MOH is MIA for everything planned...

dcvancampen

So my MOH always bails out on everything we have planned. Ditched dress shopping, helping with invites, isn't wanting to plan a wedding shower and was not part of the bachelorette party!! She also has only met one of my bridesmaids and is bailing out AGAIN after having something planned a month in advance, I did remind her about it over and over and how much of it meant to me to have all of us together.  The other bridesmaids brought this to my attention several times and this last one with her bailing on girls night is really eating at me, i have NO clue how to handle this... help?     thanks in advance

notyetavet

Technically, the only thing your MOH is required to do is buy the dress, show up to the ceremony at the appropriate time, and smile for pictures. It can be disappointing and frustrating when someone constantly commits to something and then bails at the last minute, but the things you mentioned are optional.  You obviously chose her as a MOH for a reason.  Is there something going on in her life that is making attending all these events difficult for her?  

VeggieLove1022

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-is-mia-for-everything-planned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:95a086f0-d73f-40f2-9f6e-60d82b5e169aPost:c5180bf9-1496-4944-9460-921bbc4f6012">MOH is MIA for everything planned...</a>:
[QUOTE]So my MOH always bails out on everything we have planned. Ditched dress shopping, helping with invites, isn't wanting to plan a wedding shower and was not part of the bachelorette party!! She also has only met one of my bridesmaids and is bailing out AGAIN after having something planned a month in advance, I did remind her about it over and over and how much of it meant to me to have all of us together.  The other bridesmaids brought this to my attention several times and this last one with her bailing on girls night is really eating at me, i have NO clue how to handle this... help?      thanks in advance
Posted by dcvancampen[/QUOTE]

<div>Like PP said, you chose this woman because she is important to you- not because of the things she can do for you. </div><div>
</div><div>She doesn't have to help with invites. It's not her problem. Tell FI to help you. It's his wedding too. </div><div>
</div><div>She doesn't have to plan a wedding shower and it's pretty rude of you if you're just expecting one. You aren't entitled to a shower and you only get one if someone is generous enough to offer to throw one.</div><div>
</div><div>You also said that you reminded her over and over again to not forget to meet up with you for over a month. Can't you see how annoying that would be? </div><div>
</div><div>Have you talked to her as a friend? You should probably work on your friendship at this point. Ask her how she's doing or if she wants lunch and leave the wedding out completely. </div>

Summer2011Bride

Your MOH has no obligations like attending a bachelorette, throwing a shower or helping you with invitations. If anyone should be helping you with your invitations, etc., it should be FI as it's his wedding too! Not hers.

I can understand being frustrated if a good friend doesn't show for things, but everything you listed was wedding-related. How many things did you ask her to attend for your wedding? I wouldn't want to spend all my free time doing stuff for someone else's wedding either, and from your post (correct me if I'm wrong), I'm getting the impression you talk about your wedding A LOT to your friends, which can be off-putting and boring for them.

What you need to do is talk to her like a friend! Do not make it about your wedding. Talk to her about non-wedding things, meet up for coffee or lunch, ask HER what she'd like to do for once when you get together. See if there is something else going on that caused her to flake out on these activities or if she's just sick of the wedding talk. And your BMs do not have to meet beforehand. Two of mine were from out of state and didn't even get to town until the day before. They met the others at the rehearsal the night before the wedding. They don't have to be great pals, so please don't force them into activities together.

aerinpegadrak

My bridesmaids weren't all in the same room together until a few hours before the ceremony.  Everyone got along just fine, because they're mature adults who know how to socialize.  They were there because of their relationship with me, that didn't necessitate a relationship with each other.  I also didn't get a shower or bachelorette party at all.  Does that mean I'm not legally married?

I'll echo the others that if this is unusual behavior for her, you should talk to her about it as a friend and find out what's going on.  Leave the wedding out of it completely; there's no way to go down that road that doesn't boil down to, "You're not paying enough attention to me and this change in my life."  Or invite her to hang out for something that's not related to the wedding and see if she's down for it.  You're likely talking about it more than you realize (everyone does), and anyone who fixates on one topic to the exclusion of anything else isn't really fun to hang around with.  Perhaps if you remind her that you're still a real person instead of just The Bride, she'll be more eager to see you.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-is-mia-for-everything-planned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:95a086f0-d73f-40f2-9f6e-60d82b5e169aPost:c5180bf9-1496-4944-9460-921bbc4f6012">MOH is MIA for everything planned...</a>:
[QUOTE]So my MOH always bails out on everything we have planned. Ditched dress shopping, helping with invites, isn't wanting to plan a wedding shower and was not part of the bachelorette party!! She also has only met one of my bridesmaids and is bailing out AGAIN after having something planned a month in advance, I did remind her about it over and over and how much of it meant to me to have all of us together.  The other bridesmaids brought this to my attention several times and this last one with her bailing on girls night is really eating at me, i have NO clue how to handle this... help?      thanks in advance
Posted by dcvancampen[/QUOTE]

There is absolutely no way that you can say, "I'm pissed that you didn't help me shop for a dress/assemble the invitations for my wedding/won't plan a shower for me/won't attend a bachelorette for me" without coming across as a giant greedy a-hole who's only focused on ME-ME-ME and What You Can Do For Me. So, no, there's no way to "handle" her not participating in these activities other than to say, "OK" and let it go. She is not <strong>obligated</strong> to do any of these things for you. 

She doesn't have to be friends with your other bridesmaids. They are all there for YOU, not to become a new social group. Stop trying to get them to be buddies. You invited her to a girls' night and she wound up saying no. She's allowed. Get over it.

If you are talking about her refusing to help shop for her own dress, rather than yours, then tell her to look online at the choices and give her your vote before a deadline, otherwise she has to go along with what the majority of bridesmaids choose. Don't organize a group appointment to order it ... ler her order on her own time from her most local salon. If it IS your dress that you're talking about, then let it go because she's not obligated to help you shop for it or get your fittings. You invited her to help you and she said no ... an invitation is not a subpoena.

If the issue here is that she keeps promising to do these things and then doesn't follow through, then just stop asking her. You can kindly say, "You know, I won't be angry if you say 'no thanks' to any of this stuff. You're not obligated to do so, so if you don't feel like doing it then just tell me upfront and I promise I won't be upset."

If she's ALWAYS been flakey, then you knew this when you asked her to be your MOH and so you can't hold it against her. If this behavior supposedly annoys you so much, why was it acceptable enough at the time when you asked her to be your MOH? The message you're sending in this case is, "You can act a certain way in regular life, but you need to totally change your personality because of my wedding. You need to be a different person because I happen to be getting married." Um, no, that doesn't fly. People will NEVER change just because you decided to get married. Accept your friends for who they are.

If she was NEVER like this, and all of a sudden you feel like she did a 180 and doesn't care about you anymore, then something is up. Either there's something major going on in her life that you don't know about (sickess, family problem, money trouble), or you've done something along the way to piss her off and make her not want to be around you anymore. Good friends do not spontaneously decide, "Hey, I think I'll be an ass to Bride today" and they don't suddenly get jealous and decide to start treating you like crap for no reason. There is a REASON why she is acting this way, and you either need to kindly ask her what's wrong without accusing her, or just let it go. 

The way to handle this is to invite her out for coffee, or call her on the phone if you are really far away (DO NOT do this over text or computer) and say, "I feel like we're not as close as we used to be, and I miss spending time with you. Is something bothering you?"

DO NOT bring up her role in your wedding, or mention that she's not doing enough for you. Because not only is that really rude and accusatory, but it's completely missing the point ... the issue here is that a close friend (which is why you chose her as your MOH, no?) is avoiding you. That has NOTHING to do with your wedding. NOTHING.

graysquirrel

Being a MOH is a one day role. It is about her being given the honor as your best friend on your wedding day. It isn't a job that comes with a description involving mandatory project assisting or group activities. While I totally understand that you want your best friend involved in things, just because she isn't does not mean she is a horrible MOH. I can't say if you are having wedding brain or not, but lots of times brides get very caught up in things and tend to treat BMs like employees vs friends. It might be good to take a step back and evaluate if this is a friend issue or a wedding brain issue. 

If you are feeling sad because you have not spent time with her, I would suggest taking time alone with her without anything WR going on. If you can connect as best friends not bride and MOH, then maybe things will get better on their own. 

jemmini6

It seems you don't understand what a MOH is for.  This role is a way for YOU to honor HER as an important person in your life.  It is NOT a way for HER to honor YOU by helping you plan your wedding, or throw you any parties.  Once you realize this, you'll see that the 'problems' you have listed aren't problems at all.

You asked for advice on how to handle this, so here it is:  Apologize to her for being so wedding crazy lately, and ask her out for a drink to just hang out as friends, with no wedding chat at all.

RunDog

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I agree with your frustration. I don't expect my bridesmaids to show up to everything, but I would at least expect the MOH to show some interest in at least one thing. From your post it sounds like your MOH is flaking out after she commits to something. That's what I take "bailing out" and "ditch" to mean. I would be hurt if my MOH didn't participate in anything either, and from the way it sounds, it looks like she hasn't been there at all. Being a bridesmaid is one thing, but as MOH you should at least be expected to show some support. Unless you're being a complete bridezilla and pressuring her to spend money or do things she can't do, I don't see how you could not be hurt. However, I think the best thing you can do is ask if everything is okay with her. If she says everything is great and sounds fine, then yeah it's okay to be upset. HOWEVER, do not let her know you are disappointed. It will only create friction in your relationship. Like previous posters said, you chose you MOH becasue she means something to you, which is why it's normal to be hurt when you can't share the biggest thing in your life with her. Just be glad that you have other bridesmaids that are willing to help, and vent it all out here! (But yes, you are right to be a little upset about your MOH).

dcvancampen

I guess maybe I should have put in there some where that I do live 1,000 miles away from all of my bridesmaids and where the wedding is actually taking place. my MOH is more like a sister, we were connected at the hip for over 15.  I do not expect a shower or any other parties but she has asked several times saying she wanted to do them. Also always says I'm so excited for this that and the other thing having to do with the wedding when I'm not even saying a word about it.

  Guess I'll just let it go and just have fun with the rest of the girls.


Thanks again everyone.

aerinpegadrak

Wait, so if you live 1,000 miles away from all of these people, how do you have girls' nights that everyone's missing?  Personally, I'm okay with travelling for a wedding, but if I'm expected to do any traveling other than that, that's a big negatory.  It sucks if they happened to be in town and she had other things come up; I didn't get to touch base with my own MOH recently when I was in town because she was really busy (and frankly, so were we).  It sucked and I wish I could have seen her, but it was hardly a major issue.

dcvancampen

Well when we go back we try to plan fun nights weather it be bowling movies just hanging out with everyone not even just wedding party people.Tried having a girls night back in Feb, everyone else showed MOH didn't. Have tried making plans for supper with her and she says oh yeah i'll go cant wait to see you then last minute says something comes up and its always like a party or someone else asked her to do something. I try everytime to see her even if it is just a quick hey how are things sorry we have to run sort of thing but I always try to make an effort and stop by.

aerinpegadrak

Has she always been like this, or has it started recently?  If she's always blown you off last minute for other things, then she's not going to change just because you're getting married, and you can remind yourself that this apparently hasn't been a dealbreaker in the past and shouldn't be now.

But if this sort of behavior is new, maybe it's worth sitting down with her and asking her why she's seemed so distant lately.  Maybe she's stressed out, or has a beef with one of your other attendants and doesn't want to bring you into it, or maybe it's just that you're growing apart, which can happen even to people who used to be really close.  Don't make it The Bride to errant MOH, talk friend to friend and leave the wedding out of it.

lpowers1118

I hope this wasn't already said, if it was sorry for repeating, but you should tell your other BMs that if they have an opinion about someone else in the WP they should keep it to themselves as it only creates drama for everyone. 

dcvancampen

This is just recently that shes started doing this thats why it bothers me so much because it isn't like her at all. And it could very well be that we are growing apart. thanks bunches, it always helps being able to vent and get some advice.


They aren't really trying to create any drama they just wonder why she doesn't ever want to hang out or says she will then backs out of it. The rest of the girls think its their fault and that she hates them.

bonge

I can understand your frustration. She doesn't have to be part of the parties & stuff but i hate when people tell me they are going to do something & flake. I find it extremely rude. I don't think you mentioned if she was always like this or if this is something new. 

I ended my friendship with my best friend of 16 years over her behaviour with this wedding. I did not ask for much at all. She tried to take over though & wanted it all to be about her, even that we could not have a wedding outside because of birds. when i put my foot down & said ok i let this slide long enough this isn't your wedding so you have no say nor can you keep telling me nothing is good enough for you, she got upset, rather than addressing my concerns she chose to ignore them. 

If she is like this all the time then i would say you have a friend problem not a MOH problem. My ex best friend was like this but i had blinders that i never noticed before because i never spent so much time together (we do not live that close either). 

You have to make a choice on where you want this friendship to go. If you love her & just want her with you then you will have to decide to figure out how to deal with it. i would let her know she hurt my feelings though. 

Good luck

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-is-mia-for-everything-planned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:95a086f0-d73f-40f2-9f6e-60d82b5e169aPost:cdc2b9f5-3c5d-480f-8463-6d47601ee984">Re: MOH is MIA for everything planned...</a>:
[QUOTE]This is just recently that shes started doing this thats why it bothers me so much because it isn't like her at all. And it could very well be that we are growing apart. thanks bunches, it always helps being able to vent and get some advice. They aren't really trying to create any drama they just wonder why she doesn't ever want to hang out or says she will then backs out of it. The rest of the girls think its their fault and that she hates them.
Posted by dcvancampen[/QUOTE]
I think you should probably have a talk with her, then, in person if possible.  Don't be accusatory, just ask her if anything is up because she seems kind of distant lately, and that you want to know if it's anything you've done or anything you can do.  She might not be responsive, but if you can open the door to let her know that you miss her and hope that everything's okay, she might come around.

dcvancampen

wow. sounds A LOT like my MOH, she is very opinionated with every decision that has been made so far, example: dresses she wanted one style that SHE liked that she knew I didn't want and then threw a HUGE fit when I found the dress everyone else loved but her even though she had 4 options. but yes, it is like what you said with yours-- nothing was good enough. I feel better now knowning I'm not the only one who had/has that issue and I could too just have blinders on too. lol

Thanks so much!!    

dcvancampen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-is-mia-for-everything-planned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:95a086f0-d73f-40f2-9f6e-60d82b5e169aPost:e078033f-53e0-4fea-9a8c-830d6d667eda">Re: MOH is MIA for everything planned...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH is MIA for everything planned... : I think you should probably have a talk with her, then, in person if possible.  Don't be accusatory, just ask her if anything is up because she seems kind of distant lately, and that you want to know if it's anything you've done or anything you can do.  She might not be responsive, but if you can open the door to let her know that you miss her and hope that everything's okay, she might come around.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]


thanks, I just might have to try this. She did agree to go with me for our hair trial run so *fingers crossed* she'll go and maybe then we can get some just me and her time. :)

Viczaesar

In Response to Re:MOH is MIA for everything planned...:[QUOTE]I agree with you, I am dealing with the same thing, except it is 2 of my bridesmaids who happen to also be my cousins that I grew up with. When you say yes to being a bridesmaid, it should beuh because the bride is someone close to you and you should want to offer your help to her. I dont mean spend every waking moment doing wedding stuff, but if she asks for help addressing invitations or anything else, I dont see the problem. Friends help friends. Im sorry your MOH is bailing out of all wedding activities! If I could go back in time, knowing what I know no
w, I would only havenbsp;2 bridesmaids my 2 closest friends and I wouldnt choose family to be in the wedding party. Good luck! Posted by sweetmustang16[/QUOTE]
Nope.

dcvancampen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-is-mia-for-everything-planned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:95a086f0-d73f-40f2-9f6e-60d82b5e169aPost:b1a5acf4-09c8-460c-897c-c6704eed3d20">Re:MOH is MIA for everything planned...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:MOH is MIA for everything planned...:

You're missing the point. You need to make some NON wedding related time for her. Don't bring this up at a hair trial. Take her ou for coffee or lunch or whatever.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]



everytime i have made plans that was NON wedding related she bails too, never said I was going to bring it up during hair trial just said she said she will go. the rest of the afternoon is time for just me and her to hang out as friends and not talk about wedding things. just hoping she does goes so we can hang out and talk like old friends.