my cousins are planning weddings close to mine

catwine

I'm sure I could have posted this on another board, but some of the women out there can be very mean.

I have two adult female cousins who have been 'engaged' for years. I put that in quotes because the unspoken rule in my family is that if you get pregnant as a teenager your baby-daddy has to put a ring on your finger. One cousin has been saying she is engaged for about 6 years and the other has been engaged to all 3 of her children's fathers. 

When I announced that i was engaged (no baby yet, we are virgins) my cousins talked about getting married too. I'm getting married in October and my cousins are getting married in August and September.

I feel like my engagment prompted them to pick up their feet because they are older than me and 'should' be married first. I was looking forward to having the first wedding of all my cousins but that makes me sound like a snob or selfish. I'm happy my cousins are getting married but i can't help feeling like they stole my thunder.

My fiance and my mom understand my feelings and think i may be right about them suddenly being motivated. Should I tell my cousins how I feel? I'm not super close to them but we talk every now and then. 

Oh, and one of my cousins even said she is thinking of next fall but doesn't want to be too close to my date but now she is almost one month before me.

sister2groom

Do not tell them how you feel, I can see it being slightly annoying at first, but it's not like they chose the day before you, a month or two before you is not breaking any protocol. Try to just be happy for them.

Is it possible your upcoming wedding spurred them on? Absolutely. But don't you think it's better that these women will be married to the fathers of their kids, rather than just continuing to sleep with them? Spurring them on to do the right thing is a great thing.

catwine

You're right, it's just hard because by the time  my wedding comes around it will be less exciting in my family.
I am happy that there are weddings and they are finally doing the right thing, but it still hurts a little.

Purple&7

My cousin announced her wedding for April 2012 right after I announced mine for June 2012. I was soo mad!! So, I know how you feel. After a few months, I got to where I just didn't care anymore.  That's when I realized that she gets her day and I get mine.

I never told my cousin how I felt. 

kipnus

I think you are totally justified in feeling the way you do, but I agree with PPs--you shouldn't say anything to them about it. Your wedding is going to be very special, no matter what happens before it.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cousins-planning-weddings-close-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5aaf8d80-e9f7-4b3e-8378-d4ccfef894f2Post:e36f216c-8035-4677-844c-3690b8305566">Re: my cousins are planning weddings close to mine</a>:
[QUOTE]You're right, it's just hard because by the time  my wedding comes around it will be less exciting in my family. I am happy that there are weddings and they are finally doing the right thing, but it still hurts a little.
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

Them getting married will have no effect on how special and exciting your wedding is for your family, I promise.

mattycam

I think it would be great if you cousin's got married. However, how do you know they  will get married especially if one has been engaged for 6 years? Whether they have their day close to yours or not, make you day as special and memorable as you can. I also recommend not telling them how you feel and perhaps keeping your wedding details to yourself.

ElisabethJoanne

I agree with PPs. I agree with theknot consensus. You get one day, or maybe one weekend, for your wedding. Family and friends can schedule their weddings and other parties at any other time, and everyone should be happy for everyone.

I'm constantly rethinking my feelings on the evils (or not) of fornication, but it sounds like an additional reason your wedding will be special is because of your commitment to high sexual standards. That is of course not something to rub in your family's faces, but it is something to treasure in your hearts.

azdancer8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cousins-planning-weddings-close-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5aaf8d80-e9f7-4b3e-8378-d4ccfef894f2Post:8f773975-5b24-412f-9f1f-ac2706329d79">Re: my cousins are planning weddings close to mine</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you are totally justified in feeling the way you do, but I agree with PPs--you shouldn't say anything to them about it. Your wedding is going to be very special, no matter what happens before it.
Posted by kipnus[/QUOTE]

Can I cosign this? Very well put.

catwine

Thanks for the thoughts, ladies. I will keep my mouth shut to my cousins.
like  ElisabethJoanne said: our wedding will be special for the fact that we are doing things in the order we see as right (get married, have sex, have kids).

sessionswedding

Try being on the flip side of this.  You have been engaged for years and are excited to announce your potential September wedding date to your family, then your younger cousin comes along and announces her October wedding.  Now you have to either wait LONGER to get married, or look like a bully for "stealing your younger cousin's thunder," despite having been engaged to your FI longer than she's even been in a relationship with hers.

Just saying, there's two sides to every story and saying something to your cousins could open up hurt feelings on all sides.

iamjoesgurl

I agree that your wedding will be special to your family even if there have been a few before yours.  It is too bad if they are trying to "steal your thunder" but if that is true, I agree with matty that you shouldn't share any details from your wedding day with them.  In the end, your wedding is for you and FI.  I know without a doubt that your wedding day will be the most special day to the two of you and in the end, that's what really matters most.

RebeccaJac

FI's family has 3 other weddings in June. So cousins are getting married just DAYS after we are. It is what it is. They get their day I get mine. 

I would be very offended if you tried to postpone my wedding-- especially if it was because you didn't agree with my sex life. Sorry hun, but you have no right to make decisions about their wedding or their relationships. 

naomikb

Meh, whatever.  My cousin got engaged 2 weeks after us and got married 2 months before us.  Me and my mom were the only ones who "compared" or even noticed similarities/differences.  No one else cared one little bit, and they all had fun at both events.

You get one day, and you should let them have their special day too (whatever their motivation is).

FaithCaitlin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cousins-planning-weddings-close-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5aaf8d80-e9f7-4b3e-8378-d4ccfef894f2Post:8f773975-5b24-412f-9f1f-ac2706329d79">Re: my cousins are planning weddings close to mine</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you are totally justified in feeling the way you do, but I agree with PPs--you shouldn't say anything to them about it. Your wedding is going to be very special, no matter what happens before it.
Posted by kipnus[/QUOTE]
Agreed!!<div>
</div><div>I'm sorry-- I'd be upset too.</div>

mrandmrsbrist

Sessions said what I was thinking...

toothpastechica

personally i love weddings so 3 family weddings a month apart sounds like an awesome time to catch up with family and get dressed up! I dont think its a big deal, and you are cousins not sisters, which means while there will be some overlap of family....they will be in different roles at each wedding and will view them differently...your mom wont be a mob at thier weddings, thier bridesmaides most likely wont be your bridesmaids...its a different wedding and its going to be important to the people its going to be imporantant to.

RyansBelovedBride

In our family, my younger sister is marrying late next fall (it was going to be Sept 29th, but her FIL have protested because a relative died on that date), her FSIL is getting married in April, my older sister's SIL is getting married in December, and our cousin is getting married in mid September.

I don't know when I'm getting married really, because it will depend on visa issues and budgeting, because it'll be an international affair, and because I want to leave a decent amount of time between me and my younger sister, so our relatives can afford to attend both.  Our parents and us live in SC, the rest of the family live in NJ, MO, CA, and FL for the most part. Our guest lists will be almost 100% out of town guests.  So if we're too close together, some relatives will choose one wedding or the other.

My younger sister is an unbeliever and so I can't really get her to understand why I want to marry sooner rather than later- the answer being Ryan and I prayed about it this summer and God answered us with a resounding SOONER.  She and her fiance have already been engaged for over a year, and it'll be over two years when they get married (they'll have been together 6 1/2 or more years then).  Meanwhile Ryan and I have only been together less than a year and a half, and probably around 2 years when we get married. 

So she feels like I'm trying to steal her thunder, but the truth is I'm not. But every time a wedding hiccup comes up for her and her husband to be, they move their wedding back. And since God told me to marry sooner rather than later, Ryan and I are not playing that game. So if she said she'll get married in May (she graduates college then and really can't before then) I'd gladly hold mine off until the fall to give her room. But if she's waiting until the fall, then I'm looking at the spring, because I feel like if I get married in 2013, that's not really 'sooner', and therefore not in obedience to God.

I'm praying for her and my future brother-in-law, and honestly I hope they do say 'screw it, let's do it in May' because I'd love them to finally get married. But if they don't, I'm going to ignore any 'steal my thunder' talk because it is what it is, and I'm not putting off my wedding for another six months because she's getting married.

(I did try to talk to her about sharing a wedding week, so our guests could just come into town for one week and save airfare and we'd still each have our own day. She said no way, and my mom also thinks I'm crazy, but I went to the weddings of two brother friends of mine this past spring who did that, and it was great and made perfect sense. Ah well.)

sessionswedding

RBB, you should tell your sister that you are going forward with your plans as if she is getting married in May.  Plan your wedding for July or later in 2012.  Tell her that you have set a date for (insert date here) based on her May wedding date and that if she moves her date closer to yours, then she is "stealing your thunder."  Besides, if she is still not 100% sure that she's getting married in May - which is only SIX MONTHS from now - she can't expect you to just wait around forever for her to be sure, because it sounds like she won't be until she's walking down the aisle.

ETA:  I seem to remember really wanting a sister when I was growing up (I have two younger brothers) and now I'm really, REALLY glad that I don't.  Even my two new SILs have caused me more drama than I've had in a LIFETIME during the wedding process!  As an adult woman who had no competition for her wedding date, I am so glad I am an only girl, haha.

RyansBelovedBride

She's actually not planning for May. That'd just be the soonest she possibly could, because she's not getting married until they could actually living together, which means graduating college, which she does in May. But she doesn't want to marry in May because his sister is marrying April so that'd just be too close to her. And she doesn't want June because 'ew' (June is too cliche to her). And then July and August, well they're still the summer.  And she wanted September, but it has to be at the end of the month (no matter what month) because she and her FI started dating at the end of a month so that'd be sentimental. But now it can't be September because her FIL had someone die then. And so it's now October... but November is her favorite months, so if she's moving it to October, maybe it should just be November? But then she says 'I don't want to move it back that far! I just want to be married already!!'

So then I say, well then just do it in May! And I'd also like that, because then since she got engaged first, she'll get married first, because there's no way I'm putting my wedding off until 2013 just because she's doing hers in November or October. And it'd be much easier for her because then she and her FI would be married for the rest of the year and not stressing out about getting married and where should they live and planning long distance (because regardless of where they find jobs, they're getting married in this area) and etc, etc...

It's dizzying.

Meanwhile I really can't know when I'm getting married until we get visas worked out, so if she'd just get married in May I'd love it because I could say 'good. We'll aim for the fall and be almost 6 months apart'. But if she gets married in the fall, well I can't really aim for May because the visa stuff might not be done by then, and then we'll have no choice but have weddings less than 6 months apart, and mine would be before hers, and then probably there will be plenty of guests who can't come to both and she'll be angry at me.

Sigh.  I really love her and I want her to be happy and have a lovely wedding and be married.

Oh! And another reason it'd be nice if she married first is because I'm moving to India and I'd kind of like to be at her wedding, lol. And if I marry in say, July, and she marries in October, I doubt I can afford the airfare. But if she'd just pick a date before me, then she'd be good. But the only reason she won't is because summer weddings are too cliche. That burns. And if I can't afford to come back for her wedding she'll just be angry at me for years (she's a grudge holder) because she was engaged first and so it was all my fault. Sigh.

toothpastechica

hey at least its not like Bride Wars in the same venue on the same day....it could be worse!

polkadot111

Umm... NO.

You get one day for your wedding. Your wedding is not a month or two long- it's one stinkin' day.

Who cares when your friends or family members get married- as long as it's not ON your day, get over it.

lkirby85

I agree with everyone else and that you should NOT talk to your cousins about this issue you are having.  It has the potential to create drama and that is not something you want hanging around at weddings.

I do, however, disagree with those that say it is not tour business when they have their wedding.  Hear me out before getting upset!  It's not your business as far as telling them not to.  Your wedding will be special not matter how close to your day they have theirs. I do think the only thing that is your business regarding when they have their weddings is whether or not your family will be able to attend all three weddings in such a short time frame.  In most cases this is not an issue.  In your case, it may not be either, and it still doesn't give you the right to be upset about their dates but if you have several out of town guests that you are afraid may not be able to travel that much then you may want to talk to those relatives and find out of they think they can get all that time off of work and do all that traveling.  If this turns out to be an issue and you can't bear it, change your date or your plans.  

I know it isn't a great solution and I hope it isn't even an issue but either way cheer up and good luck!