MOH problems!!!

kraeuter2b

So my Maid of Honor texted me this morning asking if she could bring her husband to look at wedding dresses with us this weekend!!!!!!!!!!  Like really?  I can't believe she would even ask!  Additionally, this is not a last minute thing.  We have had this whole day planned for weeks, and she made up this whole crazy, completely illogical story as to why he "has" to come or she can't because they only have one car, but when I stood my ground finally backed off.

She did things differently for her wedding, like her husband came with her to pick out her dress and for her "bachelorette party" she had her husband and parents and guys and girls just go out for drinks.  That's fine that she did things that way, but that is NOT ME.

My fiance is livid because it's been stressing me out and he thinks that she is going to do this to me for every event including my bridal shower and bachelorette party.

I don't know what to do because she has been my best friend for years, and  I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I think it's completely rude that she even asked.  She is just stressing me out and making me feel like I'm the bad guy, when in fact, she is imposing and flat out being rude.  I even offered to make special arrangements to pay for a cab for him or give her a ride etc.

kraeuter2b

I did.  And she basically said that she couldn't come then because they only have one car and he needs to get home from work.  So I told her we would wait if she wanted to pick him up and take him home and she said that wouldn't work.  So you can't pick him up from work and take him home, but you can pick him up from work and take him shopping with us? Nonsense!  And she just kept arguing and making up excuses as to why he needs to come with us and she did that for all of her brindal events too.  Like I said, for her that's fine, but not for me and she is making me feel like the bad guy.

kraeuter2b

I offered to arrange rides for either her or her husband, whichever was easier for them.  She ended up just saying, "It's fine I'll take care of it."  So it is resolved now, I just hate that she made something so small (a ride issue) into a huge deal and wanted to bring her man and wouldn't let me help her get a rie, etc.

It's over now, I suppose, but it toally stressed me out and I'm afraid of her doing this for every event.  She is the *I never do anything without my man* type and I can't simply say "no" and have that be the end.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:a8c71ba2-7c98-4d43-963c-ef67e9ef0647">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I offered to arrange rides for either her or her husband, whichever was easier for them.  She ended up just saying, "It's fine I'll take care of it."  So it is resolved now, I just hate that she made something so small (a ride issue) into a huge deal and wanted to bring her man and wouldn't let me help her get a rie, etc. It's over now, I suppose, but it toally stressed me out and I'm afraid of her doing this for every event.  She is the *I never do anything without my man* type and I can't simply say "no" and have that be the end.
Posted by kraeuter2b[/QUOTE]

Why is it such an issue if her husband comes along? Personally, I like FI's nod of approval when I'm trying things on - especially a dress.

I guess I don't understand why it's so rude and imposing for her husband to be there with you. It's more likely than not that he'll sit on a chair and play on his phone than anything else.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:a8c71ba2-7c98-4d43-963c-ef67e9ef0647">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I offered to arrange rides for either her or her husband, whichever was easier for them.  She ended up just saying, "It's fine I'll take care of it."  So it is resolved now, <strong>I just hate that she made something so small (a ride issue) into a huge deal </strong>and wanted to bring her man and wouldn't let me help her get a rie, etc. It's over now, I suppose, but it toally stressed me out and I'm afraid of her doing this for every event.  She is the *I never do anything without my man* type and I can't simply say "no" and have that be the end.
Posted by kraeuter2b[/QUOTE]

<div>She's not the only one making a huge deal out of something so small.</div><div>
</div><div>If you don't want her husband there, just say no.  If that means she can't go, get over it.  But to freak out and get so upset that she even asked is crazy.  </div>

kraeuter2b

I guess I didn't clarify that all of the girls in my bridal party are coming in from out of town that day because they all wanted to be included in  shopping for both my dress and their dresses.  So there are 6 of us girls who planned shopping, lunch, more shopping, dinner, and drinks JUST THE LADIES weeks ago, which is why it is imposing for her to ask if her husband can come.  If it were going to be an issue, she should have said so from the start when all of us decided it would be girls only.

B&K10+13+12

I had a very similar situation with my MOH.  She wanted to bring her H to my final dress fitting, and pitched a fit when I said no.  Even though she was unhappy, I held my ground.  This meant repeating what I had said the first time that I did not feel comfortable with him there.  I let her know that it's totally ok if she can't make it I understand.   She showed up looking unhappy but changed her mood after I explained to her face to face why I did not want him to come.

GretchenLaRoux

Sweet Jesus, lady, calm down. This is hardly worth raising your blood pressure over. Just tell her no if you're really that upset by it, and if she pushes, tell her you'll see her next time. You've tried to help with transportation, which is about as much as you can do.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:000c51a1-f112-4dc7-a38d-eb1512eaaba3">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I didn't clarify that all of the girls in my bridal party are coming in from out of town that day because they all wanted to be included in  shopping for both my dress and their dresses.  So there are 6 of us girls who planned shopping, lunch, more shopping, dinner, and drinks JUST THE LADIES weeks ago, which is why it is imposing for her to ask if her husband can come.  If it were going to be an issue, she should have said so from the start when all of us decided it would be girls only.
Posted by kraeuter2b[/QUOTE]

So what would you rather have?
A - MOH (and presumably your best friend) not come at all because you are throwing a fit over her hubby needing to come.

B - MOH arriving and being in a huff/miserable because of the need for "alternate arrangements" because you are throwing a fit over her ASKING if her hubby can come.

C - Happy MOH along with you and hubby sitting in the corner amusing himself.

Sorry, but I cherish my relationship with my MOH more than "girl time"... I'd let her hubby come. The presence of a man doesn't make spending time with your lady friends any less special.

Also, have you ever though that perhaps schedules and situations change. So when she agreed to "girls night" a few weeks ago, she didn't think there <em>would</em> be a problem with them having only one vehicle? You are being entirely too hard on the person who is supposed to be your best friend.

kraeuter2b

So hypothetically speaking, you and your wedding party plan a girls trip to Vegas for your bachelorette party.  Then right before, your MOH said that she wanted to bring her 3 kids along for the trip because she doesn't want to leave them out.  Would you be ok with this? No.

And it's the same with wedding dress shopping.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:16ed3c26-e7d5-4c9a-b5fd-de40c7ab44ea">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So hypothetically speaking, you and your wedding party plan a girls trip to Vegas for your bachelorette party.  Then right before, your MOH said that she wanted to bring her 3 kids along for the trip because she doesn't want to leave them out.  Would you be ok with this? No. And it's the same with wedding dress shopping.
Posted by kraeuter2b[/QUOTE]

1st - I wouldn't plan my own bachelorette party. And if my girls do decide to plan one for me, it certainly won't be a destination one because I would turn that down.

2nd - a trip to the dress shop for a few hours over the course of ONE afternoon/evening with a HUSBAND in tow is not even CLOSE to a multiple-night stay in Vegas complete with partying/drinking with children in tow.

It's apples and oranges. Not a valid comparison.


But if you want a more valid comparison: we are planning a "girls night" to pick out/try on BM dresses for my wedding. And my FSIL will likely have to bring her 6 month old son. And you know what? It doesn't bother me in the least.

kraeuter2b

It is in fact the same, but ok.

A 6 month baby is not the same as a very opinionated, controlling man.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:74a37fff-33b5-4faf-9aff-bb5fe908ef1e">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is in fact the same, but ok. A 6 month baby is not the same as a very opinionated, controlling man.
Posted by kraeuter2b[/QUOTE]

Please explain how a few hours in a local wedding dress store is the "same thing" as a destination bachelorette party in Las Vegas...

And you are correct a husband =/= baby. Nor does a husband =/= 3 children (as was stated in your Vegas scenario).

kraeuter2b

Additionally, I bet your groom would be upset if one of his groomsmen said he were bringing his girlfriend to the bachelorette party.

And aside from the fact that he would be imposing, my other bridesmaids don't want him there either. Both because the whole day is planned and because they are all trying on dresses too.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:c99deeb2-5167-4f58-9136-140eafda4190">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Additionally,<strong> I bet your groom would be upset if one of his groomsmen said he were bringing his girlfriend to the bachelorette party</strong>. And aside from the fact that he would be imposing, my other bridesmaids don't want him there either. Both because the whole day is planned and because they are all trying on dresses too.
Posted by kraeuter2b[/QUOTE]

I think you mean Bachelor party... but no, FI wouldn't be upset. Because we are actually hoping that, should our WP offer bach parties that we do a JOINT one - bride AND groom's "sides" together. And I fully expect FI's BM's girlfriend (also a BM) to be there, as well as his sister-in-law (who is also a BM), and the girlfriend of another brother (GM).

And even that being said - FI's uncles have suggested a Vegas bachelor party... and invited me AND my ladies along for the trip. The night festivities would likely be separate but we'd all hang out during the day. But as I said, I am not interested (financial, school, and work reasons).

kraeuter2b

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:695dcf11-0372-4e6d-a0e3-8aa886ff49e4">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems!!! : Please explain how a few hours in a local wedding dress store is the "same thing" as a destination bachelorette party in Las Vegas...
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

Ok, it is the same because we planned X and she wanted to change it to Y.  The comparison is between a planned trip to one place and a planned trip to another with certain people being invited and all agreeing on who would attend.  Then one person deciding that she wants to bring someone into the mix that would change the sequence of events that were planned as well as the atmosphere.

The point is I don't want someone else's husband, who has a history of being bossy and controlling and creepy, giving me his opinion on my wedding dress.  Also, my bridesmaids are picking out their dresses and don't feel comfortable with him there.

What is not to get about this comparison?

FYI - If the groomsmen had all planned a golfing trip and one of them wanted to bring their girlfriend, the dudes would flip.  Same thing. 

Either don't come or dont' bring him.

kraeuter2b

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:b921f7dc-95aa-40c1-975d-68da77161b11">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems!!! : I think you mean Bachelor party... but no, FI wouldn't be upset. Because we are actually hoping that, should our WP offer bach parties that we do a JOINT one - bride AND groom's "sides" together. And I fully expect FI's BM's girlfriend (also a BM) to be there, as well as his sister-in-law (who is also a BM), and the girlfriend of another brother (GM). And even that being said - FI's uncles have suggested a Vegas bachelor party... and invited me AND my ladies along for the trip. The night festivities would likely be separate but we'd all hang out during the day. But as I said, I am not interested (financial, school, and work reasons).
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

I find it humorous that you think that just because you are having non traditional bach parties, that I should make exceptions as far as what I want.  You are obviously just here to argue and you can't even grasp the point.

BTW we went on one of those "joint bach parties recently." It's called a night out.

kraeuter2b

Fine, I give up.

When I was the MOH, I did everything possible to make everything perfect for my best friend, the bride, on her special day.  I did everything as she wanted and made plans regarding showers, dress shopping, bachelorette parties, etc. based on her likes and dislikes as opposed to my own. 

On birthdays, I do everything to make the birthday boy/girl happy on their day, and make plans based on what they want to do and how they would like things done.

I guess I expected people to do the same for me, regarding my wedding, but apparently I am wrong. 

saric83

I find it VERY weird that she wants her husband there since you offered to pay for a cab or a find an alternative solution.  I wouldn't feel comfortable having someone else's husband there when I was trying on my wedding dress, nor as a BM would I feel comfortable with that either.  Also, nearly every single bridal shop I've ever been to is better with a limited group, so if you have an appointment for x number of people, it's rude to just randomly include an extra person who has no real business being there.  And again - this is all in the context of the MOH was given an option to have a cab or get a ride, so this would be different if there was a genuine reason for him to be there. 

But all of that aside, you told her no, and there's nothing else you can do.  Put it in the past and don't even think about it anymore!  You're going to drive yourself crazy if you don't.  She probably didn't realize how weird of a thing it was to ask, so it's not as though she was trying to intentionally stress you out.  You can't worry about future situations where this might happen again.  Just deal with all of it as it comes....Just try to relax and have fun! : )

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:a8c71ba2-7c98-4d43-963c-ef67e9ef0647">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I offered to arrange rides for either her or her husband, whichever was easier for them.  She ended up just saying, "It's fine I'll take care of it."  So it is resolved now,<strong> I just hate that she made something so small (a ride issue) into a huge deal </strong>and wanted to bring her man and wouldn't let me help her get a rie, etc. It's over now, I suppose, but it toally stressed me out and I'm afraid of her doing this for every event.  She is the *I never do anything without my man* type and I can't simply say "no" and have that be the end.
Posted by kraeuter2b[/QUOTE]
You don't see the pot/kettle thing you're doing?

LoisLane007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:4cf52a65-c602-418b-ae45-4be8e61f0a41">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you pick her up so her husband can take the car?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

This.

Just take a deep breath.
She's probably just really excited for you and is recalling her wedding planing days.


On a side note:
I'm the MOH for my best friend as well, and being recently married, I am constantly catching myself say "well I did it this way." or  "we did this." When that happens I just have to remind myself "This is not my wedding. This is not my wedding."

graysquirrel

Why not just suggest that her H drive her, drop her off, and then go hang out someplace he likes? If it is really about the car situation, it is a car for heaven's sake. He doesn't have to sit there and watch you, he can leave and pick his wife up when you are all done. Problem solved.

sweetcanadian1979

i get why your upset, i would not want that either, but you did contradict yourself about her making a small thing huge.

Maybe it is her husband that is making this a big issue? The first thing i thought when i saw the original post was a controlling man, then you said he was. My old bosses husband was very controlling, she would not be allowed to go anywhere at all without him. If she had to stay longer at work he would think she had a man there, it was bad, she also did not have a license & dependant on him.

I would not want him there, women in dress shops are in their underwear, at least when i went, that is creepy, there were no men there. Do you have an apt with the salon? A party that big needs their own person.

Good luck, if she makes it an issue just state, i would love to have you there but we will miss you.

katehar01

I understand you're frustrated, but you really are overreacting a little to this.  You can't control other people, and even though the situation thinks, you sound like you're going to give yourself an aneurysm.

I agree it's weird.  I have friends who have been this way about their BFs/FIs (have to be with them every second), and it's annoying.  But you're already getting yourself stressed out about the bridal shower, bach party, when NONE OF THIS HAS HAPPENED YET.  Just take it one event at a time.  It's unfair to saying she's "changing" plans, because her situation changed with the car issue.  However, it's weird that she won't let you just pick her up, which indicates she just WANTS hubby there.  You shouldn't have to have anyone there you don't want.  Just tell her husband tagging along is a no go, and you're sorry if she can't come.  Do the same for future events as the need arises.

katehar01

*situation stinks

mbcdefg

The bigger issue here to you seems to be that her husband doesn't let her do anything without him. It sounds like she's being abused, not that she wants to bring her husband along to get her way or stick it to you. She's probably not allowed to do anything without him, right? I dont think it's out of line to ask her to not bring him. But you also can't say "Well I did XYZ as MOH do she needs to do the same." You cannot hold someone else to your own personal standards, period. The choices are to either suck it up and let him come and have her there, or say no and she probably won't come. Your call. But again, I think your biggest concern st this point should be that your best friend is married to a jerk who feels like he needs to babysit her all the time. I'd be afraid of alienating her simply because, when he beats the shiit out of her one day, she will need someone to turn to for help.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:f843180b-8398-4540-be78-c6d9d6971a77">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH problems!!! : Why is it such an issue if her husband comes along? Personally, I like FI's nod of approval when I'm trying things on - especially a dress. I guess I don't understand why it's so rude and imposing for her husband to be there with you. It's more likely than not that he'll sit on a chair and play on his phone than anything else.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]


Its rude because its a girls day for the BRIDE and her BRIDAL PARTY...not the bride and all her friends husbands!

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d00dc9e4-dc67-4eca-9bdb-64674578cd85Post:f972a59a-bc98-4764-b3f6-777012e9deff">Re: MOH problems!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I find it VERY weird that she wants her husband there since you offered to pay for a cab or a find an alternative solution.  I wouldn't feel comfortable having someone else's husband there when I was trying on my wedding dress, nor as a BM would I feel comfortable with that either.</strong>  Also, nearly every single bridal shop I've ever been to is better with a limited group, so if you have an appointment for x number of people, it's rude to just randomly include an extra person who has no real business being there.  And again - this is all in the context of the MOH was given an option to have a cab or get a ride, so this would be different if there was a genuine reason for him to be there.  But all of that aside, you told her no, and there's nothing else you can do.  Put it in the past and don't even think about it anymore!  You're going to drive yourself crazy if you don't.  <strong>She probably didn't realize how weird of a thing it was to ask</strong>, so it's not as though she was trying to intentionally stress you out.  You can't worry about future situations where this might happen again.  Just deal with all of it as it comes....Just try to relax and have fun! : )
Posted by saric83[/QUOTE]

Agree with all this. I think it's really, really stange that she wanted him to come that badly. I know when I plan stuff with my two best friends, we always confirm first, is this a girls-only thing or are we<em> all</em> getting together? (They're both already married.) If no one else's SO is coming, I wouldn't invite mine, especially to something as non-dude-oriented as freakin' dress shopping...

She's in some kind of emotionally unhealthy marriage where he controls her every move OR she's completely dependent on him and needs him with her at all times. Or, as Saric said, she is so involved in her marriage that she can't even see how weird it is that he would come. I've known a few couples like that, who just simply don't understand why every single activity shouldn't involve them both.

I don't blame you for expecting that for once she would do something without her H. You'd think this would be the time she made an exception to her "H comes everywhere with me" mindset. But don't let it drag you down so much. Just calmly explain that you don't want her H there, and if she can't come to these events alone, she can just order the dress that the other BMs pick out.

Summer2011Bride

OP, calm down. You're upset that SHE is making a big deal out of something small, when you are doing the exact same thing. If you really are uncomfortable with her H being there, then tell her you would like it to be a ladies-only day. You'd be happy to pick her up so as to solve the car situation. If she still says no, she says no. She obviously wants him there then if she is unwilling to accept an alternative ride. Then you'll just have to go without her. End of story.

1BabyFritsch

I completely get why you dont want him there. The salon were I got my dress and the girls dresses actually "perfers" (there words) no ment be present wich is a nice way to say you are going to be in a room with a bunch of other girls trying on dresses and men arent allowed in for obvious reasons.

You may want to check your salons policy on guys ours didnt flat out say no and there was a guy ther when I was there but pretty much he had to stay in the very front of the store and the bride and girls had to walk out into the waiting area to get his opinion.

I also understand that this was planned way before and she never brought up a issue untill now. Stick to your guns dont let him come if she dosent come then maybe the three of you can go another day and just try on BM dresses.

Meghannsix

OP, I'm with you.  I cannot understand women who can't function without their man.  It's fricking dress shopping, what man wants to tag along when someone (not his own FI, sister, daughter, insert other important female role here) is going wedding dress shopping?