you to do something really unfair (for the record, I don't think you should change up your side of the aisle--what happens when your FI changes his mind yet again?). [/QUOTE]

Your totally on par with this.  I've been told that if you can survive planning a wedding and buying/building a home as a couple then you can survive anything.  We are/did both at the same time.  We normally have no problem expressing our feelings and communicating our wants and needs, but when it comes to the wedding there seems to be a breakdown in communication.  I will admit that a lot of the wedding is turning how out how I always planned and not how he did, but I never made any decisions without discussing it with him.  He's been there for every decision.  I think he's sucking up a lot for me to have what I want, and I am grateful for his thoughtfulness.  But he didn't consider me when he changed his mind about the WP, and I am having a hard time understand his decision.  It's minor in the grand scheme of life, but major in the grand scheme of the wedding.  I'll move past it, but I needed it vent so I didn't bottle it up and let it double up with something else that may irritate me in the future.  I don't believe in dragging up stuff that happened in the past, so I needed to get it off my chest since it's in the present.  I don't think a breakdown in communication over wedding planning warrants pre-marital consoling, but I do thank you for the suggestion as it was a thoughtful one.</p>

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:3cec7876-f564-4952-834b-98f46c741449">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN : Your totally on par with this. <strong> I've been told that if you can survive planning a wedding and buying/building a home as a couple then you can survive anything. </strong> We are/did both at the same time.  We normally have no problem expressing our feelings and communicating our wants and needs, but when it comes to the wedding there seems to be a breakdown in communication.  I will admit that a lot of the wedding is turning how out how I always planned and not how he did, but I never made any decisions without discussing it with him.  He's been there for every decision.  I think he's sucking up a lot for me to have what I want, and I am grateful for his thoughtfulness.  But he didn't consider me when he changed his mind about the WP, and I am having a hard time understand his decision.  It's minor in the grand scheme of life, but major in the grand scheme of the wedding.  I'll move past it, but I needed it vent so I didn't bottle it up and let it double up with something else that may irritate me in the future.  I don't believe in dragging up stuff that happened in the past, so I needed to get it off my chest since it's in the present.  I don't think a breakdown in communication over wedding planning warrants pre-marital consoling, but I do thank you for the suggestion as it was a thoughtful one.
Posted by JaiteJanerico[/QUOTE]
I'm going to disagree with the wedding planning part of what you said.  Wedding planning just isn't a big deal, though DH and I had much bigger things going on during our engagement and we truly believe that surviving those mean we can survive anything (moving cross-country, him not being able to find work due to the then-brand-new recession, me in my first year of law school, absolutely no income for a year).  So my perspective on what makes for stress is a bit different, and my bar is quite high.  Nevertheless I think it's insane to drive yourselves crazy over what is, when all is said and done, a glorified dinner party.  <div>
</div><div>I hope you two are able to work through this.  Like I said, pre-marital counseling is something everyone should do (DH and I did it, it's why I recommend it) because that, to me, is the point of an engagement period: getting all your ducks in a row before you sign up for something that is very difficult to back out of.</div><div>
</div><div>I just realized how "businesslike" I sound about the whole thing.  I swear I used to be a romantic.</div>

JaiteJanerico

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:a20cd7a5-0957-45f2-8e83-d5a6b7bc6f98">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]Saying "You have a communication problem" isn't implying that you're unstable or that your relationship is on the skids.  The vast majority of couples really don't know how to communicate well, not without hard work and lots of help.  It's not an admission of defeat or anything to go through pre-marital counseling; many churches actually require it before they'll marry you.  But without being able to clearly and effectively communicate with each other, you're sunk.  Sorry, but it's true. <strong> A wedding is just a party, planning it is not inherently stressful.  You're going to encounter much worse times in your life, I guarantee, and if this is how you guys handle what is supposed to be a happy time, what are you going to do when things are actually rough?</strong>
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

I understand your point; however, we've been through rough times.  I supported him while he was in grad school and for six months after he graduated while he was looking for a job, he was there when my grandmother, he moved from New England down my native South when I got a new position, we bought a house together, and we survived.  So we know how to weather storms. 

I am assuming you're either engaged or married if you're on theknot.com.  Has there never been a moment in time, even if it was brief, that you and your significant other didn't see eye-to-eye, and didn't resolve the issue the very instant it presented itself?  If so, I would hope you would understand that sometimes we can overreact, be more sensistive than normal, or not effectively communicate our feelings.  If not, then I consider you one of the luckiest people in the world.

We got engaged over ten months ago, which means we have been planning this wedding for roughly nine months.  In those nine months two things have been stressful.  The first , and most stressful, being trying to decided whether or not we should keep the money and elope or have a wedding.  Obviously, we decided on wedding, and we reached that decision mutually.  The other being, this spontaneous no WP declaration.  So I don't think that losing my marbles once in nine months over a decision that happened 36 hours ago means we can't communicate.  As I said in an early post , "It's minor in the grand scheme of life, but major in the grand scheme of the wedding."

JaiteJanerico

Can you understand my being defensive?  I have perfect strangers judging my relationship, and telling me that there's issues I can't even see and is the opposite of what most people say about your relationship.  I understand that third parties often see something that first parties cannot; however, there isn't a low lying issue here.  We're not a dramatic couple.  I was not stewing on another issue when he popped up with his declaration, and, therefore, it was not added onto an already existing issue.  I am not a passive person (far from it actually...I've been told that I am brutally honest at times), as you can probably tell from my posts, so I rarely roll over and play dead.  I tend to voice my opinion, but I also know when to pick my battles.  I have not just accepted the fact that my FI has said no WP, and I took it lying down.  It will come up again and when it does I'll argue my point.  I know how to he works.  He thinks he has a good reason not to have  a WP, but he'll start to change his mind yet again.  He's indecisive, I've known this since we started dating over four years ago.  I'm not that type of person. I'm proactive and am not afraid of making decisions.  He can be laid back to a fault.  I like to get things done, so it frustrates me when he's indecisiveness makes me come to a stand still (not literally).  He knows it does because I tell him so, but that's the way he is.  I can't change his nature, and I accept that.  You're right, he doesn't tend to think about that his decisions have consequences or reactions.  He thinks about it in hindsight (and you know what they say about hindsight.)  I posted my original message, because I needed to vent, so I didn't make a mountain out a mole hill with him. I didn't realize that people would have such passionate opinions.  I appreciate the concern, but I feel like too much has been read into this thing.  Also, people keep saying that wedding planning isn't stressful and that it's just a party.  That may be their/your opinion and view point; however, that does not mean that is how everyone else views it or should view it.  It is a party yes, but it is also the one day that all the people we love will gather to celebrate us.  It's the one day where it will be solely about our love and the commitment we're making.  It's the day that the rest of our new lives will begin and that will forever change my life.  So yes, it can be stress inducing.  I do not live in a constant state of stress because of it, but I do have my stressful moments.  I work through it and move onto the next task.  I firmly believe in "this too shall pass."  So please cut a girl some slack.

bablingbrooke

Sweetie no one's attacking you.  No one.  I think you're putting a little too much importance on the party itself, but that's a perspective you'll come to share after the wedding, too, I guarantee it.  Aerin's right that big wedding planning problems are usually manifestations of a bigger issue, and frankly everyone but you can see that this is one of them.

I guess my last question to you is if your communication is so great, why are you complaining about your FI to a website of strangers instead of talking to him yourself?  If you can't talk to your FI about the way he disregards your feelings without starting a fight (and need to get it out of your system first by telling it to complete strangers) that speaks volumes to me.  The fact that the two of you are getting so angry with each other over planning a party, but balking at the idea of getting pre-marital counseling (which has NO stigma attached to it), also speaks volumes to me.  

Another thing: Aerin and I don't know each other IRL.  We don't get together and conspire against people on this board.  We don't make a habit out of telling new posters that they seem to have communications issues.  We're from different walks of life and have different backgrounds and experiences.  The fact that the two of us can look at your situation and say, "You need to work on your communication with your FI" means one of two things: 1) you completely mischaracterized the situation in your posts, or 2) we're on to something.

And I'm going to leave it at that.

trix1223

FWIW:  I've been married for a long time.  And I never once looked back and wished I eloped.  Nor did most people I know.  So I'm surprised by your comment that you've got that many acquaintances who hated their weddings enough to wish they'd never happened.

And I'm just going to chime in and say that I do think the two of you need to work on communication. I recommend that you both read and discuss the book "The Five Love Languages".   You'll find that you show love in one way, while your FI shows it in another way.

Once you understand his love language, and he understands yours, and you both understand what your approach to tasks is, you'll avoid having to vent to strangers on an internet forum.

Manwaithiel

OP.

Calm. Down.

You put something out on the internet. You are going to get responses. If you think your relationship is so great and nothing needs to change, then this vent and all of your follow ups are either complete lies or you're in denial.

If you didn't want it to be scrutinized, you shouldn't have put it up here.

I want to comment on one thing. And don't go getting all defensive on me because YOU put it up there, not me.

You say "He expects me to make things a reality."

Does he REALLY expect that, or do you just take it upon yourself to take his thoughts as his decisions and make them a reality? Does he ever actually say, "I want you to go book a DJ," or does he just say, "I think a DJ would be cool," and you run out and call DJs and then get pissy when he says, "Maybe a band would be better."

Your wedding is still in the relatively distant future. The planning doesn't have to be that complicated. And my wedding is around the same time as yours, so I'm pretty much in the same stage, planning wise, as you are and it's one of the last things on my mind. So don't go making sweeping generalizations about how stressful it is and how much you're freaking out because "weddings will make you surviive anything". If one SINGLE day in your life is enough to prepare you for life in general, then I think I'll just hang my hat up and call it quits. Obviously there's no other challenge in life to live for.

And you're "rough times" comment is a bit ridiculous. We all are going though/have been going through rough times. Just because you have some rought spots doesn't mean this party needs to be a big deal.

The other ladies are giving you good advice. Instead of hammering away another book-like response, take a few minutes to think about it. We're not trying to be therapists, just bringing our own experiences into the picture, but YOU put your situations out there to be read and commented on, and you should expect this. If you think what we're saying is total bunk, then simply stop posting about these things, since not many others seem to agree with you right now.

filaw

I also had many people suggest that I elope before we started the planning process.

I also had many moments when I wished I had taken them up on it.

In the end, I'm glad I did it the way I did it, but I would *never* do it again.

OP, I get where you're coming from.  I also get antsy when I hear the whole "it's only as stressful as you make it" attitude, and that wedding planning isn't inherently stressful.  Maybe it has to do with disposition (not just of the Bride but also of her friends and family).  I certainly found the whole process very stressful.  Like you said, not all the time, but yeah, it was a big freaking project that a lot of people had a lot of expectations for.  

And as for judging your relationship, I also am not entirely sure where all of that is coming from.  It doesn't seem fair that in this particular process your FI is not recognizing that every time he changes his mind it's a stressor on you.  But I don't know that that implies some huge issue in your relationship.  I don't even know you. In the end, you can only put so much stock in what people on the internet say. 

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:26b29c6b-221f-4ea4-9cbc-5b016b17eeca">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]I also had many people suggest that I elope before we started the planning process. I also had many moments when I wished I had taken them up on it. In the end, I'm glad I did it the way I did it, but I would *never* do it again. OP, I get where you're coming from.  I also get antsy when I hear the whole "it's only as stressful as you make it" attitude, and that wedding planning isn't inherently stressful.  Maybe it has to do with disposition (not just of the Bride but also of her friends and family).  I certainly found the whole process very stressful.  Like you said, not all the time, but yeah, it was a big freaking project that a lot of people had a lot of expectations for.  <strong> And as for judging your relationship, I also am not entirely sure where all of that is coming from.</strong>  It doesn't seem fair that in this particular process your FI is not recognizing that every time he changes his mind it's a stressor on you.  But I don't know that that implies some huge issue in your relationship.  I don't even know you. In the end, you can only put so much stock in what people on the internet say. 
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
Insight.  You should try it sometime, rather than just validating every poster that comes on here.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:aa26b567-5f6e-4957-8c62-16391cb32143">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN : I didn't say they hated their weddings nor that they wished they never happened.  I said they told me to take the money and run.  My Dad and brother-in-law's mother, who is like family, told me to do the same thing.  They have just told me that if given the option now, knowing what they know, that they'd choose to elope and not go through the stress of planning a traditional wedding.  They would still get married, but in a different way.  We do not have perfect communication, and I don't pretend that we do.  We have areas to work on, so I will keep your book recommendation in mind.  I just ask that everyone remembers that no one relationship is alike, and what may work for one may not work for the other.  I vented on this forum, because I wanted to do just that, vent.  Not turn it into a forum for bashing my FI or others.  It's the first time I did it and the last, after this experience.  I don't see posting your current frustration/thought/worry/joy.etc as a serious thing, but apparently I was wrong.  I just saw it as an outlet. <strong> I am new to posting, so maybe I don't know the environment, but I can't help to feel attacked</strong> (NOT BY YOU).  A person cannot control what feelings they experience, and I've never believed that you can tell a person that what they are thinking is wrong.  Everyone is entitled to their emotions and opinions, so I respect everyone opinion, though I may not like them.  So I respectfully ask everyone to leave this alone.  Don't post anymore.  It's like beating a dead horse.
Posted by JaiteJanerico[/QUOTE]

Would you just walk into a Starbucks and immediately start telling a barista that you hadn't had any communication with about your frustrations with your FI in this detail?

Of course you wouldn't. Because obviously you'd want to get to know the people and the environment in which you'd be sharing such information.

We're not computers. We're humans. You could try treating as such.

JaiteJanerico

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:536c62fb-8736-4531-b714-0794adf30d24">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN : Filaw, do you have an acutal personality? I'm being dead serious, it's not even a sarcastic comment. You are the biggest "yes man" I have ever come across. You literally agree with every single newbie poster who gets a little miffed when people aren't like "OMG YOU'RE RIGHT" on here and go completely out of your way to disregard everything that 15 other people have said. I'm not saying the masses are always correct, but if we're explaining things in a clear, concise way with lots of life examples to back it up, don't you think we might be on to something? As for the bolded part, I'm sure most people feel this way. But if someone walks up to you and says "If you can survive planning a party, you can survive anything," are you REALLYYYY going to agree with that? If you can survive your FI dying because of your wedding planning, then more power to you I guess, I but I seriously doubt that's reality. Any sane person would question that kind of logic. Except for you apparently. You think it's perfectly reasonable the OP feel that way. If you're mature enough to have a marriage, you should be mature enough to have the proper perspective on a wedding. Thinking that getting through it is going to completely prep you for life is definitely not it.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I've never understood people for being rude just for the sake of being rude, but if it makes you feel good about yourself to verbally cut into other people then knock yourself out.  I wish you all the best.  Now I am really done.<div>
</div></div>

JaiteJanerico

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:ce2a664b-4bb4-4e4c-8e59-3fd8d5e81919">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN : Good, cause I wasn't actually addressing you and you probably have no idea where the context of this is coming from. *waves bye*
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

<div>I totally got who you were being rude to, but that still doesn't make being rude for self-satisfaction okay.  At least I can say the other ladies who gave me an ear full of their opinion weren't rude.  *Waves Bye Right Back*</div>

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_5-bridesmaids-but-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1524f1e5-2f70-4e96-8369-39eed24c019aPost:ae844384-088b-481c-bea8-d6c1399ddc9a">Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 5 Bridesmaids but NO GROOMSMEN : Thank you for being a sympathetic ear.  I didn't realize people took this so seriously, and would rip into what I thought was a minor post.
Posted by JaiteJanerico[/QUOTE]

Let's go back in time a bit.

You posted your issue.

We responded to that issue. Mostly with not a lot of emphasis on your relationship and certainly not "ripping apart". We simply said there was no reason to be mad at your FI. You finally clarified he had already asked people and obviously that's a problem but since that information wasn't in your OP, we couldn't very well respond to that, could we?

But people weren't jumping on the validation train and getting all angry with your FI, just saying that obviously he needed to keep them since he already asked. So you launched off a huge novella of your personal life and then people responded to it. But oh noooo, that wans't good enough for you either because NOW people were getting into your private business. Which, by the way, you posted on a forum that even your FI could see if he googled your SN. Of course since you're "new to this" and didn't bother getting to know the medium before you fired off your information, you probably don't even know that.

So you just kept piling on the details until someone (Filaw) finally gave you your sympathetic ear.

Now that we all know you were just looking for validation, how about the two of go on private messaging and just talk to each other? Clearly, she's the only one who understands you. Or you can keep posting more and more things we don't agree with on here and get responses and continue to complain about them.

The choice is yours.