Why is the no kid policy offensive?

Whensfriday

I posted earlier about FIs relative being so offended about her daughter not being able to bring her 3 y.o. Son to the wedding, so much so that she rsvp'ed yes but has told people she wont show up. I don't have kids, so its hard for me to understand why this is so offensive to people. Weddings are a really personal thing for the bride and groom, and should, for the most part, be respected.
It just seems to me, that if you can't make it, send your regrets and move on. If you're close enough to the bride and groom to feel like you are entitled to bring your kid, you should be close enough to them to care about their feelings/wishes.
Just a rant... But also, your thoughts?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-is-the-no-kid-policy-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:881e757c-5804-4957-b95e-b4e42b536229Post:32555ac4-0170-408c-bd03-bee0486790b9">Why is the no kid policy offensive?</a>:
[QUOTE]I posted earlier about FIs relative being so offended about her daughter not being able to bring her 3 y.o. Son to the wedding, so much so that she rsvp'ed yes but has told people she wont show up. I don't have kids, so its hard for me to understand why this is so offensive to people. Weddings are a really personal thing for the bride and groom, and should, for the most part, be respected. It just seems to me, that if you can't make it, send your regrets and move on. If you're close enough to the bride and groom to feel like you are entitled to bring your kid, you should be close enough to them to care about their feelings/wishes. Just a rant... But also, your thoughts?
Posted by Whensfriday[/QUOTE]
My thought is, why did this need a second post?  You got responses in your other thread.

To answer your question, though, people are entitled and think that their little darlings should be invited to everything along with them. 

Carson386

It' not offensive. I'm having no kids at mine other than his 2 nephews. Some people take it the wrong way. When m cousin foud out that we weren't inviting childen, se informed me that she wasn't coming without her kids. I told her we would miss her. I don't feel like I need to give anyone a reason for not inviting kids. My feeling is that children (for the most part) don't understand the concept of a wedding, I can't afford all the kids that would be there, and I don't have room for all of the kids there.

AdeleDazeem

A lot of people think that their kid should be allowed everywhere they go.

A lot of people think babysitters kill children for sport.

A lot of people are stupid.

I'm sorry your fiance's relative is so upset about this.  The problem is really hers and hers alone. 

Have you read STFU Parents?  It's enlightening.  A somewhat scary.

Peledreamsofrain

It's not that it's offensive, it's just that kids make everything incredibly complicated and difficult for their parents (but they're worth it!).  They have to be planned for in advance, especially if the parent doesn't have options for leaving the child behind in someone else's care.  So if she can't bring the child, she has no option but to not go.  And that is understandibly disappointing.

Then there's always the parental reaction of "what's wrong with my child that you don't want them there?  Arn't they family too?" 

I kind of wanted a child free wedding too, but decided against it because it was too much potential melodrama and emotional backlash.

Whensfriday

Re: baystate... Maybe I should have worded it differently. The first was more of a "how do I handle this" post. You know, should I call, let it go, etc. This one was meant as a why does it happen in the first place? its been a while since I looked at stfu parents, but today sounds like a good day to catch up, thanks for reminding me!

Kimbac13

I'll chime in with the other perspective.  My Mom had kids young, so when her cousins were getting married, she was already saddled with three of us.  My mother couldn't alwyas afford a babysitter, so she declined the invitations to these weddings. 

My mother always told us that she thought it was rude to exclude children from a wedding becuase it "splits up the social unit" for those with a family.  She felt that excluding children for a family centric event, was counter intuitive. 

Personally, I tend to agree about the family centric part, which is why we invited children to our wedding.  Granted, our nieces and nephews are uncommonly well-behaved.  If that were not the case, we might be taking a different stance.  All of our family members are bringing their children.  Most of our friends are leaving them home and enjoying a date night.

It's funny how commonly received etiquitte on this particular issue seems to have evolved over time.  I think that child-free weddings are much more accepted now-a-days.  At least that is my perspective.  That the older generations consider child-free weddings rude, while younger generations do not.

wrigleyville

My family plays the, "They're family too, and everyone wants to see them!" card. My answer? Plan a family reunion or birthday party if you want to show off your kid. I'm not hosting Precious Snowflakepalooza.

Obviously, I don't say that aloud, but I think it every. single. time.

If we had picked a different venue, we might have invited them, but it's just too risky. I'm not so much worried about them damaging something (which insurance would cover) as getting hurt. Also, we'll be right on Lake Michigan, and the patio doesn't have a barrier. I'd be worried about a kid drowning, and I know I'd spend most of the reception trying to keep my eye on them. It's simply safer not to invite them.

baystateapple

We had a "no kids" policy.  None of our immediate family members have children, so it wasn't a big deal.  I had one person threaten not to come if we didn't invite her 8-year-old, but she ended up coming anyway. 

It was definitely more irritating when my aunt showed up to my shower with her six-year-old granddaughter in tow, after being told that it was an "adults only" shower.  My cousins had been told that it was no-kids, so they were pissed that they had found sitters and that my aunt had just ignored the request.  Ah well.  Nothing you can really do about it if it happens.  Just know that the ones who disregard your wishes and bring their kids look like jerks, not you.

pkontk

Weddings are family centric, but there is a time and a place for children.  We invited children of family members to the wedding (those were the only young kids invited, and my parents' neighbors' 12 year old twins, who are barely children at this point).  I know that two of the family memers with children will not bring them, because they want some time away as adults.

It is up to brides and grooms to decide what, if any children are invited, but it is also up to parents to accept or decline invitations that don't have their childrens' names listed.

sarabellam

As a parent, I've had to miss some events because my child(ren) weren't invited. It goes with the territory of being a parent, or at least it should. I've also had people ask me why I couldn't make it to such-and-such (after the fact), and when I mentioned that I couldn't get a babysitter, I was informed, "You should have brought them along." Um, no, they weren't invited.

UberBiz

I dont' think it's offensive to have a no-kids wedding, my best friend had an adults-only wedding and so I got my brother (who wasn't invited), to watch my then 2-yr old daughter. But I do think it's rude, if you know it's an adult-only wedding, to ask for an exception. You either can make plans to go, or you can't, and you will be missed.

For me, though, my family is scattered across the east coast, and planning family reunions or birthday parties just to get the whole family together takes a LOT of work. 90% of the people for my side of the guest list is family. And that includes all aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids. My take is that if I'm going to invite my family, I'm going to invite ALL of them because I don't know when I will get to see them again.

Summer2011Bride

Not offensive to not invite children; like others have said, some parents think their children should get to go everywhere with them. FWIW, we did have children at our wedding, but I still think that mentality is stupid. There are just some places where kids aren't invited. Do I think weddings are "inappropriate" for children? No. But I do think the hosts should get to decide if they want kids on the guest list or not, and the guests should respect it.

Just like, if I wanted a big backyard BBQ with all our family and yard games, I might invite the kids. If I wanted to host a swanky dinner party/wine tasting (not that I've ever even done this ha!), I would probably only invite the adults. People just need to not be so offended when their kids aren't invited everywhere (and some parents aren't; I'm not generalizing). I love dogs but know I can't bring my dog everywhere I go. While my house is dog-friendly and I'm fine with it, others aren't. I don't get up in arms about that. Not a human, so I know it's a little different, but same sentiment.

And also, STFU Parents is wonderful.

willywally5

I get very irritated with parents who think their children must go EVERYWHERE. No, not EVERYONE wants to see your little cherub. Or maybe they just don't want to see them at certain functions. 

I have been to weddings where well-behaved children were present and it was just fine. I have been to others where parents allowed their kids to run roughshod all over the place and it was horrible. Plus they kept them out until well past their normal bedtime, and it showed. I don't know anyone who wants to be around screaming, crying, overtired kids. 

Ignoring hosts' wishes regarding kids/no kids by RSVPing for them, just bringing them anyway or asking for an exception for any child other than an infant is very, VERY rude IMO. 

Further, I think it's important for parents to get out and about sans children from time to time in order to maintain their roles as husband/wife and not just parents. 

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-is-the-no-kid-policy-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:881e757c-5804-4957-b95e-b4e42b536229Post:5fa22525-28aa-4243-9045-92c003c41d08">Re: Why is the no kid policy offensive?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll chime in with the other perspective.  <strong>My Mom had kids young, so when her cousins were getting married, she was already saddled with three of us.  My mother couldn't alwyas afford a babysitter, so she declined the invitations to these weddings.</strong>  <strong>My mother always told us that she thought it was rude to exclude children from a wedding becuase it "splits up the social unit" for those with a family.  She felt that excluding children for a family centric event, was counter intuitive.</strong>  Personally, I tend to agree about the family centric part, which is why we invited children to our wedding.  Granted, our nieces and nephews are uncommonly well-behaved.  If that were not the case, we might be taking a different stance.  All of our family members are bringing their children.  Most of our friends are leaving them home and enjoying a date night. <strong>It's funny how commonly received etiquitte on this particular issue seems to have evolved over time.</strong>  I think that child-free weddings are much more accepted now-a-days.  At least that is my perspective.  That the older generations consider child-free weddings rude, while younger generations do not.
Posted by Kimbac13[/QUOTE]

1) It was your mother's choice to have kids young. She takes the consequences of that just like any other young mother.

2) A social unit does not include kids. It's the couple. That's what's rude to split up.

3) Weddings are not always "family centric". They're not family reunions. They about celebrating the love of two people, not a whole family.

4) Having a kid free wedding isn't about etiquette. The etiquette takes place in HOW you go about letting guests know they're kids are not invited.

Kimbac13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-is-the-no-kid-policy-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:881e757c-5804-4957-b95e-b4e42b536229Post:149cb6bd-7497-4013-9c3e-38b04482d1a3">Re: Why is the no kid policy offensive?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why is the no kid policy offensive? : 1) It was your mother's choice to have kids young. She takes the consequences of that just like any other young mother. 2) A social unit does not include kids. It's the couple. That's what's rude to split up. 3) Weddings are not always "family centric". They're not family reunions. They about celebrating the love of two people, not a whole family. 4) Having a kid free wedding isn't about etiquette. The etiquette takes place in HOW you go about letting guests know they're kids are not invited.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

1.) Understood.  Just explaining the sentiment.  I think she would accept said consequences any day since we are such awesome kids.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

2.)  Actually, a social unit is technically defined as: a person or a group of persons, as a family, functioning as a unit in society. 

3.)  I completely agree with this.  As PP said, there are some venues that are just completely inappropriate for children.  Some of these are wedding venues.  I dont disagree with this at all.

4.)  Ah, here I thought etiquete was about making one's guests feel comfortable.

I am not against kid-free weddings, contrary to how my post might read.  I love kids and all, but I completely understand that they are unpredictable.  The best parents in the world can have really rambunctious kids (especially when said kids are made to wear uncomfortable clothes, sit quietly for a ceremony, and then tossed into a social sitation with a hundred strangers and loud music...and then given cake!!).  Persoanlly, I cant imagine a parent wanting to deal with that at a wedding. 

Some parents, however ,would prefer it.  Much like some single folks would prefer to bring a guest.  I am not saying that kids (or guests for singles) should be required according to etiquette, just speculating how some parents might feel.  Which was the question asked in the title of the OP, more or less.

purplebear17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-is-the-no-kid-policy-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:881e757c-5804-4957-b95e-b4e42b536229Post:149cb6bd-7497-4013-9c3e-38b04482d1a3">Re: Why is the no kid policy offensive?</a>:
[QUOTE] 4) Having a kid free wedding isn't about etiquette. The etiquette takes place in HOW you go about letting guests know they're kids are not invited.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

I would agree with this entirely!

I have kids and prefer they be invited (easier than finding a babysitter, less complicated logistically, less worrying about whether they are ok home with the sitter, etc), but I fully understand when they are not. I have good kids who behave, but I know plenty of people do not. So, we make accommodations or we do not go. It's not how we planned our wedding, but that's ok. Everyone gets to plan the wedding they'd like.

I do NOT like it when I go to a wedding that's been labeled "adult reception" on the invite (rude), only DH and I were invited on the envelope, so we followed the "rules", and show up to find other people's children there. We make a big effort to secure evening care for the kids, but not everyone is held to the same standard. The B&G have a right to invite who they wish, but to hide behind "adult only reception" and allow other kids while excluding certain kids is rude. Just invite who you want, and man up if people RSVP with 15 kids - call and explain that no,sorry for the misunderstanding, but the kids are not invited. I think that's where a lot of the offense comes in, at least for me.

ETA: Because I just get heated about this topic! I really dislike it when B&G will justify their choice by saying "all parents WANT a night away from their kids! We are doing a nice thing for them, giving them a child-free evening." Bull. Maybe some parents do but not all of them. It makes the B&G feel better by justifying their choice to not invite children, but to presume parents are all itching to escape their kids is very rude. I had kids because I like kids - I have fun with my kids and enjoy their company. Don't presume I want an evening away from them with the hassle of arranging childcare to make you feel better about your choice. You want a wedding with no kids. Fine. Full stop. Don't spin it as helping out parents to ease your mind. Own the decision.

tmwishful

It's not offensive.  Shoot, I got married twice and had no kids.  A couple of folks declined.  Fine by me.  I'm a parent now and I would not be offended if I got invited to a wedding where i couldn't bring my kid.  Really, who wants to bring a toddler to a wedding and try to control them in that kind of situation??  Not me.  I'd welcome the night out.  My 2 cents:  it's guilt.  Many moms work now and their kids are in daycare all week.  When it comes time for doing anything without them on an evening or weekend, they get all rabid about it.  I quit my job and stay home with my child so no guilt here.

MoxieMickie

The problem with kids is many behave inappropriately according to the norms for adults at a wedding, because they're kids. A couple may not want to deal with a 10 year old acting like a 10 year old when they paid $150 a head (which, in many areas, isn't even for a great meal.) Also, since everyone has attendance and budget limits, inviting kids they aren't close to instead of their friends isn't thrilling.
And since someone mentioned STFU, Parents, I had to share my favorite sanctimommy post:
http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/post/10812995840/finally-someone-says-whats-on-everybodys-mind

roxy64

"My family plays the, "They're family too, and everyone wants to see them!" card."

My SIL did this to me after FIL died.  She expected me to take our two boys, 1 and 4 at the time, to the calling hours.......open casket.......I told her no way.  I didn't want my kids' last memory of their grandpa in a casket......too scary.  I did take the 4 yr old to the funeral because it was at church and closed casket.

As far as kids at a wedding....I've been to both w/ and w/o kids.  I've seen kids behave wonderfully and seen kids be little monsters.  My personal opinion is that it's up to the bride and groom to make that decision and not to let anyone guilt them into something they don't want to do.

mkat469

I don’t know where people thinking an adults only wedding is offensive came from, I have a 4 year old who is extremely well behaved, I have been able to take him anywhere, but I would never consider bringing him to a wedding because I don’t consider a wedding as an event for children. I can remember my parents bringing me to a wedding when I was young and I was bored out of my mind. I am having an adult only wedding however my son will be there because he is in my wedding of course. we are not having a flower girl or any other kids in the wedding or at the wedding. My reasoning for my adult only wedding is because my nieces and nephews are not well behaved at all and their parents are not good at disciplining them either. I would rather not have to spend my evening watching after other peoples kids and making sure they don’t break things or get hurt, I also don’t want my reception or ceremony interrupted by a child.  I have told many people if they are not comfortable finding a sitter for the night  and cannot attend they will be greatly missed but I completely understand why they are unable to come. I have also had to tell a few people that if they ignore the request and bring their child anyway they will be asked to leave because it would not be fair to other family members to let one slide. This is both me and my fiancés decision so people need to respect that. don’t feel bad for wanting to do things your way to comfortably know that your day will be just the way you want it.  if you are like us and paying for your event than you have every right to have it the way you want it because that’s how you deserve it, and true family and friends will be able to respect your choices. Don’t let people make you feel bad!!  Enjoy your day!!

lpheath

I believe it is only offensive if you say no kids, then make exceptions for certain kids. I personally would not have an adult only wedding, as with my family it's not really feasible. Also, you could end up with the issue of what age is defined as kid. My parents have 4 daughters- 21, 19, 14, and 8. If a couple wanted to have an adult only wedding, would the older two get invited but not the younger two, even though they all have the same relationship with the B&G (assuming it's family)? For me, kids of friends don't need to be invited, but in my situation, kids in my family are a must. I am one of the oldest of all my cousins, as is my fiance. If we didn't invite children, it would mean leaving out the majority of our cousins. This isn't as much of an issue when cousins are all adults.