How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?

arendiva

In general I belive in giving every adult a plus one and I intend to do so. However I do have one aunt who has a history of dating complete lunatics (her last long term bf is currently serving jail time for threatening to kill her) and I have a friend with  a long history of dating drug using losers (usually shorterm). I hate to be judgemental but I would really rather not have these sorts of plus 1's at my wedding. I love my friend and my aunt (their poor romantic choices don't usually impact my life) and I don't want to bruise any feelings, but I'm sure that they are going to notice that everyone else invited to the wedding is bringing dates and they weren't given that option. How do I avoid drama in this situation?

[Deleted User]

If they are in a relationship, it is not up to you to judge the seriousness or quality of who they choose to be with at that time.  It would be rude to exclude their significant other.

HockeyFan4

If someone is in a relationship they need to be invited together, as they are a social unit.  That person is not a plus one.

A plus one is given to a truly single guest.  You can choose to do this or not. 

I will say if they are not in a relationship, but you choose to give everyone else a plus one, they probably will notice and be annoyed.

Honestly, you will be so busy that day you will hardly notice/have to interact with their dates.

PhoneCardLady

Ok, I'm gonna play the devil's advocate here....

On another board Idon't frequent as much says "No ring, no bring!"

HockeyFan4

Phone card lady that is horrible advice.

Some people get engaged after a few months, other people will be together for years before they get engaged.

A few of my friends were actually with their significant other for over 10 years before they got engaged. 

ChristineNB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:6f3708ff-080a-4c8c-ac6d-6814d4e29372">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm gonna play the devil's advocate here.... On another board Idon't frequent as much says "No ring, no bring!"
Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]
So the fact that DH and I were dating for years but chose to only be "engaged" for about 8 months meant that the time before I had a ring wasn't serious??  That I shouldn't have been the plus 1 with him to several of his friend's weddings because, I was just his gf?  You are wrong, and this is so rude.  I would be offended if I would not have been invited with my DH to an event when we were dating.

MedStudent13

In the rules for this etiquette forum it expressly forbids giving advice that is contrary to proper rules of etiquette. Just because you feel that it is rude doesn't mean that it is wrong. Emily Post says that spouses, fiancees/fiances, and live-in partners must be invited, and issuing an invitation to a boyfriend/girlfriend is up to the bride and groom's discretion. Whether they like it or not, people are not entitled to a plus one just because they feel like they are in a serious relationship. Here is a good explanation of proper etiquette reguarding plus ones:

http://ask-jocelyn.blogspot.com/2010/07/plus-one

Carson386

If our guests have a SO at the time invitations go out, they will get a plus 1, I'm sorry if this sounds mean- if the person doesn't have a SO at the time the person is invited, I'm not making this a date for someone's "flavor of the week".

MedStudent13

Carson, that is perfectly acceptable, not mean. If anyone would get seriously offended and will hold a grudge for years, you probably wouldn't want them to be at you wedding anyways

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:a8aaa9b0-320e-499d-92b1-61aae313c8a6">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In the rules for this etiquette forum it expressly forbids giving advice that is contrary to proper rules of etiquette. Just because you feel that it is rude doesn't mean that it is wrong. Emily Post says that spouses, fiancees/fiances, and live-in partners must be invited, and issuing an invitation to a boyfriend/girlfriend is up to the bride and groom's discretion. Whether they like it or not, people are not entitled to a plus one just because they feel like they are in a serious relationship. Here is a good explanation of proper etiquette reguarding plus ones: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://ask-jocelyn.blogspot.com/2010/07/plus-one">http://ask-jocelyn.blogspot.com/2010/07/plus-one</a>
Posted by MedStudent13[/QUOTE]

Actually you are wrong.  Here is the link from the actual Emily Post website:
<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/521-receptioninvitationcourtesies">http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/521-receptioninvitationcourtesies</a>

Which states that: "For most people, this means family and close friends but as you build your guest list, there are a few people who, out of courtesy, should also receive an invitation: your officiant and his or her spouse; and the <strong>spouse</strong>, <strong>partner</strong>, <strong>fiancé(e),</strong> or <strong>significant other</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>any attendant or guest in a committed relationship</strong>."

Which as people on this board have stated you have no right to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship.  So if they consider themselves in a relationship that person is by default their significant other or they consider themselves in a committed relationship.  Honestly, this isn't rocket science to not be rude.

TheVirginians

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:c752ac42-843b-4c3e-9bac-85e9c011377e">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]If our guests have a SO at the time invitations go out, they will get a plus 1, I'm sorry if this sounds mean- if the person doesn't have a SO at the time the person is invited, I'm not making this a date for someone's "flavor of the week".
Posted by Carson386[/QUOTE]

I agree with you. We are inviting all significant others. That means we know and know the names of all partners attending.  If any singles want to bring "flavor of the week", then they can call and ask us. Of couse, we will say yes.

arendiva

I think people are missing the issue that I'm trying to present. I KNOW that I should give everyone plus one's. I suppose in the case of my friend I can suck it up and do so. But my Aunt's BF/Fiance is crazy. He will be out of jail by the time I marry and based on their relationship history I have every reason to believe they will be back together. This man has threatened my aunts life and one of hers sisters lifes. He has also been incredibly rude to me on multiple occassions. (telling me that if I ever gained 25 pound my FH would leave me, telling me that because fh and were roomates with one of his male friends that I was going to f*ck said male friend because "a man and a woman can't live together without having sex" etc etc. He has said worse things to my cousins who would all be very uncomfortable if he were present. And did I mention my wedding will have an open bar? No I'm not inviting this a$$hole. What I'm asking is how I can politely not invite him.

HockeyFan4

he sounds like a peach.  The problem is there is no polite way not to invite him.  You can decide not to invite him, but chances are you will make your aunt upset.  You need to decide if it is worth it to have your aunt upset, or what *might* happen at your wedding.

kaos16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:4b334497-a5a9-4ed0-b3fa-3a6c03be62c4">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think people are missing the issue that I'm trying to present. I KNOW that I should give everyone plus one's. I suppose in the case of my friend I can suck it up and do so. But my Aunt's BF/Fiance is crazy. He will be out of jail by the time I marry and based on their relationship history I have every reason to believe they will be back together. This man has threatened my aunts life and one of hers sisters lifes. He has also been incredibly rude to me on multiple occassions. (telling me that if I ever gained 25 pound my FH would leave me, telling me that because fh and were roomates with one of his male friends that I was going to f*ck said male friend because "a man and a woman can't live together without having sex" etc etc. He has said worse things to my cousins who would all be very uncomfortable if he were present. And did I mention my wedding will have an open bar? No I'm not inviting this a$$hole. What I'm asking is how I can politely not invite him.
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

If your plan is to not invite him, than that is what you are going to do. . . . irrespective of advice on this site. To answer your question, there is no polite way to not invite the SO of a guest. Just know that your decision to exclude him will likely cause hard feelings with your aunt.

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:4b334497-a5a9-4ed0-b3fa-3a6c03be62c4">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think people are missing the issue that I'm trying to present. I KNOW that I should give everyone plus one's. I suppose in the case of my friend I can suck it up and do so. But my Aunt's BF/Fiance is crazy. He will be out of jail by the time I marry and based on their relationship history I have every reason to believe they will be back together. This man has threatened my aunts life and one of hers sisters lifes. He has also been incredibly rude to me on multiple occassions. (telling me that if I ever gained 25 pound my FH would leave me, telling me that because fh and were roomates with one of his male friends that I was going to f*ck said male friend because "a man and a woman can't live together without having sex" etc etc. He has said worse things to my cousins who would all be very uncomfortable if he were present. And did I mention my wedding will have an open bar? No I'm not inviting this a$$hole. What I'm asking is how I can politely not invite him.
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

OP, ditto Hocky.  I don't think you can. If he is an ass on a normal occassion think of how much MORE of an ass he will be when you are purposefully rude to him.  I really feel for you (and my respose before was not directed towards you at all).  You can try hiring security - even if it is just a big, burly high school football player or something - and give him a heads up about this guy and to take care of him and kick him out if things get out of hand.  I hope everything works out.

allychase

At our friends wedding one of our friends was invited without his girlfriend. Apparently they'd been together for a year but the bride didn't know he even had a girlfriend. Our friend wasn't offended, he figured since the bride and groom had no idea who his girlfriend was there was no reason for her to be at their wedding. He spent five hours without his girlfriend and hung out with his friends and guess what, he survived. No one cared. I love that etiquette states that all SO have to be invited, even if they're crazy, you need to wine and dine them for the night? What about common sense? Some people are known to cause scenes and IMO if you don't want that type of person there don't invite them. No one can tell you who to invite to your wedding. Do what is best for all of your guests and don't include nut jobs.

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:d8509fbb-cd21-4809-b1f2-59174f451bdf">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's? : I wouldn't invite the aunt's bf. I think someone who has served time for threatening to kill one of your guests can easily be an exception to the "everyone in a relationship gets a +1" rule. 
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

While I agree, there is still the fact that OP doesn't know what he will actually do if he isn't invited.  Maybe he will get so pissed off he will hurt her aunt, or come and crash the wedding. Maybe not inviting him, will make him force her aunt to not come. I don't know, and because I don't know and I don't know whether the OP knows, I think it may still be best to suck it up and invite the guy.  But that is me going off of the assumption that inviting him will be the lesser of two evils and not inviting him will cause a much bigger shitstorm.  If OP is confident that not inviting him won't be bad for her and her family, then don't invite him.

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:6e93410a-b15f-48fa-b370-978d27c371be">Re:How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]At our friends wedding one of our friends was invited without his girlfriend. Apparently they'd been together for a year but the bride didn't know he even had a girlfriend. Our friend wasn't offended, he figured since the bride and groom had no idea who his girlfriend was there was no reason for her to be at their wedding. He spent five hours without his girlfriend and hung out with his friends and guess what, he survived. No one cared. I love that etiquette states that all SO have to be invited, even if they're crazy, you need to wine and dine them for the night? What about common sense? Some people are known to cause scenes and IMO if you don't want that type of person there don't invite them. No one can tell you who to invite to your wedding. Do what is best for all of your guests and don't include nut jobs.
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

It's called not being a jerk.  Just because your friend wasn't offended doesn't mean that her aunt won't be offended either.

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:819aec93-70ca-4c4f-a39c-bdc23c88fa59">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's? : That makes sense. I was just saying that from an etiquette stand point I think the OP is fine not inviting him. What would be the smarter choice is hard to say without more information.  <strong>I would consider hiring security either way.</strong> Good luck OP.
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

HockeyFan4

A couple of things....

Your wedding is a year away.  Hopefully in that time your aunt will smarten up and drop this guy.  In which case, this is all moot.

I think if your aunt has been threatened to be killed by this guy and is in jail for it, your family needs to try to assist your aunt, if she is thinking of taking him back when he is out of jail.  I know we are in wedding world, but I think getting help for your aunt right now is what is important.

If your aunt is still with the guy after your family tries to help her, maybe they both shouldn't be invited.  Maybe your aunt needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

arendiva

Thank you for all the advice. I think all talk to my aunt when the time comes if she is back together with him. If I talk to her I can hopefully make her understand that his presence would make other people uncomfortable (especially her children) and that I would like her to come come solo. I hope her feelings won't be hurt but frankly I'd rather have her mad at me than have a drunk psycho threatening my guests. But if she smarts up and dumps him I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she'll do better next time and I will give her a plus 1 in compliance with ettiquette.

PhoneCardLady

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:8843b792-55d2-495e-9399-f6ae4609d92c">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Phone card lady that is horrible advice. Some people get engaged after a few months, other people will be together for years before they get engaged. A few of my friends were actually with their significant other for over 10 years before they got engaged. 
Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]

Oh, I totally agree!  I was horrified that someone actually said that.

I was not giving this advice by no means.  I was just stating what had been said on another board.

The only acception to plus 1's are:

The S/O is in jail
The S/O has a personal protection warrant out on them

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:d0c1c899-5e79-4e47-8337-4e9d043a0907">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE] If your aunt is still with the guy after your family tries to help her, maybe they both shouldn't be invited.  Maybe your aunt needs to learn that her actions have consequences.
Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  She is an adult and is free to make her own choices about who to be involved with.  However, she also needs to understand that those choices might affect her being included in things by other people.  She needs to decide if the creep is more important to her than being included in family events.  Truthfully, I don't blame you for not wanting him there, even though etiquette states that he should be invited.  I especially agree if it means you might have to spend extra money to hire a security guard to protect you from someone that wouldn't be on your guest list under other circumstances, and who has already proven he can't be trusted to behave in accordance with the law.

tmwishful

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:6f3708ff-080a-4c8c-ac6d-6814d4e29372">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm gonna play the devil's advocate here.... On another board Idon't frequent as much says "No ring, no bring!"
Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]

<div>My feeling is more along this line.  If a couple is living together, BRING.  If a couple is unstable, on-off again or dating a criminal, I have no problem not giving them a +1.  It's a wedding, not a single's dance.  Especially if the BF is a complete jerk, why should she have to invite them?</div>

tmwishful

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:4b334497-a5a9-4ed0-b3fa-3a6c03be62c4">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think people are missing the issue that I'm trying to present. I KNOW that I should give everyone plus one's. I suppose in the case of my friend I can suck it up and do so. But my Aunt's BF/Fiance is crazy. He will be out of jail by the time I marry and based on their relationship history I have every reason to believe they will be back together. This man has threatened my aunts life and one of hers sisters lifes. He has also been incredibly rude to me on multiple occassions. (telling me that if I ever gained 25 pound my FH would leave me, telling me that because fh and were roomates with one of his male friends that I was going to f*ck said male friend because "a man and a woman can't live together without having sex" etc etc. He has said worse things to my cousins who would all be very uncomfortable if he were present. And did I mention my wedding will have an open bar? No I'm not inviting this a$$hole. What I'm asking is how I can politely not invite him.
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>You don't have to invite this person.  It's your wedding.  </div>

ReichertWedding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:91f4ee5e-9086-4c5f-83dc-d1f14324cdb1">How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In general I belive in giving every adult a plus one and I intend to do so. However I do have one aunt who has a history of dating complete lunatics (her last long term bf is currently serving jail time for threatening to kill her) and I have a friend with  a long history of dating drug using losers (usually shorterm). I hate to be judgemental but I would really rather not have these sorts of plus 1's at my wedding. I love my friend and my aunt (their poor romantic choices don't usually impact my life) and I don't want to bruise any feelings, but I'm sure that they are going to notice that everyone else invited to the wedding is bringing dates and they weren't given that option. How do I avoid drama in this situation?
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

Make sure your aunt and your friend know that they will not be permitted a plus one for your wedding, and that the invitation is only for them specifically. I would not want their questionable partners at my wedding, either. You do in fact have a say in this, as it is your wedding. If they bring it up with you, tell them you are not going to argue with them , your decision is made. If they get angry, let them know that they don't have to attend the wedding if that's how they feel.  

ANON920

delete

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-delicately-deny-a-couple-of-people-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68d8a59a-dde8-4ff8-abb6-790a83e95c89Post:6faeac99-4c2c-4a6b-a1d9-0fa6a8e185bf">Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to delicately deny a couple of people plus 1's? : I<strong> agree with this.  She is an adult and is free to make her own choices about who to be involved with.  However, she also needs to understand that those choices might affect her being included in things by other people.  She needs to decide if the creep is more important to her than being included in family events.</strong>  Truthfully, I don't blame you for not wanting him there, even though etiquette states that he should be invited.  I especially agree if it means you might have to spend extra money to hire a security guard to protect you from someone that wouldn't be on your guest list under other circumstances, and who has already proven he can't be trusted to behave in accordance with the law.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I wouldn't invite him, but I wouldn't exclude the aunt. If the guy is truly abusive, then that's just giving him <em>exactly</em> what he wants.  Abusers want to isolate their victims. They want them to feel like their friends and family don't care about them; that the only person who cares about them is the abuser.</div><div>
</div><div>I wouldn't invite someone who has physically threatened another guest.  I also wouldn't invite someone who has patently offended me.  Some things are worth breaking etiquette for.  I think this is one of those cases. 

</div>

amandajared

Why not just say to your aunt what you are saying to all of us? Simple, and to the point.